Cell Phone Etiquette: What does your phone say about your social status?

What do you do with your cell phone when you're sitting at a table? What about at a meeting? Cell phones have quickly become the most opaque symbol of status. Every cell related gesture can tell you worlds about the person and the hierarchical position they perceive/wish themselves to be within the group. So what do cell phone behaviours tell you about your friends?
The one who leaves his cell phone on the table
This behaviour is common among midlevel businessmen and jappy women who want to appear more important than they actually are. Putting your phone down on the table in front of your peers is a way of demonstrating that your other engagements are much more important than your present one The aforementioned teenie bopper will be cell showing to let others see their popularity and how there are many other friends who may want to contact them.
The one who silenced subtlyThis is the behaviour of a true high status individual. He earns respect because he gives respect. Firstly, he lets you know that your conversation is important to him and he doesn't want to break its momentum. Secondly, he's sending the message that, even though there are others looking for him, he'll decide if he chooses to delay the conversation. Both traits are signs of a higher status individual. He's important enough that individuals will continually try to reach him.
The one who excuses their cell phoneThis falls into the category of subtle silencing. Even big shots have crises that they need to address. Excusing their phones shows that they're aware of offence that may be taken by their faux pas. As long as they manage the situation efficiently and return their phone discretely, the interruption wasn't simply a pathetic attempt at showboating.
The one who takes the callIf you’re in a casual social setting, taking a call, so long as it’s excused and brief, may be deemed acceptable. In a more formal setting, or if the call is not brief, the call is once again the phone holder simply asserting their dominance. When you look at the pack mentality of wild animals, the dominant one of the group is allowed leaving the pack whenever he pleases while the lower ranking members aren’t granted such liberties. This is essentially what’s being represented with the cell phone conversation. The phone holder is showing that they can choose when to break the conversation and devote their attention elsewhere. In my opinion this is a dominance gesture that doesn’t carry over to the civilized world. Whoever does it is just a flat out prick. Period.
The one who uses his cell needlesslyWhen once upon a time a man would show his resourcefulness by displaying the pocket knife skills he picked up in boy scouts. Being robbed of that opportunity to display their true skills, all that's left is to download all the pseudo-interesting apps they can find and try to wedge them into any situation they can. On a level of status and self worth, these are individuals who are looking to express their self worth. It's a behaviour common amongst adolescent/young adult males. They're at a point in their lives when their still hammering out their place in industry and what will be their contribution to the world.

How to Stay Awake in a Boring Lecture

Unfortunately, not everyone can keep you at the edge of your seat like I can. Some people in this world are boring as shit and, all too often, that person is your professor or lecturer. Staying awake and avoiding death by boredom is crucial in a situation like this. No one wants to be the asswipe who falls asleep in his seat and makes a fool of himself when he lets out a snore or awakes in a panic. That having been said, here's how you stay awake in a boring lecture:

Keep a Level Head

Always keep your chin parallel to the ground. Tilting your head too far back or too far forward will pinch your windpipe slightly and cause you to snore loudly when you’re not paying attention to your breathing. A level head ensures smooth, noise-free air flow, Proper breathing will also provide your brain with fresh oxygen, If you think the whole “oxygen to your brain” business is bullshit, then consider the fact that casinos regularly pump oxygen into their halls to keep patrons awake and gambling.

Play With Yourself in Public

Soldiers, in the case that they be held hostage in silence for a prolonged period of time, are taught to play mind games with themselves to avoid insanity. This sounds a bit too extreme a lesson for your lecture hall, but the lesson carries over. Keeping your mind occupied will keep you mentally alert and hold off total boredom. Try to see how far back you can remember what you had for dinner. Look up riddles or math problems and solve them in your head.

Break your Water

If possible, have a cool water bottle with you. You’d be surprised how much you’ll drink when you have nothing else to do. This will keep you busy when you have little else to do or think about. Where this stone hits the second bird is in the fact that you’ll also be preventing dehydration that would sap your energy. As if keeping yourself occupied and hydrated wasn’t enough, filling your belly with water will have you urging for a piss in no time. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been able to fall sleep on a full bladder.

Dalai Lama Masochism

Buddhist monks pray late into the night in total silence. Should a monk nod off in what should be an intense praying session, he’ll receive a quick smack from a whipping stick. How can you take this method to your lecture? Keep an elastic band around your wrist. Don’t worry; no one will think it’s a hair elastic, you wuss. If you stick to the tan colored ones that blend right in with your skin color no one will know. When you feel yourself becoming drowsy, pull the elastic band and let it snap on your wrist. Don’t crap your pants, it doesn’t hurt that much. While it may seem slightly sadistic, the sharp signals of pain will give your brain a stimulus to process and prevent it from shutting down.

Get Nippy

When your body is at a comfortable temperature, it relaxes a lot of it's systems. This relaxation is causing your mind to slow down on you and relax as well. To wake up your lazy-ass anatomy throw your mind a sobering curve ball. Cooling your body down will send it back into alert, warm-up mode. To achieve this, take off your sweatshirt, if wearing one. If you have a cold water bottle, you can use it to cool down your wrists. Why the wrists? It's an accessible area of the body with little insulation and decent blood flow.

There's no way to defeat the sandman. All these solutions are temporary, superficial fixes. If you find yourself using any of this advice to keep awake, you should be sleeping more at night. How about you stop looking up porn tonight and get to bed at a decent hour? Wondering about the random model pic? It's to get hits and keep it's keeping you awake. I'm all up in your mind, sucka. Stay cool and don't make a fool of yourself.

Clothes Make the Man: The Psychological Power of Suits

A friend of mine recently asked me if I thought activists would be taken more seriously if they wore a suit. Any douchy magazine can tell you "a suit symbolizes power and money and makes you look successful." That's the uninspired bullshit you can find in the back covers over comic books. This is how a suit really makes you the man.

