"Once I was alone with five drunks,
Each of them was stinkier than skunks.
Simply for fun,
I pissed in the rum,
Then I watched the douche bags blow chunks"
Continuing in the tradition of people who piss me off, I wrote the following article. Every time I go to a party, there are different breeds of drunks. Each one finds his own way to piss me off and ruin the party for other. We all know who they are and it's about time their stupidity was brought out into the open like a closet-necrophiliac fifth-grader.
#1 The Tough Guy
Nothing says "I'm a huge douche" like another macho guy at the bar whose swaggering from side to side. Good for you, Siegfried, you grew yourself some beer balls. I just hope you drank enough to numb the pain when your ass gets knocked down to the pub floor. When alcohol gets into your blood stream, it interferes with your reaction time as well as with your sense of balance. You very much need both if you want to get somewhere other than the bathroom stall with your head in the toilet.
#2 The Daredevil
When there are enough people around, you can count on one drunken pube-snip to do something stupid that will either injure him or break something. Once all the eyes on him, Buttman will probably do something stupid and generic like jump into a bush or show you a knife trick. Congrats, Mr. Fantasdick, you look like a tool! If you want to be entertaining, tell a joke. When I want to see someone break a jungle gym while running into something nuts-first, I watch America's Funniest Home Videos reruns, where the wacky football-to-the-groin antics of lower-middle class Americans are accompanied by the hilarious commentaries of Bob Saget.
#3 The Dancing Queen
I know you're feeling loose and you're really getting into the music but when you hit the dance floor, you look like a complete jackwipe. The mess of uncoordinated seizures and flailing limbs makes me think I'm in a Kill Bill fight scene. You're not lighting up the dance floor, Travolta. You're embarassing yourself and your great aunt gertrude, who now has to get her pacemaker recalibrated when all she wanted to do was dance the macarena with her newly bar mitzvah-ed son, Saul.
#4 The Puker
Some people just haven't learnt about moderation and, at the site of booze, will open their throat hole like a Soviet hooker. These are the cockwads responsible for smelly alley ways and the occasional chunks that line the rim of the toilet at a house party. There's no kiddy table when alcohol is served. No one will tell you what you can and can't have. If you can't show a little self-discipline, maybe you should run along to Chuck E. Cheese's with a pocket full of quarters and leave the pints to the big boys.
#5 The Philosopher (aka Good Will Fronting)
Every now and then, when you're sitting at the bar with a few drinks, there will be one guy balbbing on about his views of society and religion. The worst part is that they think that, through his slurred and beer-soaked words, he thinks his words are a brief history of time. No words uttered after 5 Mooseheads will ever be of any value to anyone - ever. If you want to talk about how you like the AC Milan's new defence, that's fine. Anything else merits you a swift kick to the nuts.