OMFG! Lindsay Lohan Britney Spears!!!

Lately, I've noticed that a celebrity's popularity is directly proportional to how drugged up they are. Suddenly, it's become cool to be a public fuck up. Britney Spears is still the talk of the town for holding her child hostage in a bathtub. Lindsay Lohan is no longer pretty. She looks like a coked up granny that belongs at the Vegas slots. But for some reason, you'll still be searching for them on the news feeds to see what they're up to/how they're screwing up today. Don't think that these druggies aren't loving the attention they're getting.

Once upon a time, a celebrity had to have talent to be famous and when they stopped making music/acting/modeling and just partied and hit up the drugs, they would become a has-been (ie: Vanilla Ice). Now, celebrities have it easy. They're famous for being famous and don't have to work for the attention. Odds are, you didn't come here looking for my bitching. Instead you were hoping to see some news about the downward spiral of Britney Spears or photos of a decrepit Lindsay Lohan. You make me sick. Stop making yourself feel better by prying into someone's fucked up life and glorifying them in the process. You're almost as pathetic as the ones who are actually getting this attention. Read real news, you desktop paparazzi. Word to your mother.

Screw up Vs Google Popularity graph...I'm so scientific

7 Ways to Avoid Getting Sick this Winter

Winter is just around the corner and millions of people are more confused that a baby in a topless bar when it comes to how to avoid the terror we call "swine flu." When you don't take care of yourself properly, you're not only making yourself feel like shit, but you're also unpleasant to be around. Here are some easy ways to have you performing at your best through times when the environment tears people down.

Vitamin C

I'm not advocating vitamin C as a wonder drug that cures everything, but when it comes to colds and your immune system, having your proper dosage is irreplaceable. Winter is when some of the best citrus come in from Florida. A daily grapefruit, orange or few clementines as a snack will give you an adequate force field against germs.

Dress Warmly

Toughing the cold isn't macho, it's stupid. Even though you think you can tolerate the cold, you're just making your body a weaker, less efficient machine by lowering your immune system. This allows the airborne shit people cough up to get into your body and convert you into a zombie.

Purell

Purell, though some may see it as a Godsend, is not an appropriate long term solution. Have you ever thought about why they advertise that it kills 99.9% of germs? What happens to that last .1%? That last .1% is actually formed an immunity to your disinfectant. With repeated use of Purell, you better believe that this strain of superbug will multiply and the western world will have a much bigger epidemic; what to do against a germ that won't just be killed by a $2.99 bottle from the pharmacy. Do yourself and your kids a favor and build yourself a healthy immune system instead of trying to sterilize your world. You're only kicking yourself in the ass when you decide that 99.9% clean is favorable.

Get Adequate Sleep

Take advantage of the early nights by letting yourself fall asleep sooner. Not only are you mentally alert after a full night's sleep, but your body is also biologically alert to fight off your friends' disgusting airborne phlegm. When you and your kids go through the day tired and sluggish, you better believe that your immune system is feeling the same way. A good general would never send weary soldiers to the front line; in the same way, you shouldn't be putting your body up to the fight against illness when it's not fully charged. If you're having trouble sleeping, have a look at my article on how to sleep better at night.

Stay Hydrated

Being dehydrated not only makes you sluggish and drowsy, but it also does the exact same thing for your white blood cells that usually fight off bacteria. Your body needs water like your engine needs oil. Just like oil, water just helps all the processes of your body run smoother. Also just like oil, it's easy to forget when you're due for a refill. A good trick to avoid dehydration is leaving a bottle of water on your desk or with you at all times. You'll be surprised at how quickly you manage to down a bottle (and also how quickly you'll be running to the pisser).

Watch out for Public Phones

With the potential of having hundreds of people spitting on them daily, public phones have managed to be more filthy and germ-encrusted than public bathrooms. This doesn't mean you should set a restraining order, just try to avoid them when possible. When using one is necessary, be weary of all the germs that are lurking on the mouthpiece and try not to get too comfortable with the handset.

Elbow Sneeze

This may sound gross at first, but it's actually been found to be better to cover your nose with your elbow when sneezing instead of with your hands. This will not only prevent you from passing your nasal-dwelling fecal matter to others, but will also stop you from helping the bacteria find an easier way in through your ears, nose or mouth after your nose kicked it out.