The Blazer

The focal points of the blazer are the shoulders. The shoulder pads turn weak, round shoulders into broad, load bearing ones. Female politicians have already caught on to the idea. A firm set of shoulders portrays you as a stronger, more fit and generally more dependable person. The blazer also comes in on the waist to give a slim, fitted appearance that also makes your shoulders seem bigger by comparison.

The Tie

The tie is the colorful center of the suit. Its dimensions accomplish two things. First of all, it's a vertical line running down the length of your torso. Ever heard of wearing vertical stripes to make you look taller? This is essentially the same thing. A taller man is seen as a better leader. It's no coincidence that, of the past 27 US president, 21 were taller than the person they were running against.
The second function of the tie is to work in conjunction with the shoulder pads to make you appear broader. Ever walk around with a fat chick to make you look skinny? This works on the same principal. The eye is constantly comparing objects in its visual field to pick up cues of their sizes. The skinny tie in the middle of your chest works to makes you look even wider and more intimidating.

The Pants

Suit pants are, for the most part, pressed with a nice, neat pleat running down the length of the leg. This is just another example of vertical lines at work. The suit is actually quite good at creating straight vertical lines but why is it so crucial? It has to do with the way the human eye examines an object. The eye doesn't simply fixate itself at the center point of an object and, from there, scan it entirely. Instead, the eye fixates itself at various points of contrast on the object. The path the eye travels between points of fixation are called saccades. The pant pleats create a vertical line of contrast and ensures that the saccades are mostly vertical in their orientation.

The Shirt

The shirt, being the bottom-most layer, is the backup for all the other weapons in your arsenal. It is crisp, clean and bright so that it can accentuate the features of the blazer, tie and your face. The neck and collar, unlike any other shirt you wear, is made of straight lines. This is to contrast the angles of your chin and make it look more defined and masculine; a trait that is examined when you’re being judged on your attractiveness. More attractive people are generally assumed to be more confident, extroverted and better leaders. The solid color of the tie also serves to contrast the edges of the tie and blazer so that they can do their respective jobs.

The Watch

Some of you will be thinking that a watch isn’t part of a suit. Nothing could be further from the truth. The watch is a crucial accessory that not only allows you to display bling in a modest and classy fashion, but also send a strong message about who you are as a person. The watch sends the signal that you’re conscious of the time and you work on a schedule. It tell people that your life is organized because you manage yourself accordingly. It doesn’t matter if you have the time on your phone or iPod. You need to have a watch.

So, to finally answer my friend, absolutely yes. A well fitted suit makes you look bigger, taller, and more organized. So long as it is worn in the proper context, a suit is designed to enhance your masculine features and, in doing so, subconsciously demands respect and sets you apart from the shlubs who opt for the khakis and parka.

Top 10 Breakup Songs

So you've called it off with your sweetheart and you're generally down in the dumps. You just can't bring yourself to listen to the hip-hop or rap you used to. You're not feeling G or like dancing at a club. You just feel like boiled shit and you want your music to acknowledge how you're feeling. I've been there too, champ. It bones. Being the nice guy I am, the following is 10 songs you might enjoy listening to now.

I Hate You – Sick Puppies

There’s not much to explain about this song. It’s sometimes just a cathartic release to keep saying “I hate you.”

Quotable line: “I know you think you hate me but I will always hate you more.”

I Hate Everything About You – Three Day’s Grace

It’s weird suddenly hating someone you’ve loved for so long. It’s a mix of emotions that makes the next few days and weeks a roller coaster of emotions.

Quotable line: “All the feelings that I get, but I still don’t miss you yet”

Just – Radiohead

At a certain point, enough is enough. You have to get up, brush off the dust and get back into the game. After a while, she’s out of the equation and the only reason your down in the dumps is that you’re so full of self-pity that it cripples you. You do it to yourself.

Quotable line: “You do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts”

Song for the Dumped – Ben Folds Five

Here’s another song that doesn’t need explanation. It’s a little lighter and upbeat…but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a bitch.

Quotable line: “So you wanted to take a break, slow down and have some space…well fuck you too”

Tearing Away – Drowning Pool

At the end of the day, you’re the only one who matters. If someone can’t help you make money or feel good about yourself, they’re useless to you and don’t merit your attention.

Quotable line: “I don’t care about anyone else but me.”

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing – Jack Johnson

Sometimes the best guys get paired up with the shittiest types of girls. You try to make it work and you bend over backwards for her, but she can’t appreciate it and never changes or commits. There are better people for you to devote your time.

Quotable line: “I can’t always be waiting on you.”

Only – Nine Inch Nails

Infatuation causes us to see what we want to see and not what’s really there. You try so hard to convince yourself that your girl is great but eventually you come to grips that she’s actually a waste of tampons and all her positive features are just figments of your imagination. Sorry about the attached video. I’m not big on the fan-made videos but this is the only uncensored version I found on YouTube and, I’m sorry, but the line “There is no fucking you” was just too crucial. A silence just adds an annoying pause and implies an unfitting inhibition.

Quotable line: “…you were never really real. I just made you up to hurt myself”

The Pot – Tool

The title, in my opinion, has a double meaning. Firstly, it’s based around the expression “the pot calling the kettle black”, whereas “the pot” represents an annoying hypocrite. Secondly, with all the marijuana references in the song, “the pot” can also be the drug abuse that would explain a person running their mouth with contradicting hypocritical bullshit. After an argument, you think back to all the stupid shit she said and how her actions blatantly contradict them. Ignorant bitch.

Quotable line: “Foot in mouth and head up ass-hole. Whatcha talkin' 'bout?”

Friend is a Four Letter Word – Cake

“Four letter word” is an expression that means a swear word. Most swears tend to be four letters (shit, piss, fuck, cunt, dick, tits). Sometimes the offer to be friends is so much of an insult that “friend” might as well be a four-letter word.

Quotable line: “I'm really only praying that the words you'll soon be saying might betray the way you feel about me.

