007 Mixology

James Bond always orders his trademark vodka martini, shaken not stirred. This is quite an unusual request considering an alcohol-only drink never gets shaken.  Bond is aiming for 2 things when ordering this drink. Firstly, the drink will come out extra chilled so that the alcoholic sting of the vodka is muted. Secondly, shaking the alcohol in ice dilutes it slightly. This too will make the drink a bit milder and make it a bit easier to sip casually.

Phrases I Will Always Hate

"I grew up with X older brothers"

This is something girls will say to prove to a guy they're tough. It's pretty much the female equivalent of "I grew up on the streets, yo" Since they've been hardened through years of sibling rivalry, now they can take on any guy's gestures and even physical aggression, to an extent. News flash, your brothers aren't an accurate representation of the guys you'll run into on the streets. Your brothers essentially protect you and, unless you live in Idaho, aren't looking to fuck you at any chance they get. Just because you come from a jock family and you wear a 

sports bra 24/7, doesn't mean you've in any way proven yourself to be tough.

"Guess what!"

A lamer segway into a 20-minute monologue about yourself couldn't be uttered. I'm obviously not going to "guess what." There are an infinite number of things that could've happened to you in your meaningless life and you clearly don't intend on waiting as I go through the long list of things that I couldn't care less about (got a new bf, broke up with a bf, what you ate, who you saw, what your bowel movements look like). One thing that always bugs me is that, like the naive (yet attractive), stud I am, I always think that there's a chance that the "what" of which I'm guessing has to do with me. I think to myself "maybe today, by some fluke, this affects me in some way." Unfortunately, I get disappointed each time and my hate for the line grows deeper. My punishment - watching you flap your sausage lips, for what feels like an eternity, about something that interests me less than One Tree Hill, lacrosse, wooden dowels, Orlando Bloom, etc. etc.

"X nights ago, I had like Y shots of tequila"

Of all the pathetic attempts to impress me with something, this has to be the worst and most generic of all. It's funny, it's not only guys that will say this. I once thought it was all about being macho, but chicks will also try to impress with their alcohol tolerance. You walk a fine line when you tell me about how many shots you can take. If you tell me a number between 1-9, I won't be impressed. If you tell me a number that's 10 or greater, I won't believe you. The mathematicians reading this will quickly notice that there's no number that would actually merit a favorable response from me. That's because, no matter what you say, I'll think your a dipshit for even wasting my time with something I care so little about.

"I don't drink (insert alcohol type) anymore."..."Not after last time..." OR "It doesn't agree with me..."

What possible benefit could be derived from that? I assume you're, once again, trying to segway into a lame story about yourself at some other party which I care nothing about. Not only will your story make me want to take a bullet OUT of a gun and force it through your temple, but it'll most probably deter me from ever offering you a drink since you have a history of going overboard and you have an irritating tendency of repeatedly bringing it up.

Any alcohol you insert into the blank will label you as a tool except one - vodka. Telling people that you can't drink vodka labels you as a completely useless waste of space and air. Why? Because unlike alcohols like brandy, rum, whiskey, etc. vodka is completely flavorless. It's pure alcohol cut with water. The finer a vodka is, the less impurities it contains. So in essence, what you're saying is you can't drink alcohol. Period. If you something more ignorant could be said in a bar, I'm curious to know what. Until such time, you deserve a swift knee to the groin every day for being the village idiot.

"What do you bench?"

I challenge anyone to find a better way of saying "I'm a huge douche and know nothing about weight lifting" in 4 words or less. Since when has a person's bench pressing capacity demonstrated their strength or fitness savvy in any way? If you don't have enough knowledge to make small talk about exercise - don't. Stick to what you know. Do you see me asking you how much horsepower your cup holder has? If you should happen to be naturally gifted with a McConaughy-like physique, opening your mouth with such a stupid statement deflates any credibility you might've had in the fitness realm and immediately thrusts you into the brain dead jock category.

