Thursday, December 25, 2008

Sorry to Disappoint: Christmas is Pagan...lolz

It's Christmas day! Let's wake mom and dad up into a hangover and run our urine soaked PJs down the stairs to open our Playstations, Wiis and other battery operated sexual devices! What better time to write a Christmas article than Christmas day? Families are gathering together around the fireplace and following rituals which they know nothing about. I'm not trying to make enemies with this article, but the fact of the matter is, many of the Christmas traditions aren't accurate and most aren't even Christian. Ironic, huh? So with a jug full of jolly egg nog, lets jet through the fallacies of this yule tide spirit.

Jesus wasn't born in December
Despite the popular notion of Jesus being born in a manger in December, Jesus was more likely born sometime between April and October.
"Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields,keeping watch over their flock by night" (Luke 2:8). The flocks weren't out in the field at night during the winter months; it was too cold. Nowhere does the New Testament hint towards Jesus being born in the winter.

Why December 25th?
The Christian religion never celebrates a popular figure's birth, only their death. So why the popularization of December 25th as the celebration as Christ's birth? It just so happens that, Saturnalia, a Roman celebration worshiping Saturn, occurs in December. The Church, trying to find a way to be accepted by the Pagans around them, decided to also create a celebration in the middle of the winter. The result of this assimilation is the Christmas we know today. According to Persian Pagans, December 25th marks the birth of Mithra, the sun god. His birth would bring light to the dark days of the winter solstice. It was only until the 4th century that the Christian Church announced that, despite what's clearly written in the bible, Jesus' birthday falls on the same day as Mithra's.

Yule log
The term "yule" comes from the Norse god of fertility "Jule." The heartwarming tradition of gathering around the fireplace is based on a Scandinavian Norse/Pagan winter solstice ritual. This involves burning a large tree trunk for 12 days (hence the 12 days of Christmas). The log is a phallic symbol. Over the course of the 12 days, people an animals are burnt as an offering to Saturn. That's one practice I follow, however; I sacrifice many virgins on my yule log - HIGH FIVE!

Christmas Tree
The Christmas tree, like the yule log, is a phallic/fertility symbol. Pagans saw trees as sacred and bringing them into the home brought their holiness into your household. Once chopped and brought into the house, the tree was worshipped as an idol. Now here's the kicker - a few lines from the old testament: "Thus said the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them: For the customs of the people are vain: for one cuts a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the ax: They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not....Be not afraid of them; for they cannot do evil, neither also is it in them to do good." (Jeremiah 10:2-5) how creepy is that? Even the Bible warns against the Christmas tree tradition.


Santa Claus
Santa Claus is a composition of several sources, mainly the following:
Odin - The pagan thunder god. He flew over the cities and decided who would live and who would die
St. Nicholas - The patron saint of sailors, prostitutes, children, merchants, the falsely accused, pawnbrokers and repentant thieves. He was said to have captured the devil and used the devil as his hired muscle. If the child was good, they'd receive presents, otherwise, they'd get whips. Ah, those were the good ol' days. No such thing as a spoiled brat getting his Xbox 360. If you were bad, you got flogging that scarred your ass back into shape.
The writings of Clement Clark Moore eventually made the image of Santa that we know today. The devil became the reindeer we know today and any religious connotations were erased.

The Puritans who came to the New World sought to rid themselves of Christmas as we know it. They wanted to create a society based purely on Christian traditions, free of Pagan influence. Instead, Christians chose to celebrate Christmas, holiday based almost purely on Pagan traditions and whose Christian roots are slim. I'm sorry to have taken away from your most holy of times...but it's really not your holy time. Nothing happened in December. I'm not refuting Christianity as a religion, simply pointing out a fallacy that's been perpetuated for about 1700 years now.

The part that pulls my pubes about all this is that children are blatantly lied to about Santa Claus. Eventually, all kids grow up and learn that Santa is a myth and their parents don't even know where he came from. All mommy and daddy know is that their parents lied to them in just the same way. So has it been for generations. Now who's the real Grinch?

So when it all boils down, there's absolutely no reason to flood my radio with crappy gospel music, no reason to bring candy cane flavored coffee to my cafe, no reason to interrupt my morning cartoon rituals with play doh Christmas animations and no reason to contribute to deforestation just so you can bring a large mock penis into your living room. If you're so eager to have a sex symbol in your house, I'm free weekends
after 3.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Update

It's been a while since I've written a decent "how to" article, hasn't it? I've been overcome with ads and useless posts. Well the era of ad posts seems to be coming to an end. Payperpost, the company that would assign me advertisements, has just booted me from their community. Let me tell you how great it is to write advertisements that drop your pagerank to 0 only to later be booted from their system and not be able to use your blog to publish anything else. The part that really screws you over is that PayPerPost does not allow for "no follow" tags in your links. Google really doesn't appreciate people selling links because it throws off their pagerank system. So once Google catches you with your pants down, you better bring a tub of vasoline, 'cause your about to be screwed long and hard. So, to sum up my emotions, Payperpost sucks. They used me like a Czechoslovakian prostitute and didn't even have the courtesy to finish off with a happy ending.

The way things look now, I think the only ads you'll be seeing are Google's ads on the right of this page (see it???). I am not allowed to solicit clicks for these ads, so I won't. I can't purposly ask you to click on the ads if you appreciate my content just so that I can generate a profit because that would violate the terms of service.

That's what's going on with this blog now. More quality content is on the way. Lates sucka.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Quantam of Solace - Scariest Villain Yet

Hello Pussy,
I felt it to be my duty as the proud owner of a pair of testicles to see the new James Bond flick as soon as I could. I can safely say that it was pretty decent. It wasn't the best Bond, but still good nonetheless.

James Bonds, in case you haven't noticed, have always synced up with the politics at the time. The first James Bonds set the Russians as the enemies, while the Cold War was prevalent. In "Die Another Day", the enemies are Korean. In "The World Is Not Enough", surprise surprise - bad guys are Middle Eastern terrorists. In this James Bond, the villain is Dominic Greene. He owns an "environmentally friendly" company. As if his last name and the eco-company isn't enough, the dude (Mathieu Amalric) looks a shit load like Al Gore. In case you haven't processed all that, the enemy for this James Bond is corrupt environmental movement. That, by the way, makes me happier than a pig in shit. 

There were however, a few things that disappointed me with this movie. Firstly, this is the first Bond I've seen where 007 is not briefed by R (formerly Q) and given the clutch gadgets that will end up being live savers for him later in the film. Secondly, JB doesn't snog the Bond girl at the end. It's just not a Bond if he doesn't contract some sort of STD.

A lot of people will tell you that the new Bond sucked. While that may be, I can't bring myself to say that about a Bond flick. While there were definitely better Bonds (except the Lazenby one), this one was still enjoyable.

(PS: If you didn't get that the opening line was a Bond reference, you have no place reading this post. In the off chance that you're a man, you must immediately forfeit your testicles to the Male Appendage Regulatory Board, Chicago, IL 60652)

Lates suckas

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

7 Reasons Why My Dog's Better Than Your Kids

1) Rubbing my dogs nose in a urine soaked carpet while shouting: "No, bad" won't get me arrested

2) When you leave your kid in a cage for 4 hours, he won't really be happy to see you at the end of the day.

