Friday, August 29, 2008

How To Win An Eating Contest

In their strange culture that is manhood, the man that can eat the most is considered the manliest. Why this is, I'll never know. Since my the point of my blog is to teach you how to be better than everyone else, here's how to win an eating contest.

Expand Your Walls

The day before the event, drink as much water as you can. Water will stretch out your stomach and quickly exit it. Just like pulling a balloon before you blow it up, this will make it less painful to eat so much food.

Satan's Cereal
For lunch, the day before your big eat, have a bowl of fiber cereal with prune juice. You can guess what you'll be doing that evening. This technique will help clean out your digestive tract and make sure that everything will function poperly on the big day.

Speed Eating

It's a bit obvious that you have to eat quickly in an eating contest but, in case the competition is about volume not speed, remember that slow and steady does not win the race. You have a 20 minute time frame from the time your stomach says you're full to the time you actually feel full. In that short span, you have to down as much as you can. After that, you're gonna really start hurting halfway through you meal, lard-o.


It's important to chew your food properly. No, I don't care about you choking. If you're stupid enough to engage in a primitive eating contest, odds are no one cares about you choking. Food that isn't chewed properly get swallowed with air. That air in you belly means you'll have added discomfort while your eating and may just be the difference between you becoming an fatso and a fatso-so.

Cardio Your Hunger

Some research shows that cardiovascular exercise increases one's appetite. That's right, Porky Pig. Ironically enough, to show your friends you can eat more, you're going to have to pop your jiggly butt onto a treadmill and get that hunger into high gear.

Obviously Genetics plays a lot into how much you can eat but these tips might just be that extra little boost you needed. In my opinion, competitive eating is among the stupidest things guys can do. If you win, you're ultimately a fat loser. If you lose, you're still a loser...only you're a less capable loser. Chew on that, sucka.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Drink To Your Health: How Alcohol is Healthy

Few things parallel in greatness to alcohol. It is, in fact, a maker of miracles. If it weren't for alcohol, 67% of ugly chicks would never see action until their mid 30s. Occasionally, some people will rain on your parade and tell you how bad alcohol is. We've all heard about alcohol destroying your liver or killing brain cells. If you were ever looking for justification for your drinking habits, here they are:


A Finnish-U.S. study showed that beer drinkers have 40% less chance of developing kidney stones. I'd rather drink a pint than pee out a rock any day. I'm not a man of such extreme sadomasochistic fetishes...but that's just me. Beer is also fat free and cholesterol free. I bet your favorite candy bar can't boast the same. Another study showed that, after 30 days of moderate beer consumption, adults show signs of a heightened immune system. The effect was greatest in women. I don't understand why ladies always find it creepy and suspicious when I encourage them to drink more.


Tequila is made from a fruit called blue agave. Blue agave is known to absorb fat in the intestines and lower cholesterol. Maybe next time you'll think twice before prudely rejecting a tequila slammer at the bar. Your stretching bathing suit just might thank you.

Red Wine

Red wine, is pretty well known for being rich in anti-oxidants. If you drink a glass of red wine every day, you're almost guanranteeing yourself a lower chance of cancer. Women, drinking red wine lowers the risk of heart attack for you. For the old farts out there, red wine decreases your chances of developing cataract. No one ever said classy and healthy didn't mix.


Russian's have something to brag about now that vodka has been found to prevent type 2 diabetes. A shot of the Soviet after shave could have you eating cupcakes for a long time to come, tub-o.

Whisky & Brandy

Whisky and brandy, just like red wine, has antioxidants that will prevent your risk of heart disease and cancer. Their antioxidants are actually more powerful than that of red wine. So you can sip on some Pinot Noire with the business chums, but when it comes to a night out with the guys, you know your best buddy will always be Mr. Jack Daniels.

Just in case some geniuses don't understand the concept of self-discipline, drinking should always be done in moderation. Over-consumption of alcohol, like anything else, will result in adverse effects. Just because alcohol has it's downsides when abused, doesn't mean it's bad. Drinking too much milk will give you kidney stones but you don't see any AA groups for that. So know your limits, be safe, and have a good time.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Raw Diet For Dogs (Part 1)

I feed my bird pepper, carrots and broccoli and that's totally acceptable. I feed my fish lettuce, cucumbers and cabbage and that's totally acceptable. However, when I tell people I feed my dog raw chicken, beef and turkey, they're suddenly up in arms with their objections. I must be crazy to do this. Here's why I feed my dog raw meat and, since you wanna copy me all the time, how you can do it too.