Smiling: The second best thing you can do with your lips

One crucial piece of equipment necessary in getting your way is a simple smile. It seems a bit too naive, but a good smile gets you better service at restaurants, gets you noticed at parties, or even prevent a fight. When an animal shows its teeth in the wild, it either means it's prepared to fight (in the case of wolves) or it's afraid and submitting (apes). In the case of modern man, it's actually a mixture of both.In the battlefield that is our social playground, your smile is your trusty field knife. It's always handy for something if you can use it properly.

Dropping defence

When you first engage in a conversation with another human, it's important to greet with a smile. If you go from your default idle face to a smile, your subject suddenly feels a lot less intimidated by you and the likelyhood of a hostile interaction is greatly reduced. When people have their defences down, in this sense, they are more likely to take orders from you and are less likely to impede your progress. After your initial smile, don't hold the dumb grin on your face. Holding a smile  let's everyone around you know that you feel awkward and nervous and the smile loses its potency.

Greasing the Gears

“If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work”

-George Carlin

In situations where you might be asking an individual to go beyond his requirement of self-preservation, it's necessary to confuse them somewhat in order to increase the likelihood of them agreeing with your request. To do this, first look at your target in the eye. This initial look is intimidating and, to an extent, flusters the mind and prevents proper focus. The next step is to, without breaking eye contact, flash those pearly whites. This gives your confused subject a comforting feeling and a general good impression of what you're saying. Not only is your subject partially impaired from thinking about your statement in a fully rational and critical sense but, thanks  to your sparkly grin, he's also given a positive emotion about the conversation before he can fully understand it. When used properly, there's no limit to what the smile-gaze combo will get you.

Arming yourself the Teeth

Keeping your smile potent is extremely important if you want to yield maximum results. There are some basic guidelines to maintaining an effective and appealing smile.

Always have a chapstick on hand - You'd be surprised how often you use a chapstick when it's on hand. Cracky, bleeding lips won't charm a donkey

Use a good toothpaste - Toothpaste is something you definitely don't want to be penny pinching. The difference between a crappy toothpaste and a good quality one is a couple of bucks but the difference is astronomical. Look around for the shiniest, most futuristic looking package. That one with the little whitening strips in the paste is just tits. Leave an extra tube of toothpaste and toothbrush in the shower. If you're doing something that requires fresh smelling arm pits, it's guaranteed to also require fresh breath.

Floss Picks - Starchy foods tend to get stuck in your molars and between your teeth. In case you weren't aware, decomposing food has a nasty habit of smelling like shit. Having some of those floss/pick hybrids in the car will help you pick some of the smile-comprimising fecal matter out from between your teeth when you have a free moment.

Diffusing a Bomb

Should you find yourself in a hostile encounter, a smile can be the difference between a pleasant pat on the back or a boot up the arse. When a hostile situation is in the making, beguiling the sad fancy into smiles and pointing out the absurdities of the situation will, most likely stop a guy from needing to show off his manly skills and throw you a 1,2 knockout. I'll write about body language for avoiding the fight, but for now we're discussing the smile only. The most important part of this smile is actually your eyes. The difference between a face smile and a real smile is that, in a real smile, the muscles around you eyes (orbicularis oculi) contract. This is what squints your eyes. Why do you need to know this? Eye gaze is a very intimidating and palpable thing. Squinting your eyes to reduce this reduces the intimidation factor and decreases the odds of the first punch being thrown your way. In return, it also hides your eyes from signalling when and were you will be punching, should you decide to do so.

