Brightstorm - almost as good as beating your teen

If there's one thing I can't stand it's a dumb teenager. Their parents consider driving their kids to hockey in an Escalade and buying them a Wii Fit as good parenting. Unfortunately, your job as a parent doesn't end just because Timmy's sugar rush died down and he's not smoking pot yet. It's your job to make your kid the smartest in the class. Unless you live in community-oriented semi-communist tribe, the world is highly competitive and, in order to be successful, your kid needs to every advantage he/she can get. I've seen too many of my classmates in high school flunk certain key classes and it ruined, what would have been, a very promising program in college. That's why you have to start now. There's an site called Brightstorm. It's a full video tutorial system that'll help your flunking teen with all the high school subjects of your choice. It's relatively inexpensive ($49 per course) and, in my opinion, totally worth it. Even now, I'm searching YouTube if they just might have the topic with which I'm having trouble. With Brightstorm there's no risk. Just sit your teen in front of the comp and for half an hour, instead of looking up porn, you kid will learn geometry from a teacher who was born this century, using dynamic illustrations that are much better than the usual drilling and grilling from the textbook.

How to Find Deals on the Web

So you're the type of person that will spend an extra day shopping around just to save a couple of bucks and, when you do, you feel so proud of yourself. Do I have you pegged? Of course I do. I'm the all-knowing. Whenever you see an item in the store you say to yourself: "Meh, I can get it for half the price online. The only problem is that, even though it is online. You can't find it and you never end up getting that item. Well that's all about to change now that I teach you the ways of the cyber bargain hunter.

1) Deal Extreme - Your first rule for finding that random trinket you just have to have is checking Deal Extreme. There you'll find cheap items direct from China. With free shipping also, your new USB key will only run you 5 bucks.

2) eBay tricks - You obviously know how to search up an item on eBay. Even you can figure that out. The tough part is finding the good deals. Occasionally, sellers will make typos in their listings. The result is that their listing doesn't turn up in searches. That's where you come in and nab the auction with little to no competition using www.missing-auctions.com . This free site allows you to search for typos on eBay. Another tactic for getting a low price is sniping. Sniping means you wait until the last minute and 30 seconds before the end of the auction, you place a bid, giving your opponents little time to react. A good program for that is Baygenie auction sniper.

3) Shopwiki - Sometimes you just don't have the time to shop around for the lowest price online. That's why you'd make your work easier by using ShopWiki. I, for example, am trying to find a pair of all-terrain skates. When I searched it up on Shopwiki, I easily found the lowest online price. Afterwards, I'm probably going to decorate my room with some cool samurai shit. You can pretty much find anything there. If you search up Kitchen and Dining, you'll find things there much cheaper than home outfitters.

4) Smart Canucks - Sometimes, the cheapest way to get something is to get it for free. Smart Canucks is a forum where Canadians share freebie offers, hot deals and coupons they've found online. So far, I've gotten iPod travel chargers, t-shirts, dog treats, and more. It's definitely worth checking out if you're a cheapass.

Forget horses, Asians are the new thing to bet on

ScreenLife Games is at it again. They launched a new Banzai game. Check it out:
Does anyone remember that show Banzai that was on TV? You'd bet on the Asians doing tho most random things: who can eat rice faster, who can go on an excercise bike longer etc. Now there's a DVD of it. I suppose you can watch it only once, but it's still quite fun. Traditionally, you're supposed to bet on the outcome. I don't see why you wouldn't just turn it into a drinking game for you and your buddies. It could be quite entertaining. Online, they have lots of fun downloads and games to promote their new DVD like an online Tamagotchi-like character: Tako-gotchi. There's a pic of m lil guy to the right. I think he's eating little teddy bears in sushi rolls...kind of odd. Takogotchi has it’s own myspace page. If you still can't figure out the easy concept of betting on Asians, there's a how to play guide on the website. If this souns like something you might be interested in, you can purchase Banzai online. Even if you sit at home with and watch it with your mom and a big bowl of her homemade mac & cheese, it's still very fun to watch. Lates, Suckas.

How to Make Money Through Blog Advertising

As dumb as you guys all are, I'm sure that even you've noticed that my whole blog is littered with ads. I won't lie; I enjoy making money off of my blog and I'm sure you'd like to do the same with your two-bit internet operations. That's why, being the generous and caring individual that i am, I'll let you in on the best ways to monetize your blog and end up with some extra do re mi in your paypal account.

Blogsvertise - I'd say that this is your #1 starting point when it comes to advertising in your blog. They're the most accepting of n00b, pagerank 0 bloggers. Advertisements get assigned to you by Blogsvertise as well as chosen by you from a "grab bag" of tasks rejected by other bloggers. You'll start of making 2-5 bucks per advertisement, but what do you expect when you barely have any visitors? Later one, you'll be seeing $10-$15 per advertisement with the potential to earn up to $50 per 75 word article.