Chewing bones cleans your dog's teeth better than any store bought treat ever will. This means they won't rot when he's older and you won't have to break your wallet getting them pulled.

- Many name brand pet foods use fat rendered from euthanized cats and dogs

- Commercial pet food companies, like Eukaneuba, have harsh animal testing facilities

- Commercial pet foods have been found to contain sodium pentobarbitol: the poison used to euthanize cats and dogs

- Grains, a main ingredient in almost all commercial pet foods, is a filler. Dogs cannot digest this. The carbohydrates get turned into sugar which will lead to poor liver function. Have you ever seen a wolf eat grains?


Your dog could catch salmonella.

Had I immediately given him old stanky meat, probably. His immune system can now deal with any salmonella on meat. Firstly, dog saliva has antibacterial properties. That's why they lick their wounds. Secondly, a dog's intestines are 1/4 the length of human intestines. They're designed for quick absorption and elimination. This is the perfect set up for raw meat sine it's high in vitamins (so it doesn't need to stay long) and any bacteria doesn't have time to incubate.

He could choke/get hurt on the bones

Unlike a Quebecois in front of a large poutine, my dog chews his food. Raw chicken bones are soft and springy. They don't splinter like cooked bones. Anyone who argues that raw bones can shard will show you examples of weight bearing bones. Any raw feeder knows that these bones aren't meant to be eaten by any domestic dog. Wolves are able to eat weight bearing bones because the shard created by the crushing of these bones gets wrapped in the fur of the consumed animal while in the stomach. This prevents damage to the inner organs.

It's a hassle

True, it takes longer to prepare. I'm willing to make that sacrifice. Maybe you'd be healthier if you did the same and prepared yourself a decent meal instead of parking your fat ass down at McDonald's 3 times a week for greasy food that's in your mouth within 5 minutes of ordering.

Forget horses, Asians are the new thing to bet on

ScreenLife Games is at it again. They launched a new Banzai game. Check it out:

Does anyone remember that show Banzai that was on TV? You'd bet on the Asians doing tho most random things: who can eat rice faster, who can go on an excercise bike longer etc. Now there's a DVD of it. I suppose you can watch it only once, but it's still quite fun. Traditionally, you're supposed to bet on the outcome. I don't see why you wouldn't just turn it into a drinking game for you and your buddies. It could be quite entertaining. Online, they have lots of fun downloads and games to promote their new DVD like an online Tamagotchi-like character: Tako-gotchi. There's a pic of m lil guy to the right. I think he's eating little teddy bears in sushi rolls...kind of odd. Takogotchi has it’s own myspace page. If you still can't figure out the easy concept of betting on Asians, there's a how to play guide on the website. If this souns like something you might be interested in, you can purchase Banzai online. Even if you sit at home with and watch it with your mom and a big bowl of her homemade mac & cheese, it's still very fun to watch. Lates, Suckas.

Sponsored by Screenlife Games

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Breakfast Cereals Are Destroying Society

I've always asked myself why there are so many punk kids today who think it's ok to become stoned slackers who talk back to their elders. When I was a kid, giving your mom lip (or any adult, for that matter) merits you a smack with a wooden sandal or plastic coat hanger. Now you'll have little Johnny McBratson flipping his mom the bird as he continues to play with his fake friends on Xbox live. Where did this behaviour come from? (other than your shitty-ass parenting) Breakfast cereals. That's right, breakfast cereals are responsible for corrupting today's youth and turning them into the rebellious little foreskins they are today. Lets have a look at some cereals and I'll show you how they're a menace to society.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC)

Every CTC commercial follows the same template. The dialogue is between a teen and an adult:
"Hey Murray, do you know why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?"
"It's got fructose which is highly addictive"
"No, lame-brain, it's got cinnamon swirls on every bite!"
Who the fuck are you to think you know so much about cereal, punk? Do you think you know better than someone who's more than twice your age? You're nowhere near as smart or as witty as you think you are. I hope the "cinnamon sugar" rots your teeth to a paste, you disrespectful dingleberry.