“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

-Greta Garbo

 

How To Incorporate Exercise Into Your Daily Life

The New Year has passed and I can tell that at least 50% of my readers want to lose weight for the new year. Yes, the gyms will love you guys. You'll sign up and get motivated and show up 3 times a week for the month of January. However, over the next 3 months, you'll start to slow down and eventually not go. You might even wait a month before canceling your membership. That's pure loss on your part and an easy gain on the gym part. Why does this always happen? The odds are stacked against you. Winter is a cold, dark time of the year. Our bodies physiologically respond to these changes by reducing energy output, consuming more food and sleeping longer. Why? This is basically a defense mechanism. Your body is trying to build up fat and body mass. Instead of using your energy towards exercise, your body is desperately trying to preserve the organs in case of a freezing famine. The more you try to fight your natural instincts, the less your chance is of winning. Pushing yourself to go to the gym after work when it's very dark and cold isn't likely to be a ritual that will last long. The more you manage to integrate exercise into the daylight hours when you're body knows to be active, the better results your see. The following is a list of ways you'll be able to shed those New Years resolution pounds without perturbing your schedule.

Ankle Weight

A good set of ankle weights fits discretely under most pants. They're probably the most crucial item on this list. They allow for a lot of leg toning to be done during the day. While sitting at your desk, try lifting your legs off the ground. Hover them over the ground for as long as you can. It's those kind of long exercises with light weights that'll give you the lean tone for which you might be looking.

Opt For Stairs 

When you have a choice between stairs and escala

tors, go for the stairs. Sounds like a no brainer, right? There is, however, a catch. Since you're not likely to be walking up 2 km of stairs every day, you're going to make the steps you do walk up a bit more intense. Step using only your toes on the ledge of each step. The sole of your foot should be parallel to the ground and yur heel should be floating in the air. Keep your back straight so that the weight of your body is above your ankle. Walking up the stairs in this way gives your calves a great workout. I promise you'll feel the burning sensation on a tall set of stairs.

Sprint Has Sprung
Should you find yourself having to cover a relatively long distance, sprint it. Don't worry about how you look. People will just assume you're just late for a class or a meeting. A five minute sprint once a day will contribute more to your stamina than a 20 minute jog. Remember to use your best judgement when deciding on your sprint location. Sprinting in a parking lot, for example, might get result internal bleeding when a teen driver hits you when he zips around the corner in the Mazda 3 mommy and daddy just bought him.

Wii Will Rock You

You don't need WiiFit to turn your Wii experience into a full workout. Wii fit is simply a marketing ploy. Yes, it could open your game experience to new motions, but you definitely don't need it for a workout. Remember the ankle weights I ordered you to buy? Now try attaching them to your wrists and playing your favorite Wii game. Depending on your motions, your Wii gaming session turns into a workout for your biceps, triceps, deltoids, forearms, pectorals, etc. If you want better comfort, you could always spring for writ weights, but that's optional. Two games I recommend for this are the Wii Boxing (part of the Wii sports package) and Dragonball Budokai Tenkaichi 2. Both require heavy, rapid hand motion.

Butt cracker

It doesn't matter whether you're a guy or girl, the opposite race will check out your ass. It's pretty much a given. Working out your butt is probably the easiest and most descrete workout you can perform. While your sitting in you office or in class, clench your butt for about 5 seconds then release for 2. Each time you do this it's called a repetition or "rep". You should be doing 10 reps at a time. This group of 10 reps is called a "set." You should

 try to do about 3-4 sets in a session. As you progress, try upping the 5 seconds of clenching to 7-10. I realize that all this may sound stupid, but you know what's even more stupid? Watching your jiggly butt speed down the water slide at mach 3 while the lifeguard can't decide whether he's seeing 2 pigs trapped in a hammock or your road map of cellulite.

Tip: An easy way to remember your the repition you're working on is to count the seconds in your head like this:
"1,2,4,5

2,2,3,4,5
3,2,3,4,5

4,2,3,4,5 etc."

All in Stride 

Whenever you get up and walk, whether it be to your next class or to the photocopier machine, push yourself to and just a bit more distance to your stride. Not so much that it looks like a Monty Python sketch (see below) but enough to add an extra 10 cm to your stride. Not only will you find that you walk faster, but you'll also feel the burn in your larger leg muscles.