3) My dog will never make me a crappy macaroni painting that I'll have to pretend to like and post on the fridge.

4) When your kid knocks up a chick, you can't sell the kids and make a profit.

5) My dog started shitting where I wanted him to within a week of bringing him home.

6) Putting a choker chain on a kid never seems to yield positive results.

7) My dog will never ask for Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad action figure until I'm forced to hit him

There you have it; 7 good reasons to put up your kid for adoption and get yourself a canine companion. Lates, sucka.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Shame On You Bob


In a previous post, I mentioned that Bob Saget's commentaries were hilarious. It was clearly to be absurd since no one actually likes the stupid commentaries. I had remembered that Bob Saget is still doing stand up so I decided to YouTube some of his routines. What I saw tore me apart. His routine had to be some of the stupidest, uninspired shit I've ever seen in my life. I don't mind when comedians are vulgar; it's like adding tobasco sauce to chili - it makes it better and my leathery man mouth enjoys the challenge. Bob Saget's routine, however, is like swallowing a spoonful of tobasco without chili - it's totally pointless and reserved for frat boys between beer bong hits. So if you're reading this Bob Saget, and I'm sure you are, I demand an apology e-mail for you sucking. Your 2 second cameo from Half-Baked cannot be stretched out into a whole stand up routine!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

7 Easy Ways to Improve your Face (for men)

Pluck Your Eyebrows
Let me tell you a love about two eyebrows that were made separately but desperately wanted to join up and form a single entity. Through thick and thin, they struggled to join and share their affection. The part that I didn’t tell you is that they’re two male eyebrows and, as such, their union should be prevented at all costs. That’s where you come and pluck the shit out of their bond. Getting all the little buggers out of the middle is the easy part. It’s shaping each brow that gets tricky. A bushy mess of a brow is just as bad as a uni-brow. Try to focus your energy on getting the stray hairs underneath the brow since it’ll improve the neatness without making your brow look too catered. Two tips on making the process easier to bear – take a warm shower first and pull in the direction of hair growth. The shower will open your pores and the follicle will come out much easier.
Chew gum
A facial feature that’s very desirable in men is a strong, chiseled jaw. A sharp jaw line gives the impression of strength and confidence, at least in your face. An easy way to add some nice shape to this area of the face is to work your jaw muscles. This can be accomplished by chewing gum – lots of it. The constant chewing is like a workout for your mouth. For those without patience or who want a little more of a challenge, try drinking water with the gum in your mouth then continue to chew. The gum should toughen up after having been exposed to the water and will give your jaw more of a workout.
Wash and Exfoliate Your Skin
This may sound like the most feminine of all the tasks but that’s a notion that has to be broken. Being manly doesn’t mean you walk around with a pimple on your forehead after clogging your pores when you wiped your forehead when you and your large mammal friends went out for all-you-can-eat ribs. First exfoliate with hot water. This will remove the crud that’s encrusted on your mug while opening your pores. After rinsing with warm water, use a cleanser to remove the microscopic dirt that’s clogging your pores. It’s important that you rinse the cleanser off with cool water to close up your pores otherwise you’ll dry out your skin. Avoid using oil astringents. They may work for a bit, but after a few days, your skin will start producing extra oil to compensate for it. The last thing you want it for your slightly shiny skin to suddenly turn into an Exxon Valdez.

Trim your facial hair
Whatever your facial hair status, ALWAYS keep it evenly trimmed. However you chose to style your facial hair, not shaving for a week will make you look a disgruntled hobo. If you have a facial hair design (ie: goatee, side burns), it needs to be re-defined and trimmed. If you have a full beard, it needs to be trimmed so it looks neat and uniform again.
Trim your nose/ear hair
Nothing will repulse your date more than a rebellious nose hair rising up against nasal oppression. An easy way to rid yourself of those pesky revolutionaries is to get yourself a nose/ear hair trimmer. It doesn’t need to be something expensive, just something that’s specialized for the job. Hacking away at your nose and ears with a pair of scissors will do more harm than good. You’re aiming to just trim the ends, not shave yourself bald. After all, those hairs are stopping dirt particles from getting inside your body. You can get yourself a good trimmer for under $5 at Deal Extreme. It’s my favorite spot for getting crap like this. Shipping is free with them and, if you try to get the trimmer from the store, you’ll get the same, made in China, product for $20.
Scrape Your Tongue
You probably haven’t thought of the fact that most of your bad breath is actually coming from decomposing particles on your tongue. Brushing your tongue could help but not 100% and a lot of people gag from it. Personally, as a manly man, my mouth wasn’t designed to deftly take in long hard objects whilst delaying the gag reflex. If you can, then all the power to you. You might have a career as a sword swallower….or a pillow biter. Getting back to the point, a tongue scraper is guaranteed to make your mouth feel 10x better. Don’t knock it till you try it. You can pick one up from your pharmacy, or you can get it for less than half the price on Deal extreme.
Moisten your lips
The winter months are just around the corner and with the cold weather comes extremely dry air. That dry air is exactly what’ll cause your lips to get crack and bleed like a leper. If you think applying lip balm is reserved for women, then your enjoy the chapped life and good luck getting anyone to kiss you when they worry that they might be getting a blood transfusion should they lock lips. Balming your lips falls in the same category as brushing your teeth. It’s just another step in making your mouth-area look presentable.
Disclaimer: This is the first article where I made gay jokes. Just to note, I have nothing against the gay community nor do I condemn gay marriage. The purpose of the jokes were to make my homophobic readers more comfortable with taking care of their skin in ways that is wrongly seen as overtly feminine. If you're still offended then too bad. I've wasted enough time writing this disclaimer for your pouty ass. Lates, sucka.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Sushi - The Fountain of Youth

Of all the foods I can think of, sushi is probably the healthiest. If you haven't already tasted it, do yourself a favor and get a box of fresh sushi (not older than 6 hours). It was recently found that Ogimi, an island in Japan has the highest number of centenarians (people over 100) per capita in the world. Most of the island's inhabitants credit their sushi heavy diet as the secret of their longevity. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Sushi is the ultimate health food:

Rice - Rice is an excellent complex carbohydrate. It provides great energy and it fills you up quickly so overeating isn't much of a problem

Vegetables
- It doesn't take a nutritionist to tell you that vegetables are healthy for you. They're full of vitamins and minerals.

Seaweed - One of the best things you can eat in the whole sushi roll is the seaweed. It contains almost all the minerals you need in your diet including, sodium, magnesium and zinc.

Raw fish - Raw fish is full of omega-3 and that has countless benefits. Omega-3 fatty acids, among other things, reduce the risk of heart disease, prevent varicose veins and lower cholesterol.

What you won't find in sushi is tons of salt, saturated fat or cholesterol. That's the second half of its secret.

Occasionally, someone will tell me that eating raw fish is gross. You know what I think is gross? Getting 85% of your RDI* of saturated fat from eating a sundae (DQ Peanut Buster), getting 60% of your RDI of sodium from a sandwich (Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese) and getting 55% of your sodium intake from a single chicken thigh (KFC original recipe thigh).

