Thursday, June 11, 2009

Top 10 Breakup Songs

So you've called it off with your sweetheart and you're generally down in the dumps. You just can't bring yourself to listen to the hip-hop or rap you used to. You're not feeling G or like dancing at a club. You just feel like boiled shit and you want your music to acknowledge how you're feeling. I've been there too, champ. It bones. Being the nice guy I am, the following is 10 songs you might enjoy listening to now.

I Hate You – Sick Puppies
There’s not much to explain about this song. It’s sometimes just a cathartic release to keep saying “I hate you.”
Quotable line: “I know you think you hate me but I will always hate you more.”

I Hate Everything About You – Three Day’s Grace
It’s weird suddenly hating someone you’ve loved for so long. It’s a mix of emotions that makes the next few days and weeks a roller coaster of emotions.
Quotable line: “All the feelings that I get, but I still don’t miss you yet”

Just – Radiohead
At a certain point, enough is enough. You have to get up, brush off the dust and get back into the game. After a while, she’s out of the equation and the only reason your down in the dumps is that you’re so full of self-pity that it cripples you. You do it to yourself.
Quotable line: “You do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts”

Song for the Dumped – Ben Folds Five
Here’s another song that doesn’t need explanation. It’s a little lighter and upbeat…but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a bitch.
Quotable line: “So you wanted to take a break, slow down and have some space…well fuck you too”

Tearing Away – Drowning Pool
At the end of the day, you’re the only one who matters. If someone can’t help you make money or feel good about yourself, they’re useless to you and don’t merit your attention.
Quotable line: “I don’t care about anyone else but me.”

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing – Jack Johnson
Sometimes the best guys get paired up with the shittiest types of girls. You try to make it work and you bend over backwards for her, but she can’t appreciate it and never changes or commits. There are better people for you to devote your time.
Quotable line: “I can’t always be waiting on you.”

Only – Nine Inch Nails
Infatuation causes us to see what we want to see and not what’s really there. You try so hard to convince yourself that your girl is great but eventually you come to grips that she’s actually a waste of tampons and all her positive features are just figments of your imagination. Sorry about the attached video. I’m not big on the fan-made videos but this is the only uncensored version I found on YouTube and, I’m sorry, but the line “There is no fucking you” was just too crucial. A silence just adds an annoying pause and implies an unfitting inhibition.
Quotable line: “…you were never really real. I just made you up to hurt myself”

The Pot – Tool
The title, in my opinion, has a double meaning. Firstly, it’s based around the expression “the pot calling the kettle black”, whereas “the pot” represents an annoying hypocrite. Secondly, with all the marijuana references in the song, “the pot” can also be the drug abuse that would explain a person running their mouth with contradicting hypocritical bullshit. After an argument, you think back to all the stupid shit she said and how her actions blatantly contradict them. Ignorant bitch.
Quotable line: “Foot in mouth and head up ass-hole. Whatcha talkin' 'bout?

Friend is a Four Letter Word – Cake
“Four letter word” is an expression that means a swear word. Most swears tend to be four letters (shit, piss, fuck, cunt, dick, tits). Sometimes the offer to be friends is so much of an insult that “friend” might as well be a four-letter word.
Quotable line: “I'm really only praying that the words you'll soon be saying might betray the way you feel about me.

Whiskey Hangover – Godsmack
Sometimes that breakup just throws you into that self-destructive downward spiral. Fuck off, it happens to the best of us. You go ahead and grow that stubble, loosen the tie and have a gritty conversation with Mr. Jack D.
Quotable line: “so what if i never wanna be sober? So what if i wanna be numb all the time?

Honorable Mentions:
So there you have it - ten songs to help you with a breakup. For better or for worse, everything passes. I hope some of these tunes help you out. Be good.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Shaken, Not Stirred

So I just heard about this Dr. Oetker muffin shaker. Apparently it's this container half filled with muffin mix. You fill the rest with either water or milk and shake then pour into your muffin tray. The muffins have 0 trans fats and are a good source of fiber. I can't help but wonder what would happen if one would decide to partially substitute the milk with Baily's Irish Cream. The result would probably be some kickass muffins that would be the hit of the party. Given the ease of making the muffins, you could probably make them when you're already 3 drinks in.
Usually I'd be against lazyness, but this is a pretty good timesaving idea.
Making muffins always makes a powdery mess, then a goopy mess and dirties a mixing bowl & spoon. This way, all the mess is contained into one small jug that just gets thrown away at the end. You couldn't ask for less hassle. I would say it's the best for whipping up a breakfast of champs. Preparing muffin batter while working on other things could be a time consuming hassle. I think I'd much rather the shake 'n' pour routine....since I'm a lot better than you, you should do the same.


