Thursday, October 2, 2008

Your Nose And You: a man's guide to boogers

So you've got a nose full green plasma. Some people call it disgusting but it's snot. (HAHA) Boogers come in many shapes and textures. Each one requires you to take the proper actions and precautions to ensure safe ejection. Improper action can lead to sticky, mucous covered hands or worse: a nose bleed. Be sure to read the following article very carefully before your next pick or it could be you last.


The Mossy Rock

This is pretty much your standard, run-of-the mill
boog. The out side is slightly goopy but the center is pretty solid and well built. There's no need to panic for this one. It's harmless. You have 2 options for dealing with this bad boy. The first option is using a Kleenex. Thanks to the slightly slimy exterior of the specimen, it will form a semi-seal in the nostril and will allow for a pressure buildup great enough to fling it into a Kleenex. Your second option is going in for a manual extraction using the index finger. The nougat-like center will allow you to nab that sucker without too much mess. Keep in mind that before you flick it, you'll have to roll it. (See Methods & Techniques below).

The Meteor

The meteor is the bastard son of the mossy rock. Unlike it's father the meteor does not have a soft, lubricated coating. This means that going in for the pick puts you at risk of pressing it's jagged surface against the wall of your nostril. This will produce a very painful sensation. If the meteor is big enough, it might just have enough air resistance to be shot into a Kleenex. If it's too small for this, a quick hot shower will transmogrify the rebellious ingrate into a more manageable species. For those brave souls, if the situation call for it, you can use good
ol' index to coax the evil menace out of your nose but proceed with extreme caution.

The Comet

The Comet is the athletic, studious and legitimate son of mossy rock. It still has pops solid core and semi-gushy exterior. Though it is slightly less lubricated than the mossy rock, it hides behind it a magnificent secret. Its tail is a soft
endoplasm that extends deep into the nasal cavity. This leads me to the best way to remove it. The fun and joy behind a comet is picking it out. You think you're just getting a regular mossy rock but suddenly you discover that your removing a full umbilical cord and you're suddenly able to breath 90% better. You can always use Kleenex, but why would you want to?

The Blob

99% of the audience already know what I'm talking about. Yes, the blob is morbidly obese, jobless uncle who we all hate. The blob is that oozy drippy unpleasantness that comes along and ruins your perfect date walking through the park on a beautiful fall afternoon. Nothing is less attractive than a man who is producing a sound out of his nose that many experts would claim is a dolphin fart. Picking is like sticking your finger into a package of ground beef and hence is futile. All your base are belong to blob. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. See how fucking annoying blowing your nose over and over gets!?!? There's no end in sight! The blob just keeps regenerating and haunting you. The worst part is that, should you take a stand and just don't blow anymore, you feel like it's full out dripping out of your nose even though it's really not. Damn you blob! You're deceiving and relentless!

The Clingon

Clingon is a vicious little demon. He's known for clinging onto nose hairs and refusing to let go. A clingon can be brought about by either a blob exposed to Canada's winters or by a meteor that has just so happened to form around a hair. The only way to remove a clingon is through a masochistic display of follicle extraction. Blowing into a Kleenex won't help. Clingons have been said to hold onto hairs in the presence of winds exceeding 130 mph. Blow all you want but that sucker's holding on tighter than a bulimic chick to her uvula.

The Paint Scraping

Some people love 'em, some hate 'em. Paint scrapings are the semi-solid
boogers that'll stick close to the wall of your nostril. Due to their ergonomic and aerodynamic design, trying to blow them out simply won't work. It's obvious that your going to need to go in there with a motion that's strangely reminiscent of getting the leftover cake batter off the walls of a bowl. Under no circumstances is this picking to be done in public. Scraping your nose paint is the most obvious and disgusting style of nose picking. The application of pressure to the walls result in you pushing your nose outwards and causes your upper lip to lift up slightly. Needless to say, you do not want to be caught in this position. Try and reserve this simple pleasure for the privacy of your own home.

The Constipation

Say goodbye to quiet breathing when you've got a constipated nose. You've got a blob so viscous that not even your full lung pressure can dis-lodge it. Trying will only make your ears pop. Your only option is to melt away the the dam with a nice steamy shower or bath.

Methods & Techniques

The Roll

Semi-moist goblins require a slight amount of rolling to get them into their most aerodynamic shape and also to reduce their sticky properties. Rolling is as easy as touching your index finger to your thumb and moving it in a clockwise pattern.

The Flick

After you're done rolling, you gotta get rid of the evidence. I mean where are you gonna put it? Your pocket? With the nasal C4 on your index, flick normally, as you would to an insect who's wronged you.

The Shnot-Rocket

Tilt your head back slightly, block one nostril with your index finger and blow out of your nose vigorously. The pressure should fling out the contents of your nose without dirtying your fingers. WARNING: Attempting this technique with the blob may result in a toxic
loogie oozing out your nose. Women immediately report to one another when they spot a guy whose got a toxic loogie. They have a universal online database of this but I haven't been able to crack the password...or find the site...or find anyone who would admit to it.

5-Fingered Tissue

In the absence of a tissue one, one may pinch his nose slightly and use his hand as if it was a tissue. When the deed is done, a quick snap of the wrist will rid the hand of it's congealed mess. Acceptable places to practice this are: in the shower or on a hiking trip. Unacceptable places to do this are at a pool or at the office. Know your limits.