Big Balls 

One of the more popular workouts, for people who are sitting at an office desk all day, is to sit on a fitness ball instead of a chair. Sitting on the ball forces you to use your core muscles to balance yourself. This should slowly chip away at that gut and those love-handles that threaten to ruin the way you'll look in by in the upcomcoming swimsuit season. If you feel silly bringing one of these to work, that's fine. You can keep it in your TV room and use it while you watch your evening lineup.

The most important thing to remember about all these workouts is that, while they're a means to a goal, you'll never stop doing them. All these things are simple and easy because they're lifestyle changes. This is how you're going to live from now on. While this may sound a tad grim, it's really not because, once you get the body you want, you're acheiving your goal every day. When you look into the mirror and like what you see, that's a reward. As long as you continue to stick with these lifestyle changes, you'll continue to be rewarded and every day will be another day in which you're acheiving your goal. Good luck to everyone who's decided to lose weight in '09. Check out my other weight loss articles for other diet and psychology tips to enhance your weight loss:

http://standeviations.blogspot.com/2008/07/how-to-curb-your-appetite.html

http://standeviations.blogspot.com/2008/07/lose-weight-with-little-effort.html

Brightstorm - almost as good as beating your teen

If there's one thing I can't stand it's a dumb teenager. Their parents consider driving their kids to hockey in an Escalade and buying them a Wii Fit as good parenting. Unfortunately, your job as a parent doesn't end just because Timmy's sugar rush died down and he's not smoking pot yet. It's your job to make your kid the smartest in the class. Unless you live in community-oriented semi-communist tribe, the world is highly competitive and, in order to be successful, your kid needs to every advantage he/she can get. I've seen too many of my classmates in high school flunk certain key classes and it ruined, what would have been, a very promising program in college. That's why you have to start now. There's an site called Brightstorm. It's a full video tutorial system that'll help your flunking teen with all the high school subjects of your choice. It's relatively inexpensive ($49 per course) and, in my opinion, totally worth it. Even now, I'm searching YouTube if they just might have the topic with which I'm having trouble. With Brightstorm there's no risk. Just sit your teen in front of the comp and for half an hour, instead of looking up porn, you kid will learn geometry from a teacher who was born this century, using dynamic illustrations that are much better than the usual drilling and grilling from the textbook.

How to Find Deals on the Web

So you're the type of person that will spend an extra day shopping around just to save a couple of bucks and, when you do, you feel so proud of yourself. Do I have you pegged? Of course I do. I'm the all-knowing. Whenever you see an item in the store you say to yourself: "Meh, I can get it for half the price online. The only problem is that, even though it is online. You can't find it and you never end up getting that item. Well that's all about to change now that I teach you the ways of the cyber bargain hunter.

1) Deal Extreme - Your first rule for finding that random trinket you just have to have is checking Deal Extreme. There you'll find cheap items direct from China. With free shipping also, your new USB key will only run you 5 bucks.

2) eBay tricks - You obviously know how to search up an item on eBay. Even you can figure that out. The tough part is finding the good deals. Occasionally, sellers will make typos in their listings. The result is that their listing doesn't turn up in searches. That's where you come in and nab the auction with little to no competition using www.missing-auctions.com . This free site allows you to search for typos on eBay. Another tactic for getting a low price is sniping. Sniping means you wait until the last minute and 30 seconds before the end of the auction, you place a bid, giving your opponents little time to react. A good program for that is Baygenie auction sniper.

3) Shopwiki - Sometimes you just don't have the time to shop around for the lowest price online. That's why you'd make your work easier by using ShopWiki. I, for example, am trying to find a pair of all-terrain skates. When I searched it up on Shopwiki, I easily found the lowest online price. Afterwards, I'm probably going to decorate my room with some cool samurai shit. You can pretty much find anything there. If you search up Kitchen and Dining, you'll find things there much cheaper than home outfitters.

4) Smart Canucks - Sometimes, the cheapest way to get something is to get it for free. Smart Canucks is a forum where Canadians share freebie offers, hot deals and coupons they've found online. So far, I've gotten iPod travel chargers, t-shirts, dog treats, and more. It's definitely worth checking out if you're a cheapass.

