Wednesday, July 30, 2008

How to Curb Your Appetite

I recently posted an article about how to lose weight. I wanted to include a paragraph on curbing your appetite, but I quickly realized that this was a whole article on its own. There are so many tricks you could learn that would help you put the fork down, Rosie O'Donnell. I understand that you're frustrated about your helpless, dead-end life. You eat because you're sad and you're sad because you eat. Well it's time to break that vicious cycle. It's time to have you eating less and here's how you'll do it:

What: Eat watery foods
Why: Foods that are high in water will fill you faster and have you'll take in much fewer fats
How: Instead of raisins, eat grapes. Have a watermelon wedge for dessert. Apples are ok but a nice juicy pear is better.

What: Have carbs
Why: Before I even start, I know what you're thinking "but the Fatkins diet says I can't have carbs, they lead to fat." That's a load of bull. Are you going to listen to the words of a man who suffered a heart attack the year before he died? News flash, Atkins got rich of duping people and was able to have a steak dinner every night. All that meat contains cholesterol that'll clog the shit out of your arteries and eventually kill you. Now, onto scientific matters. Carbs will inhibit the production of ghrelin (a hormone that makes you hungry) longer than meats will.
How: Have a nice carby cereal for breakfast. A nice pasta lunch will keep you surprisingly satisfied and may even stop you from guilty snacking until dinner.

What: Press on your ear
Why: I'm not sure if I fully believe this, but it's definitely worth mentioning. In acupuncture, the appetite can be controlled from the ear. Pressing on the part just above your earlobe will apparently stop a hunger pang dead in its tracks.
How: When you feel the hunger bug biting and you're eyeballing the candy bar on the top shelf of your pantry, press on your hunger spot and maybe that'll stop you from inhaling that Mars bar...that and the fact that the Mars company tests on animals.

What: Keep a water bottle on you
Why: When you're sitting at the cubicle on in class, you may not notice it, but you start to fiddle with things. Some people bite their nails, which gives them fugly hands. Others will rub their foreheads, which will give them fugly a complexion. Keeping a water bottle near you will put you in the habit of constantly drinking. Before you know it, you're stomach will be feeling quite full and you'll find yourself turning down the donuts in the office cafeteria.
How: Quit being cheap and splurge on a $2.99 case of 12 water bottles. Take one to work/school with you every morning.

What: Eat Breakfast
Why: Being hungry from the morning will almost guarantee you overeating at lunch. Another near certainty is you cheating with a snack until lunch. Eating a decent, healthy breakfast will curb your appetite until lunch.
How: Chuck some fruit, yogurt and milk in the blender.

After having said all this, I'd like to mention that these methods are to stop you from eating unhealthy and (all too readily available) vending machine snacks. Never starve yourself to be skinny. Not only is it not healthy, but it doesn't work. When your body realizes that it's in starvation mode, it'll begin to hold onto its fat and won't let you burn it off. You'll end up feeling fat, sluggish and cranky.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Google's PR 0 punishment

Many of you may have noticed that i haven't been very active in the past 2 weeks. This is mostly because of my recent penalization. Google, in their infinite wisdom, decided that they didn't appreciate my paid advertising. They would rather I use their Adsense program and give them the profit derived from my traffic.

As punishment for my infidelity, my Pagerank was shot down to 0. This essentially killed any chance of me making any money off my blog. Payperpost and Blogsvertise refused to give me any additional tasks. I was pretty bummed out and pissed at Google for pulling such a rat move. I quickly realized that SocialSpark, PayPerPost's sister site, uses RealRank to gauge a site's credibility. If you rely on paid posts to make you online money, you should do the same. Since Google is huge and generally doesn't care about a little sites and their meaningless complaints, you shouldn't hold your breath when submitting a reconsideration request. So let Google take your PR away from you. As long as you have traffic and quality links, your RealRank will be decent and you can get money using SocialSpark.

That is all for now. Quality articles are on the way.

