Friday, January 17, 2014

5 Reasons Montreal is a Pretty Cool Place to be Right Now

Talented writer Maxwell Turner (@BuckDevil) at IX Daily wrote up great piece summarizing Montreal's deplorable state. While I agree with all the points made, it just wasn't acceptable that the best rebuttal to the article be a 1970s bedtime story about festivals and a multicultural melting pot. There are a few good reasons why the 1.6 mil don't abandon ship. I'm by no means jumping to the defense of Montreal's corruption, only pointing out the coolest parts hidden in plain sight.

The Cold
For those of you who haven't yet realized, Montreal is cold...REALLY cold. In fact, it's the coldest city with a population over 1 million. Whether in accommodating tourists or creating internet memes, we wear the bitter cold like a badge on our shoulders. When it drops to -36 we still drudge our way to class, cursing aloud that we didn't hear our school's name on CJAD that morning. Sure we'll spend most of the day bitching about frosted windshields and posting screenshots of weather apps, but as soon as an American looks our way, we turn into Rocky (IV); happily converting the day's wind chill into Farenheit.

The Schools
I realize education is still a hot topic in Quebec, but it wouldn't hurt to think outside the (red) box for a moment. We're churning out students like no other city in Canada. It's not the people like Jay Baruchel, Leonard Cohen and Arcade Fire who deserve our attention. Leave the flaunting of B-level celebrities to college newsletters and focus on the pure knowledge Montreal manufactures in the form of 350,000 students with a higher education. This isn't another cheap "McGill is Canada's Harvard" type argument. This is a testament to a mass of people who will pay Canada's lowest tuition rates but still shake the streets demanding more simply because they don't want to be spoon fed bullshit (other than Raman noodles & Belle Pro's).

The Language
Montreal has spent a long time in conflict over its language. So much attention has gone to fighting restaurant menus and office keyboards that we've lost sight of the benefits as result of our Superkid bilingualism. Forgetting bill 101 for a moment, who wouldn't want to raise their child in an environment that conducive to better attention and problem solving? It's no wonder every Montrealer thinks they know exactly what's wrong and has all the answers. As long as a Francophone orders a "hotte-dogge" and an Anglophone passes through "Lionelle-Groulx", I know the influence is mutual, usually for the better, in spite of what we rant on Facebook.

The Food
Montreal is, in a word, delicious. It has the most restaurants per capita in North America. Our poutine alone comes in more ethnicities than the UN. Maybe that's the result of welcoming immigrants and telling them their only marketable skills are driving and cooking, despite any educational background. Whatever the reason, the fact that Montrealers can snootily have an opinion on what makes a good shwarma, samosa or bibimbap is proof enough that we run culinary circles around many McCities.

The Haters
The purlaines hate English, the Habs hate the Leafs, West Islanders hate going to Laval and hipsters hate everything. Whatever your flavor, there's always something to hate with a passion in Montreal. Of course we have a new protest every week. No matter what you choose to hate in Montreal, there will always be a large body of Montrealers willing to hear your cause and hate alongside before you can even say "Bro, me I don't like that." It's inevitable that many will eventually have their fill and leave Montreal, but they leave as Shane Smiths, Kevin O'Learys and GSPs; ready to call bullshit on instinct and always focused on what needs to improve.

It's not for any one of these reasons that Montreal is a formative place to live, but for all of them combined. True, it's all looking like a big mess right now but, for 1.6 million people of wildly different backgrounds wedged on an island the size of a large iceberg, we've managed to keep our Atlantis afloat quite well.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Cell Phone Etiquette: What does your phone say about your social status?

