Quantam of Solace - Scariest Villain Yet

Hello Pussy,

I felt it to be my duty as the proud owner of a pair of testicles to see the new James Bond flick as soon as I could. I can safely say that it was pretty decent. It wasn't the best Bond, but still good nonetheless.

James Bonds, in case you haven't noticed, have always synced up with the politics at the time. The first James Bonds set the Russians as the enemies, while the Cold War was prevalent. In "Die Another Day", the enemies are Korean. In "The World Is Not Enough", surprise surprise - bad guys are Middle Eastern terrorists. In this James Bond, the villain is Dominic Greene. He owns an "environmentally friendly" company. As if his last name and the eco-company isn't enough, the dude (Mathieu Amalric) looks a shit load like Al Gore. In case you haven't processed all that, the enemy for this James Bond is corrupt environmental movement. That, by the way, makes me happier than a pig in shit. 

There were however, a few things that disappointed me with this movie. Firstly, this is the first Bond I've seen where 007 is not briefed by R (formerly Q) and given the clutch gadgets that will end up being live savers for him later in the film. Secondly, JB doesn't snog the Bond girl at the end. It's just not a Bond if he doesn't contract some sort of STD.

A lot of people will tell you that the new Bond sucked. While that may be, I can't bring myself to say that about a Bond flick. While there were definitely better Bonds (except the Lazenby one), this one was still enjoyable.

(PS: If you didn't get that the opening line was a Bond reference, you have no place reading this post. In the off chance that you're a man, you must immediately forfeit your testicles to the Male Appendage Regulatory Board, Chicago, IL 60652)

Lates suckas

7 Reasons Why My Dog's Better Than Your Kids

1) Rubbing my dogs nose in a urine soaked carpet while shouting: "No, bad" won't get me arrested

2) When you leave your kid in a cage for 4 hours, he won't really be happy to see you at the end of the day.

3) My dog will never make me a crappy macaroni painting that I'll have to pretend to like and post on the fridge.

4) When your kid knocks up a chick, you can't sell the kids and make a profit.

5) My dog started shitting where I wanted him to within a week of bringing him home.

6) Putting a choker chain on a kid never seems to yield positive results.

7) My dog will never ask for Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad action figure until I'm forced to hit him

There you have it; 7 good reasons to put up your kid for adoption and get yourself a canine companion. Lates, sucka.

Why Family Guy Is Better Than The Simpsons (part 1)

I decided I'd start a new recurring post. I've decided that The Simpsons is a washed up sellout of a show and isn't worth viewing anymore. This week's reasoning is character development. When Family Guy first came out, people were telling me that it's pretty much an imitation of The Simpsons. Both shows sport a dumb father, a housewife, a son, a daughter, a baby, a dog, a black friend and a white friend. My argument towards this is that, in 6 seasons, Family Guy managed to round out their characters more than The Simpsons was able to in its million seasons.

Homer
Homer's the dumb father of the family. He works at a nuclear power plant. His father is a generic old man who lives in a retirement home.

Peter
Peter's job has changed throughout the series. He's worked at a toy factory, as a fisherman and at a brewery. His father is an angry, abusive, Irish Catholic who hates his son's Protestant wife. He has an inexplicable hatred towards his daughter, Meg.

Marge
Marge is a typical housewife but has fun blue hair. She has two sisters who hate her husband. That's about it.

Lois
Lois, like Marge, is a housewife but has had a somewhat mysterious past. She constantly makes references to a history of rebellion (eg: her rep with kiss as "loose Lois", her explanation for her tattoo as "meth is a hell of a drug"). She always lets her daughter, Meg, know that she was much more popular in high school. Also, she's constantly fighting off crushes from both Brian and Quagmire.

Bart
With a slingshot in his back pocket and a spiky haircut, Bart is simply an early 90s reincarnation of Dennis the Menace. He doesn't like school. Gets in trouble. Likes skateboarding and comic books. Nothing really special.

