How To Incorporate Exercise Into Your Daily Life

The New Year has passed and I can tell that at least 50% of my readers want to lose weight for the new year. Yes, the gyms will love you guys. You'll sign up and get motivated and show up 3 times a week for the month of January. However, over the next 3 months, you'll start to slow down and eventually not go. You might even wait a month before canceling your membership. That's pure loss on your part and an easy gain on the gym part. Why does this always happen? The odds are stacked against you. Winter is a cold, dark time of the year. Our bodies physiologically respond to these changes by reducing energy output, consuming more food and sleeping longer. Why? This is basically a defense mechanism. Your body is trying to build up fat and body mass. Instead of using your energy towards exercise, your body is desperately trying to preserve the organs in case of a freezing famine. The more you try to fight your natural instincts, the less your chance is of winning. Pushing yourself to go to the gym after work when it's very dark and cold isn't likely to be a ritual that will last long. The more you manage to integrate exercise into the daylight hours when you're body knows to be active, the better results your see. The following is a list of ways you'll be able to shed those New Years resolution pounds without perturbing your schedule.

Ankle Weight

A good set of ankle weights fits discretely under most pants. They're probably the most crucial item on this list. They allow for a lot of leg toning to be done during the day. While sitting at your desk, try lifting your legs off the ground. Hover them over the ground for as long as you can. It's those kind of long exercises with light weights that'll give you the lean tone for which you might be looking.

Opt For Stairs 

When you have a choice between stairs and escala

tors, go for the stairs. Sounds like a no brainer, right? There is, however, a catch. Since you're not likely to be walking up 2 km of stairs every day, you're going to make the steps you do walk up a bit more intense. Step using only your toes on the ledge of each step. The sole of your foot should be parallel to the ground and yur heel should be floating in the air. Keep your back straight so that the weight of your body is above your ankle. Walking up the stairs in this way gives your calves a great workout. I promise you'll feel the burning sensation on a tall set of stairs.

Sprint Has Sprung
Should you find yourself having to cover a relatively long distance, sprint it. Don't worry about how you look. People will just assume you're just late for a class or a meeting. A five minute sprint once a day will contribute more to your stamina than a 20 minute jog. Remember to use your best judgement when deciding on your sprint location. Sprinting in a parking lot, for example, might get result internal bleeding when a teen driver hits you when he zips around the corner in the Mazda 3 mommy and daddy just bought him.

Wii Will Rock You

You don't need WiiFit to turn your Wii experience into a full workout. Wii fit is simply a marketing ploy. Yes, it could open your game experience to new motions, but you definitely don't need it for a workout. Remember the ankle weights I ordered you to buy? Now try attaching them to your wrists and playing your favorite Wii game. Depending on your motions, your Wii gaming session turns into a workout for your biceps, triceps, deltoids, forearms, pectorals, etc. If you want better comfort, you could always spring for writ weights, but that's optional. Two games I recommend for this are the Wii Boxing (part of the Wii sports package) and Dragonball Budokai Tenkaichi 2. Both require heavy, rapid hand motion.

Butt cracker

It doesn't matter whether you're a guy or girl, the opposite race will check out your ass. It's pretty much a given. Working out your butt is probably the easiest and most descrete workout you can perform. While your sitting in you office or in class, clench your butt for about 5 seconds then release for 2. Each time you do this it's called a repetition or "rep". You should be doing 10 reps at a time. This group of 10 reps is called a "set." You should

 try to do about 3-4 sets in a session. As you progress, try upping the 5 seconds of clenching to 7-10. I realize that all this may sound stupid, but you know what's even more stupid? Watching your jiggly butt speed down the water slide at mach 3 while the lifeguard can't decide whether he's seeing 2 pigs trapped in a hammock or your road map of cellulite.

Tip: An easy way to remember your the repition you're working on is to count the seconds in your head like this:
"1,2,4,5

2,2,3,4,5
3,2,3,4,5

4,2,3,4,5 etc."

All in Stride 

Whenever you get up and walk, whether it be to your next class or to the photocopier machine, push yourself to and just a bit more distance to your stride. Not so much that it looks like a Monty Python sketch (see below) but enough to add an extra 10 cm to your stride. Not only will you find that you walk faster, but you'll also feel the burn in your larger leg muscles.

Big Balls 

One of the more popular workouts, for people who are sitting at an office desk all day, is to sit on a fitness ball instead of a chair. Sitting on the ball forces you to use your core muscles to balance yourself. This should slowly chip away at that gut and those love-handles that threaten to ruin the way you'll look in by in the upcomcoming swimsuit season. If you feel silly bringing one of these to work, that's fine. You can keep it in your TV room and use it while you watch your evening lineup.

The most important thing to remember about all these workouts is that, while they're a means to a goal, you'll never stop doing them. All these things are simple and easy because they're lifestyle changes. This is how you're going to live from now on. While this may sound a tad grim, it's really not because, once you get the body you want, you're acheiving your goal every day. When you look into the mirror and like what you see, that's a reward. As long as you continue to stick with these lifestyle changes, you'll continue to be rewarded and every day will be another day in which you're acheiving your goal. Good luck to everyone who's decided to lose weight in '09. Check out my other weight loss articles for other diet and psychology tips to enhance your weight loss:

http://standeviations.blogspot.com/2008/07/how-to-curb-your-appetite.html

http://standeviations.blogspot.com/2008/07/lose-weight-with-little-effort.html

7 Easy Ways to Improve your Face (for men)

Pluck Your Eyebrows
Let me tell you a love about two eyebrows that were made separately but desperately wanted to join up and form a single entity. Through thick and thin, they struggled to join and share their affection. The part that I didn’t tell you is that they’re two male eyebrows and, as such, their union should be prevented at all costs. That’s where you come and pluck the shit out of their bond. Getting all the little buggers out of the middle is the easy part. It’s shaping each brow that gets tricky. A bushy mess of a brow is just as bad as a uni-brow. Try to focus your energy on getting the stray hairs underneath the brow since it’ll improve the neatness without making your brow look too catered. Two tips on making the process easier to bear – take a warm shower first and pull in the direction of hair growth. The shower will open your pores and the follicle will come out much easier.