*Recommended Daily Intake (based on a 2,000 calorie diet)

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Why Family Guy Is Better Than The Simpsons (part 1)

I decided I'd start a new recurring post. I've decided that The Simpsons is a washed up sellout of a show and isn't worth viewing anymore. This week's reasoning is character development. When Family Guy first came out, people were telling me that it's pretty much an imitation of The Simpsons. Both shows sport a dumb father, a housewife, a son, a daughter, a baby, a dog, a black friend and a white friend. My argument towards this is that, in 6 seasons, Family Guy managed to round out their characters more than The Simpsons was able to in its million seasons.

Homer
Homer's the dumb father of the family. He works at a nuclear power plant. His father is a generic old man who lives in a retirement home.

Peter
Peter's job has changed throughout the series. He's worked at a toy factory, as a fisherman and at a brewery. His father is an angry, abusive, Irish Catholic who hates his son's Protestant wife. He has an inexplicable hatred towards his daughter, Meg.

Marge
Marge is a typical housewife but has fun blue hair. She has two sisters who hate her husband. That's about it.

Lois
Lois, like Marge, is a housewife but has had a somewhat mysterious past. She constantly makes references to a history of rebellion (eg: her rep with kiss as "loose Lois", her explanation for her tattoo as "meth is a hell of a drug"). She always lets her daughter, Meg, know that she was much more popular in high school. Also, she's constantly fighting off crushes from both Brian and Quagmire.

Bart
With a slingshot in his back pocket and a spiky haircut, Bart is simply an early 90s reincarnation of Dennis the Menace. He doesn't like school. Gets in trouble. Likes skateboarding and comic books. Nothing really special.

Chris
Chris is awkward beyond the society's allowance. He has random bursts of insight that can't be explained. He's taken up a job as a paper delivery boy and constantly has to deal with a pedophilic old man harassing him.

Lisa
Lisa is the middle child. Unlike here brother, she enjoys school. She also plays the saxophone.

Meg
Meg's the epitome of a social outcast. She constantly strives to hang out with the popular clique but it always ends up in her mockery. She has a crush on her neighbour's son. Meg's always embarrassed by her family and tries to disassociate with them whenever possible. This is made ironic by the fact that Lois, Peter and Stewie have all proven to be much more sociable and "cooler" than her. Those who pity Meg and her constant ridicule should take solace in the fact that, when she has gotten the opportunity to be popular, she's acted like a stuck up bitch (eg: 1] when "Lando" made her seem cool, she rejected a dance with Neil, for a shallow football jock 2] When the meg got her makeover and the family became famous, she developed a huge attitude and gave her whole family the shaft)

Maggie
Maggie is a baby. She has a pacifier that she always sucks. That is all.

Stewie
Stewie is an intellectual bent on causing chaos. Oddly enough, he has a posh British accent. He has an inexplicable hatred for his mother and is constantly trying to kill her. Brian is the only one in the family that can match his wit so there's constantly a rivalry between them. Stewie is always balancing between his mature, chaotic view of life and his innocent, childlike tendencies.

Santa's Little Helper
A greyhound that Bart and Homer rescued from the tracks.

Brian
Brian, though not at Stewie's genius level, remains an intellectual. His intelligence is mostly associated with the arts. While him and Stewie have their humorous dialogs, he remains Peter's best friend. Just like Stewie must balance his maturity with his childhood, so too must Brian balance his intellectualism with the fact that he's a dog. Brian goes through a few love stints, but he never gets over his love for Lois.

Lenny
Lenny is Homer's friend. He is also best friends with Carl

Glenn Quagmire
Quagmire is Peter's perverted friend. You can tell by the way he speaks, the decor of his house and his attitude towards women that Glenn Quagmire is straight out of the Rat Pack era. Just like Brian, he has an undying love for Lois but, out of respect for his friend, will never act seriously on it.

Carl
Carl is Homer's friend. He is also best friends with Lenny

Cleveland Brown
Cleveland is Peter's laid-back, slow talking, deli-owning friend. He's recently divorced and is now on the lookout for a new relationship. Though Quagmire was the one who had an affair with his wife, he came to the realization that his wife was the unfaithful one and his friendship with Quagmire wasn't worth the sacrifice.

So there you have it; when it comes to character development, The Simpsons just doesn't compare to Family Guy. All you whiny Simpsons fans might try and pull up different events that happened in the Simpson family history, but this article only focused on occurrences that have an effect on more than one episode (ie: yes, homer was a plow driver, but that ended with the episode). Family Guy 1 - Simpsons 0, sucka!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Kids Are Violent Because Cartoons Aren't

I recently woke up early enough to catch some Saturday morning cartoons. So I get a bowl of chocolate coated sugar bomb cereal and I turn on cartoon network to what I thought would be the kick-ass line up I remember. Instead, what I get is a bunch of watered down, modern-retro stylized, clich├ęd crap. I keep flipping hoping to find something good. Instead I find Jimmy Neutron, Fairly Oddparents and Johnny Test. Once upon a time, I'd flip on the tube and see Wolverine sticking his badass adamantium claws into a sentinel. Now all I get is the wacky adventures of a 9-year old boy who's still learning about moderation, friendship and why his pubes haven't come in yet.
What's even worse is that kids are more violent today than ever before. Kids will always crave violence. If cartoons don't have enough balls for them, they'll just flip on the Xbox and play something that involves some sort of dismemberment and is 10x more violent than any ABC cartoon will ever be. A few years ago, the only violence video games suggested was jumping on turtles in attempt to have them hurled towards your opponents at breakneck speeds. I hope you parents are happy. Hoorah, cartoons suck and your kids are serial killers in the making. But what does that matter? You don't pay attention to what your kids watch anyways. All you know is that the cartoons are sugary enough to cause diabetes and if your youngin' acts up, you'll pop enough Ritalin in him to sedate a small rhino.
I think everything started going downhill when Pokemon became popular. When I watched an anime, it was Dragonball Z and that was just tits. Aliens from different planets blowing each other away with laser beams that shot out of their hands. Pokemon reduced these testosterone driven battle royals to two beanie babies going at it until one falls to the ground with swirly eyes.
I say we should put the balls back into the early morning cartoons and pry the video games away from your kids. Sounds crazy? Consider this, your kid will be waking up earlier and, as result, going to sleep sooner. He'll be eating his cereal early in the morning and get his metabolism running right away. Unlike video games, cartoons have breaks every 7 minutes so your kid won't be in a coma-like state for 2 hours at a time. At around 12 o'clock, the shows get crappy and your kids will look for something more interesting, to do. That's when you hand the little free-loader a rake and have him pay his keep. The power is yours.... sucka.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

How to Fall Asleep at Night


You know the feeling; you have to wake up early tomorrow but the sandman just won't come. You're stuck watching the clock next to your bed. Every 5 minutes you calculate how much sleep you could get if you fell asleep at that exact moment. Not surprisingly, the next morning you're so dead tired that you can't understand how you could possibly have had trouble sleeping. Well that's about to change. Here's how you're gonna get your 40 winks without delay tomorrow night.