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

How to Properly Drink a Beer

While it seems like a simple enough chore, you'd be surprised how many people screw up the task of prepping a standard beer. I'm not talking about the gallons of beer you think you can consume in a keg stand with all your (imaginary) friends cheering you on. I'm talking about the hearty beer you have when you come into a warm pub on a dark and snowy night. I'm talking about that thirst-killing, chilled beer you enjoy on a restaurant terrace on the day when thermometers start sweating. Those are the beers for which you take every measure to fully enjoy. Here are some tips of which you might not hav known that'll ensure you get the most out of your beer.


Before we get into the serving part, we have to discuss you handling your beer. While beer is the hearty drink of men, as an alcohol it’s very sensitive. There are very strict precautions that need to taken in order to fully enjoy the drinking experience. Beer easily degrades in quality from every factor imaginable. Beer needs to be treated like a hemophiliac; limit shaking, light, heat, sudden cold, dust.

Light Exposure
Minimize your beer's exposure to light. Beer is in a brown bottle to reduce the light getting in. Corona's clear bottle is purely aesthetic since it allows more light to get it and potentially skunk your beer faster. Be extra careful with the clear ones.


Go easy on the speed bumps as you and your man-date, Craig, blaze through 5th avenue in your Jetta. Unlike Craig, the beer doesn't appreciate being jerked around. The last thing you want is your beer to go flat within 30 seconds of opening.

Cool Storage

Different beers are best served at different temperatures. Your lighter pale ales will be fine on a cellar floor. Spicier, darker stouts are served at room temperature so that you can fully appreciate all the aromas. Making the beer as cold as possible just dulls all the flavors by numbing your palate and inhibiting aroma. While that may be cool for the frat party you'll never remember, it's not favorable when sampling a quality beer.


Choosing the proper glassware for your beer is the first crucial step. Not all beers are best flaunted in the same glass. Firstly, make sure the glass is super clean and free from any settled dust. Any impurities will make the beer go flat faster as well as degrade the flavor.

Pilsner, flute - Tall & slender. Best for light ales. Slim shape holds a head as well as carbon dioxide

Pint Glass, chalice, goblet, tulip - Wide & Tall. Best for dark beers. Large surface allows for a better palate spread and aromas


A lot of bars will serve you your beer in a chilled glass and you, being a novice drinker, don’t know that a sudden change in temperature will “shock” your beer. If you’re planning on enjoying a quality ale, colder seldom means better. Under 11 degrees, the flavors of your beer get dulled out. The myth of the cold, refreshing, quality beer was most probably created by commercial beer companies who tried to find a way of reducing the quantity of ingredients without their clientele noticing.

When pouring from a tap, hold the glass straight until a nice little head forms. The second it does, tilt your glass 45 degrees to allow the beer being poured in to slide under the head you created.

Should you be served a bottle and a glass, never simply opt to drink from the bottle because it's "more comfortable." Firstly, your bottled beer was meant to be poured out. It's over carbonated in the bottle. Drinking it straight won't allow you to enjoy the proper flavor of your beer. It'll also cause you to be quite gassy because due to the excess carbon dioxide. It's especially important to make good use of your glass when you have a very large bottle of beer. The constant up and down of the bottle will give you a very flat 2nd half of a beer. Instead, fill your glass and let the large bottle sit still so as not to encourage unneeded fizz release.

Mixing beer

I don’t assume that, when you buy beer, you’re buying a case of imports. I know you and your frat buddies are getting two-fours of Coors Light, Budweiser and Labatt Bleue. What happens when the ladies (or the effeminate men of Phi Alpha Gamma) come over? How do you make your commercial beers enjoyable to people not downing them in a keg stand? Making beer cocktails is quite easy since the preparation is minimal and the results are quite novel.