Chew gum
A facial feature that’s very desirable in men is a strong, chiseled jaw. A sharp jaw line gives the impression of strength and confidence, at least in your face. An easy way to add some nice shape to this area of the face is to work your jaw muscles. This can be accomplished by chewing gum – lots of it. The constant chewing is like a workout for your mouth. For those without patience or who want a little more of a challenge, try drinking water with the gum in your mouth then continue to chew. The gum should toughen up after having been exposed to the water and will give your jaw more of a workout.

Wash and Exfoliate Your Skin
This may sound like the most feminine of all the tasks but that’s a notion that has to be broken. Being manly doesn’t mean you walk around with a pimple on your forehead after clogging your pores when you wiped your forehead when you and your large mammal friends went out for all-you-can-eat ribs. First exfoliate with hot water. This will remove the crud that’s encrusted on your mug while opening your pores. After rinsing with warm water, use a cleanser to remove the microscopic dirt that’s clogging your pores. It’s important that you rinse the cleanser off with cool water to close up your pores otherwise you’ll dry out your skin. Avoid using oil astringents. They may work for a bit, but after a few days, your skin will start producing extra oil to compensate for it. The last thing you want it for your slightly shiny skin to suddenly turn into an Exxon Valdez.

Trim your facial hair
Whatever your facial hair status, ALWAYS keep it evenly trimmed. However you chose to style your facial hair, not shaving for a week will make you look a disgruntled hobo. If you have a facial hair design (ie: goatee, side burns), it needs to be re-defined and trimmed. If you have a full beard, it needs to be trimmed so it looks neat and uniform again.

Trim your nose/ear hair
Nothing will repulse your date more than a rebellious nose hair rising up against nasal oppression. An easy way to rid yourself of those pesky revolutionaries is to get yourself a nose/ear hair trimmer. It doesn’t need to be something expensive, just something that’s specialized for the job. Hacking away at your nose and ears with a pair of scissors will do more harm than good. You’re aiming to just trim the ends, not shave yourself bald. After all, those hairs are stopping dirt particles from getting inside your body. You can get yourself a good trimmer for under $5 at Deal Extreme. It’s my favorite spot for getting crap like this. Shipping is free with them and, if you try to get the trimmer from the store, you’ll get the same, made in China, product for $20.

Scrape Your Tongue
You probably haven’t thought of the fact that most of your bad breath is actually coming from decomposing particles on your tongue. Brushing your tongue could help but not 100% and a lot of people gag from it. Personally, as a manly man, my mouth wasn’t designed to deftly take in long hard objects whilst delaying the gag reflex. If you can, then all the power to you. You might have a career as a sword swallower….or a pillow biter. Getting back to the point, a tongue scraper is guaranteed to make your mouth feel 10x better. Don’t knock it till you try it. You can pick one up from your pharmacy, or you can get it for less than half the price on Deal extreme.

Moisten your lips
The winter months are just around the corner and with the cold weather comes extremely dry air. That dry air is exactly what’ll cause your lips to get crack and bleed like a leper. If you think applying lip balm is reserved for women, then your enjoy the chapped life and good luck getting anyone to kiss you when they worry that they might be getting a blood transfusion should they lock lips. Balming your lips falls in the same category as brushing your teeth. It’s just another step in making your mouth-area look presentable.

Disclaimer: This is the first article where I made gay jokes. Just to note, I have nothing against the gay community nor do I condemn gay marriage. The purpose of the jokes were to make my homophobic readers more comfortable with taking care of their skin in ways that is wrongly seen as overtly feminine. If you're still offended then too bad. I've wasted enough time writing this disclaimer for your pouty ass. Lates, sucka.

Sushi - The Fountain of Youth

Of all the foods I can think of, sushi is probably the healthiest. If you haven't already tasted it, do yourself a favor and get a box of fresh sushi (not older than 6 hours). It was recently found that Ogimi, an island in Japan has the highest number of centenarians (people over 100) per capita in the world. Most of the island's inhabitants credit their sushi heavy diet as the secret of their longevity. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Sushi is the ultimate health food:

Rice - Rice is an excellent complex carbohydrate. It provides great energy and it fills you up quickly so overeating isn't much of a problem

Vegetables - It doesn't take a nutritionist to tell you that vegetables are healthy for you. They're full of vitamins and minerals.

Seaweed - One of the best things you can eat in the whole sushi roll is the seaweed. It contains almost all the minerals you need in your diet including, sodium, magnesium and zinc.

Raw fish - Raw fish is full of omega-3 and that has countless benefits. Omega-3 fatty acids, among other things, reduce the risk of heart disease, prevent varicose veins and lower cholesterol.

What you won't find in sushi is tons of salt, saturated fat or cholesterol. That's the second half of its secret.

Occasionally, someone will tell me that eating raw fish is gross. You know what I think is gross? Getting 85% of your RDI* of saturated fat from eating a sundae (DQ Peanut Buster), getting 60% of your RDI of sodium from a sandwich (Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese) and getting 55% of your sodium intake from a single chicken thigh (KFC original recipe thigh).