Whiskey Hangover – Godsmack

Sometimes that breakup just throws you into that self-destructive downward spiral. Fuck off, it happens to the best of us. You go ahead and grow that stubble, loosen the tie and have a gritty conversation with Mr. Jack D.

Quotable line: “so what if i never wanna be sober? So what if i wanna be numb all the time?

Honorable Mentions:

Save Yourself - Stabbing Westward
Saviour - Rise Against
Peices - Sum 41
Dry Your Eyes - The Streets

Goodnight, Goodnight - Hot Hot Heat (thanks sis!)

So there you have it - ten songs to help you with a breakup. For better or for worse, everything passes. I hope some of these tunes help you out. Be good.

Smiling: The second best thing you can do with your lips

One crucial piece of equipment necessary in getting your way is a simple smile. It seems a bit too naive, but a good smile gets you better service at restaurants, gets you noticed at parties, or even prevent a fight. When an animal shows its teeth in the wild, it either means it's prepared to fight (in the case of wolves) or it's afraid and submitting (apes). In the case of modern man, it's actually a mixture of both.In the battlefield that is our social playground, your smile is your trusty field knife. It's always handy for something if you can use it properly.

Dropping defence

When you first engage in a conversation with another human, it's important to greet with a smile. If you go from your default idle face to a smile, your subject suddenly feels a lot less intimidated by you and the likelyhood of a hostile interaction is greatly reduced. When people have their defences down, in this sense, they are more likely to take orders from you and are less likely to impede your progress. After your initial smile, don't hold the dumb grin on your face. Holding a smile  let's everyone around you know that you feel awkward and nervous and the smile loses its potency.

Greasing the Gears

“If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work”

-George Carlin

In situations where you might be asking an individual to go beyond his requirement of self-preservation, it's necessary to confuse them somewhat in order to increase the likelihood of them agreeing with your request. To do this, first look at your target in the eye. This initial look is intimidating and, to an extent, flusters the mind and prevents proper focus. The next step is to, without breaking eye contact, flash those pearly whites. This gives your confused subject a comforting feeling and a general good impression of what you're saying. Not only is your subject partially impaired from thinking about your statement in a fully rational and critical sense but, thanks  to your sparkly grin, he's also given a positive emotion about the conversation before he can fully understand it. When used properly, there's no limit to what the smile-gaze combo will get you.

Arming yourself the Teeth

Keeping your smile potent is extremely important if you want to yield maximum results. There are some basic guidelines to maintaining an effective and appealing smile.

Always have a chapstick on hand - You'd be surprised how often you use a chapstick when it's on hand. Cracky, bleeding lips won't charm a donkey

Use a good toothpaste - Toothpaste is something you definitely don't want to be penny pinching. The difference between a crappy toothpaste and a good quality one is a couple of bucks but the difference is astronomical. Look around for the shiniest, most futuristic looking package. That one with the little whitening strips in the paste is just tits. Leave an extra tube of toothpaste and toothbrush in the shower. If you're doing something that requires fresh smelling arm pits, it's guaranteed to also require fresh breath.

Floss Picks - Starchy foods tend to get stuck in your molars and between your teeth. In case you weren't aware, decomposing food has a nasty habit of smelling like shit. Having some of those floss/pick hybrids in the car will help you pick some of the smile-comprimising fecal matter out from between your teeth when you have a free moment.

Diffusing a Bomb

Should you find yourself in a hostile encounter, a smile can be the difference between a pleasant pat on the back or a boot up the arse. When a hostile situation is in the making, beguiling the sad fancy into smiles and pointing out the absurdities of the situation will, most likely stop a guy from needing to show off his manly skills and throw you a 1,2 knockout. I'll write about body language for avoiding the fight, but for now we're discussing the smile only. The most important part of this smile is actually your eyes. The difference between a face smile and a real smile is that, in a real smile, the muscles around you eyes (orbicularis oculi) contract. This is what squints your eyes. Why do you need to know this? Eye gaze is a very intimidating and palpable thing. Squinting your eyes to reduce this reduces the intimidation factor and decreases the odds of the first punch being thrown your way. In return, it also hides your eyes from signalling when and were you will be punching, should you decide to do so.

“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

-Greta Garbo

 

Sorry to Disappoint: Christmas is Pagan...lolz

It's Christmas day! Let's wake mom and dad up into a hangover and run our urine soaked PJs down the stairs to open our Playstations, Wiis and other battery operated sexual devices! What better time to write a Christmas article than Christmas day? Families are gathering together around the fireplace and following rituals which they know nothing about. I'm not trying to make enemies with this article, but the fact of the matter is, many of the Christmas traditions aren't accurate and most aren't even Christian. Ironic, huh? So with a jug full of jolly egg nog, lets jet through the fallacies of this yule tide spirit.

Jesus wasn't born in December
Despite the popular notion of Jesus being born in a manger in December, Jesus was more likely born sometime between April and October. "Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields,keeping watch over their flock by night" (Luke 2:8). The flocks weren't out in the field at night during the winter months; it was too cold. Nowhere does the New Testament hint towards Jesus being born in the winter.

Why December 25th?

The Christian religion never celebrates a popular figure's birth, only their death. So why the popularization of December 25th as the celebration as Christ's birth? It just so happens that, Saturnalia, a Roman celebration worshiping Saturn, occurs in December. The Church, trying to find a way to be accepted by the Pagans around them, decided to also create a celebration in the middle of the winter. The result of this assimilation is the Christmas we know today. According to Persian Pagans, December 25th marks the birth of Mithra, the sun god. His birth would bring light to the dark days of the winter solstice. It was only until the 4th century that the Christian Church announced that, despite what's clearly written in the bible, Jesus' birthday falls on the same day as Mithra's.