Cereal - the morning crusader also works nights

A bowl of cereal about 30 min before bedtime will help you on your journey to La-La Land. Don't confuse this suggestion with an invitation to eat anything that you can think of before bed. Heavier, prepared meals will get your body in digestion mode and you'll find it much harder to sleep. A light meal like cereal is ideal. I made the mistake of looking this up in the forums. People tended to disagree with the cereal before bed since they had a bowl and they still weren't asleep. That brings me to my next point...

Avoid electronics like the plague

Look at all the cool shit you have! You can listen to music while checking your email while chatting with your friends about Dungeons & Dragons while getting a colonoscopy! As great as all that sounds, none of it should be a part of your routine 30 minutes before you plan on getting to sleep. Devices like computers are highly interactive and will keep your mind fully stimulated. As long as your brain is at this level of activity, no amount of cereal will ever get you to bed. Do everyone who's there on the message boards, bitching that conventional sleeping methods don't work, try shutting down the porn and open a book.

Knockout Tub

For the man who's "in touch with his emotions" a warm bath with some lavender oil added could be just the thing that'll crack this streak of insomnia. Lavender is widely known to be a sleep aid. Combining it with a hot bath makes it even more potent because your not only inhaling lavender infused vapour, but the hot water opens up your pores and you'll absorb more of that nighttime goodness. For those of you who have a bit too much testosterone or are worried that your friends might find out about your late night aquatic escapades, a few drops of lavender oil on your pillow will yield similar results.

Bedroom Association

You should only be doing 2 things in your bedroom, the less exciting of which is sleeping. Other than that, you should be keeping out of your room. Try not to sit on your bed while you have late night chats with your 230 lbs. cybersex buddy, Bambi420. The more things you do in your room, the more your brain associates that area with mental stimulation. If your brain learns that when you’re in bed (alone), it’s sleep time, you’ll eventually find yourself getting drowsy when you enter your bedroom. That’s because your brain will recognize it’s environment and begin to decrease its activity. This is almost the same concept as the environmental tolerance I mentioned in the alcohol tolerance article.

Take a Trip to Palmsdale

If you didn't have a proper workout before going to bed, you're muscles will have trouble entering a state of relaxation. A quick way of putting your entire body and in a state of total relaxation is, obviously enough, masturbation. Playing a solo on the devil's clarinet releases a chemicals called endogenous opioid peptides into your brain. Opium, if you couldn't tell by the name, is also an opioid. Opioids will have a muscle relaxing and sleep inducing effect similar to that of morphine. This, combined with many other hormones released in the process, will have a sedative effect and should have you dreaming in no time.

At the end of the day, we each have something that works best for us. Nothing will work for everyone all the time. Should none of these methods even remotely help, you should consider seeing a doctor and ask about the possibility of insomnia. Staying up late for anything isn't cool. Sleep deprivation result in a lower IQ, impaired driving, poor social skill and, worst of all, ugly bags underneath your eyes. Sleep tight and don't tell your boyfriend you really dream about me at night.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Your Nose And You: a man's guide to boogers

So you've got a nose full green plasma. Some people call it disgusting but it's snot. (HAHA) Boogers come in many shapes and textures. Each one requires you to take the proper actions and precautions to ensure safe ejection. Improper action can lead to sticky, mucous covered hands or worse: a nose bleed. Be sure to read the following article very carefully before your next pick or it could be you last.

Species

The Mossy Rock

This is pretty much your standard, run-of-the mill
boog. The out side is slightly goopy but the center is pretty solid and well built. There's no need to panic for this one. It's harmless. You have 2 options for dealing with this bad boy. The first option is using a Kleenex. Thanks to the slightly slimy exterior of the specimen, it will form a semi-seal in the nostril and will allow for a pressure buildup great enough to fling it into a Kleenex. Your second option is going in for a manual extraction using the index finger. The nougat-like center will allow you to nab that sucker without too much mess. Keep in mind that before you flick it, you'll have to roll it. (See Methods & Techniques below).

The Meteor

The meteor is the bastard son of the mossy rock. Unlike it's father the meteor does not have a soft, lubricated coating. This means that going in for the pick puts you at risk of pressing it's jagged surface against the wall of your nostril. This will produce a very painful sensation. If the meteor is big enough, it might just have enough air resistance to be shot into a Kleenex. If it's too small for this, a quick hot shower will transmogrify the rebellious ingrate into a more manageable species. For those brave souls, if the situation call for it, you can use good
ol' index to coax the evil menace out of your nose but proceed with extreme caution.

The Comet

The Comet is the athletic, studious and legitimate son of mossy rock. It still has pops solid core and semi-gushy exterior. Though it is slightly less lubricated than the mossy rock, it hides behind it a magnificent secret. Its tail is a soft
endoplasm that extends deep into the nasal cavity. This leads me to the best way to remove it. The fun and joy behind a comet is picking it out. You think you're just getting a regular mossy rock but suddenly you discover that your removing a full umbilical cord and you're suddenly able to breath 90% better. You can always use Kleenex, but why would you want to?

The Blob

99% of the audience already know what I'm talking about. Yes, the blob is morbidly obese, jobless uncle who we all hate. The blob is that oozy drippy unpleasantness that comes along and ruins your perfect date walking through the park on a beautiful fall afternoon. Nothing is less attractive than a man who is producing a sound out of his nose that many experts would claim is a dolphin fart. Picking is like sticking your finger into a package of ground beef and hence is futile. All your base are belong to blob. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. See how fucking annoying blowing your nose over and over gets!?!? There's no end in sight! The blob just keeps regenerating and haunting you. The worst part is that, should you take a stand and just don't blow anymore, you feel like it's full out dripping out of your nose even though it's really not. Damn you blob! You're deceiving and relentless!

The Clingon

The
Clingon is a vicious little demon. He's known for clinging onto nose hairs and refusing to let go. A clingon can be brought about by either a blob exposed to Canada's winters or by a meteor that has just so happened to form around a hair. The only way to remove a clingon is through a masochistic display of follicle extraction. Blowing into a Kleenex won't help. Clingons have been said to hold onto hairs in the presence of winds exceeding 130 mph. Blow all you want but that sucker's holding on tighter than a bulimic chick to her uvula.

The Paint Scraping

Some people love 'em, some hate 'em. Paint scrapings are the semi-solid
boogers that'll stick close to the wall of your nostril. Due to their ergonomic and aerodynamic design, trying to blow them out simply won't work. It's obvious that your going to need to go in there with a motion that's strangely reminiscent of getting the leftover cake batter off the walls of a bowl. Under no circumstances is this picking to be done in public. Scraping your nose paint is the most obvious and disgusting style of nose picking. The application of pressure to the walls result in you pushing your nose outwards and causes your upper lip to lift up slightly. Needless to say, you do not want to be caught in this position. Try and reserve this simple pleasure for the privacy of your own home.

The Constipation

Say goodbye to quiet breathing when you've got a constipated nose. You've got a blob so viscous that not even your full lung pressure can dis-lodge it. Trying will only make your ears pop. Your only option is to melt away the the dam with a nice steamy shower or bath.