*Recommended Daily Intake (based on a 2,000 calorie diet)

How to Fall Asleep at Night

You know the feeling; you have to wake up early tomorrow but the sandman just won't come. You're stuck watching the clock next to your bed. Every 5 minutes you calculate how much sleep you could get if you fell asleep at that exact moment. Not surprisingly, the next morning you're so dead tired that you can't understand how you could possibly have had trouble sleeping. Well that's about to change. Here's how you're gonna get your 40 winks without delay tomorrow night.

Cereal - the morning crusader also works nights

A bowl of cereal about 30 min before bedtime will help you on your journey to La-La Land. Don't confuse this suggestion with an invitation to eat anything that you can think of before bed. Heavier, prepared meals will get your body in digestion mode and you'll find it much harder to sleep. A light meal like cereal is ideal. I made the mistake of looking this up in the forums. People tended to disagree with the cereal before bed since they had a bowl and they still weren't asleep. That brings me to my next point...

Avoid electronics like the plague

Look at all the cool shit you have! You can listen to music while checking your email while chatting with your friends about Dungeons & Dragons while getting a colonoscopy! As great as all that sounds, none of it should be a part of your routine 30 minutes before you plan on getting to sleep. Devices like computers are highly interactive and will keep your mind fully stimulated. As long as your brain is at this level of activity, no amount of cereal will ever get you to bed. Do everyone who's there on the message boards, bitching that conventional sleeping methods don't work, try shutting down the porn and open a book.

Knockout Tub

For the man who's "in touch with his emotions" a warm bath with some lavender oil added could be just the thing that'll crack this streak of insomnia. Lavender is widely known to be a sleep aid. Combining it with a hot bath makes it even more potent because your not only inhaling lavender infused vapour, but the hot water opens up your pores and you'll absorb more of that nighttime goodness. For those of you who have a bit too much testosterone or are worried that your friends might find out about your late night aquatic escapades, a few drops of lavender oil on your pillow will yield similar results.

Bedroom Association

You should only be doing 2 things in your bedroom, the less exciting of which is sleeping. Other than that, you should be keeping out of your room. Try not to sit on your bed while you have late night chats with your 230 lbs. cybersex buddy, Bambi420. The more things you do in your room, the more your brain associates that area with mental stimulation. If your brain learns that when you’re in bed (alone), it’s sleep time, you’ll eventually find yourself getting drowsy when you enter your bedroom. That’s because your brain will recognize it’s environment and begin to decrease its activity. This is almost the same concept as the environmental tolerance I mentioned in the alcohol tolerance article.

Take a Trip to Palmsdale

If you didn't have a proper workout before going to bed, you're muscles will have trouble entering a state of relaxation. A quick way of putting your entire body and in a state of total relaxation is, obviously enough, masturbation. Playing a solo on the devil's clarinet releases a chemicals called endogenous opioid peptides into your brain. Opium, if you couldn't tell by the name, is also an opioid. Opioids will have a muscle relaxing and sleep inducing effect similar to that of morphine. This, combined with many other hormones released in the process, will have a sedative effect and should have you dreaming in no time.

At the end of the day, we each have something that works best for us. Nothing will work for everyone all the time. Should none of these methods even remotely help, you should consider seeing a doctor and ask about the possibility of insomnia. Staying up late for anything isn't cool. Sleep deprivation result in a lower IQ, impaired driving, poor social skill and, worst of all, ugly bags underneath your eyes. Sleep tight and don't tell your boyfriend you really dream about me at night.

Your Nose And You: a man's guide to boogers

So you've got a nose full green plasma. Some people call it disgusting but it's snot. (HAHA) Boogers come in many shapes and textures. Each one requires you to take the proper actions and precautions to ensure safe ejection. Improper action can lead to sticky, mucous covered hands or worse: a nose bleed. Be sure to read the following article very carefully before your next pick or it could be you last.

Species

The Mossy Rock

This is pretty much your standard, run-of-the mill boog. The out side is slightly goopy but the center is pretty solid and well built. There's no need to panic for this one. It's harmless. You have 2 options for dealing with this bad boy. The first option is using a Kleenex. Thanks to the slightly slimy exterior of the specimen, it will form a semi-seal in the nostril and will allow for a pressure buildup great enough to fling it into a Kleenex. Your second option is going in for a manual extraction using the index finger. The nougat-like center will allow you to nab that sucker without too much mess. Keep in mind that before you flick it, you'll have to roll it. (See Methods & Techniques below).

The Meteor

The meteor is the bastard son of the mossy rock. Unlike it's father the meteor does not have a soft, lubricated coating. This means that going in for the pick puts you at risk of pressing it's jagged surface against the wall of your nostril. This will produce a very painful sensation. If the meteor is big enough, it might just have enough air resistance to be shot into a Kleenex. If it's too small for this, a quick hot shower will transmogrify the rebellious ingrate into a more manageable species. For those brave souls, if the situation call for it, you can use good ol' index to coax the evil menace out of your nose but proceed with extreme caution.

The Comet

The Comet is the athletic, studious and legitimate son of mossy rock. It still has pops solid core and semi-gushy exterior. Though it is slightly less lubricated than the mossy rock, it hides behind it a magnificent secret. Its tail is a soft endoplasm that extends deep into the nasal cavity. This leads me to the best way to remove it. The fun and joy behind a comet is picking it out. You think you're just getting a regular mossy rock but suddenly you discover that your removing a full umbilical cord and you're suddenly able to breath 90% better. You can always use Kleenex, but why would you want to?

