Wednesday, July 16, 2008

10 Things People Do On Facebook That Piss Me Off

Just like millions of other people, I've joined Facebook. I'll admit that I enjoy keeping in touch with friends whom I'd otherwise lose touch. As much as I enjoy it, there's still a bunch of stupid shit people do on Facebook that always manages to get under my skin and take a dump on my brain. Here's a bunch of shit that people do on Facebook that merits them a merciless bludgeoning.

#1 Phallic Symbols
Nothing says "I have a small penis and low self-esteem" like someone who decides to post a picture of himself with any kind of firearm. Don't assume that posting a picture of you with an M-16 without a caption makes you casual about the whole idea. You still might as well be a 9-year-old running to his schoolyard chums yelling "Guys, guys! I got to hold I gun! I feel so cool now." Unless you used that gun for anything other than a 1 time target practice on your Uncle Buck's incestuous ranch, posting that picture makes you a poser. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go to your room.

#2 Phake Photoshop
Congratulations, you've installed a program that takes up approximately 600 Mb of hard drive space just so you can play with a few color filters. Do you think upping the contrast and applying a Gaussian blur to a picture of you and your friends makes you a graphic designer? It doesn't. It just makes you look like a pretentious douche. If your total history is under 15 actions, you've done dick all to your picture. You're only bastardizing Photoshop by using it solely to neon glow and emboss your pictures....ass.

#3 Irrelevant Status
The "status" feature on Facebook was created to let your friends know what you're doing or where you are. For example, you could be "busy studying" or "finally on vacation". This feature wasn't designed so you can showcase your favorite downloaded, generic emo quote of the day. If I wanted to see your favorite quote, I would take the time to scroll down to "favorite quotes." Do you make a habit out of placing shit where it doesn't belong? If I invite you over, will you take a crap on my lamp?

#4 Philosophy minute
When Facebook asks you your religion, it's to give you the possibility to network with people of the same belief. No one asked you to write a pseudo-witty phrase regarding your atheist (or other) views on religion. Simply writing that you're an atheist is acceptable. You won't see religious people writing "I'm Jewish, and you're a fucking tool if you're not." Pasting a Nietzsche or Pritchard quote to exemplify your world views doesn't make you an intellectual; it just makes you a pompous dickhead.

#5 Facebook Pimps
When your marital status is "in a relationship" people can assume by themselves that you and your partner kiss occasionally. Posting pictures of your pre-pubescent make out sessions isn't something your online peers enjoy. Yes, occasionally your girl friends will post a comment like "aw, cutest couple ever" but the other 99% of the Facebook population is either trying not to yak on their keyboards or are pissing their pants at the thought of how sexually insecure you are. You two aren't "cute" or "adorable." You're pathetic. Social networks and softcore porn should never be confused.

#6 Group Petitions
Every now and then I get an invite to group that needs X amount of people to accomplish a task. "If 550 people join, Jimmy will buy a bottle of Skyy on Saturday" "100 people to get Britney Henderson on Facebook." If Britney doesn't have time to waste on Facebook, that's her prerogative. Leave Britney alone! She's a human! Of all the causes in this world to which you could donate your time, getting someone to accomplish an ultimately useless task isn't the most crucial. Not only did you waste your own time by creating the group, but you've also wasted my time when I have to click "Reject Invitation." bastard.

#7 Forced compliments
Occasionally, some totally ugly chick will post some photos of herself dressed up for a special event. Immediately, her girlfriends will begin to swarm the photo with their generous yet generic compliments: "OMG, Stacey. Ur gorg!","So hot! Luv ya." We all know you really mean: "Wow, you're a lot less fugly in this pic than you usually are." You're not fooling anyone. Just because someone has their hair and makeup done, doesn't mean they're Tara Reid. Sometimes I feel like I've stumbled on some ancient girl pact to always compliment each other's beauty despite...each other's beauty. You'll never catch any guys rushing to post fake praise on each other's prom pictures. Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. You people make me sick.

#8 Clubbing Shots
No, I'm not talking about the, ordinarily funny, seal clubbing pictures. I'm talking about people who feel the urge to take a picture of themselves on a crowded dance floor drinking from a $20 bottle of vodka that cost them $110. What's running through your mind when you're taking this picture? "I'm gonna put this picture up on Facebook and everyone will know that I tear it up on weekends." Unfortunately, you just look like a putz who has to prove himself to people who will only have a 1.5 second glance at each picture. Congratulations, baller, you're officially a turd sandwich.

#9 Applications
Thanks to Facebook making their source code publicly available, millions of people can now piss the shit out of one another with a barrage of useless applications. In a network that was once devoted purely to online communication between classmates, people can now waste hours filling out surveys and having a JavaScript application telling them what kind of person they are. The worst part is that all this stupid shit gets flaunted on the profile page, which then turns into a MySpace page. "Look! My Sex in the City IQ is 138!" Good for you. Now end your life.

#10 Useless Arguments
Once upon a time, when people had an important political message they'd want to convey to the public, they'd take to the streets with a passion. Now any shitbreak with 15 minutes will just create a political group with a few government-bashing pictures and consider himself a revolutionary. The worst part of all this is that it leads to heated arguments. What the fuck are you wasting so much time arguing for? Firstly, you won't end up convincing the other side. Secondly, you won't gather an audience since no one cares enough to read through your heat-of-the-moment typos and nonsense. Thirdly, in a matter of days it'll be a part of an archive and no one will ever see your 45 minutes of writing ever again. No one will refer back to your arguments or quote you. You might has well have sat on your ass and watched midget porn. At least that makes for an interesting story.

That last image might not be to everyone's taste, but such is life. I know it'll get some guilty chuckles. That's a wrap for this list. Wow, that took a while to write. I know everyone reading this has committed at least one of the aforementioned sins. Your god(s) hate(s) you for it and so do I.