Sorry to Disappoint: Christmas is Pagan...lolz

It's Christmas day! Let's wake mom and dad up into a hangover and run our urine soaked PJs down the stairs to open our Playstations, Wiis and other battery operated sexual devices! What better time to write a Christmas article than Christmas day? Families are gathering together around the fireplace and following rituals which they know nothing about. I'm not trying to make enemies with this article, but the fact of the matter is, many of the Christmas traditions aren't accurate and most aren't even Christian. Ironic, huh? So with a jug full of jolly egg nog, lets jet through the fallacies of this yule tide spirit.

Jesus wasn't born in December
Despite the popular notion of Jesus being born in a manger in December, Jesus was more likely born sometime between April and October. "Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields,keeping watch over their flock by night" (Luke 2:8). The flocks weren't out in the field at night during the winter months; it was too cold. Nowhere does the New Testament hint towards Jesus being born in the winter.

Why December 25th?

The Christian religion never celebrates a popular figure's birth, only their death. So why the popularization of December 25th as the celebration as Christ's birth? It just so happens that, Saturnalia, a Roman celebration worshiping Saturn, occurs in December. The Church, trying to find a way to be accepted by the Pagans around them, decided to also create a celebration in the middle of the winter. The result of this assimilation is the Christmas we know today. According to Persian Pagans, December 25th marks the birth of Mithra, the sun god. His birth would bring light to the dark days of the winter solstice. It was only until the 4th century that the Christian Church announced that, despite what's clearly written in the bible, Jesus' birthday falls on the same day as Mithra's.

Yule log

The term "yule" comes from the Norse god of fertility "Jule." The heartwarming tradition of gathering around the fireplace is based on a Scandinavian Norse/Pagan winter solstice ritual. This involves burning a large tree trunk for 12 days (hence the 12 days of Christmas). The log is a phallic symbol. Over the course of the 12 days, people an animals are burnt as an offering to Saturn. That's one practice I follow, however; I sacrifice many virgins on my yule log - HIGH FIVE!

Christmas Tree

The Christmas tree, like the yule log, is a phallic/fertility symbol. Pagans saw trees as sacred and bringing them into the home brought their holiness into your household. Once chopped and brought into the house, the tree was worshipped as an idol. Now here's the kicker - a few lines from the old testament: "Thus said the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them: For the customs of the people are vain: for one cuts a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the ax: They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not....Be not afraid of them; for they cannot do evil, neither also is it in them to do good." (Jeremiah 10:2-5) how creepy is that? Even the Bible warns against the Christmas tree tradition.

Santa Claus

Santa Claus is a composition of several sources, mainly the following:

Odin - The pagan thunder god. He flew over the cities and decided who would live and who would die

St. Nicholas - The patron saint of sailors, prostitutes, children, merchants, the falsely accused, pawnbrokers and repentant thieves. He was said to have captured the devil and used the devil as his hired muscle. If the child was good, they'd receive presents, otherwise, they'd get whips. Ah, those were the good ol' days. No such thing as a spoiled brat getting his Xbox 360. If you were bad, you got flogging that scarred your ass back into shape.

The writings of Clement Clark Moore eventually made the image of Santa that we know today. The devil became the reindeer we know today and any religious connotations were erased.

The Puritans who came to the New World sought to rid themselves of Christmas as we know it. They wanted to create a society based purely on Christian traditions, free of Pagan influence. Instead, Christians chose to celebrate Christmas, holiday based almost purely on Pagan traditions and whose Christian roots are slim. I'm sorry to have taken away from your most holy of times...but it's really not your holy time. Nothing happened in December. I'm not refuting Christianity as a religion, simply pointing out a fallacy that's been perpetuated for about 1700 years now.