Yule log

The term "yule" comes from the Norse god of fertility "Jule." The heartwarming tradition of gathering around the fireplace is based on a Scandinavian Norse/Pagan winter solstice ritual. This involves burning a large tree trunk for 12 days (hence the 12 days of Christmas). The log is a phallic symbol. Over the course of the 12 days, people an animals are burnt as an offering to Saturn. That's one practice I follow, however; I sacrifice many virgins on my yule log - HIGH FIVE!

Christmas Tree

The Christmas tree, like the yule log, is a phallic/fertility symbol. Pagans saw trees as sacred and bringing them into the home brought their holiness into your household. Once chopped and brought into the house, the tree was worshipped as an idol. Now here's the kicker - a few lines from the old testament: "Thus said the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them: For the customs of the people are vain: for one cuts a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the ax: They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not....Be not afraid of them; for they cannot do evil, neither also is it in them to do good." (Jeremiah 10:2-5) how creepy is that? Even the Bible warns against the Christmas tree tradition.

Santa Claus

Santa Claus is a composition of several sources, mainly the following:

Odin - The pagan thunder god. He flew over the cities and decided who would live and who would die

St. Nicholas - The patron saint of sailors, prostitutes, children, merchants, the falsely accused, pawnbrokers and repentant thieves. He was said to have captured the devil and used the devil as his hired muscle. If the child was good, they'd receive presents, otherwise, they'd get whips. Ah, those were the good ol' days. No such thing as a spoiled brat getting his Xbox 360. If you were bad, you got flogging that scarred your ass back into shape.

The writings of Clement Clark Moore eventually made the image of Santa that we know today. The devil became the reindeer we know today and any religious connotations were erased.

The Puritans who came to the New World sought to rid themselves of Christmas as we know it. They wanted to create a society based purely on Christian traditions, free of Pagan influence. Instead, Christians chose to celebrate Christmas, holiday based almost purely on Pagan traditions and whose Christian roots are slim. I'm sorry to have taken away from your most holy of times...but it's really not your holy time. Nothing happened in December. I'm not refuting Christianity as a religion, simply pointing out a fallacy that's been perpetuated for about 1700 years now.

The part that pulls my pubes about all this is that children are blatantly lied to about Santa Claus. Eventually, all kids grow up and learn that Santa is a myth and their parents don't even know where he came from. All mommy and daddy know is that their parents lied to them in just the same way. So has it been for generations. Now who's the real Grinch?

So when it all boils down, there's absolutely no reason to flood my radio with crappy gospel music, no reason to bring candy cane flavored coffee to my cafe, no reason to interrupt my morning cartoon rituals with play doh Christmas animations and no reason to contribute to deforestation just so you can bring a large mock penis into your living room. If you're so eager to have a sex symbol in your house, I'm free weekends after 3.

How To Be The Omega Male

I've already discussed how one would go about being the alpha male in a social situation. However, sometimes the goal isn't to be known by everyone, but rather to slip through unnoticed. Whether you want to avoid getting noticed by your ex at a party or you're spying the king of Jordan, you're going to want to learn how to be the omega male.

Avoid Eye Contact

The human brain is designed to pay the most attention to a set of eyes. Have you ever noticed that some people always see a face in a smoky picture and claim it's a ghost. That's because, as a survival instinct, humans are conditioned to find a face. By hiding your eyes, you're hiding the most defining feature of your face and are therefore less likely to have a gaze shot your way.

Arm Fortress

Keep your arms low and folded in front of you. Humans will instinctively direct their attention towards another creature with its limbs in the air as it could be a potential threat. Keeping your arms crossed makes you smaller in the eyes of all those around as well as their subconscious minds. Should you ever need to stretch your arms, remember to stretch them down. Spreading your arms to the side or upwards, will merit you unneeded gazes. Just like in the animal world, appearing bigger and more spread out is designed to get you attention be everyone around.

(Never) Dress to Impress

Before attending the event, think long and hard about the dress code and what the guests will be wearing. If you're wearing a necktie in a room full of bow ties, you can be damn sure that, as eyes glaze across the room, they'll stop on you. If you want yo be unnoticed and forgotten, it's imperative that you can be easily mistaken for anyone else in the room.

Inconspicuous seating

When sitting around a long table, sit closer to one of the ends as opposed to the middle. Never sit at either head of the table. The middle is where the action is and people at either end of the table tend to look inwards towards the center as opposed to outward. However, should you find yourself in a situation where you're sitting around a smaller table, it's best to sit in the middle since the heads of the table are receiving the most attention.

Lay off the Booze

Holding a glass of wine can help you blend in and might take the edge off, but down it too quickly and you'll catch some uninvited gazes. One thing about society today is that we feed off drama. No other creature will sit in front of a box for hours watching a member of its own species embarrass on shows like "Cops" and "America's Funniest Home Videos." With all that in mind, alcohol has thrown many great men off their game. One slight misstep after your 3rd tequila shot will have you flagged by anyone who witnesses it. For the rest of the night they'll observe your actions for any sign of increased intoxication. Being under such close supervision is no way to have your face forgotten the next day. Try to nurse that bourbon on the rocks, chief.

Dodge the Spotlight

It’s inevitable that you get in a conversation or two at a party. If you’re not interacting with people, you’ll get noticed as a creepy background guy who is purposely avoiding everyone. So your goal is to converse, but say very little. To accomplish this, when in a conversation, keep the attention on the person you’re speaking to. People, more than anything, love themselves. People will gladly talk about their lives and boast about that which they should be ashamed. If you keep asking questions and fake interest in your talking partner, they’ll end up liking you but then realize that they know nothing about you. Also, you don’t want to risk saying anything that might attract the attention of an eavesdropper and cause a group conversation.

Never assume that being an omega male is bad. It's simply another form of adaptation. Unlike the alpha or beta male, the omega spends his time observing his surroundings and gathering information from others. Just because a man is in the omega position and gets no attention doesn't mean he's inferior or any less dangerous. When you enter a party as omega, the golden rule is to check your ego at the door. An omega stays in the shadows and comes out only when it is absolutely necessary. Be safe.