What do you do with your cell phone when you're sitting at a table? What about at a meeting? Cell phones have quickly become the most opaque symbol of status. Every cell related gesture can tell you worlds about the person and the hierarchical position they perceive/wish themselves to be within the group. So what do cell phone behaviours tell you about your friends?
The one who leaves his cell phone on the table
This behaviour is common among midlevel businessmen and jappy women who want to appear more important than they actually are. Putting your phone down on the table in front of your peers is a way of demonstrating that your other engagements are much more important than your present one The aforementioned teenie bopper will be cell showing to let others see their popularity and how there are many other friends who may want to contact them.
The one who silenced subtlyThis is the behaviour of a true high status individual. He earns respect because he gives respect. Firstly, he lets you know that your conversation is important to him and he doesn't want to break its momentum. Secondly, he's sending the message that, even though there are others looking for him, he'll decide if he chooses to delay the conversation. Both traits are signs of a higher status individual. He's important enough that individuals will continually try to reach him.
The one who excuses their cell phoneThis falls into the category of subtle silencing. Even big shots have crises that they need to address. Excusing their phones shows that they're aware of offence that may be taken by their faux pas. As long as they manage the situation efficiently and return their phone discretely, the interruption wasn't simply a pathetic attempt at showboating.
The one who takes the callIf you’re in a casual social setting, taking a call, so long as it’s excused and brief, may be deemed acceptable. In a more formal setting, or if the call is not brief, the call is once again the phone holder simply asserting their dominance. When you look at the pack mentality of wild animals, the dominant one of the group is allowed leaving the pack whenever he pleases while the lower ranking members aren’t granted such liberties. This is essentially what’s being represented with the cell phone conversation. The phone holder is showing that they can choose when to break the conversation and devote their attention elsewhere. In my opinion this is a dominance gesture that doesn’t carry over to the civilized world. Whoever does it is just a flat out prick. Period.
The one who uses his cell needlesslyWhen once upon a time a man would show his resourcefulness by displaying the pocket knife skills he picked up in boy scouts. Being robbed of that opportunity to display their true skills, all that's left is to download all the pseudo-interesting apps they can find and try to wedge them into any situation they can. On a level of status and self worth, these are individuals who are looking to express their self worth. It's a behaviour common amongst adolescent/young adult males. They're at a point in their lives when their still hammering out their place in industry and what will be their contribution to the world.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

How to Stay Awake in a Boring Lecture

Unfortunately, not everyone can keep you at the edge of your seat like I can. Some people in this world are boring as shit and, all too often, that person is your professor or lecturer. Staying awake and avoiding death by boredom is crucial in a situation like this. No one wants to be the asswipe who falls asleep in his seat and makes a fool of himself when he lets out a snore or awakes in a panic. That having been said, here's how you stay awake in a boring lecture:

Keep a Level Head

Always keep your chin parallel to the ground. Tilting your head too far back or too far forward will pinch your windpipe slightly and cause you to snore loudly when you’re not paying attention to your breathing. A level head ensures smooth, noise-free air flow, Proper breathing will also provide your brain with fresh oxygen, If you think the whole “oxygen to your brain” business is bullshit, then consider the fact that casinos regularly pump oxygen into their halls to keep patrons awake and gambling.

Play With Yourself in Public

Soldiers, in the case that they be held hostage in silence for a prolonged period of time, are taught to play mind games with themselves to avoid insanity. This sounds a bit too extreme a lesson for your lecture hall, but the lesson carries over. Keeping your mind occupied will keep you mentally alert and hold off total boredom. Try to see how far back you can remember what you had for dinner. Look up riddles or math problems and solve them in your head.

Break your Water

If possible, have a cool water bottle with you. You’d be surprised how much you’ll drink when you have nothing else to do. This will keep you busy when you have little else to do or think about. Where this stone hits the second bird is in the fact that you’ll also be preventing dehydration that would sap your energy. As if keeping yourself occupied and hydrated wasn’t enough, filling your belly with water will have you urging for a piss in no time. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been able to fall sleep on a full bladder.

Dalai Lama Masochism

Buddhist monks pray late into the night in total silence. Should a monk nod off in what should be an intense praying session, he’ll receive a quick smack from a whipping stick. How can you take this method to your lecture? Keep an elastic band around your wrist. Don’t worry; no one will think it’s a hair elastic, you wuss. If you stick to the tan colored ones that blend right in with your skin color no one will know. When you feel yourself becoming drowsy, pull the elastic band and let it snap on your wrist. Don’t crap your pants, it doesn’t hurt that much. While it may seem slightly sadistic, the sharp signals of pain will give your brain a stimulus to process and prevent it from shutting down.

Get Nippy

When your body is at a comfortable temperature, it relaxes a lot of it's systems. This relaxation is causing your mind to slow down on you and relax as well. To wake up your lazy-ass anatomy throw your mind a sobering curve ball. Cooling your body down will send it back into alert, warm-up mode. To achieve this, take off your sweatshirt, if wearing one. If you have a cold water bottle, you can use it to cool down your wrists. Why the wrists? It's an accessible area of the body with little insulation and decent blood flow.