The Blob

99% of the audience already know what I'm talking about. Yes, the blob is morbidly obese, jobless uncle who we all hate. The blob is that oozy drippy unpleasantness that comes along and ruins your perfect date walking through the park on a beautiful fall afternoon. Nothing is less attractive than a man who is producing a sound out of his nose that many experts would claim is a dolphin fart. Picking is like sticking your finger into a package of ground beef and hence is futile. All your base are belong to blob. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. See how fucking annoying blowing your nose over and over gets!?!? There's no end in sight! The blob just keeps regenerating and haunting you. The worst part is that, should you take a stand and just don't blow anymore, you feel like it's full out dripping out of your nose even though it's really not. Damn you blob! You're deceiving and relentless!

The Clingon

The Clingon is a vicious little demon. He's known for clinging onto nose hairs and refusing to let go. A clingon can be brought about by either a blob exposed to Canada's winters or by a meteor that has just so happened to form around a hair. The only way to remove a clingon is through a masochistic display of follicle extraction. Blowing into a Kleenex won't help. Clingons have been said to hold onto hairs in the presence of winds exceeding 130 mph. Blow all you want but that sucker's holding on tighter than a bulimic chick to her uvula.

The Paint Scraping

Some people love 'em, some hate 'em. Paint scrapings are the semi-solid boogers that'll stick close to the wall of your nostril. Due to their ergonomic and aerodynamic design, trying to blow them out simply won't work. It's obvious that your going to need to go in there with a motion that's strangely reminiscent of getting the leftover cake batter off the walls of a bowl. Under no circumstances is this picking to be done in public. Scraping your nose paint is the most obvious and disgusting style of nose picking. The application of pressure to the walls result in you pushing your nose outwards and causes your upper lip to lift up slightly. Needless to say, you do not want to be caught in this position. Try and reserve this simple pleasure for the privacy of your own home.

The Constipation

Say goodbye to quiet breathing when you've got a constipated nose. You've got a blob so viscous that not even your full lung pressure can dis-lodge it. Trying will only make your ears pop. Your only option is to melt away the the dam with a nice steamy shower or bath.

Methods & Techniques

The Roll

Semi-moist goblins require a slight amount of rolling to get them into their most aerodynamic shape and also to reduce their sticky properties. Rolling is as easy as touching your index finger to your thumb and moving it in a clockwise pattern.

The Flick

After you're done rolling, you gotta get rid of the evidence. I mean where are you gonna put it? Your pocket? With the nasal C4 on your index, flick normally, as you would to an insect who's wronged you.

The Shnot-Rocket

Tilt your head back slightly, block one nostril with your index finger and blow out of your nose vigorously. The pressure should fling out the contents of your nose without dirtying your fingers. WARNING: Attempting this technique with the blob may result in a toxic loogie oozing out your nose. Women immediately report to one another when they spot a guy whose got a toxic loogie. They have a universal online database of this but I haven't been able to crack the password...or find the site...or find anyone who would admit to it.

5-Fingered Tissue

In the absence of a tissue one, one may pinch his nose slightly and use his hand as if it was a tissue. When the deed is done, a quick snap of the wrist will rid the hand of it's congealed mess. Acceptable places to practice this are: in the shower or on a hiking trip. Unacceptable places to do this are at a pool or at the office. Know your limits.

How To Win An Eating Contest

In their strange culture that is manhood, the man that can eat the most is considered the manliest. Why this is, I'll never know. Since my the point of my blog is to teach you how to be better than everyone else, here's how to win an eating contest.

Expand Your Walls

The day before the event, drink as much water as you can. Water will stretch out your stomach and quickly exit it. Just like pulling a balloon before you blow it up, this will make it less painful to eat so much food.

Satan's Cereal
For lunch, the day before your big eat, have a bowl of fiber cereal with prune juice. You can guess what you'll be doing that evening. This technique will help clean out your digestive tract and make sure that everything will function poperly on the big day.

Speed Eating

It's a bit obvious that you have to eat quickly in an eating contest but, in case the competition is about volume not speed, remember that slow and steady does not win the race. You have a 20 minute time frame from the time your stomach says you're full to the time you actually feel full. In that short span, you have to down as much as you can. After that, you're gonna really start hurting halfway through you meal, lard-o.

Chewbacca

It's important to chew your food properly. No, I don't care about you choking. If you're stupid enough to engage in a primitive eating contest, odds are no one cares about you choking. Food that isn't chewed properly get swallowed with air. That air in you belly means you'll have added discomfort while your eating and may just be the difference between you becoming an fatso and a fatso-so.

Cardio Your Hunger

Some research shows that cardiovascular exercise increases one's appetite. That's right, Porky Pig. Ironically enough, to show your friends you can eat more, you're going to have to pop your jiggly butt onto a treadmill and get that hunger into high gear.

Obviously Genetics plays a lot into how much you can eat but these tips might just be that extra little boost you needed. In my opinion, competitive eating is among the stupidest things guys can do. If you win, you're ultimately a fat loser. If you lose, you're still a loser...only you're a less capable loser. Chew on that, sucka.

Drink To Your Health: How Alcohol is Healthy

Few things parallel in greatness to alcohol. It is, in fact, a maker of miracles. If it weren't for alcohol, 67% of ugly chicks would never see action until their mid 30s. Occasionally, some people will rain on your parade and tell you how bad alcohol is. We've all heard about alcohol destroying your liver or killing brain cells. If you were ever looking for justification for your drinking habits, here they are:

Beer

A Finnish-U.S. study showed that beer drinkers have 40% less chance of developing kidney stones. I'd rather drink a pint than pee out a rock any day. I'm not a man of such extreme sadomasochistic fetishes...but that's just me. Beer is also fat free and cholesterol free. I bet your favorite candy bar can't boast the same. Another study showed that, after 30 days of moderate beer consumption, adults show signs of a heightened immune system. The effect was greatest in women. I don't understand why ladies always find it creepy and suspicious when I encourage them to drink more.