10 Things People Do On Facebook That Piss Me Off

Just like millions of other people, I've joined Facebook. I'll admit that I enjoy keeping in touch with friends whom I'd otherwise lose touch. As much as I enjoy it, there's still a bunch of stupid shit people do on Facebook that always manages to get under my skin and take a dump on my brain. Here's a bunch of shit that people do on Facebook that merits them a merciless bludgeoning.

#1 Phallic Symbols
Nothing says "I have a small penis and low self-esteem" like someone who decides to post a picture of himself with any kind of firearm. Don't assume that posting a picture of you with an M-16 without a caption makes you casual about the whole idea. You still might as well be a 9-year-old running to his schoolyard chums yelling "Guys, guys! I got to hold I gun! I feel so cool now." Unless you used that gun for anything other than a 1 time target practice on your Uncle Buck's incestuous ranch, posting that picture makes you a poser. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go to your room.

#2 Phake Photoshop
Congratulations, you've installed a program that takes up approximately 600 Mb of hard drive space just so you can play with a few color filters. Do you think upping the contrast and applying a Gaussian blur to a picture of you and your friends makes you a graphic designer? It doesn't. It just makes you look like a pretentious douche. If your total history is under 15 actions, you've done dick all to your picture. You're only bastardizing Photoshop by using it solely to neon glow and emboss your pictures....ass.

#3 Irrelevant Status
The "status" feature on Facebook was created to let your friends know what you're doing or where you are. For example, you could be "busy studying" or "finally on vacation". This feature wasn't designed so you can showcase your favorite downloaded, generic emo quote of the day. If I wanted to see your favorite quote, I would take the time to scroll down to "favorite quotes." Do you make a habit out of placing shit where it doesn't belong? If I invite you over, will you take a crap on my lamp?

#4 Philosophy minute
When Facebook asks you your religion, it's to give you the possibility to network with people of the same belief. No one asked you to write a pseudo-witty phrase regarding your atheist (or other) views on religion. Simply writing that you're an atheist is acceptable. You won't see religious people writing "I'm Jewish, and you're a fucking tool if you're not." Pasting a Nietzsche or Pritchard quote to exemplify your world views doesn't make you an intellectual; it just makes you a pompous dickhead.

#5 Facebook Pimps
When your marital status is "in a relationship" people can assume by themselves that you and your partner kiss occasionally. Posting pictures of your pre-pubescent make out sessions isn't something your online peers enjoy. Yes, occasionally your girl friends will post a comment like "aw, cutest couple ever" but the other 99% of the Facebook population is either trying not to yak on their keyboards or are pissing their pants at the thought of how sexually insecure you are. You two aren't "cute" or "adorable." You're pathetic. Social networks and softcore porn should never be confused.

#6 Group Petitions
Every now and then I get an invite to group that needs X amount of people to accomplish a task. "If 550 people join, Jimmy will buy a bottle of Skyy on Saturday" "100 people to get Britney Henderson on Facebook." If Britney doesn't have time to waste on Facebook, that's her prerogative. Leave Britney alone! She's a human! Of all the causes in this world to which you could donate your time, getting someone to accomplish an ultimately useless task isn't the most crucial. Not only did you waste your own time by creating the group, but you've also wasted my time when I have to click "Reject Invitation."...you bastard.

#7 Forced compliments
Occasionally, some totally ugly chick will post some photos of herself dressed up for a special event. Immediately, her girlfriends will begin to swarm the photo with their generous yet generic compliments: "OMG, Stacey. Ur gorg!","So hot! Luv ya." We all know you really mean: "Wow, you're a lot less fugly in this pic than you usually are." You're not fooling anyone. Just because someone has their hair and makeup done, doesn't mean they're Tara Reid. Sometimes I feel like I've stumbled on some ancient girl pact to always compliment each other's beauty despite...each other's beauty. You'll never catch any guys rushing to post fake praise on each other's prom pictures. Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. You people make me sick.

#8 Clubbing Shots
No, I'm not talking about the, ordinarily funny, seal clubbing pictures. I'm talking about people who feel the urge to take a picture of themselves on a crowded dance floor drinking from a $20 bottle of vodka that cost them $110. What's running through your mind when you're taking this picture? "I'm gonna put this picture up on Facebook and everyone will know that I tear it up on weekends." Unfortunately, you just look like a putz who has to prove himself to people who will only have a 1.5 second glance at each picture. Congratulations, baller, you're officially a turd sandwich.

#9 Applications
Thanks to Facebook making their source code publicly available, millions of people can now piss the shit out of one another with a barrage of useless applications. In a network that was once devoted purely to online communication between classmates, people can now waste hours filling out surveys and having a JavaScript application telling them what kind of person they are. The worst part is that all this stupid shit gets flaunted on the profile page, which then turns into a MySpace page. "Look! My Sex in the City IQ is 138!" Good for you. Now end your life.

#10 Useless Arguments
Once upon a time, when people had an important political message they'd want to convey to the public, they'd take to the streets with a passion. Now any shitbreak with 15 minutes will just create a political group with a few government-bashing pictures and consider himself a revolutionary. The worst part of all this is that it leads to heated arguments. What the fuck are you wasting so much time arguing for? Firstly, you won't end up convincing the other side. Secondly, you won't gather an audience since no one cares enough to read through your heat-of-the-moment typos and nonsense. Thirdly, in a matter of days it'll be a part of an archive and no one will ever see your 45 minutes of writing ever again. No one will refer back to your arguments or quote you. You might has well have sat on your ass and watched midget porn. At least that makes for an interesting story.

That last image might not be to everyone's taste, but such is life. I know it'll get some guilty chuckles. That's a wrap for this list. Wow, that took a while to write. I know everyone reading this has committed at least one of the aforementioned sins. Your god(s) hate(s) you for it and so do I.

