Friday, August 31, 2007

Bathroom Emergencies

You will visit the toilet about 2,500 times in your life. Have you every read any safety tips? People that fly in a plane once a year will still look at the "in case of emergency" brochure. Would you be prepared if, when on the crapper, you suddenly fell into the water and discover that you seat CANNOT be used as a flotation device? I've compiled a list of toilet techniques one should not be without.

I'll start with the emergency procedures. I'm sure that you've once dropped a mega deuce that plugged the toilet and cause the water to rise. It's at times like this that most people re-kindle their religion and pray. "Oh God, please no" they'll say in hopes that the water won't reach the brim and cause the sewer rats to fall onto the floor. In cases like this, you must quickly remove the cover on the toilet tank and lift the balloon shaped thing. This will stop the water flow to the bowl and give you a chance to recover from shock and plunge the problem.

Every so often, it happens. Someone uses the last of the toilet paper and leaves you high and dry...well...not so dry. Here's a quick list of what to do in such an emergency.
  • Should you find yourself at home, you could take a quick jump into the shower and use it as a standing bidet. When stuck in a public facility, the situation become a tad stickier.
  • Though it may not be as pleasant, the cardboard roll itself may be unrolled and used as a makeshift piece of tp. Wetting it first may make the situation slightly more bearable but you then risk devastating rips at the most inopportune times when wiping to abrasively.
  • When in a public restroom, you might be lucky enough to have paper towels near the sink. A mad commando dash with minimal thigh swiping might be in order. Such a lifeline isn't available for bathrooms with those blow jobby hand dryers.
  • The final option is a last resort. In moments of sheer desperation, one may remove their underwear and use it to clean the required area. It's not a pretty picture but in instances of toilet warfare, not everything can be hibiscus and lilacs.

When in the wilderness and without the luxury of a toilet, potty techniques aren't the habituated norm.

  • Your standard leisurely dump will require you to find a firmly rooted tree. Grab hold of the tree with both hands then pop a large squat. In this position you can defecate efficiently without worrying about mudding yourself. The sensation is quite different from what you may be used to at home.
  • In some instances, you may not want you poop to be smelled. This could be because you don't want to attract predators and enemies, or because you don't want to scare off prey or your friends with the nasty stench. In cases like these, dig a toilet bowl size hole in the ground. Lie down with your butt over the hole and do your do. When finished, burying your dirty work is quick and easy.
Following these instructions will ensure survival in any location in which you chose to defecate. Don't hesitate to post comments or questions about any additional toilet matters. I'm an experienced veteran in the field.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

How to Lie About (Almost) Anything

A lot of the "how to" guides on the internet are useful, but some aren't particularly fun. Lying can be thrilling if your dumb ass doesn't screw it up. Here are some rules to live by when it comes to fibbing.

Dumb it down - Try not to use big words when lying. If your sentences are structured in a sophisticated manner and your vocabulary is not your ordinary one, people will realize that your thinking extra hard about the exact words that are coming out of your mouth and will catch on to your farce.

Avoid/Maintain Eye Contact
- Avoiding eye contact will show that your lying as you're trying to gather your thoughts and can't bear to look at the person to whom your lying. Alternatively, maintaining a strong and steady eye contact can screw you over just the same. A gaze (especially a suspicious one) is a very intense stimulus and puts added pressure on you when you're lying. So how does one avoid both problems? Stare at your victim between the eyes or, better yet, focus your gaze just above their left eye. People tend to look up and to the left when they're recalling a memory and up and to the right when they're construction one. This has to do with the hemispheres of the brain but I don't want to get into that.

Shut Up and Speak Up - Being too quiet and being too talkative are both signs of a liar. A quiet composure will make you seem like your trying to end the conversation as you realize that your stuck in a lie and can't make anything up. On the other hand, talking too much makes you seem like you're overcompensating and are trying to talk your way out of the lie (similar to buying your way out of a bluff in poker). To stay in the safe zone, be firm about your facts but don't over indulge.