Sponsored Reviews - This site has a slightly different format. Instead of being offered a wage for your articles, you approach companies with bids and your money making depends on whether or not they accept the offer. What sucks hardest about this site is that they take a nice big cut of your profits so you don't end up making anywhere near the amount you would at

ReviewMe - This site, like blogsvertise, will assign you tasks but it's less reliable. There is no ideal grab bag feature and you could go months between tasks. Keep this site on your back burner.

PayPerPost - This is the site of which I originally wanted to be a part when I decided that i want to get paid to blog. PayPerPost will supply you with a nice long list of advertisers of which you can choose. I'll warn you now that many of them don't appreciate Blogspot as your blog host. Either way, if you have a high enough pagerank, PayPerPost is where you'll start making, on average, $20 per post but, as you get bigger, you could be seeing payouts as high as $150+. It is rather tough to get accepted by them, however. Before accepting you, they'll want to see 10 original, substancial posts within the past 30 days. If you're someone who writes nice, beefy articles, this can be somewhat of a daunting task. For those of you who wimp out and just blog a single line about how you hate your conformist parents or resent the Starbucks corporation, it might be a tad easier to spit out 10 annoying, generic posts.

Blogging Ads - I've yet to receive any assignments from this site. You can try your luck, but I regret wasting time on this.

LoudLaunch - These shnitheads took forever to get back to me and when they finally did, they rejected me. I don't really know why. Their loss. Maybe I'll waste some more time on them a bit later, but I doubt it.

In all these recommendations, I'm assuming you have a rather small and budding blog. If this is the case, then banners and AdSense aren't worth your time. You're not really generating enough traffic to see any profit from these tools. If you're looking to make money off pop-up ads, you're going to have a tough time getting accepted by pop-up ad companies since they have a high standard when it comes to the traffic on the sites they accept.

On a final note, blog advertisement, apart from selling crap on eBay, is the only instance when I made significant money with my online shenanigans. Paid surveys, paid friends networks, paid internet surfing and free Xbox/PS3/Wii programs are all scams and are definitely not worth your time. There's no easy money anywhere on the internet. Don't let any pop-up or banner convince you otherwise. Also, don't let anyone convince you that you're, in any way, equal to me. I'll always be better than you in every way imaginable. I'll always be there to take your women and pee in your toilet tank so that when you flush, pee comes out. Lates, suckas.

7 ways to prevent heart failure

Let's face it, you're not a young buck anymore. You have to start watching your health. The days of being up all night partying and drinking are behind you and the most the thing that would give you the most thrill right now is outliving all you friends. That's why I'm going to help you out with some tips on how to prevent heart failure.

1) Whole Wheat Breakfast - Starting the day with a whole wheat cereal will reduce the risk of heart failure. To qualify as "whole grain" a breakfast cereal must contain at least 25% oat or bran.

2) Excercise - Getting off your couch and taking a brisk 30 minute walk can reduce your risk of heart disease by up to 50%. I think that's well worth it.

3) Stop Smoking - It's obvious that smoking will cause you heart problems further down the road. If you really want to be healthy, kick the habit. Otherwise, enjoy your stinky breath, yellow teeth and black lungs.

4) Booze it up - Once a day, it's actually beneficial to have either a glass of red wine, a light beer or a shot of tequila. Each has its own clinically proven benefits. Including heart disease prevention and cancer prevention.

5) Apples and Oranges - Having coffee every day can make you jittery and raise your stress levels. Stress can eventually lead to heart problems. An apple alone will do a better job of waking you up in the morning. When coupled with an orange, you ensure yourself a great boost for the morning.

6) Enter Sandman - Getting the right hours of sleep will reduce stress and help your body maintain itself more efficiently. Staying up late and sleeping in on weekends doesn't count as getting the right hours. Your body reserves 10 pm to 7 am for deep sleep. Those are the hours you want to target in order to get the full benefit of your slumber.

7) Pill Popping - Taking a baby aspirin daily, surprisingly enough, can lower you risk of heart failure. Aspirin thins out your blood and, in the process, will prevent the formation of clots. Be careful not to take an adult aspirin daily as it could lead to potentially serious bleeding.

There's no guarantee you'll be as healthy as me, even after all these steps. Still, it doesn't hurt to strive to be as much like me as you physically can. No matter what you do, heart failure is still a risk in your older years. Should the day come that you have a heart attack and you have to be defibrillated, you better cross your fingers that it's not part of a defibrillator recall too many people die from faulty defibrillators. On the bright side, if you live to tell the tail, you can make yourself a pretty little lawsuit. Keep healthy, you fat shlub.

How to Catch a Bluff

I play poker every now and then and I'll be the first to admit that I know very little about the game. I just barely know the rules and when it comes to calculating odds, I'm pretty much braindead. How is it that I manage to win all the time and you're losing all your money? Because I never play my own hand, I play everyone else's. Here's a quick way how you can be just like me and milk the bluffers and avoid the big hands. Eventually you'll know how to win at poker (this line, in case you didn't notice, is to hook google searchers).