As far as my posts go, I will continue to write articles

Friday, July 18, 2008

Top 5 Celebrity Hypocrites

Too many people get famous by preaching messages that they themselves don't follow. They publicly condemn actions and influence a slew of people to hang on their every word as if it came directly from the Almighty. Instead of being caught up in these lies, it's about time you deviated from the general public's blissful ignorance and learn the truth about the role models whom society has placed on a pedestal.

Dr. Phil McGraw (1950 - )

His Preach - Every problem has a glamorous and half hour solution
Dr. Phil likes to be the problem solver of all relationship issues. He likes to boast that his daytime talk show is 2nd in the nation because it helps people solve their problems with a "get real" approach.

His Practice - Divorce
Unable to deal with his own problems at home, Dr. Phil is currently undergoing a divorce. He's willing to throw around the hefty sum of $200 million to get his (ex) wife to shut up and not spill the beans on his whole operation. A single testimony from his wife on how terrible he is in the homestead would pretty much kill his career as a self-help guru. How can you let this pseudo-psychology babbling hick tell you how live your life, give the illusion that his half-hour spectacles are actually psychiatry and take oodles of money in the process?

Robert Atkins (1930 - 2003)

His Preach - Carbs=Evil
The famous Atkins diet taught millions of people to avoid carbs like hookers with herpes. Robert Atkins convinced his followers that filling your body with nothing but proteins and totally cutting out carbohydrates would ultimately lead to weight loss and perfect health.

His Practice - Heart Attack
A year before he died, Atkins suffered a heart attack. Eating nothing but fatty steak dinners might have clogged his arteries and left his ol' ticker helpless. I guess that's what we call "poetic justice." In spite of this incident, people continue to hold onto the mindframe that carbs are the spawn of Satan and the consumption of any sort of bread will lead to morbid obesity.

Michael Moore (1954 - )

His Preach - The Righteous Fighter of The Working Man
Mr. Moore likes to portray himself as the "everyday working man." He's always sporting an ill-fitted baseball cap and fronting a 3-day Castaway beard. He claims that he grew up in a working class family and can relate to the lower-tier factory worker. He believes that the world needs to be rid of the fat, rich white men who spawned out of the abomination known as American capitalism.

His Practice - The Fat, Rich White Man Of Whom He Warns
Michael is anything but an everyday working man. He fought to extend his million dollar beach house's private beach onto wetlands. Contradictory to socialist ideology, Moore sends his child to a private school so he won't mingle with the working class.
Moore was never a working class child. His parents both made a decent salary and, as result, Michael grew up in an upper-middle class home in the white, upper-middle class town of Davison, Michigan (Not Flint, as Moore likes to claim.). In reality, Michael Moore is the fat, rich white man he likes to warn people about. He's never had any connection to the "working man." All he's doing is creating propaganda that appeals to the majority of a population. Don't confuse his marketing with righteousness and don't be fooled into thinking he, in any way, represents the working man.

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

His Preach - Tolerance and Faith
Gandhi is remembered as the apitomy of peace, understanding and tolerance. To this day, die-hard hippies like to quote him on their Facebook profiles. It's safe to say that, in the minds of people today, Gandhi was so pure and good meaning, that any negative comments about him is blasphemy. One of his quotes on tolerance went like this:
"Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding."
Gandhi was also a very religious man and believed deeply in the gods of Hinduism. When his wife, Kasturba, was sick with pneumonia, Gandhi refused to allow British doctors administer penicillin. A drug which would've ultimately saved her life. Instead, Gandhi believed that the gods would heal her.

His Practice - Racism and Cowardice
Gandhi was overtly racist. He constantly emphasized that Indians should not be confused with the blacks of South Africa. In the following quote, Kaffir is an ethnic slur aimed at Black South Africans (equivalent to saying "nigger")
“A general belief seems to prevail in the colony that the Indians are little better, if at all, than the savages or natives of Africa. Even the children are taught to believe in that manner, with the result that the Indian is being dragged down to the position of a raw Kaffir”
So much for tolerance. Gandhi went on to say: ""Kaffirs are as a rule uncivilised — the convicts even more so. They are troublesome, very dirty and live almost like animals."
Although letting the gods heal the body was okay for his wife, when Gandhi himself became ill, he immediately insisted that he be given medication. When you force your wife to die then cowardly back away from the same morals that killed her...that kinda makes you a hypocrite....and a huge douche bag.

Al Gore (1948 - )

His Preach - Lower Energy Consumption
Al Gore is making millions of dollars making people feel guilty about their high fuel consumption. Millions of people are spending their hard earned money on "green" products and are going out of their way to be "green" and "eco friendly" because Al Gore says that the world will flood soon.

His Practice - Consume 30 Times More Energy Than The Average American
Al Gore Nashville mansion consumes 30 times more energy than an average home on a monthly basis. While most people burn through 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, Mr. Gore's mansion used up almost 221,000 kWh! After releasing An Inconvenient Truth, energy consumption went up by more than 2,000 kWh in Gore household. His excuse for this is that he invest in renewable energy initatives so, in reality, he's carbon neutral. What he doesn't say is that he's actually investing into his own company. So while you're breaking your head open to "think green" Mr. Gore is laughing his ass off at how he's managed to brainwash millions and live the good life at the same time.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

10 Things People Do On Facebook That Piss Me Off

Just like millions of other people, I've joined Facebook. I'll admit that I enjoy keeping in touch with friends whom I'd otherwise lose touch. As much as I enjoy it, there's still a bunch of stupid shit people do on Facebook that always manages to get under my skin and take a dump on my brain. Here's a bunch of shit that people do on Facebook that merits them a merciless bludgeoning.

#1 Phallic Symbols
Nothing says "I have a small penis and low self-esteem" like someone who decides to post a picture of himself with any kind of firearm. Don't assume that posting a picture of you with an M-16 without a caption makes you casual about the whole idea. You still might as well be a 9-year-old running to his schoolyard chums yelling "Guys, guys! I got to hold I gun! I feel so cool now." Unless you used that gun for anything other than a 1 time target practice on your Uncle Buck's incestuous ranch, posting that picture makes you a poser. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go to your room.

#2 Phake Photoshop
Congratulations, you've installed a program that takes up approximately 600 Mb of hard drive space just so you can play with a few color filters. Do you think upping the contrast and applying a Gaussian blur to a picture of you and your friends makes you a graphic designer? It doesn't. It just makes you look like a pretentious douche. If your total history is under 15 actions, you've done dick all to your picture. You're only bastardizing Photoshop by using it solely to neon glow and emboss your pictures....ass.

#3 Irrelevant Status
The "status" feature on Facebook was created to let your friends know what you're doing or where you are. For example, you could be "busy studying" or "finally on vacation". This feature wasn't designed so you can showcase your favorite downloaded, generic emo quote of the day. If I wanted to see your favorite quote, I would take the time to scroll down to "favorite quotes." Do you make a habit out of placing shit where it doesn't belong? If I invite you over, will you take a crap on my lamp?

#4 Philosophy minute
When Facebook asks you your religion, it's to give you the possibility to network with people of the same belief. No one asked you to write a pseudo-witty phrase regarding your atheist (or other) views on religion. Simply writing that you're an atheist is acceptable. You won't see religious people writing "I'm Jewish, and you're a fucking tool if you're not." Pasting a Nietzsche or Pritchard quote to exemplify your world views doesn't make you an intellectual; it just makes you a pompous dickhead.

#5 Facebook Pimps
When your marital status is "in a relationship" people can assume by themselves that you and your partner kiss occasionally. Posting pictures of your pre-pubescent make out sessions isn't something your online peers enjoy. Yes, occasionally your girl friends will post a comment like "aw, cutest couple ever" but the other 99% of the Facebook population is either trying not to yak on their keyboards or are pissing their pants at the thought of how sexually insecure you are. You two aren't "cute" or "adorable." You're pathetic. Social networks and softcore porn should never be confused.

#6 Group Petitions
Every now and then I get an invite to group that needs X amount of people to accomplish a task. "If 550 people join, Jimmy will buy a bottle of Skyy on Saturday" "100 people to get Britney Henderson on Facebook." If Britney doesn't have time to waste on Facebook, that's her prerogative. Leave Britney alone! She's a human! Of all the causes in this world to which you could donate your time, getting someone to accomplish an ultimately useless task isn't the most crucial. Not only did you waste your own time by creating the group, but you've also wasted my time when I have to click "Reject Invitation." bastard.

#7 Forced compliments
Occasionally, some totally ugly chick will post some photos of herself dressed up for a special event. Immediately, her girlfriends will begin to swarm the photo with their generous yet generic compliments: "OMG, Stacey. Ur gorg!","So hot! Luv ya." We all know you really mean: "Wow, you're a lot less fugly in this pic than you usually are." You're not fooling anyone. Just because someone has their hair and makeup done, doesn't mean they're Tara Reid. Sometimes I feel like I've stumbled on some ancient girl pact to always compliment each other's beauty despite...each other's beauty. You'll never catch any guys rushing to post fake praise on each other's prom pictures. Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. You people make me sick.

#8 Clubbing Shots
No, I'm not talking about the, ordinarily funny, seal clubbing pictures. I'm talking about people who feel the urge to take a picture of themselves on a crowded dance floor drinking from a $20 bottle of vodka that cost them $110. What's running through your mind when you're taking this picture? "I'm gonna put this picture up on Facebook and everyone will know that I tear it up on weekends." Unfortunately, you just look like a putz who has to prove himself to people who will only have a 1.5 second glance at each picture. Congratulations, baller, you're officially a turd sandwich.

#9 Applications
Thanks to Facebook making their source code publicly available, millions of people can now piss the shit out of one another with a barrage of useless applications. In a network that was once devoted purely to online communication between classmates, people can now waste hours filling out surveys and having a JavaScript application telling them what kind of person they are. The worst part is that all this stupid shit gets flaunted on the profile page, which then turns into a MySpace page. "Look! My Sex in the City IQ is 138!" Good for you. Now end your life.

#10 Useless Arguments
Once upon a time, when people had an important political message they'd want to convey to the public, they'd take to the streets with a passion. Now any shitbreak with 15 minutes will just create a political group with a few government-bashing pictures and consider himself a revolutionary. The worst part of all this is that it leads to heated arguments. What the fuck are you wasting so much time arguing for? Firstly, you won't end up convincing the other side. Secondly, you won't gather an audience since no one cares enough to read through your heat-of-the-moment typos and nonsense. Thirdly, in a matter of days it'll be a part of an archive and no one will ever see your 45 minutes of writing ever again. No one will refer back to your arguments or quote you. You might has well have sat on your ass and watched midget porn. At least that makes for an interesting story.

That last image might not be to everyone's taste, but such is life. I know it'll get some guilty chuckles. That's a wrap for this list. Wow, that took a while to write. I know everyone reading this has committed at least one of the aforementioned sins. Your god(s) hate(s) you for it and so do I.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Lose Weight With Little Effort

Everyone is looking for a magic fix. Nobody wants to work to lose weight and the reality is that, sometimes, they don't need to. Funny, huh? The truth is that a suprisingly significant weight loss can be achieved through a series of small decisions. There's no secret to any of this. You can find it out on your own through surfing but I'm going to deliver them all to you because: a) I'm an amazing and sympathetic individual and b) You're a lazy shlub who's constantly looking for the quickest, easiest way to squeeze into a bathing suit this swim season. So, without further adieu, here's what you're going to do to shed pounds and why.

What: Eat spicy foods.
How: Order the spicy meals at restaurants and buy a bottle of hot sauce for home. Whatever you feel can be spiced up (i.e. chili, pasta, bbq meat)
Why: There are many reasons why spicy foods will help you lose weight. You'll end up eating less. You'll drink more water. Your metabolism will go up causing you to burn more fat. Your digestive system works harder to break down spicy foods. All together, you can't go wrong with a little spice in your life. While it's a myth that spicy foods will cause an ulcer, it's true that spicy foods may aggravate pre-existing stomach conditions.

What: Eat early in the morning.
How: Eat as many quick, healthy meals as you can in the morning (i.e. instant oatmeal, an apple, egg in the microwave)
Why: The sooner you eat in the morning, the sooner you get your metabolism running in the day. In this way, you can maximize your bodies fat burning efficiency each day.

What: Eat sparingly and frequently
How: Ziplocs will become your new best friend in this task. Cereal, dried fruit, almonds, etc. can all be placed in Ziplocs and whipped out when you're feeling even a fiendish. You'd be surprised at how well a snack-sized Ziploc of almonds will crush a hunger pang.
Why: This works to make you lose weight in two ways. Firstly, it prevents you from gorging when a big meal comes along. Secondly, frequent food intake lets your body know that it isn't in a situation of starvation and it has the green light to go ahead and burn as much fat as is needed since fat storage isn't required.

What: Eat with chopsticks.
How: Not too hard to figure this one out. When the meal allows (stir fry, chicken pieces, chinese noodles) eat with chopsticks.
Why: Your lack of cultural diversity will inevitably cause you to eat your meal more slowly and will give your stomach the proper time to tell your brain when it's full. Surprisingly, there's a 20-minute gap between the time you've eaten enough and your brain knows that you've eaten enough. Some people will eat an extra 20 minutes worth of extra food that will become fat and leave you with that painful stomach-bursting sensation.

What: Use ankle weights.
How: Ankle weights are these straps that wrap around your ankle with velcro. Some models contain a series of half-pound sand bags that allow you to adjust the weight. Most models are quite discreet and will go unseen when covered with pants.
Why: Every step will have you burning more calories. A trip up the stairs becomes an amped-up mini workout. This is one of my favorite methods because it totally blends a full leg workout into your day.

What: Use small spoon, tall glasses, and small plates without patterns.
How: The wonders of capitalism make this quite the easy task.
Why: All these items will trick your mind into thinking that your consuming more food than you actually are. This will cause you to eat and drink less. How much less? Using a tall, slim glass will cause you to pour yourself about 34% less drink than you would if you used a short, stubby glass. Using a small, plain plate will have you eating about 23% less than a large, decorated plates. Using a smaller spoon will sometimes cause you to eat up to 36% less food than you would with a larger spoon.

What: Sit up
How: Stop slouching, you lazy shmuck.
Why: Sitting up straight will cause you to contract your lower back muscles and will stretch out your abs. This gradually works your core and might just be the final step into getting some defined six-pack line in your stomach.
What: Have a soup/salad
How: Tell the nice waiterman that you'd like the soup du jour or a salad
Why: A warm soup or a fresh salad 15 minutes before your meal is likely to have you eating less of your meal. Odds are, your meal will contain much more fat than a soup or salad.

What: Eat brown bread
How: When the waiter at your favorite breakfast joint asks if you want white or brown bread, take the brown. When at the grocery store, forget about your bleached white bread. Opt for something multi-grain
Why: White bread is garbage. It's chemically bleached and has absolutely no health benefits. Whole wheat bread has the fiber and nutrients you'll need to have a slim figure

So there you have 10 ways to lose weight without any hard work on your part. That's right, Benny Hill, even you can shed a few pounds. If you think this is all you'll need to do, you're wrong, as usual. To get the body everyone wants you to have, you're going to have to sweat but until you get your lazy ass off the couch, these tips should help you get started on the road to sweating off your jello butt and rubber love handles. Lastly, as glorious as I may be, I'm not your doctor. Before making any big dietary decisions, you should discuss your hair-brained ideas with a physician. See ya soon. Don't come back until you're slim.

Beat Your Kids. They'll Thank You For It Later

I'm not one to tolerate stupidity in any of it's forms. Actions and words that haven't been properly thought out before they're thrown into a social situation are nails on a blackboard to me. That's why, above all else, I cannot stand kids. What's the appeal of having a drunken midget plowing into your valuables and creating a scene when their inferior, developing bladders burst at the seams?

