Thursday, December 25, 2008

Sorry to Disappoint: Christmas is Pagan...lolz

It's Christmas day! Let's wake mom and dad up into a hangover and run our urine soaked PJs down the stairs to open our Playstations, Wiis and other battery operated sexual devices! What better time to write a Christmas article than Christmas day? Families are gathering together around the fireplace and following rituals which they know nothing about. I'm not trying to make enemies with this article, but the fact of the matter is, many of the Christmas traditions aren't accurate and most aren't even Christian. Ironic, huh? So with a jug full of jolly egg nog, lets jet through the fallacies of this yule tide spirit.

Jesus wasn't born in December
Despite the popular notion of Jesus being born in a manger in December, Jesus was more likely born sometime between April and October.
"Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields,keeping watch over their flock by night" (Luke 2:8). The flocks weren't out in the field at night during the winter months; it was too cold. Nowhere does the New Testament hint towards Jesus being born in the winter.

Why December 25th?
The Christian religion never celebrates a popular figure's birth, only their death. So why the popularization of December 25th as the celebration as Christ's birth? It just so happens that, Saturnalia, a Roman celebration worshiping Saturn, occurs in December. The Church, trying to find a way to be accepted by the Pagans around them, decided to also create a celebration in the middle of the winter. The result of this assimilation is the Christmas we know today. According to Persian Pagans, December 25th marks the birth of Mithra, the sun god. His birth would bring light to the dark days of the winter solstice. It was only until the 4th century that the Christian Church announced that, despite what's clearly written in the bible, Jesus' birthday falls on the same day as Mithra's.

Yule log
The term "yule" comes from the Norse god of fertility "Jule." The heartwarming tradition of gathering around the fireplace is based on a Scandinavian Norse/Pagan winter solstice ritual. This involves burning a large tree trunk for 12 days (hence the 12 days of Christmas). The log is a phallic symbol. Over the course of the 12 days, people an animals are burnt as an offering to Saturn. That's one practice I follow, however; I sacrifice many virgins on my yule log - HIGH FIVE!

Christmas Tree
The Christmas tree, like the yule log, is a phallic/fertility symbol. Pagans saw trees as sacred and bringing them into the home brought their holiness into your household. Once chopped and brought into the house, the tree was worshipped as an idol. Now here's the kicker - a few lines from the old testament: "Thus said the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them: For the customs of the people are vain: for one cuts a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the ax: They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not....Be not afraid of them; for they cannot do evil, neither also is it in them to do good." (Jeremiah 10:2-5) how creepy is that? Even the Bible warns against the Christmas tree tradition.

Santa Claus
Santa Claus is a composition of several sources, mainly the following:
Odin - The pagan thunder god. He flew over the cities and decided who would live and who would die
St. Nicholas - The patron saint of sailors, prostitutes, children, merchants, the falsely accused, pawnbrokers and repentant thieves. He was said to have captured the devil and used the devil as his hired muscle. If the child was good, they'd receive presents, otherwise, they'd get whips. Ah, those were the good ol' days. No such thing as a spoiled brat getting his Xbox 360. If you were bad, you got flogging that scarred your ass back into shape.
The writings of Clement Clark Moore eventually made the image of Santa that we know today. The devil became the reindeer we know today and any religious connotations were erased.

The Puritans who came to the New World sought to rid themselves of Christmas as we know it. They wanted to create a society based purely on Christian traditions, free of Pagan influence. Instead, Christians chose to celebrate Christmas, holiday based almost purely on Pagan traditions and whose Christian roots are slim. I'm sorry to have taken away from your most holy of times...but it's really not your holy time. Nothing happened in December. I'm not refuting Christianity as a religion, simply pointing out a fallacy that's been perpetuated for about 1700 years now.

The part that pulls my pubes about all this is that children are blatantly lied to about Santa Claus. Eventually, all kids grow up and learn that Santa is a myth and their parents don't even know where he came from. All mommy and daddy know is that their parents lied to them in just the same way. So has it been for generations. Now who's the real Grinch?

So when it all boils down, there's absolutely no reason to flood my radio with crappy gospel music, no reason to bring candy cane flavored coffee to my cafe, no reason to interrupt my morning cartoon rituals with play doh Christmas animations and no reason to contribute to deforestation just so you can bring a large mock penis into your living room. If you're so eager to have a sex symbol in your house, I'm free weekends
after 3.

Friday, December 19, 2008


It's been a while since I've written a decent "how to" article, hasn't it? I've been overcome with ads and useless posts. Well the era of ad posts seems to be coming to an end. Payperpost, the company that would assign me advertisements, has just booted me from their community. Let me tell you how great it is to write advertisements that drop your pagerank to 0 only to later be booted from their system and not be able to use your blog to publish anything else. The part that really screws you over is that PayPerPost does not allow for "no follow" tags in your links. Google really doesn't appreciate people selling links because it throws off their pagerank system. So once Google catches you with your pants down, you better bring a tub of vasoline, 'cause your about to be screwed long and hard. So, to sum up my emotions, Payperpost sucks. They used me like a Czechoslovakian prostitute and didn't even have the courtesy to finish off with a happy ending.

The way things look now, I think the only ads you'll be seeing are Google's ads on the right of this page (see it???). I am not allowed to solicit clicks for these ads, so I won't. I can't purposly ask you to click on the ads if you appreciate my content just so that I can generate a profit because that would violate the terms of service.

That's what's going on with this blog now. More quality content is on the way. Lates sucka.