Saturday, October 11, 2008

Kids Are Violent Because Cartoons Aren't

I recently woke up early enough to catch some Saturday morning cartoons. So I get a bowl of chocolate coated sugar bomb cereal and I turn on cartoon network to what I thought would be the kick-ass line up I remember. Instead, what I get is a bunch of watered down, modern-retro stylized, clich├ęd crap. I keep flipping hoping to find something good. Instead I find Jimmy Neutron, Fairly Oddparents and Johnny Test. Once upon a time, I'd flip on the tube and see Wolverine sticking his badass adamantium claws into a sentinel. Now all I get is the wacky adventures of a 9-year old boy who's still learning about moderation, friendship and why his pubes haven't come in yet.
What's even worse is that kids are more violent today than ever before. Kids will always crave violence. If cartoons don't have enough balls for them, they'll just flip on the Xbox and play something that involves some sort of dismemberment and is 10x more violent than any ABC cartoon will ever be. A few years ago, the only violence video games suggested was jumping on turtles in attempt to have them hurled towards your opponents at breakneck speeds. I hope you parents are happy. Hoorah, cartoons suck and your kids are serial killers in the making. But what does that matter? You don't pay attention to what your kids watch anyways. All you know is that the cartoons are sugary enough to cause diabetes and if your youngin' acts up, you'll pop enough Ritalin in him to sedate a small rhino.
I think everything started going downhill when Pokemon became popular. When I watched an anime, it was Dragonball Z and that was just tits. Aliens from different planets blowing each other away with laser beams that shot out of their hands. Pokemon reduced these testosterone driven battle royals to two beanie babies going at it until one falls to the ground with swirly eyes.
I say we should put the balls back into the early morning cartoons and pry the video games away from your kids. Sounds crazy? Consider this, your kid will be waking up earlier and, as result, going to sleep sooner. He'll be eating his cereal early in the morning and get his metabolism running right away. Unlike video games, cartoons have breaks every 7 minutes so your kid won't be in a coma-like state for 2 hours at a time. At around 12 o'clock, the shows get crappy and your kids will look for something more interesting, to do. That's when you hand the little free-loader a rake and have him pay his keep. The power is yours.... sucka.