You'll notice that nowhere did I mention getting a flu shot. I'm not a big believer in the flu shot and, unless you've researched the topic for yourself, you shouldn't be either. Pop quiz: what's in a flu shot? It's actually small doses of that very ailment. Some people fight it off easily and, as result, will have a body that is now immune to that sickness. Other people will just flat out get sick from the stuff and will therefore have paid some $10-$20 to sit at home with a pulsating head and oozing nose-goblins. Whatever you choose to do with your body, I'm still much better than you. Enjoy the winter, subordinates!

Disclaimer: This information is the result of extensive research and is in no way a medical opinion.

Ripped Jeans Aren't Cool. They're Stupid....like you

When I buy a product, unless I'm getting a killer deal, I like to buy it new. As I pass by all the usual yuppie shops, I notice that people are generally willing to pay more for pre-ripped jeans. How has our society come to this? How has dressing like a hobo become a status symbol? Just because God gave you an ass that was already cracked, doesn't mean the same logic should be applied to your fashion. I don't think you look cool if your jeans are all ripped up; I think you need a new pair of jeans because yours now look like shit. You wouldn't buy socks with fashionable holes. Nor would you buy underwear with designer shit stains. But jeans that look like you nabbed them out of a dumpster, hey, that's cool. I think that it's safe to say that the more rips in your jeans, the dumber you are and the more you deserve to be parted with your money. I guess that's the only thing I appreciate about those stupid ripped jeans; they stop idiots from doing more dangerous things with their money.

In my everlasting quest to be useful, here are some links that may help you look like a douche:

http://www.wikihow.com/Rip-Your-Own-Jeans
http://www.destroyedbrand.com/
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070724171214AAnWnsg

How To Get A Raise Or Promotion

It's no secret; you want money. People that say money doesn't lead to happiness are full of shit. You'd be much happier if you saw some better digits on your check. Here's some tips I've gathered about how to get that raise or promotion.

Firstly, you must prepare yourself before meeting with the boss. A good general will flank his problem from any side possible (well, maybe not, but screw you for ruining the analogy).

Flower Power - If it's acceptable in your workplace, bring in a plant of potted flower to put on your desk. This not only gives off a warmer and more personal vibe, but it also shows that you actually care about your workplace. It shows that your work is something in which you take pride. I wouldn't recommend this for straight men because...well you'll look stupid.

Clean your desk - I don't give a shit about what any cute phrases have to say about messy desks. If your desk is messy, it means you're having trouble staying on top of things. If you're aiming for a promotion, that will most probably require more responsibility, you're going to want to show you can handle the challenge.

Be on top of your work - Any open work that has been left undone has to be finished. The last thing you need when you're asking for a raise or promotion is for your boss to ask about your procrastinated task and, like an embarrassed putz, you'll have to make up an excuse as to why you haven't gotten around to getting your job done.

Dress for Success - If you didn't already know, the golden rule of clothing in the workplace, here it is: "dress for the job you want, not for the job you have." If you want to convince people that you can handle the job, you have to help them picture you in that position. This means that, even if you can get away with sweatshirt and jeans on some days, you should make the effort to still dress nicely. Dressing like a big shot will get people used to the idea that you are some sort of big deal. We were all told by our mother's that clothes don't make the person, but mommy never said that clothes don't make a good impression of the person.

In a perfect work environment, your boss would fully recognize your efforts and reward you justly. Unfortunately, we don't live in this land of omniscient bosses and one sometimes has to take what he wants. Here's what you do and don't do to ask for a raise or promotion.

Clean yourself up - I don't know what this means for women, but I can help the guys. Here's some invaluable tips to make you look like a million bucks. Your boss will subconsciously form a general idea of you and your history based on how you currently look.

Save the waterworks - Never try to gain any leverage by saying you need the money for a hospital bill or your new child or to pay your rent. Your boss doesn't need to hear your sob story. You're asking for a reward for your hard work and an incentive to continue pushing yourself in the company. This isn't a charity donation and any hint of self-pity will get you nowhere.