Methods & Techniques

The Roll

Semi-moist goblins require a slight amount of rolling to get them into their most aerodynamic shape and also to reduce their sticky properties. Rolling is as easy as touching your index finger to your thumb and moving it in a clockwise pattern.

The Flick

After you're done rolling, you gotta get rid of the evidence. I mean where are you gonna put it? Your pocket? With the nasal C4 on your index, flick normally, as you would to an insect who's wronged you.

The Shnot-Rocket

Tilt your head back slightly, block one nostril with your index finger and blow out of your nose vigorously. The pressure should fling out the contents of your nose without dirtying your fingers. WARNING: Attempting this technique with the blob may result in a toxic
loogie oozing out your nose. Women immediately report to one another when they spot a guy whose got a toxic loogie. They have a universal online database of this but I haven't been able to crack the password...or find the site...or find anyone who would admit to it.

5-Fingered Tissue

In the absence of a tissue one, one may pinch his nose slightly and use his hand as if it was a tissue. When the deed is done, a quick snap of the wrist will rid the hand of it's congealed mess. Acceptable places to practice this are: in the shower or on a hiking trip. Unacceptable places to do this are at a pool or at the office. Know your limits.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Manswers - For Ass By Ass

So I just saw the show "Manswers." If you want to know what I'm ranting about before I start, you can see full episodes of the show here (it's all legal, don't worry, you wuss). I must say, I thought American television reached it's lowest of lows when I ranted about "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader." Unfortunately, American society has reached a new low. The show "Manswers" claims to be all the answers to what men want to know. Since this is pretty much what I like writing about, I thought I'd give it a look. I must say that it's an insult to masculinity and if you enjoy watching the show, you're not a man, you're a hack. The first thing that almost gave me an aneurysm was the obnoxious "extreme" narrator. The idea that men need a surfer/drill sergeant to pay attention is retarded. Since I'm not 7 and watching a GI Joe commercial, there's no reason for the narrator to be some prick who won't stop yelling. Next, the camera is constantly zooming in and out with sound effects. It's as if they're worried that I have severe ADD that would cause me to look away if I didn't focus on the screen. Finally, the questions are answered using either a ridiculous cut sequence or using a semi-naked woman. I'll admit, there are subtle ways of getting men to pay attention but it's very much an art form. When you get a chick to shoot a gun just to watch her tits bounce, you're not being coy, you're being a tool.
This show doesn't provide you with answers to anything. If you're really curious about anything, look it up. Don't trust a 15 second cut sequence, that mainly illustrates breasts, for your source of any kind of information. If someone ever starts a conversation with me based on something they saw on Manswers, I'll punch them square in the mouth. Not only does the show tell you dick all about anything, but the fact that you sat through an entire episode and took it seriously means you're a total gooch scab that doesn't deserve to keep all his teeth.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

How To Be The Omega Male

I've already discussed how one would go about being the alpha male in a social situation. However, sometimes the goal isn't to be known by everyone, but rather to slip through unnoticed. Whether you want to avoid getting noticed by your ex at a party or you're spying the king of Jordan, you're going to want to learn how to be the omega male.

Avoid Eye Contact

The human brain is designed to pay the most attention to a set of eyes. Have you ever noticed that some people always see a face in a smoky picture and claim it's a ghost. That's because, as a survival instinct, humans are conditioned to find a face. By hiding your eyes, you're hiding the most defining feature of your face and are therefore less likely to have a gaze shot your way.

Arm Fortress

Keep your arms low and folded in front of you. Humans will instinctively direct their attention towards another creature with its limbs in the air as it could be a potential threat. Keeping your arms crossed makes you smaller in the eyes of all those around as well as their subconscious minds. Should you ever need to stretch your arms, remember to stretch them down. Spreading your arms to the side or upwards, will merit you unneeded gazes. Just like in the animal world, appearing bigger and more spread out is designed to get you attention be everyone around.

(Never) Dress to Impress

Before attending the event, think long and hard about the dress code and what the guests will be wearing. If you're wearing a necktie in a room full of bow ties, you can be damn sure that, as eyes glaze across the room, they'll stop on you. If you want yo be unnoticed and forgotten, it's imperative that you can be easily mistaken for anyone else in the room.

Inconspicuous seating

When sitting around a long table, sit closer to one of the ends as opposed to the middle. Never sit at either head of the table. The middle is where the action is and people at either end of the table tend to look inwards towards the center as opposed to outward. However, should you find yourself in a situation where you're sitting around a smaller table, it's best to sit in the middle since the heads of the table are receiving the most attention.

Lay off the Booze

Holding a glass of wine can help you blend in and might take the edge off, but down it too quickly and you'll catch some uninvited gazes. One thing about society today is that we feed off drama. No other creature will sit in front of a box for hours watching a member of its own species embarrass on shows like "Cops" and "America's Funniest Home Videos." With all that in mind, alcohol has thrown many great men off their game. One slight misstep after your 3rd tequila shot will have you flagged by anyone who witnesses it. For the rest of the night they'll observe your actions for any sign of increased intoxication. Being under such close supervision is no way to have your face forgotten the next day. Try to nurse that bourbon on the rocks, chief.

Dodge the Spotlight

It’s inevitable that you get in a conversation or two at a party. If you’re not interacting with people, you’ll get noticed as a creepy background guy who is purposely avoiding everyone. So your goal is to converse, but say very little. To accomplish this, when in a conversation, keep the attention on the person you’re speaking to. People, more than anything, love themselves. People will gladly talk about their lives and boast about that which they should be ashamed. If you keep asking questions and fake interest in your talking partner, they’ll end up liking you but then realize that they know nothing about you. Also, you don’t want to risk saying anything that might attract the attention of an eavesdropper and cause a group conversation.

Never assume that being an omega male is bad. It's simply another form of adaptation. Unlike the alpha or beta male, the omega spends his time observing his surroundings and gathering information from others. Just because a man is in the omega position and gets no attention doesn't mean he's inferior or any less dangerous. When you enter a party as omega, the golden rule is to check your ego at the door. An omega stays in the shadows and comes out only when it is absolutely necessary. Be safe.

Friday, August 29, 2008

How To Win An Eating Contest

In their strange culture that is manhood, the man that can eat the most is considered the manliest. Why this is, I'll never know. Since my the point of my blog is to teach you how to be better than everyone else, here's how to win an eating contest.

Expand Your Walls

The day before the event, drink as much water as you can. Water will stretch out your stomach and quickly exit it. Just like pulling a balloon before you blow it up, this will make it less painful to eat so much food.

Satan's Cereal
For lunch, the day before your big eat, have a bowl of fiber cereal with prune juice. You can guess what you'll be doing that evening. This technique will help clean out your digestive tract and make sure that everything will function poperly on the big day.

Speed Eating

It's a bit obvious that you have to eat quickly in an eating contest but, in case the competition is about volume not speed, remember that slow and steady does not win the race. You have a 20 minute time frame from the time your stomach says you're full to the time you actually feel full. In that short span, you have to down as much as you can. After that, you're gonna really start hurting halfway through you meal, lard-o.