There's no way to defeat the sandman. All these solutions are temporary, superficial fixes. If you find yourself using any of this advice to keep awake, you should be sleeping more at night. How about you stop looking up porn tonight and get to bed at a decent hour? Wondering about the random model pic? It's to get hits and keep it's keeping you awake. I'm all up in your mind, sucka. Stay cool and don't make a fool of yourself.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Do Trust Sprays Really Work?

So you're most likely reading this article because you've been seeing ads about these sprays that are proven to get salesmen more sales and bachelors more women. You're now just doing your research to see if you can find even a single unbiased, unsponsored review of ANY of the trust sprays currently on the market. Well, you're in luck. I tested out one of the spray and, even though it's just one man's review, it's an honest one.

I won't leave you in suspense and force you to strain your brain with word, trust sprays are bullshit. They're a scam and a waste of your hard earned money. For 80% of you, that's all the info you needed and will stop reading here since you're running off to waste $30 on some other gimmick. Enjoy.

So for you (unfortunately) few who actually care to educate themselves, here's how I arrived to such a conclusion:

Trust sprays work on the principal of oxytocin being the bonding hormone. The theory is that oxytocin is a natural hormone released in the brain that is associated with trust, intimacy, bonding, etc. It's the hormone released in a new mother when she breastfeeds her child, of partners in a relationship when they interact and in just about anyone when they feel intimacy in whatever form. It's pretty much scientifically proven that smelling oxytocin while interacting with someone will lead to increased trust and generosity towards that person.

While many companies will use very credible scientific evidence to back up the claim that their oxytocin concoction really works, they fall short in one very crucial area. In tests involving oxytocin, a high concentration is sprayed directly into the nasal passage where it can immediately take effect on the brain since it can only survive in the air for about 30 seconds. The trust sprays, however, are sprayed on your own body and are diluted heavily with alcohol. The result is a sucker who just dished out 30 bucks to temporarily coat himself with an ineffective dose of oxyticin and smell faintly of cheap vodka.

Don't think that I'm all talk, either. I bought a trust spray by the name of "Liquid Trust" by Vero Labs I was conveniently working in a popular electronics retail store that meticulously monitors our sales stats at the time and decided I'd try a 1 month supply. If I had significant results, I'd tell all my salesmen colleagues about it, order it in bulk and sell it off to them for a profit (I'm not THAT stupid). This is the small psuedo-experiment I set up for myself. I would test sales performance under the following conditions:

1 week of spraying myself vs 1 week of not
1 week of spraying my friend vs 1 week of not
1 week of spraying a friend without their knowledge vs 1 week of not
2 dates with a trust spray vs 2 without

The Results:
I improved slightly, though not significantly
My consenting friend stayed at the same level
My oblivious friend saw a slight decrease in sales
My dates were all extremely successful...but lets be honest; that's just cause I'm me. Have you seen me lately? Damn.

I know you really want it to be true that, with a few spritzes, you  can earn more money and have to fight women off. It would be so glamorous if someone offered you a magic potion, at an affordable price, that did just that. Unfortunately, there is no such magic formula.There's no substituting good old fashioned charisma and a healthy knowledge of psychology....unless your date is comfortable with you dosing them via nasal spray upon first contact....never know, some bitches be freakyyy

Peace out, Suckas.

PS: I'd really like to know how many silly $30 purchases I've saved. If you got this far and were talked out of the purchase, please throw a little "thanks dude" in the comments below.

Welcome back, Kotter

Konichiwa Bitches!
Yes, I'm going to try to revive the blog. Primarily because you're all lost without me. I took a hiatus to study a whole new set of tips, tiffs and tits. All the knowledge I so pompously dished out up till now took the better part of a decade for me to acquire so you'll forgive me for taking a couple years off. Now that I have a fresh batch mental vomit to hurl your way, you can look forward to me heroically saving you from many more pitfalls. You can avoid being the worst kind of 99% - the ones who aren't hanging on my every word and benefiting from my gospel to the fullest. Good to be back, suckas.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Clothes Make the Man: The Psychological Power of Suits

A friend of mine recently asked me if I thought activists would be taken more seriously if they wore a suit. Any douchy magazine can tell you "a suit symbolizes power and money and makes you look successful." That's the uninspired bullshit you can find in the back covers over comic books. This is how a suit really makes you the man.