For example this is a bad lie:
"Where did you go this weekend?"
"I hit up club Vatican"
"No you didn't. I was there and didn't see you."
"I left early because I was feeling sick from all the alcohol. I decided to call a cab before the party started"

This is a better one:
"Where did you go this weekend?"
"I hit up club Vatican"
"No you didn't. I was there and didn't see you."
"I left early because I was feeling sick"
"From what?"
"Too much alcohol"
"Who drove you then?"
"I called a cab before the party started and the streets got crowded up."

Even if you have a whole story made up, hold onto it. Letting the information go as it's asked gives the impression that the answers are impromptu and honest.

Hands off - The trickiest thing to control in a lie is your hands. Once you're conscious about your hand placement, you won't know where to put them. Crossing your arms creates a makeshift barrier and is a telltale sign of a liar. Touching the face is another big no-no. Instead, you could put them on your waist or relaxed to your sides. Always have them in full view. For those that know what to look for in a liar, the hand gestures can be an easy giveaway.

Pay Attention to Detail - Giving minute, insignificant details is a good way of convincing a person. If you show that you can retell such an anecdotal part of the story, then surely it must be real. Never leave the details open ended because you never know when a follow up question could be thrown your way and throw you off guard.

Watch for Traps - In cases when your victim thinks they have caught you in a lie, they will ask you to re-state a point you made earlier so that they may catch you in a clear cut lie. Be extremely careful, this could bust your whole act. Before repeating a statement already made, think about what they are asking and if they might be able to call you on it.

Trapped Example:

"You say you left the club at 8:30?"
"That's impossible, I was standing outside the club at 8:30"

Near Miss Example:
"You say you left the club at 8:30?"
"I think I did, I was too drunk to accurately guess the time"
"Ah, I see."

A person that has fully bought on to what you are saying will never re-ask a point that they have clearly understood. Don't mistake this for a nice recovery. You still screwed up and now you're just lessening the damage it causes. You're going to need to sound pretty convincing to win back their trust.

Hopefully, if you keep these ideas in mind, you should be able to survive this world full of weasels (of which you are now a part). Enjoy.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Say cheese...or not

When taking pictures with people, it's inevitable that someone will whip out the stupid kissy face. I prefer to smile for my photos and not look mentally handicapped for 1/500th of a second. After much pondering, I think I found some good reasons as to why so many people seem to be drawn to this making this face.
  • The cheeks become sucked in and the face gets a slimmer appearance.
  • The tongue is forced to the top of the mouth causing more streamline neck and less double chins
  • The the contraction of muscles around the mouth cause the muscles around the eyes to loosen up and attract more attention to the eye. Studies show that the eyes are the first thing a guy looks at on a woman (suprising, huh?)
  • Bad teeth are hidden without looking silly...well...without looking silly in a socially unacceptable way. I still think this face looks stupid
  • The lips are instantly given a fuller appearance. Bigger lips are more attractive (i.e. collagen implants)
I don't think we'll be seeing the end of the kissy face epidemic anytime soon. This wildfire is only beginning to catch on. You'd think someone would see a picture of themselves like this and think "wow, I look retarded." Rather, people see it an say to themselves "omg, facebook pic!" You make me sick you fat sacks of crap.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Ultra Bullshit

Sometimes marketing ploys are so stupid that they just annoy me. Once upon a time, the only dish soap was a tall bottle of green stuff. Now, I guess soap companies revised their formulas and produced "ultra soap" (ie: dawn ultra, palmolive ultra). This led to small, more expensive containers. The companies didn't want to turn people off of the newer soaps, so they started feeding cinsumers this bullshit about only needing a teaspoon per sink load. I bought that hunk of crap...for a bit, and tried doing a sink load with only one squirt. The soap might be able to degrease if it didn't fucking dissolve like dish soaps do. Today when I went to grab the dish soap at work, I see that it's the exact same tall bottle of green stuff except it says "ultra" fucking thing! Obviously they realized that one squirt isn't cutting it for anyone. So we're back to using the same amount of soap but are paying double for it because it's a new ultra formula.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

How to Slack Off at the Office

Many people find themselves stuck in an 8:30 to 5 routine. Day after day they are forced to sit in front of a monitor and monotonously type away. For those about to explode, I have a series of tips to regain your sanity with sneaky ways of taking a little bit of a break.