Chewbacca

It's important to chew your food properly. No, I don't care about you choking. If you're stupid enough to engage in a primitive eating contest, odds are no one cares about you choking. Food that isn't chewed properly get swallowed with air. That air in you belly means you'll have added discomfort while your eating and may just be the difference between you becoming an fatso and a fatso-so.

Cardio Your Hunger

Some research shows that cardiovascular exercise increases one's appetite. That's right, Porky Pig. Ironically enough, to show your friends you can eat more, you're going to have to pop your jiggly butt onto a treadmill and get that hunger into high gear.

Obviously Genetics plays a lot into how much you can eat but these tips might just be that extra little boost you needed. In my opinion, competitive eating is among the stupidest things guys can do. If you win, you're ultimately a fat loser. If you lose, you're still a loser...only you're a less capable loser. Chew on that, sucka.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Drink To Your Health: How Alcohol is Healthy

Few things parallel in greatness to alcohol. It is, in fact, a maker of miracles. If it weren't for alcohol, 67% of ugly chicks would never see action until their mid 30s. Occasionally, some people will rain on your parade and tell you how bad alcohol is. We've all heard about alcohol destroying your liver or killing brain cells. If you were ever looking for justification for your drinking habits, here they are:

Beer

A Finnish-U.S. study showed that beer drinkers have 40% less chance of developing kidney stones. I'd rather drink a pint than pee out a rock any day. I'm not a man of such extreme sadomasochistic fetishes...but that's just me. Beer is also fat free and cholesterol free. I bet your favorite candy bar can't boast the same. Another study showed that, after 30 days of moderate beer consumption, adults show signs of a heightened immune system. The effect was greatest in women. I don't understand why ladies always find it creepy and suspicious when I encourage them to drink more.

Tequila

Tequila is made from a fruit called blue agave. Blue agave is known to absorb fat in the intestines and lower cholesterol. Maybe next time you'll think twice before prudely rejecting a tequila slammer at the bar. Your stretching bathing suit just might thank you.

Red Wine

Red wine, is pretty well known for being rich in anti-oxidants. If you drink a glass of red wine every day, you're almost guanranteeing yourself a lower chance of cancer. Women, drinking red wine lowers the risk of heart attack for you. For the old farts out there, red wine decreases your chances of developing cataract. No one ever said classy and healthy didn't mix.

Vodka

Russian's have something to brag about now that vodka has been found to prevent type 2 diabetes. A shot of the Soviet after shave could have you eating cupcakes for a long time to come, tub-o.

Whisky & Brandy

Whisky and brandy, just like red wine, has antioxidants that will prevent your risk of heart disease and cancer. Their antioxidants are actually more powerful than that of red wine. So you can sip on some Pinot Noire with the business chums, but when it comes to a night out with the guys, you know your best buddy will always be Mr. Jack Daniels.

Just in case some geniuses don't understand the concept of self-discipline, drinking should always be done in moderation. Over-consumption of alcohol, like anything else, will result in adverse effects. Just because alcohol has it's downsides when abused, doesn't mean it's bad. Drinking too much milk will give you kidney stones but you don't see any AA groups for that. So know your limits, be safe, and have a good time.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Raw Diet For Dogs (Part 1)

I feed my bird pepper, carrots and broccoli and that's totally acceptable. I feed my fish lettuce, cucumbers and cabbage and that's totally acceptable. However, when I tell people I feed my dog raw chicken, beef and turkey, they're suddenly up in arms with their objections. I must be crazy to do this. Here's why I feed my dog raw meat and, since you wanna copy me all the time, how you can do it too.

Why:
Chewing bones cleans your dog's teeth better than any store bought treat ever will. This means they won't rot when he's older and you won't have to break your wallet getting them pulled.

- Many name brand pet foods use fat rendered from euthanized cats and dogs

- Commercial pet food companies, like Eukaneuba, have harsh animal testing facilities

- Commercial pet foods have been found to contain sodium pentobarbitol: the poison used to euthanize cats and dogs

- Grains, a main ingredient in almost all commercial pet foods, is a filler. Dogs cannot digest this. The carbohydrates get turned into sugar which will lead to poor liver function. Have you ever seen a wolf eat grains?

But...

Your dog could catch salmonella.

Had I immediately given him old stanky meat, probably. His immune system can now deal with any salmonella on meat. Firstly, dog saliva has antibacterial properties. That's why they lick their wounds. Secondly, a dog's intestines are 1/4 the length of human intestines. They're designed for quick absorption and elimination. This is the perfect set up for raw meat sine it's high in vitamins (so it doesn't need to stay long) and any bacteria doesn't have time to incubate.

He could choke/get hurt on the bones

Unlike a Quebecois in front of a large poutine, my dog chews his food. Raw chicken bones are soft and springy. They don't splinter like cooked bones. Anyone who argues that raw bones can shard will show you examples of weight bearing bones. Any raw feeder knows that these bones aren't meant to be eaten by any domestic dog. Wolves are able to eat weight bearing bones because the shard created by the crushing of these bones gets wrapped in the fur of the consumed animal while in the stomach. This prevents damage to the inner organs.

It's a hassle

True, it takes longer to prepare. I'm willing to make that sacrifice. Maybe you'd be healthier if you did the same and prepared yourself a decent meal instead of parking your fat ass down at McDonald's 3 times a week for greasy food that's in your mouth within 5 minutes of ordering.

Forget horses, Asians are the new thing to bet on

ScreenLife Games is at it again. They launched a new Banzai game. Check it out:



Does anyone remember that show Banzai that was on TV? You'd bet on the Asians doing tho most random things: who can eat rice faster, who can go on an excercise bike longer etc. Now there's a DVD of it. I suppose you can watch it only once, but it's still quite fun. Traditionally, you're supposed to bet on the outcome. I don't see why you wouldn't just turn it into a drinking game for you and your buddies. It could be quite entertaining. Online, they have lots of fun downloads and games to promote their new DVD like an online Tamagotchi-like character: Tako-gotchi. There's a pic of m lil guy to the right. I think he's eating little teddy bears in sushi rolls...kind of odd. Takogotchi has it’s own myspace page. If you still can't figure out the easy concept of betting on Asians, there's a how to play guide on the website. If this souns like something you might be interested in, you can purchase Banzai online. Even if you sit at home with and watch it with your mom and a big bowl of her homemade mac & cheese, it's still very fun to watch. Lates, Suckas.

Sponsored by Screenlife Games

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Breakfast Cereals Are Destroying Society

I've always asked myself why there are so many punk kids today who think it's ok to become stoned slackers who talk back to their elders. When I was a kid, giving your mom lip (or any adult, for that matter) merits you a smack with a wooden sandal or plastic coat hanger. Now you'll have little Johnny McBratson flipping his mom the bird as he continues to play with his fake friends on Xbox live. Where did this behaviour come from? (other than your shitty-ass parenting) Breakfast cereals. That's right, breakfast cereals are responsible for corrupting today's youth and turning them into the rebellious little foreskins they are today. Lets have a look at some cereals and I'll show you how they're a menace to society.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC)

Every CTC commercial follows the same template. The dialogue is between a teen and an adult:
"Hey Murray, do you know why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?"
"It's got fructose which is highly addictive"
"No, lame-brain, it's got cinnamon swirls on every bite!"
Who the fuck are you to think you know so much about cereal, punk? Do you think you know better than someone who's more than twice your age? You're nowhere near as smart or as witty as you think you are. I hope the "cinnamon sugar" rots your teeth to a paste, you disrespectful dingleberry.

