Monday, January 28, 2008

OMFG! Lindsay Lohan Britney Spears!!!

Lately, I've noticed that a celebrity's popularity is directly proportional to how drugged up they are. Suddenly, it's become cool to be a public fuck up. Britney Spears is still the talk of the town for holding her child hostage in a bathtub. Lindsay Lohan is no longer pretty. She looks like a coked up granny that belongs at the Vegas slots. But for some reason, you'll still be searching for them on the news feeds to see what they're up to/how they're screwing up today. Don't think that these druggies aren't loving the attention they're getting.

Once upon a ti
me, a celebrity had to have talent to be famous and when they stopped making music/acting/modeling and just partied and hit up the drugs, they would become a has-been (ie: Vanilla Ice). Now, celebrities have it easy. They're famous for being famous and don't have to work for the attention. Odds are, you didn't come here looking for my bitching. Instead you were hoping to see some news about the downward spiral of Britney Spears or photos of a decrepit Lindsay Lohan. You make me sick. Stop making yourself feel better by prying into someone's fucked up life and glorifying them in the process. You're almost as pathetic as the ones who are actually getting this attention. Read real news, you desktop paparazzi. Word to your mother.

Screw up Vs Google Popularity graph...I'm so scientific

Thursday, January 17, 2008

7 Ways to Avoid Getting Sick this Winter

Winter is just around the corner and millions of people are more confused that a baby in a topless bar when it comes to how to avoid the terror we call "swine flu." When you don't take care of yourself properly, you're not only making yourself feel like shit, but you're also unpleasant to be around. Here are some easy ways to have you performing at your best through times when the environment tears people down.

Vitamin C

I'm not advocating vitamin C as a wonder drug that cures everything, but when it comes to colds and your immune system, having your proper dosage is irreplaceable. Winter is when some of the best citrus come in from Florida. A daily grapefruit, orange or few clementines as a snack will give you an adequate force field against germs.

Dress Warmly

Toughing the cold isn't macho, it's stupid. Even though you think you can tolerate the cold, you're just making your body a weaker, less efficient machine by lowering your immune system. This allows the airborne shit people cough up to get into your body and convert you into a zombie.


Purell, though some may see it as a Godsend, is not an appropriate long term solution. Have you ever thought about why they advertise that it kills 99.9% of germs? What happens to that last .1%? That last .1% is actually formed an immunity to your disinfectant. With repeated use of Purell, you better believe that this strain of superbug will multiply and the western world will have a much bigger epidemic; what to do against a germ that won't just be killed by a $2.99 bottle from the pharmacy. Do yourself and your kids a favor and build yourself a healthy immune system instead of trying to sterilize your world. You're only kicking yourself in the ass when you decide that 99.9% clean is favorable.

Get Adequate Sleep

Take advantage of the early nights by letting yourself fall asleep sooner. Not only are you mentally alert after a full night's sleep, but your body is also biologically alert to fight off your friends' disgusting airborne phlegm. When you and your kids go through the day tired and sluggish, you better believe that your immune system is feeling the same way. A good general would never send weary soldiers to the front line; in the same way, you shouldn't be putting your body up to the fight against illness when it's not fully charged. If you're having trouble sleeping, have a look at my article on how to sleep better at night.

Stay Hydrated

Being dehydrated not only makes you sluggish and drowsy, but it also does the exact same thing for your white blood cells that usually fight off bacteria. Your body needs water like your engine needs oil. Just like oil, water just helps all the processes of your body run smoother. Also just like oil, it's easy to forget when you're due for a refill. A good trick to avoid dehydration is leaving a bottle of water on your desk or with you at all times. You'll be surprised at how quickly you manage to down a bottle (and also how quickly you'll be running to the pisser).

Watch out for Public Phones

With the potential of having hundreds of people spitting on them daily, public phones have managed to be more filthy and germ-encrusted than public bathrooms. This doesn't mean you should set a restraining order, just try to avoid them when possible. When using one is necessary, be weary of all the germs that are lurking on the mouthpiece and try not to get too comfortable with the handset.

Elbow Sneeze

This may sound gross at first, but it's actually been found to be better to cover your nose with your elbow when sneezing instead of with your hands. This will not only prevent you from passing your nasal-dwelling fecal matter to others, but will also stop you from helping the bacteria find an easier way in through your ears, nose or mouth after your nose kicked it out.

You'll notice that nowhere did I mention getting a flu shot. I'm not a big believer in the flu shot and, unless you've researched the topic for yourself, you shouldn't be either. Pop quiz: what's in a flu shot? It's actually small doses of that very ailment. Some people fight it off easily and, as result, will have a body that is now immune to that sickness. Other people will just flat out get sick from the stuff and will therefore have paid some $10-$20 to sit at home with a pulsating head and oozing nose-goblins. Whatever you choose to do with your body, I'm still much better than you. Enjoy the winter, subordinates!

Disclaimer: This information is the result of extensive research and is in no way a medical opinion.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Ripped Jeans Aren't Cool. They're you

When I buy a product, unless I'm getting a killer deal, I like to buy it new. As I pass by all the usual yuppie shops, I notice that people are generally willing to pay more for pre-ripped jeans. How has our society come to this? How has dressing like a hobo become a status symbol? Just because God gave you an ass that was already cracked, doesn't mean the same logic should be applied to your fashion. I don't think you look cool if your jeans are all ripped up; I think you need a new pair of jeans because yours now look like shit. You wouldn't buy socks with fashionable holes. Nor would you buy underwear with designer shit stains. But jeans that look like you nabbed them out of a dumpster, hey, that's cool. I think that it's safe to say that the more rips in your jeans, the dumber you are and the more you deserve to be parted with your money. I guess that's the only thing I appreciate about those stupid ripped jeans; they stop idiots from doing more dangerous things with their money.

In my everlasting quest to be useful, here are some links that may help you look like a douche: