Saturday, October 25, 2008

Sushi - The Fountain of Youth

Of all the foods I can think of, sushi is probably the healthiest. If you haven't already tasted it, do yourself a favor and get a box of fresh sushi (not older than 6 hours). It was recently found that Ogimi, an island in Japan has the highest number of centenarians (people over 100) per capita in the world. Most of the island's inhabitants credit their sushi heavy diet as the secret of their longevity. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Sushi is the ultimate health food:

Rice - Rice is an excellent complex carbohydrate. It provides great energy and it fills you up quickly so overeating isn't much of a problem

Vegetables
- It doesn't take a nutritionist to tell you that vegetables are healthy for you. They're full of vitamins and minerals.

Seaweed - One of the best things you can eat in the whole sushi roll is the seaweed. It contains almost all the minerals you need in your diet including, sodium, magnesium and zinc.

Raw fish - Raw fish is full of omega-3 and that has countless benefits. Omega-3 fatty acids, among other things, reduce the risk of heart disease, prevent varicose veins and lower cholesterol.

What you won't find in sushi is tons of salt, saturated fat or cholesterol. That's the second half of its secret.

Occasionally, someone will tell me that eating raw fish is gross. You know what I think is gross? Getting 85% of your RDI* of saturated fat from eating a sundae (DQ Peanut Buster), getting 60% of your RDI of sodium from a sandwich (Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese) and getting 55% of your sodium intake from a single chicken thigh (KFC original recipe thigh).

*Recommended Daily Intake (based on a 2,000 calorie diet)

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Why Family Guy Is Better Than The Simpsons (part 1)

I decided I'd start a new recurring post. I've decided that The Simpsons is a washed up sellout of a show and isn't worth viewing anymore. This week's reasoning is character development. When Family Guy first came out, people were telling me that it's pretty much an imitation of The Simpsons. Both shows sport a dumb father, a housewife, a son, a daughter, a baby, a dog, a black friend and a white friend. My argument towards this is that, in 6 seasons, Family Guy managed to round out their characters more than The Simpsons was able to in its million seasons.

Homer
Homer's the dumb father of the family. He works at a nuclear power plant. His father is a generic old man who lives in a retirement home.

Peter
Peter's job has changed throughout the series. He's worked at a toy factory, as a fisherman and at a brewery. His father is an angry, abusive, Irish Catholic who hates his son's Protestant wife. He has an inexplicable hatred towards his daughter, Meg.

Marge
Marge is a typical housewife but has fun blue hair. She has two sisters who hate her husband. That's about it.

Lois
Lois, like Marge, is a housewife but has had a somewhat mysterious past. She constantly makes references to a history of rebellion (eg: her rep with kiss as "loose Lois", her explanation for her tattoo as "meth is a hell of a drug"). She always lets her daughter, Meg, know that she was much more popular in high school. Also, she's constantly fighting off crushes from both Brian and Quagmire.

Bart
With a slingshot in his back pocket and a spiky haircut, Bart is simply an early 90s reincarnation of Dennis the Menace. He doesn't like school. Gets in trouble. Likes skateboarding and comic books. Nothing really special.

Chris
Chris is awkward beyond the society's allowance. He has random bursts of insight that can't be explained. He's taken up a job as a paper delivery boy and constantly has to deal with a pedophilic old man harassing him.

Lisa
Lisa is the middle child. Unlike here brother, she enjoys school. She also plays the saxophone.

Meg
Meg's the epitome of a social outcast. She constantly strives to hang out with the popular clique but it always ends up in her mockery. She has a crush on her neighbour's son. Meg's always embarrassed by her family and tries to disassociate with them whenever possible. This is made ironic by the fact that Lois, Peter and Stewie have all proven to be much more sociable and "cooler" than her. Those who pity Meg and her constant ridicule should take solace in the fact that, when she has gotten the opportunity to be popular, she's acted like a stuck up bitch (eg: 1] when "Lando" made her seem cool, she rejected a dance with Neil, for a shallow football jock 2] When the meg got her makeover and the family became famous, she developed a huge attitude and gave her whole family the shaft)

Maggie
Maggie is a baby. She has a pacifier that she always sucks. That is all.

Stewie
Stewie is an intellectual bent on causing chaos. Oddly enough, he has a posh British accent. He has an inexplicable hatred for his mother and is constantly trying to kill her. Brian is the only one in the family that can match his wit so there's constantly a rivalry between them. Stewie is always balancing between his mature, chaotic view of life and his innocent, childlike tendencies.

Santa's Little Helper
A greyhound that Bart and Homer rescued from the tracks.

Brian
Brian, though not at Stewie's genius level, remains an intellectual. His intelligence is mostly associated with the arts. While him and Stewie have their humorous dialogs, he remains Peter's best friend. Just like Stewie must balance his maturity with his childhood, so too must Brian balance his intellectualism with the fact that he's a dog. Brian goes through a few love stints, but he never gets over his love for Lois.

Lenny
Lenny is Homer's friend. He is also best friends with Carl

Glenn Quagmire
Quagmire is Peter's perverted friend. You can tell by the way he speaks, the decor of his house and his attitude towards women that Glenn Quagmire is straight out of the Rat Pack era. Just like Brian, he has an undying love for Lois but, out of respect for his friend, will never act seriously on it.

Carl
Carl is Homer's friend. He is also best friends with Lenny

Cleveland Brown
Cleveland is Peter's laid-back, slow talking, deli-owning friend. He's recently divorced and is now on the lookout for a new relationship. Though Quagmire was the one who had an affair with his wife, he came to the realization that his wife was the unfaithful one and his friendship with Quagmire wasn't worth the sacrifice.

So there you have it; when it comes to character development, The Simpsons just doesn't compare to Family Guy. All you whiny Simpsons fans might try and pull up different events that happened in the Simpson family history, but this article only focused on occurrences that have an effect on more than one episode (ie: yes, homer was a plow driver, but that ended with the episode). Family Guy 1 - Simpsons 0, sucka!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Kids Are Violent Because Cartoons Aren't

I recently woke up early enough to catch some Saturday morning cartoons. So I get a bowl of chocolate coated sugar bomb cereal and I turn on cartoon network to what I thought would be the kick-ass line up I remember. Instead, what I get is a bunch of watered down, modern-retro stylized, clich├ęd crap. I keep flipping hoping to find something good. Instead I find Jimmy Neutron, Fairly Oddparents and Johnny Test. Once upon a time, I'd flip on the tube and see Wolverine sticking his badass adamantium claws into a sentinel. Now all I get is the wacky adventures of a 9-year old boy who's still learning about moderation, friendship and why his pubes haven't come in yet.
What's even worse is that kids are more violent today than ever before. Kids will always crave violence. If cartoons don't have enough balls for them, they'll just flip on the Xbox and play something that involves some sort of dismemberment and is 10x more violent than any ABC cartoon will ever be. A few years ago, the only violence video games suggested was jumping on turtles in attempt to have them hurled towards your opponents at breakneck speeds. I hope you parents are happy. Hoorah, cartoons suck and your kids are serial killers in the making. But what does that matter? You don't pay attention to what your kids watch anyways. All you know is that the cartoons are sugary enough to cause diabetes and if your youngin' acts up, you'll pop enough Ritalin in him to sedate a small rhino.
I think everything started going downhill when Pokemon became popular. When I watched an anime, it was Dragonball Z and that was just tits. Aliens from different planets blowing each other away with laser beams that shot out of their hands. Pokemon reduced these testosterone driven battle royals to two beanie babies going at it until one falls to the ground with swirly eyes.
I say we should put the balls back into the early morning cartoons and pry the video games away from your kids. Sounds crazy? Consider this, your kid will be waking up earlier and, as result, going to sleep sooner. He'll be eating his cereal early in the morning and get his metabolism running right away. Unlike video games, cartoons have breaks every 7 minutes so your kid won't be in a coma-like state for 2 hours at a time. At around 12 o'clock, the shows get crappy and your kids will look for something more interesting, to do. That's when you hand the little free-loader a rake and have him pay his keep. The power is yours.... sucka.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

How to Fall Asleep at Night


You know the feeling; you have to wake up early tomorrow but the sandman just won't come. You're stuck watching the clock next to your bed. Every 5 minutes you calculate how much sleep you could get if you fell asleep at that exact moment. Not surprisingly, the next morning you're so dead tired that you can't understand how you could possibly have had trouble sleeping. Well that's about to change. Here's how you're gonna get your 40 winks without delay tomorrow night.

Cereal - the morning crusader also works nights

A bowl of cereal about 30 min before bedtime will help you on your journey to La-La Land. Don't confuse this suggestion with an invitation to eat anything that you can think of before bed. Heavier, prepared meals will get your body in digestion mode and you'll find it much harder to sleep. A light meal like cereal is ideal. I made the mistake of looking this up in the forums. People tended to disagree with the cereal before bed since they had a bowl and they still weren't asleep. That brings me to my next point...

Avoid electronics like the plague

Look at all the cool shit you have! You can listen to music while checking your email while chatting with your friends about Dungeons & Dragons while getting a colonoscopy! As great as all that sounds, none of it should be a part of your routine 30 minutes before you plan on getting to sleep. Devices like computers are highly interactive and will keep your mind fully stimulated. As long as your brain is at this level of activity, no amount of cereal will ever get you to bed. Do everyone who's there on the message boards, bitching that conventional sleeping methods don't work, try shutting down the porn and open a book.

Knockout Tub

For the man who's "in touch with his emotions" a warm bath with some lavender oil added could be just the thing that'll crack this streak of insomnia. Lavender is widely known to be a sleep aid. Combining it with a hot bath makes it even more potent because your not only inhaling lavender infused vapour, but the hot water opens up your pores and you'll absorb more of that nighttime goodness. For those of you who have a bit too much testosterone or are worried that your friends might find out about your late night aquatic escapades, a few drops of lavender oil on your pillow will yield similar results.

Bedroom Association

You should only be doing 2 things in your bedroom, the less exciting of which is sleeping. Other than that, you should be keeping out of your room. Try not to sit on your bed while you have late night chats with your 230 lbs. cybersex buddy, Bambi420. The more things you do in your room, the more your brain associates that area with mental stimulation. If your brain learns that when you’re in bed (alone), it’s sleep time, you’ll eventually find yourself getting drowsy when you enter your bedroom. That’s because your brain will recognize it’s environment and begin to decrease its activity. This is almost the same concept as the environmental tolerance I mentioned in the alcohol tolerance article.

Take a Trip to Palmsdale

If you didn't have a proper workout before going to bed, you're muscles will have trouble entering a state of relaxation. A quick way of putting your entire body and in a state of total relaxation is, obviously enough, masturbation. Playing a solo on the devil's clarinet releases a chemicals called endogenous opioid peptides into your brain. Opium, if you couldn't tell by the name, is also an opioid. Opioids will have a muscle relaxing and sleep inducing effect similar to that of morphine. This, combined with many other hormones released in the process, will have a sedative effect and should have you dreaming in no time.

At the end of the day, we each have something that works best for us. Nothing will work for everyone all the time. Should none of these methods even remotely help, you should consider seeing a doctor and ask about the possibility of insomnia. Staying up late for anything isn't cool. Sleep deprivation result in a lower IQ, impaired driving, poor social skill and, worst of all, ugly bags underneath your eyes. Sleep tight and don't tell your boyfriend you really dream about me at night.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Your Nose And You: a man's guide to boogers

So you've got a nose full green plasma. Some people call it disgusting but it's snot. (HAHA) Boogers come in many shapes and textures. Each one requires you to take the proper actions and precautions to ensure safe ejection. Improper action can lead to sticky, mucous covered hands or worse: a nose bleed. Be sure to read the following article very carefully before your next pick or it could be you last.

Species

The Mossy Rock

This is pretty much your standard, run-of-the mill
boog. The out side is slightly goopy but the center is pretty solid and well built. There's no need to panic for this one. It's harmless. You have 2 options for dealing with this bad boy. The first option is using a Kleenex. Thanks to the slightly slimy exterior of the specimen, it will form a semi-seal in the nostril and will allow for a pressure buildup great enough to fling it into a Kleenex. Your second option is going in for a manual extraction using the index finger. The nougat-like center will allow you to nab that sucker without too much mess. Keep in mind that before you flick it, you'll have to roll it. (See Methods & Techniques below).

The Meteor

The meteor is the bastard son of the mossy rock. Unlike it's father the meteor does not have a soft, lubricated coating. This means that going in for the pick puts you at risk of pressing it's jagged surface against the wall of your nostril. This will produce a very painful sensation. If the meteor is big enough, it might just have enough air resistance to be shot into a Kleenex. If it's too small for this, a quick hot shower will transmogrify the rebellious ingrate into a more manageable species. For those brave souls, if the situation call for it, you can use good
ol' index to coax the evil menace out of your nose but proceed with extreme caution.

The Comet

The Comet is the athletic, studious and legitimate son of mossy rock. It still has pops solid core and semi-gushy exterior. Though it is slightly less lubricated than the mossy rock, it hides behind it a magnificent secret. Its tail is a soft
endoplasm that extends deep into the nasal cavity. This leads me to the best way to remove it. The fun and joy behind a comet is picking it out. You think you're just getting a regular mossy rock but suddenly you discover that your removing a full umbilical cord and you're suddenly able to breath 90% better. You can always use Kleenex, but why would you want to?

The Blob

99% of the audience already know what I'm talking about. Yes, the blob is morbidly obese, jobless uncle who we all hate. The blob is that oozy drippy unpleasantness that comes along and ruins your perfect date walking through the park on a beautiful fall afternoon. Nothing is less attractive than a man who is producing a sound out of his nose that many experts would claim is a dolphin fart. Picking is like sticking your finger into a package of ground beef and hence is futile. All your base are belong to blob. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. See how fucking annoying blowing your nose over and over gets!?!? There's no end in sight! The blob just keeps regenerating and haunting you. The worst part is that, should you take a stand and just don't blow anymore, you feel like it's full out dripping out of your nose even though it's really not. Damn you blob! You're deceiving and relentless!

The Clingon

The
Clingon is a vicious little demon. He's known for clinging onto nose hairs and refusing to let go. A clingon can be brought about by either a blob exposed to Canada's winters or by a meteor that has just so happened to form around a hair. The only way to remove a clingon is through a masochistic display of follicle extraction. Blowing into a Kleenex won't help. Clingons have been said to hold onto hairs in the presence of winds exceeding 130 mph. Blow all you want but that sucker's holding on tighter than a bulimic chick to her uvula.

The Paint Scraping

Some people love 'em, some hate 'em. Paint scrapings are the semi-solid
boogers that'll stick close to the wall of your nostril. Due to their ergonomic and aerodynamic design, trying to blow them out simply won't work. It's obvious that your going to need to go in there with a motion that's strangely reminiscent of getting the leftover cake batter off the walls of a bowl. Under no circumstances is this picking to be done in public. Scraping your nose paint is the most obvious and disgusting style of nose picking. The application of pressure to the walls result in you pushing your nose outwards and causes your upper lip to lift up slightly. Needless to say, you do not want to be caught in this position. Try and reserve this simple pleasure for the privacy of your own home.

The Constipation

Say goodbye to quiet breathing when you've got a constipated nose. You've got a blob so viscous that not even your full lung pressure can dis-lodge it. Trying will only make your ears pop. Your only option is to melt away the the dam with a nice steamy shower or bath.

Methods & Techniques

The Roll

Semi-moist goblins require a slight amount of rolling to get them into their most aerodynamic shape and also to reduce their sticky properties. Rolling is as easy as touching your index finger to your thumb and moving it in a clockwise pattern.

The Flick

After you're done rolling, you gotta get rid of the evidence. I mean where are you gonna put it? Your pocket? With the nasal C4 on your index, flick normally, as you would to an insect who's wronged you.

The Shnot-Rocket

Tilt your head back slightly, block one nostril with your index finger and blow out of your nose vigorously. The pressure should fling out the contents of your nose without dirtying your fingers. WARNING: Attempting this technique with the blob may result in a toxic
loogie oozing out your nose. Women immediately report to one another when they spot a guy whose got a toxic loogie. They have a universal online database of this but I haven't been able to crack the password...or find the site...or find anyone who would admit to it.

5-Fingered Tissue

In the absence of a tissue one, one may pinch his nose slightly and use his hand as if it was a tissue. When the deed is done, a quick snap of the wrist will rid the hand of it's congealed mess. Acceptable places to practice this are: in the shower or on a hiking trip. Unacceptable places to do this are at a pool or at the office. Know your limits.