The Blazer

The focal points of the blazer are the shoulders. The shoulder pads turn weak, round shoulders into broad, load bearing ones. Female politicians have already caught on to the idea. A firm set of shoulders portrays you as a stronger, more fit and generally more dependable person. The blazer also comes in on the waist to give a slim, fitted appearance that also makes your shoulders seem bigger by comparison.

The Tie

The tie is the colorful center of the suit. Its dimensions accomplish two things. First of all, it's a vertical line running down the length of your torso. Ever heard of wearing vertical stripes to make you look taller? This is essentially the same thing. A taller man is seen as a better leader. It's no coincidence that, of the past 27 US president, 21 were taller than the person they were running against.
The second function of the tie is to work in conjunction with the shoulder pads to make you appear broader. Ever walk around with a fat chick to make you look skinny? This works on the same principal. The eye is constantly comparing objects in its visual field to pick up cues of their sizes. The skinny tie in the middle of your chest works to makes you look even wider and more intimidating.

The Pants

Suit pants are, for the most part, pressed with a nice, neat pleat running down the length of the leg. This is just another example of vertical lines at work. The suit is actually quite good at creating straight vertical lines but why is it so crucial? It has to do with the way the human eye examines an object. The eye doesn't simply fixate itself at the center point of an object and, from there, scan it entirely. Instead, the eye fixates itself at various points of contrast on the object. The path the eye travels between points of fixation are called saccades. The pant pleats create a vertical line of contrast and ensures that the saccades are mostly vertical in their orientation.

The Shirt

The shirt, being the bottom-most layer, is the backup for all the other weapons in your arsenal. It is crisp, clean and bright so that it can accentuate the features of the blazer, tie and your face. The neck and collar, unlike any other shirt you wear, is made of straight lines. This is to contrast the angles of your chin and make it look more defined and masculine; a trait that is examined when you’re being judged on your attractiveness. More attractive people are generally assumed to be more confident, extroverted and better leaders. The solid color of the tie also serves to contrast the edges of the tie and blazer so that they can do their respective jobs.

The Watch

Some of you will be thinking that a watch isn’t part of a suit. Nothing could be further from the truth. The watch is a crucial accessory that not only allows you to display bling in a modest and classy fashion, but also send a strong message about who you are as a person. The watch sends the signal that you’re conscious of the time and you work on a schedule. It tell people that your life is organized because you manage yourself accordingly. It doesn’t matter if you have the time on your phone or iPod. You need to have a watch.

So, to finally answer my friend, absolutely yes. A well fitted suit makes you look bigger, taller, and more organized. So long as it is worn in the proper context, a suit is designed to enhance your masculine features and, in doing so, subconsciously demands respect and sets you apart from the shlubs who opt for the khakis and parka.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Drinks for Two #9: Easter-ning into Spring

So you're hosting an Easter family gathering and everyone's looking to you for a creative drink to reflect the Easter merriment.

Cadbury Easter Egg

3/4 oz. Cream de Cacao
1/2 oz. Bailey's Caramel
Fill 10% Cream

When someone mentions "Easter" do you think of the resurrection of Christ? The circle of life? The blooming spring flowers? No, you think of Cadbury easter eggs in all their chocolaty goodness.

Peep Cocktail

3/4 oz. Rum
1/2 oz. Triple Sec
Fill Grapefruit juice

It's just not Easter without the lovable marshmallow chicks that you always buy but never really enjoy eating. Some traditions just aren't meant to be understood. At least you can still enjoy the drink version of the puffed sugar nausea.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

How to Smoke a Water Pipe

Shisha, nargila, hookah, whatever you choose to call it, it's increased in popularity in the last few years. With the recession still among us, creating a lounge atmosphere at home is becoming a fashionable and cost efficient way of spending an evening. Here's what you need to know if you want to hit the ground running in the hookah bizCoals
There are two kinds of coals you'll be seeing: natural and quick light. Natural coals need to be lit on a stove, bbq or coal chimney. Quick lights can easily be lit with a plain lighter. If you're just starting out with shisha, you shouldn't be hassling yourself with natural coals. Just get yourself some quick lights and don't complicate your life. When you get a bit
more adept at preparing your hookah and feel yourself wanting to fine-tune the quality of your smoke, natural coals generally burn longer, maintain a constant temperature and produce less ash.