How to Survive Torture

We all pray that no harm will ever come to us but sadly, that's not always the case. Since I'm the man who takes you under his wing, I'll teach you how to survive the unthinkable. One day, when you're a covert spy being tortured, you'll think back and thank me for this. Without further adieu, here's how you'll withstand torture.

Plan your escape

If you're fortunate enough to be unmasked when you're brought to your cell, you can already begin to plot your escape. It's important to realize that, even if you co-operate, your captors aren't likely to let you go with a fruit basket and a "thank you" card. Try to remember any codes or hallways you spot. Try to find flaws or patterns in the building. These may just save your life when you're making your daring escape.

Wimp out

When you're being tortured, remember that you're lower than a piece of shit. You should be fearful and submissive at any moment. Though acting like a tough smartass may work for James Bond, it'll piss off your guards and label you as useless or uncooperative. That'll get you killed or tortured harder. Instead of being a rock, be more like a gelatine. Gelatine will mold, squish and give in to any sort of force but it will never let go of its moisture. In the same way, you should show pain (even exaggerate it) but you'll never let go of your information.

Transcend the physical

If you're not a man of religion, then it's time to find God. Many have reported that meditation can help you overcome extreme stress and pain. Buddhist monks have managed amazing physical feats like surviving Himalayan winters or burning to death without moving an inch simply through the power of meditation. Try to take yourself to a better place and, as impossible as it may sound, leave your pain behind.

Pass out

I know you pass out real quick after 4 beers at every frat party you've ever been to, but this is very different. Passing out in this situation can buy you some mercy from your captors if they believe that you are passing out from pain. Their motivation isn't to knock you out with pain, but rather apply as much pain as you can consciously tolerate. There are two ways to manually pass yourself out. The first way is to hyperventilate yourself. Instead of taking regular, shallow breaths, start taking heavy, lung-filling breaths in and out. This disruption will actually mess up with the oxygen getting to your brain. You should go into a trance-like, painfree state just before you pass out. The second way of passing out is by crounching down and taking a few deep breaths. After 5 minutes of heavy breathing, exhale everything in your lungs and stand up quickly. The lack of blood and oxygen in your brain should knock you right out.

Stay Positive

The final, and most important, piece of advice is to never give up. When you give up hope psychologically, your body physically gives into the stress and begins to weaken and shut itself down. You must always remain calm and confident. Freaking, panicking and acting irrational is also negative. It puts additional stress on your body and mind and will only result in an increased probability of you dying.

That, in brief is how one would survive a torture situation. Once again, you should pray that you never have to draw upon any of these skills, but it's always good to be prepared. Try to stay safe and, no matter what, always be strong. Peace out, SuperSpy.

How to Catch a Bluff

I play poker every now and then and I'll be the first to admit that I know very little about the game. I just barely know the rules and when it comes to calculating odds, I'm pretty much braindead. How is it that I manage to win all the time and you're losing all your money? Because I never play my own hand, I play everyone else's. Here's a quick way how you can be just like me and milk the bluffers and avoid the big hands. Eventually you'll know how to win at poker (this line, in case you didn't notice, is to hook google searchers).

Eye contact - A bluffer will make very little eye contact since, subconsciously, they feel bad about lying about their hands. When they're hesitant to look people in the eye and sometimes look at objects, that's you're first cue to start raising.

Hand position - When your opponent puts his hands together in front of him, it could be another indication that he's lying. His hands are subconsciously a protection for him since he's afraid that he might be caught.

Check frequency - Someone with pocket aces will only need to look at their hand once. You have to be pretty stupid to forget that you're holding pocket aces. People with shit hands will constantly look back to see if there's any possibility that they might have overseen a possibility. If your opponent looks at his hand 3 or more times, it's safe to say that his confidence is wavering.

Beer behaviour - When sitting around a table in your parents basement playing cards (like you usually do, the ultimate tell can be the beer. After your opponent checks his hand, watch closely what he does with his beer. If he immediately takes a sip and puts it down without hesitation, he's feeling pretty good about himself and you should back off. If, however, you notice that he holds his beer and doesn't drink from it right away or drinks and then fiddles with the label, it's apparent that he's worried about the hand he just saw. If you want to get him to fold out, now would be a good time to scare him off with a high bid.

Calculators - Some people are able to really work out the odds of the deck and can calculate their chances of winning. You should never mistake this for insecurity. Too many people will mistake the calculation for insecurity when, in reality, human calculator are more even more confident after their calculation pause. How can you tell if the hesitation isn't calculation? Once again, it depends on his check frequency. If he checks his cards often, he's not calculating, he's looking for any possible opening for his crappy hand.

If you don't have any friends, you can always play poker online at Full Tilt Poker. Their special offer now is their Full Tilt Poker referral code. I'm assuming this Full Tilt Bonus will let you spend even more money on poker. No matter what PokerStars Bonus Code you use, it doesn't compare to taking your friends money and using it to buy cookie dough ice cream and 2,000 chicken nuggets. It's important to remember that no method is concrete and will work all the time. The method you should be dying to find is one that works MOST of the time. As long as it works more often that it doesn't, you're turning a profit. I know I'll gamble responsibly, and I hope you will too...unless you play against me. In that case, have a bus pass on you because I'll be driving your car home, sucka. Lates

How To Be The Nice Guy And Still Get The Girl

It happens all too often and it’s a sad sight to see; a guy thinks he’ll charm a girl by being the rebellious bad boy. Unfortunately, not all girls want to be with Charlie Sheen’s character in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. If this is the case with the girl you’re seeing, you might have to change your tactics because, in this day and age, nice guys don’t always finish last. Here are some ways to be the perfect nice guy and get the girl.

Steal the snake’s venom

Sometimes girls will tell you that they love the bad boy attitude and it’s hard to understand why. He’s dishonest, insincere and rude. All the traits you wouldn’t want to see in a mate. However, he does possess one trait that overpowers all the others: confidence. No matter what you’ll see the bad boy do, he’ll do it with confidence. So even though a woman might be dragged through the mud by her boyfriend, she still knows that he’s a strong, confident man. If you can be a nice guy and still show her you’re confident and strong, then you’re money.

