Monday, June 1, 2009

Phrases I Will Always Hate

"I grew up with X older brothers"

This is something girls will say to prove to a guy they're tough. It's pretty much the female equivalent of "I grew up on the streets, yo" Since they've been hardened through years of sibling rivalry, now they can take on any guy's gestures and even physical aggression, to an extent. News flash, your brothers aren't an accurate representation of the guys you'll run into on the streets. Your brothers essentially protect you and, unless you live in Idaho, aren't looking to fuck you at any chance they get. Just because you come from a jock family and you wear a 
sports bra 24/7, doesn't mean you've in any way proven yourself to be tough.

"Guess what!"

A lamer segway into a 20-minute monologue about yourself couldn't be uttered. I'm obviously not going to "guess what." There are an infinite number of things that could've happened to you in your meaningless life and you clearly don't intend on waiting as I go through the long list of things that I couldn't care less about (got a new bf, broke up with a bf, what you ate, who you saw, what your bowel movements look like). One thing that always bugs me is that, like the naive (yet attractive), stud I am, I always think that there's a chance that the "what" of which I'm guessing has to do with me. I think to myself "maybe today, by some fluke, this affects me in some way." Unfortunately, I get disappointed each time and my hate for the line grows deeper. My punishment - watching you flap your sausage lips, for what feels like an eternity, about something that interests me less than One Tree Hill, lacrosse, wooden dowels, Orlando Bloom, etc. etc.

"X nights ago, I had like Y shots of tequila"

Of all the pathetic attempts to impress me with something, this has to be the worst and most generic of all. It's funny, it's not only guys that will say this. I once thought it was all about being macho, but chicks will also try to impress with their alcohol tolerance. You walk a fine line when you tell me about how many shots you can take. If you tell me a number between 1-9, I won't be impressed. If you tell me a number that's 10 or greater, I won't believe you. The mathematicians reading this will quickly notice that there's no number that would actually merit a favorable response from me. That's because, no matter what you say, I'll think your a dipshit for even wasting my time with something I care so little about.

"I don't drink (insert alcohol type) anymore."..."Not after last time..." OR "It doesn't agree with me..."

What possible benefit could be derived from that? I assume you're, once again, trying to segway into a lame story about yourself at some other party which I care nothing about. Not only will your story make me want to take a bullet OUT of a gun and force it through your temple, but it'll most probably deter me from ever offering you a drink since you have a history of going overboard and you have an irritating tendency of repeatedly bringing it up.
Any alcohol you insert into the blank will label you as a tool except one - vodka. Telling people that you can't drink vodka labels you as a completely useless waste of space and air. Why? Because unlike alcohols like brandy, rum, whiskey, etc. vodka is completely flavorless. It's pure alcohol cut with water. The finer a vodka is, the less impurities it contains. So in essence, what you're saying is you can't drink alcohol. Period. If you something more ignorant could be said in a bar, I'm curious to know what. Until such time, you deserve a swift knee to the groin every day for being the village idiot.

"What do you bench?"

I challenge anyone to find a better way of saying "I'm a huge douche and know nothing about weight lifting" in 4 words or less. Since when has a person's bench pressing capacity demonstrated their strength or fitness savvy in any way? If you don't have enough knowledge to make small talk about exercise - don't. Stick to what you know. Do you see me asking you how much horsepower your cup holder has? If you should happen to be naturally gifted with a McConaughy-like physique, opening your mouth with such a stupid statement deflates any credibility you might've had in the fitness realm and immediately thrusts you into the brain dead jock category.