Camouflaged News - Let's say you want reading your favorite news feed. It's pretty clear that the boss won't be happy if walks by and glances at your screen only to find CNN open. Instead, copy the text of the article into a MS Word file with the company letter head. This way, you can engage your concentration into the story while looking like your focused on proof reading some work.

Double Up Explorer - It's inevitable that someone will pass by while you're aimlessly surfing the net at work. However, when you rush to minimize the IE window, you might not notice that the title can still be seen on the taskbar. To avoid potential embarrassment, open up a second internet window. If you have enough windows open, Windows XP will group the IE windows together and will hide the individual titles. If dealing with Firefox, open a tab with a more business related tab. Befor you minimize, click the work tab and the more appropriate title will be displayed.

Cover Your Tracks - The most important thing you should remember is to cover your tracks. This means open your internet options and clear the history, cookies and temporary files. It's all too easy for your boss to check up on your leisure surfing when you history is left intact.

Be Clairvoyant - If you hear someone coming, close your window and start doing something right away. This may sound obvious but you'd be surprised at how many people will wait until they know that the passerby in coming to them before they'll close their widows. Suddenly starting a new task when someone comes in is highly suspicious. Instead, start holding a paper in each hand. Holding 1 paper makes you look like you just picked it up to look busy. By holding two papers, you appear to be actively comparing them.

Be Colorblind - Webpages with colors and pictures immediately attract attention. Professional slackers might disable pictures from their browsers in the advanced internet settings.

Office Sprints - If you're reading this then you're probably already a slacker. If I just hit then nail on the head, the remember to never walk slowly and look around as you walk through the office. Even, when going to talk to someone, try to look busy and focused on the way. Should the boss real want an update, he'll jot 1 sentence at you and expect a quick answer on the go. Should you dilly dally, the boss will see you have very little important tasks and engage you in a conversation about your progress and guage your productivity.

Screens Saver Life Saver - If your destop is so overrun with windows that you simply can't hide, keep your display settings open. When an intruder enters the room, click the "preview" button on your screensaver then dive into your paperwork. This will make it look like you've been doing that task for at least 5 minutes now and haven't touched your computer.

Alt+Tab - For those that don't already know, pressing alt+tab will scroll you to the next window. This is an easy way of switching back to an appropriate screen without an obvious rushed mouse click. Alternatively, Alt+F4 will close the current window.

That's all for now folks. Keep up the good work...or lack thereof.

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Necessary Absurdities

As I sit here on the floor, casually typing at 1 in the morning, I begin to think what people need. In our western society, we all have very similar social needs that make no sense whatsoever. For example, we all need:

A VICTIM TO SYMPATHIZE - Whether it be the people in Darfur or cancer patients, everyone has a spot in their heart reserved for those less fortunate. As long as humans populate this planet, there will be an infinite source of pity.

AN ENEMY TO BLAME - Whatever the case be, people rarely blame themselves. Someone can and will always be scapegoated for all the world's problems. It seems as if the world has made their enemy George W. Bush. Whatever he choses to do is automatically considered stupid and the logical course of action would be to run in the opposite direction. By the principle of "my enemy's enemy is my friend", many have supported Gore in his poorly acted farce. FYI: the left were the first to start problems in the middle east. Jimmy Carter supported the ayatollah. You can thank the ayatollah for the radical Islamic terrorism to which we are privy today.