Dangerously Good

You should never confuse being nice with being boring. It’s all too often that nice guys fall into the trap of being boring with all their orthodox compliments and actions. One reason why girls get turned off of the “nice guy” is because he lacks excitement and unpredictability. Try taking her places she’s never been to or do things she’s never done. When the excitement puts her on her toes, she looks to you for guidance and the fact that you’re playing the nice guy makes you look ten times greater.

Don’t let your job define you

One pitfall into which the “nice guy” sometimes falls is talking too much about his job. Unless you’re a professional rock climber or a daredevil, your job is boring. You can’t mask it. It doesn’t usually make for great conversation because, even though you may be passionate about it, she’s not. The “bad boy” will usually talk about exciting events that will grab the date’s attention as opposed to a ritual he does all day every day. Instead of yapping on about your occupation, try talking about life experiences and, if you’re lucky and don’t act boastfully, she’ll be impressed and possibly relate to them.

Over Polite

Chivalry is an art that will never die; however, it can very easily be overdone. When guys get nervous and insecure about a girl’s feelings, they often try to be over polite to compensate. It’s obvious how this can backfire. There’s nothing wrong with opening a door for your date but when you start to stand when she leaves the table and holding her chair while she sits down is a bit excessive and will not only make her feel awkward but also make you seem creepy. Keep the gestures moderate and within current society’s norms and you’ll do just fine.

Save Your Smiles

Even though you may be excited and you’re smiling because you’re nervous, smiling too much makes you seem weak and no woman worth having is drawn to weakness. Everywhere in nature, a smile is sign of fear and submission. From monkeys to wolves, animals use the smile to lower themselves in front of dominant figures. Your smile can be your white flag or your ultimate weapon. Holding your smile for when it counts not only makes you seem more confident, but also makes you appear more sincere in your toothy grin.

Blinded by the light

One of the best trademark techniques of the nice guy is listening. Unlike the “bad boy”, the nice guy will take an interest (or at least pretend to take an interest) in what his date has to talk about. If there’s one subject people love, it’s themselves. When you’re with your date, try keeping the spotlight on her. She’ll love the conversation and, to her mystery, she’ll like you even though she knows little about you. You just seemed so bright the whole night by shining the spotlight on her.

In summary, the ideal “good guy” will take the better points from the “bad boy” and rid himself of all the stereotypes associated with being the nice guy who finishes last. If you manage to find your perfect mix of danger and charm, you’ll not only give your date a great time, but also leave her with a craving for more. Until next time; be good and be cool.

How to Speed Date...Successfully

It’s become more and more obvious that technology is speeding up the pace at which business is done. The result is a population that is obsessed with speed and efficiency. Unfortunately, some individuals carry the same logic over to their dating life. The first steps of dating are stressful and intimidating. That’s why some people are attracted to speed dating. The motivation to go to a sped dating event is to get the process over with as quickly as possible and keeping the awkward moments to a minimum. Don’t be fooled into thinking that speed dating is like a bunch of mini dates. The strategies are quite different. Imagine regular dating a reading various articles in a newspaper. Speed dating is like reading a news paper by its headlines. If the headlines are appealing and clever enough, the reader is enticed to continue reading the newspaper. In the same way, you have to appeal to your date in little time using very few words. On the plus side, maybe this will be better for you because your date won't have much time to realize what a shmuck you are. Here are some ways to ensure you get that second date you’re after.

Save Your Best Smile

I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s even more important in this context. Your date knows that you’re seeing a lot of other women that night. If you’re too much of a smile whore then your toothy grin looses all its impact. Instead, hold your smile for the best moments like after she says something entertaining. When she feels that you’re genuinely enjoying yourself, she’ll feel as if she’s something special and that’s what will get you the next date.

Chin Up

While you may only get the chance to express five minutes worth of words, your body language could be screaming “I’m an insecure, douche of a man”. In the short time you have during your audition, it’s crucial that you appear calm and confident since the goal is to pique her curiosity and have her drawn to you even if she doesn’t understand why. Firstly, it’s important to sit up straight. Save your gangsta lean for the Impala. Keeping a straight back shows your full height. In their unconscious primitive minds, women are looking for the best and strongest specimen with whom to mate. Taller individuals are usually seen as being stronger and better leaders. While straightening your posture, you should also be looking. This may seem obvious, but you'd be amazed at how many Neanderthals will slouch in front of their date and fuck the whole thing up for themselves.

Save Your Best Smile

I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s even more important in this context. Your date knows that you’re seeing a lot of other women that night. If you’re too much of a smile whore then your toothy grin looses all its impact. Instead, hold your smile for the best moments like after she says something entertaining. When she feels that you’re genuinely enjoying yourself, she’ll feel as if she’s something special and that’s what will get you the next date.

Stay Fresh

In a speed dating situation, odds are that your date’s been asked her occupation and hobbies a thousand times over. She’ll remember you a lot more if you don’t talk about generic topics. Try asking about her favorite childhood cartoon, ideal vacation, etc. Stay away from topics that will make you seem too random or weird. You want to appear original, not as if you live in your parents’ basement and have a booger collection...even though you probably do.

Aim The Spotlight

Although it sometimes may be easier to keep conversation going by talking about yourself, it makes for sucky dialogue. People love themselves more than anyone in the world. Talking about themselves is an incredibly enjoyable activity. If you think about it, the only reason you’re reading this is because it’s about you and not what I did yesterday. This is the exact passion that you should be exploiting. Keep the spotlight on her while you show/fake interest will create a conversation she’ll enjoy. It’s important that the conversation be about something of which she’s passionate and can go on about. Although it’s challenging to find that perfect topic, it pays off in the end.

