Saturday, April 20, 2013

How to Stay Awake in a Boring Lecture

Unfortunately, not everyone can keep you at the edge of your seat like I can. Some people in this world are boring as shit and, all too often, that person is your professor or lecturer. Staying awake and avoiding death by boredom is crucial in a situation like this. No one wants to be the asswipe who falls asleep in his seat and makes a fool of himself when he lets out a snore or awakes in a panic. That having been said, here's how you stay awake in a boring lecture:

Keep a Level Head

Always keep your chin parallel to the ground. Tilting your head too far back or too far forward will pinch your windpipe slightly and cause you to snore loudly when you’re not paying attention to your breathing. A level head ensures smooth, noise-free air flow, Proper breathing will also provide your brain with fresh oxygen, If you think the whole “oxygen to your brain” business is bullshit, then consider the fact that casinos regularly pump oxygen into their halls to keep patrons awake and gambling.

Play With Yourself in Public

Soldiers, in the case that they be held hostage in silence for a prolonged period of time, are taught to play mind games with themselves to avoid insanity. This sounds a bit too extreme a lesson for your lecture hall, but the lesson carries over. Keeping your mind occupied will keep you mentally alert and hold off total boredom. Try to see how far back you can remember what you had for dinner. Look up riddles or math problems and solve them in your head.

Break your Water

If possible, have a cool water bottle with you. You’d be surprised how much you’ll drink when you have nothing else to do. This will keep you busy when you have little else to do or think about. Where this stone hits the second bird is in the fact that you’ll also be preventing dehydration that would sap your energy. As if keeping yourself occupied and hydrated wasn’t enough, filling your belly with water will have you urging for a piss in no time. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been able to fall sleep on a full bladder.

Dalai Lama Masochism

Buddhist monks pray late into the night in total silence. Should a monk nod off in what should be an intense praying session, he’ll receive a quick smack from a whipping stick. How can you take this method to your lecture? Keep an elastic band around your wrist. Don’t worry; no one will think it’s a hair elastic, you wuss. If you stick to the tan colored ones that blend right in with your skin color no one will know. When you feel yourself becoming drowsy, pull the elastic band and let it snap on your wrist. Don’t crap your pants, it doesn’t hurt that much. While it may seem slightly sadistic, the sharp signals of pain will give your brain a stimulus to process and prevent it from shutting down.

Get Nippy

When your body is at a comfortable temperature, it relaxes a lot of it's systems. This relaxation is causing your mind to slow down on you and relax as well. To wake up your lazy-ass anatomy throw your mind a sobering curve ball. Cooling your body down will send it back into alert, warm-up mode. To achieve this, take off your sweatshirt, if wearing one. If you have a cold water bottle, you can use it to cool down your wrists. Why the wrists? It's an accessible area of the body with little insulation and decent blood flow.

There's no way to defeat the sandman. All these solutions are temporary, superficial fixes. If you find yourself using any of this advice to keep awake, you should be sleeping more at night. How about you stop looking up porn tonight and get to bed at a decent hour? Wondering about the random model pic? It's to get hits and keep it's keeping you awake. I'm all up in your mind, sucka. Stay cool and don't make a fool of yourself.