Be "you" heavy - Everyone has 1 favorite person in the world; one person that they always care for. That person is themselves. People like it when the topic of conversation is them. This means you should watch your phrasing. Instead of saying "I think I deserve a raise/promotion" say "wouldn't you agree that I deserve a promotion?" Not only does this tell the boss that the topic of thought is his own decision on whether or not to give a promotion, but it also saves him a lot of mental. When you say "I deserve a promotion" the boss thinks to himself "he wants a promotion, do I think he deserves a promotion?" When you ask "wouldn't you agree that I deserve a promotion?, however, the first step in his though process is cut out and is able to immediately think "do I think he deserves a promotion/raise?" Making the metal task easier will likely raise your chance of getting a positive response. This theory comes from the book "How to Talk to Anyone" by Leil Lowndes

Confident in every sense - It's important to give of the impression that you're confident that you deserve this raise/promotion and your not afraid to ask. This means that you can ask as directly as you want, but if you start fidgeting or looking away, you're screaming out "I'm extremely unsure about this!" This means that, firstly, you won't let your eyes stray past his shoulders. Secondly, your hands are to be at your side, never to be crossed in front of you (means your hiding something) and absolutely NEVER anywhere near your face. Putting you hand near your face will not only cause your speech to be less clear, but it also gives off the impression that you're desperately trying to hide behind someone. It would be wise to practice all these rules at first so you don't panic and make a fool of yourself in the actual meeting.

Sticking to these pretty basic guidelines may not guarantee you the promotion or raise, but you're absolutely better off following these steps. Regardless of the outcome, this was not an "act" that's over. You should adopt these habits because they're likely to help you again further down the road. Should you happen to get a raise, I think it's only fair that you send me a thank you card along with $5 via paypal to show your gratitude.

For more reading on the subject, you should check out:

http://www.quintcareers.com/get_a_raise.html

http://www.blogpinker.com/news-blog/news/dos-when-you-asking-for-a-raise.html

http://www.spherioncareerblog.com/hot_topics/how_to_ask_for_a_raise.php

The Spears Family Tradition Continues: Oops They Did it Again.

So it was recently published that Britney Spear's sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant. The kicker is that she's 16 and the "father" (we don't know yet) is 19. Jamie's ecstatic but there's a wee lil' problem: that's statutory rape. How does this shit make the news? Redneck families from Louisiana are popping out babies by the dozen, but because she was in a few 2-bit shows and B-movies and of course is related to Britney, this makes CNN and MSNBC. The best part is, the mother of these two girls just wrote a book about parenting. Apparently the book is on hold now (coincidence?). Feel free to answer me on this one...who the fuck will buy a parenting book written by a woman who raised one daughter that hates her and lost custody of her children (we all know the many reasons) and another daughter that is pregnant at the age of 16? Maybe they weren't informed that a grocery bag from the local Piggly-Wiggly isn't an adequate form of contraception. It baffles me how they aren't ashamed of their dysfunctional family. Even Chris Crocker (the "Leave Britney Alone" activist) can't defend the Spears name on this one. This is just a case of social mobility gone wrong. Continuing in my tradition of fucking with people blindly searching up keywords in google: there are no pictures of britney spears or videos, nor are there any pictures of the pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears here. Hehe, idiots. Lates.

iPhone Sucks And So Do You

It never ceases to amaze me how stupid shit like the iPhone manage to skyrocket in popularity. There are an infinite number of things that suck about the iPhone yet Apple has still managed to convince a handful of idiots with too much money that it's some sort of status symbol. Just for shits and giggles, lets review a list of things that we hate about the iPhone. Feel free to join in whenever.
1) One drop and you'll go running to repair your cracked screen
2) It's shape (similar to that of a 3-pack of condoms) is not convenient as a phone.
3) The internet is nowhere near as fast as the commercials show.
4) No removable battery means a headache whenever you need a new battery or anything that involves taking out the battery.
5) You're paying over 500 bucks for shit you can do on a regular phone but you're just too lazy to figure out how.
6) No games to play when you're bored in a waiting room.
7) Unlike a decent PDA, iPhone will not sync with Outlook. Why? Because Microsoft and Apple aren't best buddies.
8) Those of you who invested the whopping 500 or more for the iphone will be disappointed when they realize that it won't be long till better shit comes out. This isn't the phone to end all phones.
9) Where my Bluetooth/MMS/IM/GPS at?
10) If you want to unlock your iPhone, you better be willing to risk it becoming an iBrick.
11) Those of you who are annoying pricks with your musical ringtones will be sad to hear that iPhone provides no such thing.