Appearance is Everything

In the 5 minutes you’ll have with your date, they’ll take a snapshot of how you look and smell. When the brain remembers a face, it creates a caricature image. All the features and defects are exaggerated. This means it’s crucial to look your absolute best because Cindy-Lou won’t easily forget your cowlick or bad breath. Check my section on fixing yourself up to make sure you don’t go out looking like the bum you are.

Even if you follow all these guidelines, there’s no guarantee that you’ll succeed. You should be smart enough to know that. If you’re not, then go away. You don’t deserve to be reading such fine writing. You have to realize that, although the guidelines are crucial, you have to add in your own style and comfort to your dating techniques. Once you become accustomed to the basics of speed dating, you’ll be able to work the situation to your favor. It’s also important not to loose confidence. It’s speed dating; if you screw up, you can try again in 5 minutes. It’s like dating a goldfish. Maybe you won't spend Valentine's day alone again. Be cool and have fun.

Being the Alpha Male

If you’ve ever really analyzed your interactions with you guy friends, you’ll notice that, quite often, there’s a power struggle. There’s always a competition who can be the alpha male. Some guys are better at hiding their fight to the top than others, but the fight to the top is always there. This struggle can take the form of a drinking competition, videogames, sports, table seating, etc. Being the alpha of the group means that others will be motivated by you and constantly seek your approval. When it comes to making plans, others will want to go where you’re going and will put confidence in your decision making. If this sounds like something you’d like, this just may be the article for you.

There’s a very fine line between being the dominant member of the group and making a total jackass of yourself. The same principles of the wolf pack apply but, since we’re dealing with humans, we have to tone everything down and reduce every action to the subconscious. 

Head seat 

When possible, take the head seat of the table. The fact that you can see everyone else while have to turn their head to others in order to see you is a subtle sign that you are the main attraction and feature of the table. When in another’s house, always remember to allow the host to have the head. In this situation, sit either on the right of the host or at the seat opposite to the head. These are the spots that will most likely put you in the direct attention of the pack. When you’re at a restaurant and sitting at a large table, take the middle seat. The end seats are usually left out of the big conversations while the middle seats get the most face time and are where both ends look. 

Drinking

Unfortunately, when a bunch of guys get together for some hearty drinking at a bar, they revert to a Neanderthal state. Your ability to drink and keep your cool is how you are gauged as a man. In a situation like this, remember to have your chasers and not be drinking on an empty stomach. To further your sobriety training, check out my previous post about “Building A Tolerance.” If you don’t feel yourself able to drink more than your chums, don’t try. You’ll only make yourself look stupid. Instead, focus on staying charismatic. Let your friends become drunken idiots as you egg them on to drink more while you nurse your beer.

Body Language

Most of what you’re saying to your friends isn’t coming out of your mouth. Your body language is letting out more information about your feelings than you’ll ever discuss. Here are some crucial points to remember:

-Never slouch You want to show your full height. In our primitive history, the leader of the pack was the strongest, biggest and, therefore, tallest. People have a natural respect and generally expect better leadership from a taller individual.

-Keep your hands away from your mouth This shows others that you’re trying to hide yourself and aren’t truly confident. Your hands should either be at your sides, resting on your hips or simply in the crossed arm position.

-Avoid holding objects in front of you Any object held in front of you is seen as a barrier behind which you're hiding. A truely fearless alpha doesn't need to create symbolic shields. 

-Keep at least 1 hand free When you're in a situation where you're leading a conversation yet you still welcome the input of others, the best possible position is one hand in the pocket with the thumb sticking out. The fact that you chose to withdraw a hand from visibility implies that you welcome another hand in the game. The reason for showing your thumb is so, firstly, you don't look like you're nervously fidgeting with something. Secondly, a hand too far into a pocket means that you're hiding something.

Wrestling

When guys get rowdy, we tend to get pretty clear about our masculinity and we have little wrestling match to try and pin one another. Avoid any temptation to wrestle any of your friends when rough housing. Pinning someone won’t make you dominant; you’ll just be creating yourself a passive-aggressive enemy within the group that will annoy you later. Even the dominant male in the wolf pack has an enforcer to do his thug work. When you’re dealing with a group of friends, you want them to respect you, not fear you. Leading by fear means people just won’t want you around. Leading by respect means people feel that they need you around. 

Gaze

When talking to someone, never be afraid to look at them in the eye. This shows that you’re superior to them since you aren’t scared of eye contact with. This also shows that you can focus on your speech while also taking in their gaze. When listening to someone, try to avoid direct gaze. This will give off the impression that you’re incorporating other ideas into what’s being said and you’re not so focused on how the speaker feels. Try not to stray your gaze too far. This will make you seem like a cocky douche and, from my experience; people generally don’t like cocky douches.

Motivation

Whenever you hear someone talk about themselves, that isn’t your opportunity to rush in and relate the conversation to you and how much better you are in the field of whatever’s being spoken. Let’s say, for example, your buddy just took up martial arts and you’ve been practicing it for 5 years now. When he tells you “Hey, I’ve been taking karate classes this past month” that’s not your cue to shove your gloated ass into the conversation by telling him about your background. Instead, ask him how he likes it. Ask him which techniques he’s learned and encourage him to continue. The dominant male isn’t always the center of attention. People will listen to you much more when you’re a character that makes them feel good about themselves. Afterwards, IF he asks if you’ve had any experience in the field, then you have my permission to tell him about your history. Letting him discover it on his own will make it 10x more impressive. Guaranteed. 

In all this, it’s extremely important to remember that these techniques are meant to be directed towards the subconscious. All the guidelines are meant to be acted out in a very subtle and indirect fashion. Exaggerating any of these aspects will make you incredibly annoying and a bigger pompous asshole than anyone could ever imagine. If, however, you manage to play this unspoken power struggle just right; people, though they may not understand why, will see you as the alpha male, look to you for guidance, social cues and mimic your behaviours. Mission accomplished.