Trix

Day after day, I see this poor rabbit try to get his fix of a balanced breakfast. Day after day, he's met with the same response: "Silly, Rabbit. Trix are for kids." That's good sharing, Johnny PeePants. Even when the rabbit gets his own Trix cereal, these snot-nosed punks pop out of a bush and steal his cereal. I can't wait for the Trix rabbit to partner up with the killer bunny from Montey Python: "Silly, rabbit. Trix ar...GYYYAAAHHHH" *bunny rips out jugular*

Apple Jacks

Every commercial, an adult will remind a group of long-haired, pseudo-rebellious kids that their cereal doesn't even taste like apples. The kids brush him off and say that they eat what they like. Essentially what their saying is that they'll fall for any simple marketing ploy. I doubt those Menudo rejects would scarf down that shit if they found out it was really just sugar and wheat by-products.

Cocoa Puffs/Sugar Crisp/Corn Pops

I decided to group these four together because they all allude to the same social problem. Whenever I hear any of their catch phrases, I can't help but be reminded of a cocaine addict. I'll be honest, I like cereal; it's pretty healthy, it's satisfying and it doesn't take long to make. However, a lack of cereal will never cause me to go "cuckoo" nor will I break out into sweat since "I've gotta have my pops." If your sugar/crack addicted kids try to come near my kids, I'll gun them down before they get within 10 yards. No kid of mine will turn into a puffed wheat peddler.

Cap'n Crunch

Cap'n Crunch commercials always start with a bunch of kids being treated unfairly by an adult. Mr. Crunch then shows up and transports them to a colorful world of berries. Now tell me how exactly this isn't exactly like a bunch of slacker popping some LSD to escape the drudgery of a mundane life? Here's a newsflash for you, Paul McCartney Jr., escaping reality won't help you with your problems. Quit poppin' crunch berries, get yourself a job and stop leeching off society.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

5 Annoying Drunk People

"Once I was alone with five drunks,
Each of them was stinkier than skunks.
Simply for fun,
I pissed in the rum,
Then I watched the douche bags blow chunks"
-Carma B

Continuing in the tradition of people who piss me off, I wrote the following article. Every time I go to a party, there are different breeds of drunks. Each one finds his own way to piss me off and ruin the party for other. We all know who they are and it's about time their stupidity was brought out into the open like a closet-necrophiliac fifth-grader.

#1 The Tough Guy

Nothing says "I'm a huge douche" like another macho guy at the bar whose swaggering from side to side. Good for you, Siegfried, you grew yourself some beer balls. I just hope you drank enough to numb the pain when your ass gets knocked down to the pub floor. When alcohol gets into your blood stream, it interferes with your reaction time as well as with your sense of balance. You very much need both if you want to get somewhere other than the bathroom stall with your head in the toilet.

#2 The Daredevil

When there are enough people around, you can count on one drunken pube-snip to do something stupid that will either injure him or break something. Once all the eyes on him, Buttman will probably do something stupid and generic like jump into a bush or show you a knife trick. Congrats, Mr. Fantasdick, you look like a tool! If you want to be entertaining, tell a joke. When I want to see someone break a jungle gym while running into something nuts-first, I watch America's Funniest Home Videos reruns, where the wacky football-to-the-groin antics of lower-middle class Americans are accompanied by the hilarious commentaries of Bob Saget.

#3 The Dancing Queen

I know you're feeling loose and you're really getting into the music but when you hit the dance floor, you look like a complete jackwipe. The mess of uncoordinated seizures and flailing limbs makes me think I'm in a Kill Bill fight scene. You're not lighting up the dance floor, Travolta. You're embarassing yourself and your great aunt gertrude, who now has to get her pacemaker recalibrated when all she wanted to do was dance the macarena with her newly bar mitzvah-ed son, Saul.

#4 The Puker

Some people just haven't learnt about moderation and, at the site of booze, will open their throat hole like a Soviet hooker. These are the cockwads responsible for smelly alley ways and the occasional chunks that line the rim of the toilet at a house party. There's no kiddy table when alcohol is served. No one will tell you what you can and can't have. If you can't show a little self-discipline, maybe you should run along to Chuck E. Cheese's with a pocket full of quarters and leave the pints to the big boys.



#5 The Philosopher (aka Good Will Fronting)

Every now and then, when you're sitting at the bar with a few drinks, there will be one guy balbbing on about his views of society and religion. The worst part is that they think that, through his slurred and beer-soaked words, he thinks his words are a brief history of time. No words uttered after 5 Mooseheads will ever be of any value to anyone - ever. If you want to talk about how you like the AC Milan's new defence, that's fine. Anything else merits you a swift kick to the nuts.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

How to Curb Your Appetite

I recently posted an article about how to lose weight. I wanted to include a paragraph on curbing your appetite, but I quickly realized that this was a whole article on its own. There are so many tricks you could learn that would help you put the fork down, Rosie O'Donnell. I understand that you're frustrated about your helpless, dead-end life. You eat because you're sad and you're sad because you eat. Well it's time to break that vicious cycle. It's time to have you eating less and here's how you'll do it:

What: Eat watery foods
Why: Foods that are high in water will fill you faster and have you'll take in much fewer fats
How: Instead of raisins, eat grapes. Have a watermelon wedge for dessert. Apples are ok but a nice juicy pear is better.

What: Have carbs
Why: Before I even start, I know what you're thinking "but the Fatkins diet says I can't have carbs, they lead to fat." That's a load of bull. Are you going to listen to the words of a man who suffered a heart attack the year before he died? News flash, Atkins got rich of duping people and was able to have a steak dinner every night. All that meat contains cholesterol that'll clog the shit out of your arteries and eventually kill you. Now, onto scientific matters. Carbs will inhibit the production of ghrelin (a hormone that makes you hungry) longer than meats will.
How: Have a nice carby cereal for breakfast. A nice pasta lunch will keep you surprisingly satisfied and may even stop you from guilty snacking until dinner.

What: Press on your ear
Why: I'm not sure if I fully believe this, but it's definitely worth mentioning. In acupuncture, the appetite can be controlled from the ear. Pressing on the part just above your earlobe will apparently stop a hunger pang dead in its tracks.
How: When you feel the hunger bug biting and you're eyeballing the candy bar on the top shelf of your pantry, press on your hunger spot and maybe that'll stop you from inhaling that Mars bar...that and the fact that the Mars company tests on animals.