A PHENOMENA TO FEAR - Whether it be carcinogens, global warming or the Lord Almighty, everyone has been instilled with some sort of fear. Without fear, our race would live in a hedonistic, anarchistic, state of nature. Everyone needs something to fear. Should they lack the sense or creativity to develop their own fears, the media will graciously step in and provide a few sleepless nights to those in need of a good scare.

AN IDOL TO WORSHIP - Some choose to entrust their belief in the G-d others claim that such an act is foolish. Follow these people around long enough and you'll find their idol(s). In vanity, some chose to worship themselves as they grace their eyes upon what they see in the mirror. Some chose to follow politics and entrust their faith in another to lead them and guide them. Personally, I chose my religion overall since I don't feel that any tangible being in this universe is complete enough in itself to be worthy of idolization.

More to come as I ponder...

The Inconvenient Truth Isn’t So Truthful

It seems that I’m beginning to recover from the stress induced aneurisms with which I was overcome after having seen “An Inconvenient Truth.” Many people are jumping on the global warming bandwagon after having seen this film and I would like to present the flip side of this coin; even though it’s only towards a small population.

Let’s start with the poor, innocent polar bears we see in the movie. Mr. Gore claims that the melting ice in the Arctic is causing the bears to lose their hunting grounds and natural habitat. A recent study done by the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) has reported that the polar bear population is generally stable and, in some instances, increasing. To add more drama, the movie presents the ghastly fact that polar bears have been resorting to cannibalism. In case no one knew, polar bears have always resorted to cannibalism. It’s not uncommon for a male polar bear to find a youngin’ with its mother and make a quick meal of it. It’s not always easy standing by a whole and waiting for a seal to pop out.

It’s not a matter of rejecting the facts presented; rather, trying to see the whole picture. As an example of global warming, Gore takes the example of the European heat wave in 2003 that claimed several thousand lives. The little tidbit that wasn’t mentioned was that a very similar heat wave was also experienced in 1921 in France with the same “record highs”.

Another huge fear is that the Antarctic will melt and cause devastating floods, especially in Florida (oh no! where will we vacation?). The inconvenient truth that many were told is that the western part of the Antarctic is warming. The more convenient truth is that the eastern part, which is about ten times bigger, is cooling and getting thicker. A study released in 2003 shows that the East Antarctica has gained 45 billion tons of ice. Not as scary as previously thought.

One of the big terms thrown around was CO2 emissions. One of the major guilt factors is that we are creating carbon dioxide, a greenhouse gas, which is warming our planet. Al Gore even has a nifty little graph that shows a link between our temperature and the CO2 emissions. The graphs that you weren’t shown were those linking solar winds and sun spots to the CO2. Isn’t it a tad weird that Gore never mentioned that perhaps our planet is being warmed by the sun? Our sun’s cosmic ray patterns actually closely matched that of CO2 emission; leading many scientists to believe that our massive sun is probably the cause of this warming trend. Instead, the notion of manmade CO2 emissions is driven in with data going back some 360,000 years. This may seem impressive, but scientists have already gone back further and have discovered that CO2 emissions used to be twelve times greater than they are now and the average global temperature was two degrees cooler.

The general populous seem to think that the majority of scientists agree with this notion of global warming. Professor Bob Carter of the Marine Geophysical Laboratory at James Cook University said to the Canadian Free Press: “Gore's circumstantial arguments are so weak that they are pathetic. It is simply incredible that they, and his film, are commanding public attention.”

The decision is up to you. You have the choice to look deeper and continue researching the real facts. On the other hand, you can also continue believing Mr. Gore; whose Nashville mansion’s electricity consumption is more than twenty times the national average. Physician, heal thyself.



So this is how it starts, huh? Hopefully I won't post twice and get bored of this like most of my projects. Hopefully this blog will get through to some people and keep them two steps ahead of the game's bullshit. Enjoy.