Chris
Chris is awkward beyond the society's allowance. He has random bursts of insight that can't be explained. He's taken up a job as a paper delivery boy and constantly has to deal with a pedophilic old man harassing him.

Lisa
Lisa is the middle child. Unlike here brother, she enjoys school. She also plays the saxophone.

Meg
Meg's the epitome of a social outcast. She constantly strives to hang out with the popular clique but it always ends up in her mockery. She has a crush on her neighbour's son. Meg's always embarrassed by her family and tries to disassociate with them whenever possible. This is made ironic by the fact that Lois, Peter and Stewie have all proven to be much more sociable and "cooler" than her. Those who pity Meg and her constant ridicule should take solace in the fact that, when she has gotten the opportunity to be popular, she's acted like a stuck up bitch (eg: 1] when "Lando" made her seem cool, she rejected a dance with Neil, for a shallow football jock 2] When the meg got her makeover and the family became famous, she developed a huge attitude and gave her whole family the shaft)

Maggie
Maggie is a baby. She has a pacifier that she always sucks. That is all.

Stewie
Stewie is an intellectual bent on causing chaos. Oddly enough, he has a posh British accent. He has an inexplicable hatred for his mother and is constantly trying to kill her. Brian is the only one in the family that can match his wit so there's constantly a rivalry between them. Stewie is always balancing between his mature, chaotic view of life and his innocent, childlike tendencies.

Santa's Little Helper
A greyhound that Bart and Homer rescued from the tracks.

Brian
Brian, though not at Stewie's genius level, remains an intellectual. His intelligence is mostly associated with the arts. While him and Stewie have their humorous dialogs, he remains Peter's best friend. Just like Stewie must balance his maturity with his childhood, so too must Brian balance his intellectualism with the fact that he's a dog. Brian goes through a few love stints, but he never gets over his love for Lois.

Lenny
Lenny is Homer's friend. He is also best friends with Carl

Glenn Quagmire
Quagmire is Peter's perverted friend. You can tell by the way he speaks, the decor of his house and his attitude towards women that Glenn Quagmire is straight out of the Rat Pack era. Just like Brian, he has an undying love for Lois but, out of respect for his friend, will never act seriously on it.

Carl
Carl is Homer's friend. He is also best friends with Lenny

Cleveland Brown
Cleveland is Peter's laid-back, slow talking, deli-owning friend. He's recently divorced and is now on the lookout for a new relationship. Though Quagmire was the one who had an affair with his wife, he came to the realization that his wife was the unfaithful one and his friendship with Quagmire wasn't worth the sacrifice.

So there you have it; when it comes to character development, The Simpsons just doesn't compare to Family Guy. All you whiny Simpsons fans might try and pull up different events that happened in the Simpson family history, but this article only focused on occurrences that have an effect on more than one episode (ie: yes, homer was a plow driver, but that ended with the episode). Family Guy 1 - Simpsons 0, sucka!

Manswers - For Ass By Ass

So I just saw the show "Manswers." If you want to know what I'm ranting about before I start, you can see full episodes of the show here (it's all legal, don't worry, you wuss). I must say, I thought American television reached it's lowest of lows when I ranted about "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader." Unfortunately, American society has reached a new low. The show "Manswers" claims to be all the answers to what men want to know. Since this is pretty much what I like writing about, I thought I'd give it a look. I must say that it's an insult to masculinity and if you enjoy watching the show, you're not a man, you're a hack. The first thing that almost gave me an aneurysm was the obnoxious "extreme" narrator. The idea that men need a surfer/drill sergeant to pay attention is retarded. Since I'm not 7 and watching a GI Joe commercial, there's no reason for the narrator to be some prick who won't stop yelling. Next, the camera is constantly zooming in and out with sound effects. It's as if they're worried that I have severe ADD that would cause me to look away if I didn't focus on the screen. Finally, the questions are answered using either a ridiculous cut sequence or using a semi-naked woman. I'll admit, there are subtle ways of getting men to pay attention but it's very much an art form. When you get a chick to shoot a gun just to watch her tits bounce, you're not being coy, you're being a tool.
This show doesn't provide you with answers to anything. If you're really curious about anything, look it up. Don't trust a 15 second cut sequence, that mainly illustrates breasts, for your source of any kind of information. If someone ever starts a conversation with me based on something they saw on Manswers, I'll punch them square in the mouth. Not only does the show tell you dick all about anything, but the fact that you sat through an entire episode and took it seriously means you're a total gooch scab that doesn't deserve to keep all his teeth.