Buying Shisha Tobacco
If you're lucky enough to live in a place where flavoured tobacco isn't outlawed (like Canada. Haha. Americans, envy my fruity-tasting tobacco and the way I write flavoUred!) then you should find yourself a source of shisha tobacco. It's different from cigarette rolling tobacco in that the cut is a lot thicker and the dried leaves are glazed with fruit preserve and molasses. If you can't find a tobacconist near you that sells it, there's a brand being sold on eBay for a very reasonable $3 a box. They get away with it because it's sugar cane bagasse and not really tobacco. Personally, I prefer it over the tobacco varieties. In any case, your shisha should be sticky and moist. Should you happen upon a dry batch or your batch dries up, glazing the dry leaves in honey and letting it sit for about an hour should breathe new life into your tobacco. To prevent having to resort to this, it's advised to store your nargila boxes in the fridge.

Coal Handling
Whenever handling a coal it's important to use a set of coal tongs (for obvious reasons).
Avoid smoking the hookah while quick light coals are in the process of lighting. The smoke the let out is quite unpleasant.
To light a new coal, just put a new coal on top of the lit one and blow gently. It should catch in no time.
If you're transitioning to a new coal, you may want to keep you old coal on for a bit until the new one reaches full heat. Pay special attention to the flavor of the smoke. If you notice it becomes harsher, you're burning your coals too hot and that's your cue to remove one.
It's normal to go through 2-3 coals depending on the size of the bowl, quality of the coals, moisture of the tobacco, etc.
Start your coal on the edge of the bowl and gradually, over the process of the full smoking session, shift it around the entire perimeter of the bowl. This will ensure a full and pleasant burn of your tobacco. Leaving the coal in the middle for the entire session will lead to a charred center bowl and an unburnt circumference. On top of that, the tobacco is more likely to heat up past the optimal temperature and produce a harsher smoke

Preparing the Hookah
  • Fill the vase with water
  • Wet the rubber gaskets of the stem, connect the stem to the vase and twist it a bit to form a good seal.
  • Connect the hose to the stem and, again, twist it a bit to form a good seal.
  • Wet the gasket of the bowl and twist it on.
  • Fill the bowl with tobacco and cover it in foil as if you were wrapping a serving bowl of food.
  • With a fork or tooth pick, punch a few holes in the aluminum.
  • Light the coal and set it on the foil
  • Let the coal sit for 30 seconds.
  • Start smoking the shisha.
  • As you draw, the smoke will gradually get thicker.
  • When the air filled part of the vase turns opaque with smoke, you know your hookah's smoking at full capacity.

Filling the vase:
Since the water in the vase is what's going to be filtering and cooling your smoke, it should come as no surprise that altering the contents will lead to new flavors and a better smoke. Firstly, the colder the water the better. You can even add ice to the vase and/or put it in the freezer. Cold water makes a thicker and cooler smoke. Instead of water, you can choose to put in a variety of liquids like wine, coffee, juice, spirits, milk. Of all of them, the most successful for me has been some cold juice with a few sprigs of mint. One thing that's great about shisha is that you can fine tune the recipe to produce your signature tobacco/liquid blend.

Filling the bowl:
The tobacco should have a good smell and be very sticky. If you notice it's dried up, just drizzle a bit of honey on it and let it absorb. When you do pack your bowl, pile the tobacco down and gently press down. Your mound should rise slightly above the level of the lip of the bowl. Cover it with a piece of aluminum and poke holes in the foil with a fork, toothpick or any fine poking device.


Hookah vases tend to be in intricate shapes and are almost always a chore to clean. Sure, the dummies solution is to pop it in the dishwasher but, since the opening is so narrow in comparison to the rest of the vase, the inside won't receive a steam bath at best. If you actually want to get you vase clean and not gross your friends out with crap floating in your hookah water, you'll head to a place where you'll go to a kitchen store and look for one of those bendable scrubbing sticks for wine decanters. The poor man's solution is to put a small handful of uncooked rice in your bowl along with two cups of hot, soapy water. Shake and swirl your vase up like a lychee martini. The rice should act as an abrasive that'll scrub the walls.

The bowl, being a simple piece of ceramic, can be scrubbed or put in the dishwasher like any other ceramic piece.

