Thursday, November 6, 2008

7 Easy Ways to Improve your Face (for men)

Pluck Your Eyebrows
Let me tell you a love about two eyebrows that were made separately but desperately wanted to join up and form a single entity. Through thick and thin, they struggled to join and share their affection. The part that I didn’t tell you is that they’re two male eyebrows and, as such, their union should be prevented at all costs. That’s where you come and pluck the shit out of their bond. Getting all the little buggers out of the middle is the easy part. It’s shaping each brow that gets tricky. A bushy mess of a brow is just as bad as a uni-brow. Try to focus your energy on getting the stray hairs underneath the brow since it’ll improve the neatness without making your brow look too catered. Two tips on making the process easier to bear – take a warm shower first and pull in the direction of hair growth. The shower will open your pores and the follicle will come out much easier.
Chew gum
A facial feature that’s very desirable in men is a strong, chiseled jaw. A sharp jaw line gives the impression of strength and confidence, at least in your face. An easy way to add some nice shape to this area of the face is to work your jaw muscles. This can be accomplished by chewing gum – lots of it. The constant chewing is like a workout for your mouth. For those without patience or who want a little more of a challenge, try drinking water with the gum in your mouth then continue to chew. The gum should toughen up after having been exposed to the water and will give your jaw more of a workout.
Wash and Exfoliate Your Skin
This may sound like the most feminine of all the tasks but that’s a notion that has to be broken. Being manly doesn’t mean you walk around with a pimple on your forehead after clogging your pores when you wiped your forehead when you and your large mammal friends went out for all-you-can-eat ribs. First exfoliate with hot water. This will remove the crud that’s encrusted on your mug while opening your pores. After rinsing with warm water, use a cleanser to remove the microscopic dirt that’s clogging your pores. It’s important that you rinse the cleanser off with cool water to close up your pores otherwise you’ll dry out your skin. Avoid using oil astringents. They may work for a bit, but after a few days, your skin will start producing extra oil to compensate for it. The last thing you want it for your slightly shiny skin to suddenly turn into an Exxon Valdez.

Trim your facial hair
Whatever your facial hair status, ALWAYS keep it evenly trimmed. However you chose to style your facial hair, not shaving for a week will make you look a disgruntled hobo. If you have a facial hair design (ie: goatee, side burns), it needs to be re-defined and trimmed. If you have a full beard, it needs to be trimmed so it looks neat and uniform again.
Trim your nose/ear hair
Nothing will repulse your date more than a rebellious nose hair rising up against nasal oppression. An easy way to rid yourself of those pesky revolutionaries is to get yourself a nose/ear hair trimmer. It doesn’t need to be something expensive, just something that’s specialized for the job. Hacking away at your nose and ears with a pair of scissors will do more harm than good. You’re aiming to just trim the ends, not shave yourself bald. After all, those hairs are stopping dirt particles from getting inside your body. You can get yourself a good trimmer for under $5 at Deal Extreme. It’s my favorite spot for getting crap like this. Shipping is free with them and, if you try to get the trimmer from the store, you’ll get the same, made in China, product for $20.
Scrape Your Tongue
You probably haven’t thought of the fact that most of your bad breath is actually coming from decomposing particles on your tongue. Brushing your tongue could help but not 100% and a lot of people gag from it. Personally, as a manly man, my mouth wasn’t designed to deftly take in long hard objects whilst delaying the gag reflex. If you can, then all the power to you. You might have a career as a sword swallower….or a pillow biter. Getting back to the point, a tongue scraper is guaranteed to make your mouth feel 10x better. Don’t knock it till you try it. You can pick one up from your pharmacy, or you can get it for less than half the price on Deal extreme.
Moisten your lips
The winter months are just around the corner and with the cold weather comes extremely dry air. That dry air is exactly what’ll cause your lips to get crack and bleed like a leper. If you think applying lip balm is reserved for women, then your enjoy the chapped life and good luck getting anyone to kiss you when they worry that they might be getting a blood transfusion should they lock lips. Balming your lips falls in the same category as brushing your teeth. It’s just another step in making your mouth-area look presentable.
Disclaimer: This is the first article where I made gay jokes. Just to note, I have nothing against the gay community nor do I condemn gay marriage. The purpose of the jokes were to make my homophobic readers more comfortable with taking care of their skin in ways that is wrongly seen as overtly feminine. If you're still offended then too bad. I've wasted enough time writing this disclaimer for your pouty ass. Lates, sucka.