Eye contact - A bluffer will make very little eye contact since, subconsciously, they feel bad about lying about their hands. When they're hesitant to look people in the eye and sometimes look at objects, that's you're first cue to start raising.

Hand position - When your opponent puts his hands together in front of him, it could be another indication that he's lying. His hands are subconsciously a protection for him since he's afraid that he might be caught.

Check frequency - Someone with pocket aces will only need to look at their hand once. You have to be pretty stupid to forget that you're holding pocket aces. People with shit hands will constantly look back to see if there's any possibility that they might have overseen a possibility. If your opponent looks at his hand 3 or more times, it's safe to say that his confidence is wavering.

Beer behaviour - When sitting around a table in your parents basement playing cards (like you usually do, the ultimate tell can be the beer. After your opponent checks his hand, watch closely what he does with his beer. If he immediately takes a sip and puts it down without hesitation, he's feeling pretty good about himself and you should back off. If, however, you notice that he holds his beer and doesn't drink from it right away or drinks and then fiddles with the label, it's apparent that he's worried about the hand he just saw. If you want to get him to fold out, now would be a good time to scare him off with a high bid.

Calculators - Some people are able to really work out the odds of the deck and can calculate their chances of winning. You should never mistake this for insecurity. Too many people will mistake the calculation for insecurity when, in reality, human calculator are more even more confident after their calculation pause. How can you tell if the hesitation isn't calculation? Once again, it depends on his check frequency. If he checks his cards often, he's not calculating, he's looking for any possible opening for his crappy hand.

If you don't have any friends, you can always play poker online at Full Tilt Poker. Their special offer now is their Full Tilt Poker referral code. I'm assuming this Full Tilt Bonus will let you spend even more money on poker. No matter what PokerStars Bonus Code you use, it doesn't compare to taking your friends money and using it to buy cookie dough ice cream and 2,000 chicken nuggets. It's important to remember that no method is concrete and will work all the time. The method you should be dying to find is one that works MOST of the time. As long as it works more often that it doesn't, you're turning a profit. I know I'll gamble responsibly, and I hope you will too...unless you play against me. In that case, have a bus pass on you because I'll be driving your car home, sucka. Lates

Lightbulbs Are Your Friend

I saw a commercial the other day (I'll post it here if I find it on YouTube). This commercial showed a girl telling her dad about choosing fluorescent light bulbs of incandescent ones. According to the narrator, she had learned this "green" technique from a "go green" representative that came to her school. Does it not strike anyone as the least bit suspicious that children are being indoctrinated with this mountain of shit we know as the green movement? There is still debate as to whether or not man's actions are the reason for climate change. It wasn't long ago that Hitler youth were brainwashed into believing the Nazi ideals. Now we're creating a new generation who is afraid of the world coming to an end and, in order to save the world, we have to invest in the green movement. I was convinced that brainwashing on such a large scale wouldn't happen again since people have learned their lesson since then, but I forgot how fucking blind Americans are. What else should I expect from a nation of which 20% of the population doesn't know that the earth revolves around the sun.

So I will continue to buy my non-green light fixtures and I won't listen to Al Gore, whose Nashville mansion consumes 10 times more electricity than the standard home. I'm going to buy the highest wattage chandeliers and ceiling light fixtures and you're going to continue spending a fortune on "energy-friendly" light bulbs. Do you know why? Because I don't believe everything a 2-minute commercial and a single, crappy "documentary" tells me. You, on the other hand, are a sheep. You'll go wherever you're herded will ultimately end up squeezed dry. The only way out of this grim fate is to hire me as your personal digital mentor and send me $5 a month via paypal. Could you really afford not to?

Valentine Gift Crisis? De L'Au Dela

Valentine's day is just around the corner and I know you lazy bums are looking for something to get your sweetheart at the last minute. I know what you're thinking: flowers and chocolates will have you covered...yeah, nothing says I love you like cleaved flora and love handles in a box.
In case you didn't detect my sarcasm, it's time to get your love something a bit more original. That's where De L'au Dela comes in. The phrase De L'Au Dela is French for "otherworldly" or "out of the ordinary."They make handcrafted original items (catch the idea yet, Einstein?). This isn't the $8 plastic crap you'll get from H&M or fake jewelry from eBay. The bracelets, for example, go from $15 - $25. For those who don't know, that's an awesome price for real stones like turquoise, aquamarine and real Swarovski crystals.
If you want to get another "oh that's so sweet," you can stick with your done-to-death valentine gifts. If you're looking for a real response (and a real reward, if ya know what i mean) then De L'Au Dela is what you're looking for. If you have something specific in mind, they even do custom jewelry at request. Also, how many other jewelry companies will offer you free repairs in case of a break? Bottom line, if you're looking for authentic jewelry and don't want to bust your wallet, De L'au Dela is what you're looking for.