I don't know about you, but every time I see a bratty kid demand another toy from his weak willed mother, I feel like jumping on him without showing the same shoe removal courtesy as I do to a trampoline. I know what you're thinking: "They're G-d's little miracle", "You were a kid too." Firstly, something that never shuts up and is constantly running into things isn't "a miracle", it's that drunk guy at the party whom everyone wishes would just go home. Secondly, I was never a child. I sublimated into adulthood after I realized that crappy macaroni art and making a scene at department stores isn't getting me on anyone's good side.

I'm sorry for depressing you, Mrs. Soccer Mom. Now you'll have to get yourself some Prozac when you pick up your kid's Ritalin. Don't be too glum; there's hope for you yet. The next time your kid acts up, show 'em the stiff side of your belt. Nothing says: "I love you but I want you to shut the fcuk up" like the smack of leather followed by the sting of a belt buckle. That's right, beat the snot out of your kids, they'll thank you for it later. Until next time; help control the child population by getting yourself spayed or neutered. Peace out, suckas.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

How to Make Money Through Blog Advertising

As dumb as you guys all are, I'm sure that even you've noticed that my whole blog is littered with ads. I won't lie; I enjoy making money off of my blog and I'm sure you'd like to do the same with your two-bit internet operations. That's why, being the generous and caring individual that i am, I'll let you in on the best ways to monetize your blog and end up with some extra do re mi in your paypal account.

Blogsvertise - I'd say that this is your #1 starting point when it comes to advertising in your blog. They're the most accepting of n00b, pagerank 0 bloggers. Advertisements get assigned to you by Blogsvertise as well as chosen by you from a "grab bag" of tasks rejected by other bloggers. You'll start of making 2-5 bucks per advertisement, but what do you expect when you barely have any visitors? Later one, you'll be seeing $10-$15 per advertisement with the potential to earn up to $50 per 75 word article.

Sponsored Reviews - This site has a slightly different format. Instead of being offered a wage for your articles, you approach companies with bids and your money making depends on whether or not they accept the offer. What sucks hardest about this site is that they take a nice big cut of your profits so you don't end up making anywhere near the amount you would at

ReviewMe - This site, like blogsvertise, will assign you tasks but it's less reliable. There is no ideal grab bag feature and you could go months between tasks. Keep this site on your back burner.

PayPerPost - This is the site of which I originally wanted to be a part when I decided that i want to get paid to blog. PayPerPost will supply you with a nice long list of advertisers of which you can choose. I'll warn you now that many of them don't appreciate Blogspot as your blog host. Either way, if you have a high enough pagerank, PayPerPost is where you'll start making, on average, $20 per post but, as you get bigger, you could be seeing payouts as high as $150+. It is rather tough to get accepted by them, however. Before accepting you, they'll want to see 10 original, substancial posts within the past 30 days. If you're someone who writes nice, beefy articles, this can be somewhat of a daunting task. For those of you who wimp out and just blog a single line about how you hate your conformist parents or resent the Starbucks corporation, it might be a tad easier to spit out 10 annoying, generic posts.

Blogging Ads - I've yet to receive any assignments from this site. You can try your luck, but I regret wasting time on this.

LoudLaunch - These shnitheads took forever to get back to me and when they finally did, they rejected me. I don't really know why. Their loss. Maybe I'll waste some more time on them a bit later, but I doubt it.

In all these recommendations, I'm assuming you have a rather small and budding blog. If this is the case, then banners and AdSense aren't worth your time. You're not really generating enough traffic to see any profit from these tools. If you're looking to make money off pop-up ads, you're going to have a tough time getting accepted by pop-up ad companies since they have a high standard when it comes to the traffic on the sites they accept.

On a final note, blog advertisement, apart from selling crap on eBay, is the only instance when I made significant money with my online shenanigans. Paid surveys, paid friends networks, paid internet surfing and free Xbox/PS3/Wii programs are all scams and are definitely not worth your time. There's no easy money anywhere on the internet. Don't let any pop-up or banner convince you otherwise. Also, don't let anyone convince you that you're, in any way, equal to me. I'll always be better than you in every way imaginable. I'll always be there to take your women and pee in your toilet tank so that when you flush, pee comes out. Lates, suckas.