Breakfast Cereals Are Destroying Society

I've always asked myself why there are so many punk kids today who think it's ok to become stoned slackers who talk back to their elders. When I was a kid, giving your mom lip (or any adult, for that matter) merits you a smack with a wooden sandal or plastic coat hanger. Now you'll have little Johnny McBratson flipping his mom the bird as he continues to play with his fake friends on Xbox live. Where did this behaviour come from? (other than your shitty-ass parenting) Breakfast cereals. That's right, breakfast cereals are responsible for corrupting today's youth and turning them into the rebellious little foreskins they are today. Lets have a look at some cereals and I'll show you how they're a menace to society.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC)

Every CTC commercial follows the same template. The dialogue is between a teen and an adult:
"Hey Murray, do you know why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?"
"It's got fructose which is highly addictive"
"No, lame-brain, it's got cinnamon swirls on every bite!"
Who the fuck are you to think you know so much about cereal, punk? Do you think you know better than someone who's more than twice your age? You're nowhere near as smart or as witty as you think you are. I hope the "cinnamon sugar" rots your teeth to a paste, you disrespectful dingleberry.

Trix

Day after day, I see this poor rabbit try to get his fix of a balanced breakfast. Day after day, he's met with the same response: "Silly, Rabbit. Trix are for kids." That's good sharing, Johnny PeePants. Even when the rabbit gets his own Trix cereal, these snot-nosed punks pop out of a bush and steal his cereal. I can't wait for the Trix rabbit to partner up with the killer bunny from Montey Python: "Silly, rabbit. Trix ar...GYYYAAAHHHH" *bunny rips out jugular*

Apple Jacks

Every commercial, an adult will remind a group of long-haired, pseudo-rebellious kids that their cereal doesn't even taste like apples. The kids brush him off and say that they eat what they like. Essentially what their saying is that they'll fall for any simple marketing ploy. I doubt those Menudo rejects would scarf down that shit if they found out it was really just sugar and wheat by-products.

Cocoa Puffs/Sugar Crisp/Corn Pops

I decided to group these four together because they all allude to the same social problem. Whenever I hear any of their catch phrases, I can't help but be reminded of a cocaine addict. I'll be honest, I like cereal; it's pretty healthy, it's satisfying and it doesn't take long to make. However, a lack of cereal will never cause me to go "cuckoo" nor will I break out into sweat since "I've gotta have my pops." If your sugar/crack addicted kids try to come near my kids, I'll gun them down before they get within 10 yards. No kid of mine will turn into a puffed wheat peddler.

Cap'n Crunch

Cap'n Crunch commercials always start with a bunch of kids being treated unfairly by an adult. Mr. Crunch then shows up and transports them to a colorful world of berries. Now tell me how exactly this isn't exactly like a bunch of slacker popping some LSD to escape the drudgery of a mundane life? Here's a newsflash for you, Paul McCartney Jr., escaping reality won't help you with your problems. Quit poppin' crunch berries, get yourself a job and stop leeching off society.

Necessary Absurdities

As I sit here on the floor, casually typing at 1 in the morning, I begin to think what people need. In our western society, we all have very similar social needs that make no sense whatsoever. For example, we all need:

A VICTIM TO SYMPATHIZE - Whether it be the people in Darfur or cancer patients, everyone has a spot in their heart reserved for those less fortunate. As long as humans populate this planet, there will be an infinite source of pity.

