Sunday, July 13, 2008

Lose Weight With Little Effort

Everyone is looking for a magic fix. Nobody wants to work to lose weight and the reality is that, sometimes, they don't need to. Funny, huh? The truth is that a suprisingly significant weight loss can be achieved through a series of small decisions. There's no secret to any of this. You can find it out on your own through surfing but I'm going to deliver them all to you because: a) I'm an amazing and sympathetic individual and b) You're a lazy shlub who's constantly looking for the quickest, easiest way to squeeze into a bathing suit this swim season. So, without further adieu, here's what you're going to do to shed pounds and why.

What: Eat spicy foods.
How: Order the spicy meals at restaurants and buy a bottle of hot sauce for home. Whatever you feel can be spiced up (i.e. chili, pasta, bbq meat)
Why: There are many reasons why spicy foods will help you lose weight. You'll end up eating less. You'll drink more water. Your metabolism will go up causing you to burn more fat. Your digestive system works harder to break down spicy foods. All together, you can't go wrong with a little spice in your life. While it's a myth that spicy foods will cause an ulcer, it's true that spicy foods may aggravate pre-existing stomach conditions.

What: Eat early in the morning.
How: Eat as many quick, healthy meals as you can in the morning (i.e. instant oatmeal, an apple, egg in the microwave)
Why: The sooner you eat in the morning, the sooner you get your metabolism running in the day. In this way, you can maximize your bodies fat burning efficiency each day.

What: Eat sparingly and frequently
How: Ziplocs will become your new best friend in this task. Cereal, dried fruit, almonds, etc. can all be placed in Ziplocs and whipped out when you're feeling even a fiendish. You'd be surprised at how well a snack-sized Ziploc of almonds will crush a hunger pang.
Why: This works to make you lose weight in two ways. Firstly, it prevents you from gorging when a big meal comes along. Secondly, frequent food intake lets your body know that it isn't in a situation of starvation and it has the green light to go ahead and burn as much fat as is needed since fat storage isn't required.

What: Eat with chopsticks.
How: Not too hard to figure this one out. When the meal allows (stir fry, chicken pieces, chinese noodles) eat with chopsticks.
Why: Your lack of cultural diversity will inevitably cause you to eat your meal more slowly and will give your stomach the proper time to tell your brain when it's full. Surprisingly, there's a 20-minute gap between the time you've eaten enough and your brain knows that you've eaten enough. Some people will eat an extra 20 minutes worth of extra food that will become fat and leave you with that painful stomach-bursting sensation.

What: Use ankle weights.
How: Ankle weights are these straps that wrap around your ankle with velcro. Some models contain a series of half-pound sand bags that allow you to adjust the weight. Most models are quite discreet and will go unseen when covered with pants.
Why: Every step will have you burning more calories. A trip up the stairs becomes an amped-up mini workout. This is one of my favorite methods because it totally blends a full leg workout into your day.

What: Use small spoon, tall glasses, and small plates without patterns.
How: The wonders of capitalism make this quite the easy task.
Why: All these items will trick your mind into thinking that your consuming more food than you actually are. This will cause you to eat and drink less. How much less? Using a tall, slim glass will cause you to pour yourself about 34% less drink than you would if you used a short, stubby glass. Using a small, plain plate will have you eating about 23% less than a large, decorated plates. Using a smaller spoon will sometimes cause you to eat up to 36% less food than you would with a larger spoon.

What: Sit up
How: Stop slouching, you lazy shmuck.
Why: Sitting up straight will cause you to contract your lower back muscles and will stretch out your abs. This gradually works your core and might just be the final step into getting some defined six-pack line in your stomach.
What: Have a soup/salad
How: Tell the nice waiterman that you'd like the soup du jour or a salad
Why: A warm soup or a fresh salad 15 minutes before your meal is likely to have you eating less of your meal. Odds are, your meal will contain much more fat than a soup or salad.

What: Eat brown bread
How: When the waiter at your favorite breakfast joint asks if you want white or brown bread, take the brown. When at the grocery store, forget about your bleached white bread. Opt for something multi-grain
Why: White bread is garbage. It's chemically bleached and has absolutely no health benefits. Whole wheat bread has the fiber and nutrients you'll need to have a slim figure

So there you have 10 ways to lose weight without any hard work on your part. That's right, Benny Hill, even you can shed a few pounds. If you think this is all you'll need to do, you're wrong, as usual. To get the body everyone wants you to have, you're going to have to sweat but until you get your lazy ass off the couch, these tips should help you get started on the road to sweating off your jello butt and rubber love handles. Lastly, as glorious as I may be, I'm not your doctor. Before making any big dietary decisions, you should discuss your hair-brained ideas with a physician. See ya soon. Don't come back until you're slim.