Friday, August 29, 2008

How To Win An Eating Contest

In their strange culture that is manhood, the man that can eat the most is considered the manliest. Why this is, I'll never know. Since my the point of my blog is to teach you how to be better than everyone else, here's how to win an eating contest.

Expand Your Walls

The day before the event, drink as much water as you can. Water will stretch out your stomach and quickly exit it. Just like pulling a balloon before you blow it up, this will make it less painful to eat so much food.

Satan's Cereal
For lunch, the day before your big eat, have a bowl of fiber cereal with prune juice. You can guess what you'll be doing that evening. This technique will help clean out your digestive tract and make sure that everything will function poperly on the big day.

Speed Eating

It's a bit obvious that you have to eat quickly in an eating contest but, in case the competition is about volume not speed, remember that slow and steady does not win the race. You have a 20 minute time frame from the time your stomach says you're full to the time you actually feel full. In that short span, you have to down as much as you can. After that, you're gonna really start hurting halfway through you meal, lard-o.


It's important to chew your food properly. No, I don't care about you choking. If you're stupid enough to engage in a primitive eating contest, odds are no one cares about you choking. Food that isn't chewed properly get swallowed with air. That air in you belly means you'll have added discomfort while your eating and may just be the difference between you becoming an fatso and a fatso-so.

Cardio Your Hunger

Some research shows that cardiovascular exercise increases one's appetite. That's right, Porky Pig. Ironically enough, to show your friends you can eat more, you're going to have to pop your jiggly butt onto a treadmill and get that hunger into high gear.

Obviously Genetics plays a lot into how much you can eat but these tips might just be that extra little boost you needed. In my opinion, competitive eating is among the stupidest things guys can do. If you win, you're ultimately a fat loser. If you lose, you're still a loser...only you're a less capable loser. Chew on that, sucka.