Tequila

Tequila is made from a fruit called blue agave. Blue agave is known to absorb fat in the intestines and lower cholesterol. Maybe next time you'll think twice before prudely rejecting a tequila slammer at the bar. Your stretching bathing suit just might thank you.

Red Wine

Red wine, is pretty well known for being rich in anti-oxidants. If you drink a glass of red wine every day, you're almost guanranteeing yourself a lower chance of cancer. Women, drinking red wine lowers the risk of heart attack for you. For the old farts out there, red wine decreases your chances of developing cataract. No one ever said classy and healthy didn't mix.

Vodka

Russian's have something to brag about now that vodka has been found to prevent type 2 diabetes. A shot of the Soviet after shave could have you eating cupcakes for a long time to come, tub-o.

Whisky & Brandy

Whisky and brandy, just like red wine, has antioxidants that will prevent your risk of heart disease and cancer. Their antioxidants are actually more powerful than that of red wine. So you can sip on some Pinot Noire with the business chums, but when it comes to a night out with the guys, you know your best buddy will always be Mr. Jack Daniels.

Just in case some geniuses don't understand the concept of self-discipline, drinking should always be done in moderation. Over-consumption of alcohol, like anything else, will result in adverse effects. Just because alcohol has it's downsides when abused, doesn't mean it's bad. Drinking too much milk will give you kidney stones but you don't see any AA groups for that. So know your limits, be safe, and have a good time.

Raw Diet For Dogs (Part 1)

I feed my bird pepper, carrots and broccoli and that's totally acceptable. I feed my fish lettuce, cucumbers and cabbage and that's totally acceptable. However, when I tell people I feed my dog raw chicken, beef and turkey, they're suddenly up in arms with their objections. I must be crazy to do this. Here's why I feed my dog raw meat and, since you wanna copy me all the time, how you can do it too.

Why:
Chewing bones cleans your dog's teeth better than any store bought treat ever will. This means they won't rot when he's older and you won't have to break your wallet getting them pulled.

- Many name brand pet foods use fat rendered from euthanized cats and dogs

- Commercial pet food companies, like Eukaneuba, have harsh animal testing facilities

- Commercial pet foods have been found to contain sodium pentobarbitol: the poison used to euthanize cats and dogs

- Grains, a main ingredient in almost all commercial pet foods, is a filler. Dogs cannot digest this. The carbohydrates get turned into sugar which will lead to poor liver function. Have you ever seen a wolf eat grains?

But...

Your dog could catch salmonella.

Had I immediately given him old stanky meat, probably. His immune system can now deal with any salmonella on meat. Firstly, dog saliva has antibacterial properties. That's why they lick their wounds. Secondly, a dog's intestines are 1/4 the length of human intestines. They're designed for quick absorption and elimination. This is the perfect set up for raw meat sine it's high in vitamins (so it doesn't need to stay long) and any bacteria doesn't have time to incubate.

He could choke/get hurt on the bones

Unlike a Quebecois in front of a large poutine, my dog chews his food. Raw chicken bones are soft and springy. They don't splinter like cooked bones. Anyone who argues that raw bones can shard will show you examples of weight bearing bones. Any raw feeder knows that these bones aren't meant to be eaten by any domestic dog. Wolves are able to eat weight bearing bones because the shard created by the crushing of these bones gets wrapped in the fur of the consumed animal while in the stomach. This prevents damage to the inner organs.

It's a hassle

True, it takes longer to prepare. I'm willing to make that sacrifice. Maybe you'd be healthier if you did the same and prepared yourself a decent meal instead of parking your fat ass down at McDonald's 3 times a week for greasy food that's in your mouth within 5 minutes of ordering.

How to Curb Your Appetite

I recently posted an article about how to lose weight. I wanted to include a paragraph on curbing your appetite, but I quickly realized that this was a whole article on its own. There are so many tricks you could learn that would help you put the fork down, Rosie O'Donnell. I understand that you're frustrated about your helpless, dead-end life. You eat because you're sad and you're sad because you eat. Well it's time to break that vicious cycle. It's time to have you eating less and here's how you'll do it:

What: Eat watery foods
Why: Foods that are high in water will fill you faster and have you'll take in much fewer fats
How: Instead of raisins, eat grapes. Have a watermelon wedge for dessert. Apples are ok but a nice juicy pear is better.

What: Have carbs
Why: Before I even start, I know what you're thinking "but the Fatkins diet says I can't have carbs, they lead to fat." That's a load of bull. Are you going to listen to the words of a man who suffered a heart attack the year before he died? News flash, Atkins got rich of duping people and was able to have a steak dinner every night. All that meat contains cholesterol that'll clog the shit out of your arteries and eventually kill you. Now, onto scientific matters. Carbs will inhibit the production of ghrelin (a hormone that makes you hungry) longer than meats will.
How: Have a nice carby cereal for breakfast. A nice pasta lunch will keep you surprisingly satisfied and may even stop you from guilty snacking until dinner.

What: Press on your ear
Why: I'm not sure if I fully believe this, but it's definitely worth mentioning. In acupuncture, the appetite can be controlled from the ear. Pressing on the part just above your earlobe will apparently stop a hunger pang dead in its tracks.
How: When you feel the hunger bug biting and you're eyeballing the candy bar on the top shelf of your pantry, press on your hunger spot and maybe that'll stop you from inhaling that Mars bar...that and the fact that the Mars company tests on animals.

What: Keep a water bottle on you
Why: When you're sitting at the cubicle on in class, you may not notice it, but you start to fiddle with things. Some people bite their nails, which gives them fugly hands. Others will rub their foreheads, which will give them fugly a complexion. Keeping a water bottle near you will put you in the habit of constantly drinking. Before you know it, you're stomach will be feeling quite full and you'll find yourself turning down the donuts in the office cafeteria.
How: Quit being cheap and splurge on a $2.99 case of 12 water bottles. Take one to work/school with you every morning.