The part that pulls my pubes about all this is that children are blatantly lied to about Santa Claus. Eventually, all kids grow up and learn that Santa is a myth and their parents don't even know where he came from. All mommy and daddy know is that their parents lied to them in just the same way. So has it been for generations. Now who's the real Grinch?

So when it all boils down, there's absolutely no reason to flood my radio with crappy gospel music, no reason to bring candy cane flavored coffee to my cafe, no reason to interrupt my morning cartoon rituals with play doh Christmas animations and no reason to contribute to deforestation just so you can bring a large mock penis into your living room. If you're so eager to have a sex symbol in your house, I'm free weekends after 3.

Update

It's been a while since I've written a decent "how to" article, hasn't it? I've been overcome with ads and useless posts. Well the era of ad posts seems to be coming to an end. Payperpost, the company that would assign me advertisements, has just booted me from their community. Let me tell you how great it is to write advertisements that drop your pagerank to 0 only to later be booted from their system and not be able to use your blog to publish anything else. The part that really screws you over is that PayPerPost does not allow for "no follow" tags in your links. Google really doesn't appreciate people selling links because it throws off their pagerank system. So once Google catches you with your pants down, you better bring a tub of vasoline, 'cause your about to be screwed long and hard. So, to sum up my emotions, Payperpost sucks. They used me like a Czechoslovakian prostitute and didn't even have the courtesy to finish off with a happy ending.

The way things look now, I think the only ads you'll be seeing are Google's ads on the right of this page (see it???). I am not allowed to solicit clicks for these ads, so I won't. I can't purposly ask you to click on the ads if you appreciate my content just so that I can generate a profit because that would violate the terms of service.

That's what's going on with this blog now. More quality content is on the way. Lates sucka.

Quantam of Solace - Scariest Villain Yet

Hello Pussy,

I felt it to be my duty as the proud owner of a pair of testicles to see the new James Bond flick as soon as I could. I can safely say that it was pretty decent. It wasn't the best Bond, but still good nonetheless.

James Bonds, in case you haven't noticed, have always synced up with the politics at the time. The first James Bonds set the Russians as the enemies, while the Cold War was prevalent. In "Die Another Day", the enemies are Korean. In "The World Is Not Enough", surprise surprise - bad guys are Middle Eastern terrorists. In this James Bond, the villain is Dominic Greene. He owns an "environmentally friendly" company. As if his last name and the eco-company isn't enough, the dude (Mathieu Amalric) looks a shit load like Al Gore. In case you haven't processed all that, the enemy for this James Bond is corrupt environmental movement. That, by the way, makes me happier than a pig in shit. 

There were however, a few things that disappointed me with this movie. Firstly, this is the first Bond I've seen where 007 is not briefed by R (formerly Q) and given the clutch gadgets that will end up being live savers for him later in the film. Secondly, JB doesn't snog the Bond girl at the end. It's just not a Bond if he doesn't contract some sort of STD.

A lot of people will tell you that the new Bond sucked. While that may be, I can't bring myself to say that about a Bond flick. While there were definitely better Bonds (except the Lazenby one), this one was still enjoyable.

(PS: If you didn't get that the opening line was a Bond reference, you have no place reading this post. In the off chance that you're a man, you must immediately forfeit your testicles to the Male Appendage Regulatory Board, Chicago, IL 60652)

Lates suckas

7 Reasons Why My Dog's Better Than Your Kids

1) Rubbing my dogs nose in a urine soaked carpet while shouting: "No, bad" won't get me arrested

2) When you leave your kid in a cage for 4 hours, he won't really be happy to see you at the end of the day.

3) My dog will never make me a crappy macaroni painting that I'll have to pretend to like and post on the fridge.

4) When your kid knocks up a chick, you can't sell the kids and make a profit.

5) My dog started shitting where I wanted him to within a week of bringing him home.

6) Putting a choker chain on a kid never seems to yield positive results.

7) My dog will never ask for Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad action figure until I'm forced to hit him

There you have it; 7 good reasons to put up your kid for adoption and get yourself a canine companion. Lates, sucka.