Sunday, November 16, 2008

Quantam of Solace - Scariest Villain Yet

Hello Pussy,
I felt it to be my duty as the proud owner of a pair of testicles to see the new James Bond flick as soon as I could. I can safely say that it was pretty decent. It wasn't the best Bond, but still good nonetheless.

James Bonds, in case you haven't noticed, have always synced up with the politics at the time. The first James Bonds set the Russians as the enemies, while the Cold War was prevalent. In "Die Another Day", the enemies are Korean. In "The World Is Not Enough", surprise surprise - bad guys are Middle Eastern terrorists. In this James Bond, the villain is Dominic Greene. He owns an "environmentally friendly" company. As if his last name and the eco-company isn't enough, the dude (Mathieu Amalric) looks a shit load like Al Gore. In case you haven't processed all that, the enemy for this James Bond is corrupt environmental movement. That, by the way, makes me happier than a pig in shit. 

There were however, a few things that disappointed me with this movie. Firstly, this is the first Bond I've seen where 007 is not briefed by R (formerly Q) and given the clutch gadgets that will end up being live savers for him later in the film. Secondly, JB doesn't snog the Bond girl at the end. It's just not a Bond if he doesn't contract some sort of STD.

A lot of people will tell you that the new Bond sucked. While that may be, I can't bring myself to say that about a Bond flick. While there were definitely better Bonds (except the Lazenby one), this one was still enjoyable.

(PS: If you didn't get that the opening line was a Bond reference, you have no place reading this post. In the off chance that you're a man, you must immediately forfeit your testicles to the Male Appendage Regulatory Board, Chicago, IL 60652)

Lates suckas

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

7 Reasons Why My Dog's Better Than Your Kids

1) Rubbing my dogs nose in a urine soaked carpet while shouting: "No, bad" won't get me arrested

2) When you leave your kid in a cage for 4 hours, he won't really be happy to see you at the end of the day.

3) My dog will never make me a crappy macaroni painting that I'll have to pretend to like and post on the fridge.

4) When your kid knocks up a chick, you can't sell the kids and make a profit.

5) My dog started shitting where I wanted him to within a week of bringing him home.

6) Putting a choker chain on a kid never seems to yield positive results.

7) My dog will never ask for Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad action figure until I'm forced to hit him

There you have it; 7 good reasons to put up your kid for adoption and get yourself a canine companion. Lates, sucka.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Shame On You Bob

In a previous post, I mentioned that Bob Saget's commentaries were hilarious. It was clearly to be absurd since no one actually likes the stupid commentaries. I had remembered that Bob Saget is still doing stand up so I decided to YouTube some of his routines. What I saw tore me apart. His routine had to be some of the stupidest, uninspired shit I've ever seen in my life. I don't mind when comedians are vulgar; it's like adding tobasco sauce to chili - it makes it better and my leathery man mouth enjoys the challenge. Bob Saget's routine, however, is like swallowing a spoonful of tobasco without chili - it's totally pointless and reserved for frat boys between beer bong hits. So if you're reading this Bob Saget, and I'm sure you are, I demand an apology e-mail for you sucking. Your 2 second cameo from Half-Baked cannot be stretched out into a whole stand up routine!

Thursday, November 6, 2008

7 Easy Ways to Improve your Face (for men)

Pluck Your Eyebrows
Let me tell you a love about two eyebrows that were made separately but desperately wanted to join up and form a single entity. Through thick and thin, they struggled to join and share their affection. The part that I didn’t tell you is that they’re two male eyebrows and, as such, their union should be prevented at all costs. That’s where you come and pluck the shit out of their bond. Getting all the little buggers out of the middle is the easy part. It’s shaping each brow that gets tricky. A bushy mess of a brow is just as bad as a uni-brow. Try to focus your energy on getting the stray hairs underneath the brow since it’ll improve the neatness without making your brow look too catered. Two tips on making the process easier to bear – take a warm shower first and pull in the direction of hair growth. The shower will open your pores and the follicle will come out much easier.
Chew gum
A facial feature that’s very desirable in men is a strong, chiseled jaw. A sharp jaw line gives the impression of strength and confidence, at least in your face. An easy way to add some nice shape to this area of the face is to work your jaw muscles. This can be accomplished by chewing gum – lots of it. The constant chewing is like a workout for your mouth. For those without patience or who want a little more of a challenge, try drinking water with the gum in your mouth then continue to chew. The gum should toughen up after having been exposed to the water and will give your jaw more of a workout.
Wash and Exfoliate Your Skin
This may sound like the most feminine of all the tasks but that’s a notion that has to be broken. Being manly doesn’t mean you walk around with a pimple on your forehead after clogging your pores when you wiped your forehead when you and your large mammal friends went out for all-you-can-eat ribs. First exfoliate with hot water. This will remove the crud that’s encrusted on your mug while opening your pores. After rinsing with warm water, use a cleanser to remove the microscopic dirt that’s clogging your pores. It’s important that you rinse the cleanser off with cool water to close up your pores otherwise you’ll dry out your skin. Avoid using oil astringents. They may work for a bit, but after a few days, your skin will start producing extra oil to compensate for it. The last thing you want it for your slightly shiny skin to suddenly turn into an Exxon Valdez.

Trim your facial hair
Whatever your facial hair status, ALWAYS keep it evenly trimmed. However you chose to style your facial hair, not shaving for a week will make you look a disgruntled hobo. If you have a facial hair design (ie: goatee, side burns), it needs to be re-defined and trimmed. If you have a full beard, it needs to be trimmed so it looks neat and uniform again.
Trim your nose/ear hair
Nothing will repulse your date more than a rebellious nose hair rising up against nasal oppression. An easy way to rid yourself of those pesky revolutionaries is to get yourself a nose/ear hair trimmer. It doesn’t need to be something expensive, just something that’s specialized for the job. Hacking away at your nose and ears with a pair of scissors will do more harm than good. You’re aiming to just trim the ends, not shave yourself bald. After all, those hairs are stopping dirt particles from getting inside your body. You can get yourself a good trimmer for under $5 at Deal Extreme. It’s my favorite spot for getting crap like this. Shipping is free with them and, if you try to get the trimmer from the store, you’ll get the same, made in China, product for $20.
Scrape Your Tongue
You probably haven’t thought of the fact that most of your bad breath is actually coming from decomposing particles on your tongue. Brushing your tongue could help but not 100% and a lot of people gag from it. Personally, as a manly man, my mouth wasn’t designed to deftly take in long hard objects whilst delaying the gag reflex. If you can, then all the power to you. You might have a career as a sword swallower….or a pillow biter. Getting back to the point, a tongue scraper is guaranteed to make your mouth feel 10x better. Don’t knock it till you try it. You can pick one up from your pharmacy, or you can get it for less than half the price on Deal extreme.
Moisten your lips
The winter months are just around the corner and with the cold weather comes extremely dry air. That dry air is exactly what’ll cause your lips to get crack and bleed like a leper. If you think applying lip balm is reserved for women, then your enjoy the chapped life and good luck getting anyone to kiss you when they worry that they might be getting a blood transfusion should they lock lips. Balming your lips falls in the same category as brushing your teeth. It’s just another step in making your mouth-area look presentable.
Disclaimer: This is the first article where I made gay jokes. Just to note, I have nothing against the gay community nor do I condemn gay marriage. The purpose of the jokes were to make my homophobic readers more comfortable with taking care of their skin in ways that is wrongly seen as overtly feminine. If you're still offended then too bad. I've wasted enough time writing this disclaimer for your pouty ass. Lates, sucka.