What: Eat Breakfast
Why: Being hungry from the morning will almost guarantee you overeating at lunch. Another near certainty is you cheating with a snack until lunch. Eating a decent, healthy breakfast will curb your appetite until lunch.
How: Chuck some fruit, yogurt and milk in the blender.

After having said all this, I'd like to mention that these methods are to stop you from eating unhealthy and (all too readily available) vending machine snacks. Never starve yourself to be skinny. Not only is it not healthy, but it doesn't work. When your body realizes that it's in starvation mode, it'll begin to hold onto its fat and won't let you burn it off. You'll end up feeling fat, sluggish and cranky.

Lose Weight With Little Effort

Everyone is looking for a magic fix. Nobody wants to work to lose weight and the reality is that, sometimes, they don't need to. Funny, huh? The truth is that a suprisingly significant weight loss can be achieved through a series of small decisions. There's no secret to any of this. You can find it out on your own through surfing but I'm going to deliver them all to you because: a) I'm an amazing and sympathetic individual and b) You're a lazy shlub who's constantly looking for the quickest, easiest way to squeeze into a bathing suit this swim season. So, without further adieu, here's what you're going to do to shed pounds and why.

What: Eat spicy foods.
How: Order the spicy meals at restaurants and buy a bottle of hot sauce for home. Whatever you feel can be spiced up (i.e. chili, pasta, bbq meat)
Why: There are many reasons why spicy foods will help you lose weight. You'll end up eating less. You'll drink more water. Your metabolism will go up causing you to burn more fat. Your digestive system works harder to break down spicy foods. All together, you can't go wrong with a little spice in your life. While it's a myth that spicy foods will cause an ulcer, it's true that spicy foods may aggravate pre-existing stomach conditions.

What: Eat early in the morning.
How: Eat as many quick, healthy meals as you can in the morning (i.e. instant oatmeal, an apple, egg in the microwave)
Why: The sooner you eat in the morning, the sooner you get your metabolism running in the day. In this way, you can maximize your bodies fat burning efficiency each day.

What: Eat sparingly and frequently
How: Ziplocs will become your new best friend in this task. Cereal, dried fruit, almonds, etc. can all be placed in Ziplocs and whipped out when you're feeling even a fiendish. You'd be surprised at how well a snack-sized Ziploc of almonds will crush a hunger pang.
Why: This works to make you lose weight in two ways. Firstly, it prevents you from gorging when a big meal comes along. Secondly, frequent food intake lets your body know that it isn't in a situation of starvation and it has the green light to go ahead and burn as much fat as is needed since fat storage isn't required.

What: Eat with chopsticks.
How: Not too hard to figure this one out. When the meal allows (stir fry, chicken pieces, chinese noodles) eat with chopsticks.
Why: Your lack of cultural diversity will inevitably cause you to eat your meal more slowly and will give your stomach the proper time to tell your brain when it's full. Surprisingly, there's a 20-minute gap between the time you've eaten enough and your brain knows that you've eaten enough. Some people will eat an extra 20 minutes worth of extra food that will become fat and leave you with that painful stomach-bursting sensation.

What: Use ankle weights.
How: Ankle weights are these straps that wrap around your ankle with velcro. Some models contain a series of half-pound sand bags that allow you to adjust the weight. Most models are quite discreet and will go unseen when covered with pants.
Why: Every step will have you burning more calories. A trip up the stairs becomes an amped-up mini workout. This is one of my favorite methods because it totally blends a full leg workout into your day.

What: Use small spoon, tall glasses, and small plates without patterns.
How: The wonders of capitalism make this quite the easy task.
Why: All these items will trick your mind into thinking that your consuming more food than you actually are. This will cause you to eat and drink less. How much less? Using a tall, slim glass will cause you to pour yourself about 34% less drink than you would if you used a short, stubby glass. Using a small, plain plate will have you eating about 23% less than a large, decorated plates. Using a smaller spoon will sometimes cause you to eat up to 36% less food than you would with a larger spoon.

What: Sit up
How: Stop slouching, you lazy shmuck.
Why: Sitting up straight will cause you to contract your lower back muscles and will stretch out your abs. This gradually works your core and might just be the final step into getting some defined six-pack line in your stomach.
What: Have a soup/salad
How: Tell the nice waiterman that you'd like the soup du jour or a salad
Why: A warm soup or a fresh salad 15 minutes before your meal is likely to have you eating less of your meal. Odds are, your meal will contain much more fat than a soup or salad.

What: Eat brown bread
How: When the waiter at your favorite breakfast joint asks if you want white or brown bread, take the brown. When at the grocery store, forget about your bleached white bread. Opt for something multi-grain
Why: White bread is garbage. It's chemically bleached and has absolutely no health benefits. Whole wheat bread has the fiber and nutrients you'll need to have a slim figure

So there you have 10 ways to lose weight without any hard work on your part. That's right, Benny Hill, even you can shed a few pounds. If you think this is all you'll need to do, you're wrong, as usual. To get the body everyone wants you to have, you're going to have to sweat but until you get your lazy ass off the couch, these tips should help you get started on the road to sweating off your jello butt and rubber love handles. Lastly, as glorious as I may be, I'm not your doctor. Before making any big dietary decisions, you should discuss your hair-brained ideas with a physician. See ya soon. Don't come back until you're slim.

