Friday, August 31, 2007

Bathroom Emergencies

You will visit the toilet about 2,500 times in your life. Have you every read any safety tips? People that fly in a plane once a year will still look at the "in case of emergency" brochure. Would you be prepared if, when on the crapper, you suddenly fell into the water and discover that you seat CANNOT be used as a flotation device? I've compiled a list of toilet techniques one should not be without.

I'll start with the emergency procedures. I'm sure that you've once dropped a mega deuce that plugged the toilet and cause the water to rise. It's at times like this that most people re-kindle their religion and pray. "Oh God, please no" they'll say in hopes that the water won't reach the brim and cause the sewer rats to fall onto the floor. In cases like this, you must quickly remove the cover on the toilet tank and lift the balloon shaped thing. This will stop the water flow to the bowl and give you a chance to recover from shock and plunge the problem.

Every so often, it happens. Someone uses the last of the toilet paper and leaves you high and dry...well...not so dry. Here's a quick list of what to do in such an emergency.
  • Should you find yourself at home, you could take a quick jump into the shower and use it as a standing bidet. When stuck in a public facility, the situation become a tad stickier.
  • Though it may not be as pleasant, the cardboard roll itself may be unrolled and used as a makeshift piece of tp. Wetting it first may make the situation slightly more bearable but you then risk devastating rips at the most inopportune times when wiping to abrasively.
  • When in a public restroom, you might be lucky enough to have paper towels near the sink. A mad commando dash with minimal thigh swiping might be in order. Such a lifeline isn't available for bathrooms with those blow jobby hand dryers.
  • The final option is a last resort. In moments of sheer desperation, one may remove their underwear and use it to clean the required area. It's not a pretty picture but in instances of toilet warfare, not everything can be hibiscus and lilacs.

When in the wilderness and without the luxury of a toilet, potty techniques aren't the habituated norm.

  • Your standard leisurely dump will require you to find a firmly rooted tree. Grab hold of the tree with both hands then pop a large squat. In this position you can defecate efficiently without worrying about mudding yourself. The sensation is quite different from what you may be used to at home.
  • In some instances, you may not want you poop to be smelled. This could be because you don't want to attract predators and enemies, or because you don't want to scare off prey or your friends with the nasty stench. In cases like these, dig a toilet bowl size hole in the ground. Lie down with your butt over the hole and do your do. When finished, burying your dirty work is quick and easy.
Following these instructions will ensure survival in any location in which you chose to defecate. Don't hesitate to post comments or questions about any additional toilet matters. I'm an experienced veteran in the field.