Day after day, I see this poor rabbit try to get his fix of a balanced breakfast. Day after day, he's met with the same response: "Silly, Rabbit. Trix are for kids." That's good sharing, Johnny PeePants. Even when the rabbit gets his own Trix cereal, these snot-nosed punks pop out of a bush and steal his cereal. I can't wait for the Trix rabbit to partner up with the killer bunny from Montey Python: "Silly, rabbit. Trix ar...GYYYAAAHHHH" *bunny rips out jugular*

Apple Jacks

Every commercial, an adult will remind a group of long-haired, pseudo-rebellious kids that their cereal doesn't even taste like apples. The kids brush him off and say that they eat what they like. Essentially what their saying is that they'll fall for any simple marketing ploy. I doubt those Menudo rejects would scarf down that shit if they found out it was really just sugar and wheat by-products.

Cocoa Puffs/Sugar Crisp/Corn Pops

I decided to group these four together because they all allude to the same social problem. Whenever I hear any of their catch phrases, I can't help but be reminded of a cocaine addict. I'll be honest, I like cereal; it's pretty healthy, it's satisfying and it doesn't take long to make. However, a lack of cereal will never cause me to go "cuckoo" nor will I break out into sweat since "I've gotta have my pops." If your sugar/crack addicted kids try to come near my kids, I'll gun them down before they get within 10 yards. No kid of mine will turn into a puffed wheat peddler.

Cap'n Crunch

Cap'n Crunch commercials always start with a bunch of kids being treated unfairly by an adult. Mr. Crunch then shows up and transports them to a colorful world of berries. Now tell me how exactly this isn't exactly like a bunch of slacker popping some LSD to escape the drudgery of a mundane life? Here's a newsflash for you, Paul McCartney Jr., escaping reality won't help you with your problems. Quit poppin' crunch berries, get yourself a job and stop leeching off society.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

5 Annoying Drunk People

"Once I was alone with five drunks,
Each of them was stinkier than skunks.
Simply for fun,
I pissed in the rum,
Then I watched the douche bags blow chunks"
-Carma B

Continuing in the tradition of people who piss me off, I wrote the following article. Every time I go to a party, there are different breeds of drunks. Each one finds his own way to piss me off and ruin the party for other. We all know who they are and it's about time their stupidity was brought out into the open like a closet-necrophiliac fifth-grader.

#1 The Tough Guy

Nothing says "I'm a huge douche" like another macho guy at the bar whose swaggering from side to side. Good for you, Siegfried, you grew yourself some beer balls. I just hope you drank enough to numb the pain when your ass gets knocked down to the pub floor. When alcohol gets into your blood stream, it interferes with your reaction time as well as with your sense of balance. You very much need both if you want to get somewhere other than the bathroom stall with your head in the toilet.

#2 The Daredevil

When there are enough people around, you can count on one drunken pube-snip to do something stupid that will either injure him or break something. Once all the eyes on him, Buttman will probably do something stupid and generic like jump into a bush or show you a knife trick. Congrats, Mr. Fantasdick, you look like a tool! If you want to be entertaining, tell a joke. When I want to see someone break a jungle gym while running into something nuts-first, I watch America's Funniest Home Videos reruns, where the wacky football-to-the-groin antics of lower-middle class Americans are accompanied by the hilarious commentaries of Bob Saget.

#3 The Dancing Queen

I know you're feeling loose and you're really getting into the music but when you hit the dance floor, you look like a complete jackwipe. The mess of uncoordinated seizures and flailing limbs makes me think I'm in a Kill Bill fight scene. You're not lighting up the dance floor, Travolta. You're embarassing yourself and your great aunt gertrude, who now has to get her pacemaker recalibrated when all she wanted to do was dance the macarena with her newly bar mitzvah-ed son, Saul.

#4 The Puker

Some people just haven't learnt about moderation and, at the site of booze, will open their throat hole like a Soviet hooker. These are the cockwads responsible for smelly alley ways and the occasional chunks that line the rim of the toilet at a house party. There's no kiddy table when alcohol is served. No one will tell you what you can and can't have. If you can't show a little self-discipline, maybe you should run along to Chuck E. Cheese's with a pocket full of quarters and leave the pints to the big boys.

#5 The Philosopher (aka Good Will Fronting)

Every now and then, when you're sitting at the bar with a few drinks, there will be one guy balbbing on about his views of society and religion. The worst part is that they think that, through his slurred and beer-soaked words, he thinks his words are a brief history of time. No words uttered after 5 Mooseheads will ever be of any value to anyone - ever. If you want to talk about how you like the AC Milan's new defence, that's fine. Anything else merits you a swift kick to the nuts.