How to Survive Torture

We all pray that no harm will ever come to us but sadly, that's not always the case. Since I'm the man who takes you under his wing, I'll teach you how to survive the unthinkable. One day, when you're a covert spy being tortured, you'll think back and thank me for this. Without further adieu, here's how you'll withstand torture.

Plan your escape

If you're fortunate enough to be unmasked when you're brought to your cell, you can already begin to plot your escape. It's important to realize that, even if you co-operate, your captors aren't likely to let you go with a fruit basket and a "thank you" card. Try to remember any codes or hallways you spot. Try to find flaws or patterns in the building. These may just save your life when you're making your daring escape.

Wimp out

When you're being tortured, remember that you're lower than a piece of shit. You should be fearful and submissive at any moment. Though acting like a tough smartass may work for James Bond, it'll piss off your guards and label you as useless or uncooperative. That'll get you killed or tortured harder. Instead of being a rock, be more like a gelatine. Gelatine will mold, squish and give in to any sort of force but it will never let go of its moisture. In the same way, you should show pain (even exaggerate it) but you'll never let go of your information.

Transcend the physical

If you're not a man of religion, then it's time to find God. Many have reported that meditation can help you overcome extreme stress and pain. Buddhist monks have managed amazing physical feats like surviving Himalayan winters or burning to death without moving an inch simply through the power of meditation. Try to take yourself to a better place and, as impossible as it may sound, leave your pain behind.

Pass out

I know you pass out real quick after 4 beers at every frat party you've ever been to, but this is very different. Passing out in this situation can buy you some mercy from your captors if they believe that you are passing out from pain. Their motivation isn't to knock you out with pain, but rather apply as much pain as you can consciously tolerate. There are two ways to manually pass yourself out. The first way is to hyperventilate yourself. Instead of taking regular, shallow breaths, start taking heavy, lung-filling breaths in and out. This disruption will actually mess up with the oxygen getting to your brain. You should go into a trance-like, painfree state just before you pass out. The second way of passing out is by crounching down and taking a few deep breaths. After 5 minutes of heavy breathing, exhale everything in your lungs and stand up quickly. The lack of blood and oxygen in your brain should knock you right out.

Stay Positive

The final, and most important, piece of advice is to never give up. When you give up hope psychologically, your body physically gives into the stress and begins to weaken and shut itself down. You must always remain calm and confident. Freaking, panicking and acting irrational is also negative. It puts additional stress on your body and mind and will only result in an increased probability of you dying.

That, in brief is how one would survive a torture situation. Once again, you should pray that you never have to draw upon any of these skills, but it's always good to be prepared. Try to stay safe and, no matter what, always be strong. Peace out, SuperSpy.

7 ways to prevent heart failure

Let's face it, you're not a young buck anymore. You have to start watching your health. The days of being up all night partying and drinking are behind you and the most the thing that would give you the most thrill right now is outliving all you friends. That's why I'm going to help you out with some tips on how to prevent heart failure.

1) Whole Wheat Breakfast - Starting the day with a whole wheat cereal will reduce the risk of heart failure. To qualify as "whole grain" a breakfast cereal must contain at least 25% oat or bran.

2) Excercise - Getting off your couch and taking a brisk 30 minute walk can reduce your risk of heart disease by up to 50%. I think that's well worth it.

3) Stop Smoking - It's obvious that smoking will cause you heart problems further down the road. If you really want to be healthy, kick the habit. Otherwise, enjoy your stinky breath, yellow teeth and black lungs.

4) Booze it up - Once a day, it's actually beneficial to have either a glass of red wine, a light beer or a shot of tequila. Each has its own clinically proven benefits. Including heart disease prevention and cancer prevention.

5) Apples and Oranges - Having coffee every day can make you jittery and raise your stress levels. Stress can eventually lead to heart problems. An apple alone will do a better job of waking you up in the morning. When coupled with an orange, you ensure yourself a great boost for the morning.

6) Enter Sandman - Getting the right hours of sleep will reduce stress and help your body maintain itself more efficiently. Staying up late and sleeping in on weekends doesn't count as getting the right hours. Your body reserves 10 pm to 7 am for deep sleep. Those are the hours you want to target in order to get the full benefit of your slumber.

7) Pill Popping - Taking a baby aspirin daily, surprisingly enough, can lower you risk of heart failure. Aspirin thins out your blood and, in the process, will prevent the formation of clots. Be careful not to take an adult aspirin daily as it could lead to potentially serious bleeding.

There's no guarantee you'll be as healthy as me, even after all these steps. Still, it doesn't hurt to strive to be as much like me as you physically can. No matter what you do, heart failure is still a risk in your older years. Should the day come that you have a heart attack and you have to be defibrillated, you better cross your fingers that it's not part of a defibrillator recall too many people die from faulty defibrillators. On the bright side, if you live to tell the tail, you can make yourself a pretty little lawsuit. Keep healthy, you fat shlub.

7 Ways to Avoid Getting Sick this Winter

Winter is just around the corner and millions of people are more confused that a baby in a topless bar when it comes to how to avoid the terror we call "swine flu." When you don't take care of yourself properly, you're not only making yourself feel like shit, but you're also unpleasant to be around. Here are some easy ways to have you performing at your best through times when the environment tears people down.

Vitamin C

I'm not advocating vitamin C as a wonder drug that cures everything, but when it comes to colds and your immune system, having your proper dosage is irreplaceable. Winter is when some of the best citrus come in from Florida. A daily grapefruit, orange or few clementines as a snack will give you an adequate force field against germs.

Dress Warmly

Toughing the cold isn't macho, it's stupid. Even though you think you can tolerate the cold, you're just making your body a weaker, less efficient machine by lowering your immune system. This allows the airborne shit people cough up to get into your body and convert you into a zombie.