AN ENEMY TO BLAME - Whatever the case be, people rarely blame themselves. Someone can and will always be scapegoated for all the world's problems. It seems as if the world has made their enemy George W. Bush. Whatever he choses to do is automatically considered stupid and the logical course of action would be to run in the opposite direction. By the principle of "my enemy's enemy is my friend", many have supported Gore in his poorly acted farce. FYI: the left were the first to start problems in the middle east. Jimmy Carter supported the ayatollah. You can thank the ayatollah for the radical Islamic terrorism to which we are privy today.

A PHENOMENA TO FEAR - Whether it be carcinogens, global warming or the Lord Almighty, everyone has been instilled with some sort of fear. Without fear, our race would live in a hedonistic, anarchistic, state of nature. Everyone needs something to fear. Should they lack the sense or creativity to develop their own fears, the media will graciously step in and provide a few sleepless nights to those in need of a good scare.

AN IDOL TO WORSHIP - Some choose to entrust their belief in the G-d others claim that such an act is foolish. Follow these people around long enough and you'll find their idol(s). In vanity, some chose to worship themselves as they grace their eyes upon what they see in the mirror. Some chose to follow politics and entrust their faith in another to lead them and guide them. Personally, I chose my religion overall since I don't feel that any tangible being in this universe is complete enough in itself to be worthy of idolization.

More to come as I ponder...

The Inconvenient Truth Isn’t So Truthful

It seems that I’m beginning to recover from the stress induced aneurisms with which I was overcome after having seen “An Inconvenient Truth.” Many people are jumping on the global warming bandwagon after having seen this film and I would like to present the flip side of this coin; even though it’s only towards a small population.

Let’s start with the poor, innocent polar bears we see in the movie. Mr. Gore claims that the melting ice in the Arctic is causing the bears to lose their hunting grounds and natural habitat. A recent study done by the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) has reported that the polar bear population is generally stable and, in some instances, increasing. To add more drama, the movie presents the ghastly fact that polar bears have been resorting to cannibalism. In case no one knew, polar bears have always resorted to cannibalism. It’s not uncommon for a male polar bear to find a youngin’ with its mother and make a quick meal of it. It’s not always easy standing by a whole and waiting for a seal to pop out.

It’s not a matter of rejecting the facts presented; rather, trying to see the whole picture. As an example of global warming, Gore takes the example of the European heat wave in 2003 that claimed several thousand lives. The little tidbit that wasn’t mentioned was that a very similar heat wave was also experienced in 1921 in France with the same “record highs”.

Another huge fear is that the Antarctic will melt and cause devastating floods, especially in Florida (oh no! where will we vacation?). The inconvenient truth that many were told is that the western part of the Antarctic is warming. The more convenient truth is that the eastern part, which is about ten times bigger, is cooling and getting thicker. A study released in 2003 shows that the East Antarctica has gained 45 billion tons of ice. Not as scary as previously thought.

One of the big terms thrown around was CO2 emissions. One of the major guilt factors is that we are creating carbon dioxide, a greenhouse gas, which is warming our planet. Al Gore even has a nifty little graph that shows a link between our temperature and the CO2 emissions. The graphs that you weren’t shown were those linking solar winds and sun spots to the CO2. Isn’t it a tad weird that Gore never mentioned that perhaps our planet is being warmed by the sun? Our sun’s cosmic ray patterns actually closely matched that of CO2 emission; leading many scientists to believe that our massive sun is probably the cause of this warming trend. Instead, the notion of manmade CO2 emissions is driven in with data going back some 360,000 years. This may seem impressive, but scientists have already gone back further and have discovered that CO2 emissions used to be twelve times greater than they are now and the average global temperature was two degrees cooler.

The general populous seem to think that the majority of scientists agree with this notion of global warming. Professor Bob Carter of the Marine Geophysical Laboratory at James Cook University said to the Canadian Free Press: “Gore's circumstantial arguments are so weak that they are pathetic. It is simply incredible that they, and his film, are commanding public attention.”

The decision is up to you. You have the choice to look deeper and continue researching the real facts. On the other hand, you can also continue believing Mr. Gore; whose Nashville mansion’s electricity consumption is more than twenty times the national average. Physician, heal thyself.