Fuzzy Peach – Add a shot of peach schnapps to your light beer
Beer Buster – Add a shot of vodka and a few dashes of Tabasco
Mexicano – Add tawny or dark tequila to your Corona
Boiler Maker - Add a shot of whiskey to your Amber Ale
Black Velvet - Add a 2 shots of cider to your Guinness 

The rest is up to you. Drink slowly, try to enjoy every aspect of the beer. Let it hit all your taste buds, your palate and pay attention to the aftertaste. Happy drinking, Sucka.

007 Mixology

James Bond always orders his trademark vodka martini, shaken not stirred. This is quite an unusual request considering an alcohol-only drink never gets shaken.  Bond is aiming for 2 things when ordering this drink. Firstly, the drink will come out extra chilled so that the alcoholic sting of the vodka is muted. Secondly, shaking the alcohol in ice dilutes it slightly. This too will make the drink a bit milder and make it a bit easier to sip casually.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Phrases I Will Always Hate

"I grew up with X older brothers"

This is something girls will say to prove to a guy they're tough. It's pretty much the female equivalent of "I grew up on the streets, yo" Since they've been hardened through years of sibling rivalry, now they can take on any guy's gestures and even physical aggression, to an extent. News flash, your brothers aren't an accurate representation of the guys you'll run into on the streets. Your brothers essentially protect you and, unless you live in Idaho, aren't looking to fuck you at any chance they get. Just because you come from a jock family and you wear a 
sports bra 24/7, doesn't mean you've in any way proven yourself to be tough.

"Guess what!"

A lamer segway into a 20-minute monologue about yourself couldn't be uttered. I'm obviously not going to "guess what." There are an infinite number of things that could've happened to you in your meaningless life and you clearly don't intend on waiting as I go through the long list of things that I couldn't care less about (got a new bf, broke up with a bf, what you ate, who you saw, what your bowel movements look like). One thing that always bugs me is that, like the naive (yet attractive), stud I am, I always think that there's a chance that the "what" of which I'm guessing has to do with me. I think to myself "maybe today, by some fluke, this affects me in some way." Unfortunately, I get disappointed each time and my hate for the line grows deeper. My punishment - watching you flap your sausage lips, for what feels like an eternity, about something that interests me less than One Tree Hill, lacrosse, wooden dowels, Orlando Bloom, etc. etc.

"X nights ago, I had like Y shots of tequila"

Of all the pathetic attempts to impress me with something, this has to be the worst and most generic of all. It's funny, it's not only guys that will say this. I once thought it was all about being macho, but chicks will also try to impress with their alcohol tolerance. You walk a fine line when you tell me about how many shots you can take. If you tell me a number between 1-9, I won't be impressed. If you tell me a number that's 10 or greater, I won't believe you. The mathematicians reading this will quickly notice that there's no number that would actually merit a favorable response from me. That's because, no matter what you say, I'll think your a dipshit for even wasting my time with something I care so little about.

"I don't drink (insert alcohol type) anymore."..."Not after last time..." OR "It doesn't agree with me..."

What possible benefit could be derived from that? I assume you're, once again, trying to segway into a lame story about yourself at some other party which I care nothing about. Not only will your story make me want to take a bullet OUT of a gun and force it through your temple, but it'll most probably deter me from ever offering you a drink since you have a history of going overboard and you have an irritating tendency of repeatedly bringing it up.
Any alcohol you insert into the blank will label you as a tool except one - vodka. Telling people that you can't drink vodka labels you as a completely useless waste of space and air. Why? Because unlike alcohols like brandy, rum, whiskey, etc. vodka is completely flavorless. It's pure alcohol cut with water. The finer a vodka is, the less impurities it contains. So in essence, what you're saying is you can't drink alcohol. Period. If you something more ignorant could be said in a bar, I'm curious to know what. Until such time, you deserve a swift knee to the groin every day for being the village idiot.

"What do you bench?"

I challenge anyone to find a better way of saying "I'm a huge douche and know nothing about weight lifting" in 4 words or less. Since when has a person's bench pressing capacity demonstrated their strength or fitness savvy in any way? If you don't have enough knowledge to make small talk about exercise - don't. Stick to what you know. Do you see me asking you how much horsepower your cup holder has? If you should happen to be naturally gifted with a McConaughy-like physique, opening your mouth with such a stupid statement deflates any credibility you might've had in the fitness realm and immediately thrusts you into the brain dead jock category.