Purell

Purell, though some may see it as a Godsend, is not an appropriate long term solution. Have you ever thought about why they advertise that it kills 99.9% of germs? What happens to that last .1%? That last .1% is actually formed an immunity to your disinfectant. With repeated use of Purell, you better believe that this strain of superbug will multiply and the western world will have a much bigger epidemic; what to do against a germ that won't just be killed by a $2.99 bottle from the pharmacy. Do yourself and your kids a favor and build yourself a healthy immune system instead of trying to sterilize your world. You're only kicking yourself in the ass when you decide that 99.9% clean is favorable.

Get Adequate Sleep

Take advantage of the early nights by letting yourself fall asleep sooner. Not only are you mentally alert after a full night's sleep, but your body is also biologically alert to fight off your friends' disgusting airborne phlegm. When you and your kids go through the day tired and sluggish, you better believe that your immune system is feeling the same way. A good general would never send weary soldiers to the front line; in the same way, you shouldn't be putting your body up to the fight against illness when it's not fully charged. If you're having trouble sleeping, have a look at my article on how to sleep better at night.

Stay Hydrated

Being dehydrated not only makes you sluggish and drowsy, but it also does the exact same thing for your white blood cells that usually fight off bacteria. Your body needs water like your engine needs oil. Just like oil, water just helps all the processes of your body run smoother. Also just like oil, it's easy to forget when you're due for a refill. A good trick to avoid dehydration is leaving a bottle of water on your desk or with you at all times. You'll be surprised at how quickly you manage to down a bottle (and also how quickly you'll be running to the pisser).

Watch out for Public Phones

With the potential of having hundreds of people spitting on them daily, public phones have managed to be more filthy and germ-encrusted than public bathrooms. This doesn't mean you should set a restraining order, just try to avoid them when possible. When using one is necessary, be weary of all the germs that are lurking on the mouthpiece and try not to get too comfortable with the handset.

Elbow Sneeze

This may sound gross at first, but it's actually been found to be better to cover your nose with your elbow when sneezing instead of with your hands. This will not only prevent you from passing your nasal-dwelling fecal matter to others, but will also stop you from helping the bacteria find an easier way in through your ears, nose or mouth after your nose kicked it out.

You'll notice that nowhere did I mention getting a flu shot. I'm not a big believer in the flu shot and, unless you've researched the topic for yourself, you shouldn't be either. Pop quiz: what's in a flu shot? It's actually small doses of that very ailment. Some people fight it off easily and, as result, will have a body that is now immune to that sickness. Other people will just flat out get sick from the stuff and will therefore have paid some $10-$20 to sit at home with a pulsating head and oozing nose-goblins. Whatever you choose to do with your body, I'm still much better than you. Enjoy the winter, subordinates!

Disclaimer: This information is the result of extensive research and is in no way a medical opinion.

Building a Tolerance

Disclaimer: In no way to I support alcoholism or any similar (indirect) problems. The following article is a summary of my research and should, in no way, be taken as professional medical advice. The following article is solely for the purpose of entertainment. That being said I will now teach you…

How to Build a Tolerance to Alcohol

The ability to consume large amounts of alcohol while staying conscious is nowadays directly associated with maturity and, in the case of men, masculinity. It goes without saying that puking after 3 drinks won’t get you any respect. Acting stupid within the first hour of a party will have you labeled as the “cheap date” or ‘easy drunk” and will probably have people annoyed resulting in the decline of future invites. Before you try anything, first you must decide which type of tolerance is right for you.

Functional Tolerance – I’ve had a few people boast to me that puking from over consumption has given them a higher tolerance. This is partly true. Puking has nothing to do with the process. The reason they’ve noticed a higher tolerance is from the sudden over intake. This sudden over intake on weekends will gradually create a need for more alcohol to reach the same level of intoxication. It will not, however, lead to you being able to hold onto your motor and reasoning skills. In short, you won’t feel a buzz after 3 drinks, but you also can’t solve a puzzle.

Learning Tolerance – This, in my opinion, is the better form of tolerance. Instead of taking in a lot of alcohol to build your tolerance, you’d take in a small amount then start working on your motor, logic and balancing skills. This will train your brain to think and act clearly even with alcohol in your bloodstream. You may notice that you’ll still feel moderately intoxicated after 3 drinks, but you’ll still be able to walk straight and not spill everyone’s drinks. To me, this seems like the ideal option for a slick social drinker that wants to drink to take the edge off but doesn’t want it interfering with his/her ability to work the room.

Environmental dependant tolerance – Have you ever noticed that when you drink in your basement you can put away two 40s and not feel a thing but at the bar 1 drink will get you to nirvana? This is due to environmental dependent tolerance. When frequently drinking small doses in a certain area, one can manage to develop functional tolerance (see above) in that specific area. To simplify, with this tolerance, 2 drinks at the office equals 4 at the bar. (Figures are only for demonstration purposes).

Think Sober – Have you ever given a friend a drink with little or no alcohol and they’ve still shown symptoms of a drunk? This is because their mind is so set on getting drunk, that their brain will tell their bodies to not break down the alcohol and allow the body to feel drunk. In turn, if you think that you want to stay sober and try and be sober, your brain will tell your body to quickly and efficiently break down the alcohol and not have it intoxicate you as heavily.

In the end, it all comes down to self discipline. If you want to stomach your drink, you have to have control over yourself; Act cool, don’t go wild, don’t overdo it to impress, etc. etc. If you regularly exercise control as well as follow proper guidelines, you just might be the person with whom everyone wants to share a drink.

For more detailed info, check out: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/alerts/l/blnaa28.htm

http://www.rochester.edu/uhs/healthtopics/Alcohol/tolerance.html

http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/aa28.htm