What: Keep a water bottle on you
Why: When you're sitting at the cubicle on in class, you may not notice it, but you start to fiddle with things. Some people bite their nails, which gives them fugly hands. Others will rub their foreheads, which will give them fugly a complexion. Keeping a water bottle near you will put you in the habit of constantly drinking. Before you know it, you're stomach will be feeling quite full and you'll find yourself turning down the donuts in the office cafeteria.
How: Quit being cheap and splurge on a $2.99 case of 12 water bottles. Take one to work/school with you every morning.

What: Eat Breakfast
Why: Being hungry from the morning will almost guarantee you overeating at lunch. Another near certainty is you cheating with a snack until lunch. Eating a decent, healthy breakfast will curb your appetite until lunch.
How: Chuck some fruit, yogurt and milk in the blender.

After having said all this, I'd like to mention that these methods are to stop you from eating unhealthy and (all too readily available) vending machine snacks. Never starve yourself to be skinny. Not only is it not healthy, but it doesn't work. When your body realizes that it's in starvation mode, it'll begin to hold onto its fat and won't let you burn it off. You'll end up feeling fat, sluggish and cranky.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Google's PR 0 punishment

Many of you may have noticed that i haven't been very active in the past 2 weeks. This is mostly because of my recent penalization. Google, in their infinite wisdom, decided that they didn't appreciate my paid advertising. They would rather I use their Adsense program and give them the profit derived from my traffic.

As punishment for my infidelity, my Pagerank was shot down to 0. This essentially killed any chance of me making any money off my blog. Payperpost and Blogsvertise refused to give me any additional tasks. I was pretty bummed out and pissed at Google for pulling such a rat move. I quickly realized that SocialSpark, PayPerPost's sister site, uses RealRank to gauge a site's credibility. If you rely on paid posts to make you online money, you should do the same. Since Google is huge and generally doesn't care about a little sites and their meaningless complaints, you shouldn't hold your breath when submitting a reconsideration request. So let Google take your PR away from you. As long as you have traffic and quality links, your RealRank will be decent and you can get money using SocialSpark.

That is all for now. Quality articles are on the way.

As far as my posts go, I will continue to write articles

Friday, July 18, 2008

Top 5 Celebrity Hypocrites

Too many people get famous by preaching messages that they themselves don't follow. They publicly condemn actions and influence a slew of people to hang on their every word as if it came directly from the Almighty. Instead of being caught up in these lies, it's about time you deviated from the general public's blissful ignorance and learn the truth about the role models whom society has placed on a pedestal.

Dr. Phil McGraw (1950 - )

His Preach - Every problem has a glamorous and half hour solution
Dr. Phil likes to be the problem solver of all relationship issues. He likes to boast that his daytime talk show is 2nd in the nation because it helps people solve their problems with a "get real" approach.

His Practice - Divorce
Unable to deal with his own problems at home, Dr. Phil is currently undergoing a divorce. He's willing to throw around the hefty sum of $200 million to get his (ex) wife to shut up and not spill the beans on his whole operation. A single testimony from his wife on how terrible he is in the homestead would pretty much kill his career as a self-help guru. How can you let this pseudo-psychology babbling hick tell you how live your life, give the illusion that his half-hour spectacles are actually psychiatry and take oodles of money in the process?

Robert Atkins (1930 - 2003)

His Preach - Carbs=Evil
The famous Atkins diet taught millions of people to avoid carbs like hookers with herpes. Robert Atkins convinced his followers that filling your body with nothing but proteins and totally cutting out carbohydrates would ultimately lead to weight loss and perfect health.

His Practice - Heart Attack
A year before he died, Atkins suffered a heart attack. Eating nothing but fatty steak dinners might have clogged his arteries and left his ol' ticker helpless. I guess that's what we call "poetic justice." In spite of this incident, people continue to hold onto the mindframe that carbs are the spawn of Satan and the consumption of any sort of bread will lead to morbid obesity.

Michael Moore (1954 - )

His Preach - The Righteous Fighter of The Working Man
Mr. Moore likes to portray himself as the "everyday working man." He's always sporting an ill-fitted baseball cap and fronting a 3-day Castaway beard. He claims that he grew up in a working class family and can relate to the lower-tier factory worker. He believes that the world needs to be rid of the fat, rich white men who spawned out of the abomination known as American capitalism.

His Practice - The Fat, Rich White Man Of Whom He Warns
Michael is anything but an everyday working man. He fought to extend his million dollar beach house's private beach onto wetlands. Contradictory to socialist ideology, Moore sends his child to a private school so he won't mingle with the working class.
Moore was never a working class child. His parents both made a decent salary and, as result, Michael grew up in an upper-middle class home in the white, upper-middle class town of Davison, Michigan (Not Flint, as Moore likes to claim.). In reality, Michael Moore is the fat, rich white man he likes to warn people about. He's never had any connection to the "working man." All he's doing is creating propaganda that appeals to the majority of a population. Don't confuse his marketing with righteousness and don't be fooled into thinking he, in any way, represents the working man.

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

His Preach - Tolerance and Faith
Gandhi is remembered as the apitomy of peace, understanding and tolerance. To this day, die-hard hippies like to quote him on their Facebook profiles. It's safe to say that, in the minds of people today, Gandhi was so pure and good meaning, that any negative comments about him is blasphemy. One of his quotes on tolerance went like this:
"Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding."
Gandhi was also a very religious man and believed deeply in the gods of Hinduism. When his wife, Kasturba, was sick with pneumonia, Gandhi refused to allow British doctors administer penicillin. A drug which would've ultimately saved her life. Instead, Gandhi believed that the gods would heal her.

His Practice - Racism and Cowardice
Gandhi was overtly racist. He constantly emphasized that Indians should not be confused with the blacks of South Africa. In the following quote, Kaffir is an ethnic slur aimed at Black South Africans (equivalent to saying "nigger")
“A general belief seems to prevail in the colony that the Indians are little better, if at all, than the savages or natives of Africa. Even the children are taught to believe in that manner, with the result that the Indian is being dragged down to the position of a raw Kaffir”
So much for tolerance. Gandhi went on to say: ""Kaffirs are as a rule uncivilised — the convicts even more so. They are troublesome, very dirty and live almost like animals."
Although letting the gods heal the body was okay for his wife, when Gandhi himself became ill, he immediately insisted that he be given medication. When you force your wife to die then cowardly back away from the same morals that killed her...that kinda makes you a hypocrite....and a huge douche bag.

Al Gore (1948 - )

His Preach - Lower Energy Consumption
Al Gore is making millions of dollars making people feel guilty about their high fuel consumption. Millions of people are spending their hard earned money on "green" products and are going out of their way to be "green" and "eco friendly" because Al Gore says that the world will flood soon.

His Practice - Consume 30 Times More Energy Than The Average American
Al Gore Nashville mansion consumes 30 times more energy than an average home on a monthly basis. While most people burn through 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, Mr. Gore's mansion used up almost 221,000 kWh! After releasing An Inconvenient Truth, energy consumption went up by more than 2,000 kWh in Gore household. His excuse for this is that he invest in renewable energy initatives so, in reality, he's carbon neutral. What he doesn't say is that he's actually investing into his own company. So while you're breaking your head open to "think green" Mr. Gore is laughing his ass off at how he's managed to brainwash millions and live the good life at the same time.