The importance of stem cleanliness is highly underrated. A dirty, sooty stem leads to a less pure, harsher smoke. Put the stem under a hot faucet and let the water run through the length of the stem to remove the loose soot and soften the encrusted layer. Next use a pipe brush to remove all the crap from the inside.
Unless you know for a fact your hose is washable, it probably isn't. Running water through the inside could crack the rubber. Instead, blow as hard as you can through the hose while rapidly block and unblocking the end.

Pop ‘em in the dishwasher. Shame on you for making me explain that.
Shisha Etiquette
Shisha, unlike cigarette smoking, is a social event. While your typical Tau Bro Phi probably won't know a thing about any sort etiquette associated with smoking nargila, if you find yourself in a Middle Eastern shisha lounge (or country) it's expected that you respect a certain level of decorum. Here are the basic rules you should keep in mind:
  1. The hookah bong is built tall for a reason. It's meant to be placed on the floor next to you, not on the table. Putting it on the table is seen as a form of idol worship - a no-no in a monotheistic culture.

  2. Never pass the hose hand to hand. Rest in on the table to the next person in rotation and rotate the hookah if need be.

  3. If it's your turn with the hose, don't rest it on the table unless your passing it. It's seen as rude to not let others smoke just so you can take a breather while the tobacco's still smoking. Either puff or pass.

  4. On the flip side of rule #2, it's rude to hurry a person with the hose or ask that he pass it. Basically it's a mutually understood manner that one person won't delay too long and the others won't pressure him. It's all for the sake of preserving the friendly, relaxed atmosphere.

  5. Don't think that just because people are smoking, it's okay for you to light up a cigarette. There's something to be enjoyed about the mellow, fruity aroma of the nargila in the air.
And that's all she wrote. It may sound like an intricate process but it's all really common sense. It's just the close attention to detail that separates the truly enjoyable, relaxing smoke experience from the two high school seniors chuffing on ash in their parents' poorly heated garage. Whatever your situation may be, keep in mind that shisha smoking isn't about getting your nicotine fix. It's all about relaxing, socializing with friends, and occasionally just sitting back and enjoying smoke patterns. So take it easy and don't work too hard.

Friday, January 8, 2010

How to Smoke a Tobacco Pipe

Though it may seem a bit too nostalgic (or downright weird) pipe smoking is starting to make a significant comeback; especially in the 21 - 30 age demographic. Some appeal to the classy/manly look and feel of a pipe as they sit down with a friend, catch up on some reading, or sip some fail-me-not bourbon on the rocks. Others find more appeal in the fact that it is form of smoking that is less harmful than cigarettes. Whatever your reason, your looking to get into pipe smoking. Let's go over some basics.

Pipe tobacco varies greatly from one brand to the next. A good tobacconist will have a big enough selection to help you find exactly what kind of tobacco suits you.
To start off, the are two types of tobaccos you have to choose from- english or aromatic. The generalization is that beginners tend to like the sweet aromatics and more experienced pipe smokers will prefer a more full-bodied english tobacco. You can believe that if you want, but not everyone learns to appreciate Smirnoff Ice before they can enjoy Guiness, if you catch my metaphor. Whatever your preference, it's generally a good idea to find at least one aromatic tobacco you enjoy since, in a case where you find yourself smoking in front of others, people tend to like the smoke of aromatics. It's somewhat less intrusive. I've also heard of people hiding their pipe smoking session by using an aromatic tobacco and, afterwards, lighting an incense stick to blend with the smell and fool people into thinking the stick is the source of the odor.

Pipe tool
A pipe tool is super basic and doesn't need to be sophisticated at all. Basically, a pipe tool consists of a tamper, scoop and probe. The tamper is the flat foot used to “tamp” down the tobacco to let the embers spread. The probe is the long poker that’s used for stirring ash and aerating the tobacco. The scoop, through process of elimination and logical semantics, is used to scoop out the “dottle” – the ash and unburnt tobacco.

A pipe filter is an optional addition to your smoking experience. The filter is a piece of either cotton with carbon in it or balsa wood. Filters advertise that they absorb many of the carcinogens in the smoke. Along with that, the filter will also absorb some of the steam let off by the burning tobacco; leading to a cooler, drier smoke. Filters may also be something you'd want to try if you find yourself in the possession of a pipe that, all too often, begins gurgling from a moisture buildup.

Packing your pipe
This is where skill comes into play. Many people won't pack a pipe properly and might have an experience that discourages them from continuing. A properly packed pipe is like writing a short story. If you structure it properly and are conscious about the subtle details, you'll be drawn in with an intriguing introduction, held in place by a consistently enjoyable journey and, finally, be left satisfied with the gradual conclusion.
The predominant method of packing a pipe is the "Child, mother, father method." In this method, you grab your first pinch of tobacco, put it into the bowl of your pipe, and press it down gently with your finger - as a child would. Your next pinch of tobacco is put into the bowl and stuffed in with a press firmer than before. The third, and final, pinch of tobacco is placed into your bowl and pressed down firmly. By doing this, you're packing your bowl with layers of firmness that ensure a pleasant, even smoke.

Lighting your pipe
There are three main devices you can use to light your pipe. As with anything some tools are better suited for the job than others.

Matches: best - matches impart the perfect heat to the bowl. If your tobacco is burnt at too high of a heat, the smoke will be stingy and unpleasant. Matches tend to burn at relatively cool temperature. One thing to always remember is to let the match burn out the head before you bring it to the bowl. You don’t want the sulfuric, phosphoric properties of the match head affecting your smoke.

Butane lighter: Good – If you find yourself in a situation without matches, a butane lighter will do fine. Zippo makes a specialized pipe lighter that can be turned sideways and still have flame exposed below (see pic). Other lighters have a little extension that points the flame downwards. These are both just to make life easier for you.

Jet lighter: Worst – A jet-style lighter is probably the worst thing you could use to light your pipe. Your tobacco will char and produce a smoke that will scorch your tongue. If a jet lighter is all you have, then just don’t smoke. It’s like adding orange juice to your cereal because you don’t have milk. There is no possible reason to be using a jet lighter.

Whichever device you use to light, always keep the flame just above the tobacco and move it in a circular pattern while drawing in. The initial light is actually called a “false light.” The top layer of tobacco will light and puff up. The puffing up means the rest of the bowl won’t light. That’s why, after every initial light, you have to tamp the tobacco down and re-light to make sure you have a nice, last, even light.

It’s completely normal to have to relight your pipe 2-3 times throughout your smoke, the ash buildup tends to choke the embers of oxygen. Use your probe to gently stir and collapse the layers of ash then have another pass with your lighter/match.

Concluding the Experience
When your smoking experience is done, simply empty out the contents of the bowl using the scoop and let your pipe rest for about 24 hours before smoking again. For the first smoke, it’s especially important to let the pipe rest since it’s still being broken in. Also, for a new pipe, go very light on the scoop tool. Try not to scratch the walls of the bowl. You’re trying to buildup a carbon “cake” on the wall so as to give the bowl a bit of a burn protection layer for future lights.

As with most hobbies, you should invest in quality equipment for when you first start. Sure you can cut your spending to under $20 if you buy Captain Black and a pipe from China but that $20 is a complete waste if you end up having a bad experience and get turned off pipe smoking all together. Cheap tobaccos taste crappy. Cheap pipes can have a hot smoke, be prone to gurgling, have loose seals, break easily (happened to me), and even stain your hands with their varnish.

Anyone can buy a pack of cigarettes from a gas station and get their quick nicotine fix. Pipe smoking is about something completely different. It’s about appreciating smoke consistency, flavor, intensity, temperature, etc. I hope you enjoy your venture into pipe smoking. Keep it classy and take it easy.

I want to thank PipeFriendCHS for being my professor in Pipe Smoking 101. I recommend checking out his
YouTube channel and how-to playlist.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Drinks for Two #8: Rudolph, Your Red-Nosed Uncle

Thank goodness Christmas is finally here! Nothing like wanton spending to boost our economy. What say we celebrate with a drink? You're finding yourself cozying up with your lovely after the kids are asleep; having a party of two, or maybe wanting to introduce some creative Christmas drinks at your next event. Here are some drinks that are sure to keep the chills away.

You'll have

Irish coffee
1/2 oz. of Kahlua
3/4 oz. Irish Whisky
Fill Coffee
Top with Baileys

Note: the ingredients are mixed in that order. The whisky is lit before the coffee is added. The tricky part is having it still flame while you add the coffee.

She'll have

White (Christmas) Russian
3/4 oz. Vodka
1/2 oz. Kahlua
Fill egg nog

Happy Holidays to you and yours. Good alcohol is my contribution to the evening's merriment. Always drink in moderation while enjoying.