Sigh, that was 10 minutes of ranting about the iPhone and I've had my fill. I feel sorry for the suckers who actually buy the damn things. Apparently if I type things like "iPhone applications", "iphone wallpaper", iphone porn" i'll get more hits. Haha, I bet there will be some dumbasses running in here looking for their fix of wallpaper, applications and porn. Too bad, sucka!

Bush Haters

It royally pisses me off when I hear Americans complain about George W. Bush. Whenever Bush comes up, all people seem to be able to do is criticize. Why? Because that's the easy road. Everyone can do. That's what's popular. The point is, America, YOU elected him. Not only did YOU elect him, but it was YOU that decided that he did his job so well the first term, YOU elected him for a second term. Don't all be whiny bitches about a president that nobody likes. The fact of the matter is that a majority of your country wanted him in power. That's the country in which you live. Isn't democracy a bitch? It's always giving an equal voice to everyone. How annoying! So any American that doesn't want to see Bush in power is now officially a democracy-hating fascist and must be excommunicated. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Building a Tolerance

Disclaimer: In no way to I support alcoholism or any similar (indirect) problems. The following article is a summary of my research and should, in no way, be taken as professional medical advice. The following article is solely for the purpose of entertainment. That being said I will now teach you…

How to Build a Tolerance to Alcohol

The ability to consume large amounts of alcohol while staying conscious is nowadays directly associated with maturity and, in the case of men, masculinity. It goes without saying that puking after 3 drinks won’t get you any respect. Acting stupid within the first hour of a party will have you labeled as the “cheap date” or ‘easy drunk” and will probably have people annoyed resulting in the decline of future invites. Before you try anything, first you must decide which type of tolerance is right for you.

Functional Tolerance – I’ve had a few people boast to me that puking from over consumption has given them a higher tolerance. This is partly true. Puking has nothing to do with the process. The reason they’ve noticed a higher tolerance is from the sudden over intake. This sudden over intake on weekends will gradually create a need for more alcohol to reach the same level of intoxication. It will not, however, lead to you being able to hold onto your motor and reasoning skills. In short, you won’t feel a buzz after 3 drinks, but you also can’t solve a puzzle.

Learning Tolerance – This, in my opinion, is the better form of tolerance. Instead of taking in a lot of alcohol to build your tolerance, you’d take in a small amount then start working on your motor, logic and balancing skills. This will train your brain to think and act clearly even with alcohol in your bloodstream. You may notice that you’ll still feel moderately intoxicated after 3 drinks, but you’ll still be able to walk straight and not spill everyone’s drinks. To me, this seems like the ideal option for a slick social drinker that wants to drink to take the edge off but doesn’t want it interfering with his/her ability to work the room.

Environmental dependant tolerance – Have you ever noticed that when you drink in your basement you can put away two 40s and not feel a thing but at the bar 1 drink will get you to nirvana? This is due to environmental dependent tolerance. When frequently drinking small doses in a certain area, one can manage to develop functional tolerance (see above) in that specific area. To simplify, with this tolerance, 2 drinks at the office equals 4 at the bar. (Figures are only for demonstration purposes).

Think Sober – Have you ever given a friend a drink with little or no alcohol and they’ve still shown symptoms of a drunk? This is because their mind is so set on getting drunk, that their brain will tell their bodies to not break down the alcohol and allow the body to feel drunk. In turn, if you think that you want to stay sober and try and be sober, your brain will tell your body to quickly and efficiently break down the alcohol and not have it intoxicate you as heavily.

In the end, it all comes down to self discipline. If you want to stomach your drink, you have to have control over yourself; Act cool, don’t go wild, don’t overdo it to impress, etc. etc. If you regularly exercise control as well as follow proper guidelines, you just might be the person with whom everyone wants to share a drink.

For more detailed info, check out: http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/alerts/l/blnaa28.htm

http://www.rochester.edu/uhs/healthtopics/Alcohol/tolerance.html

http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/aa28.htm

Talking to the People You Hate

There are 6 billion people in this world and each one can be useful to you and provide you with something. If they happen to be your friend, then great, they already provide you companionship. If, on the other hand, they're your enemies, then you have no use for them. Not only will they not help you with anything, but they might also hinder your progress in the future. In simple terms, enemies are not productive. Even if their voice gives you a migraine and their face boils your blood, never sever ties with anyone no matter how much they annoy you. There is always some way that someone will be useful to you. Always be civil because you never know when you might call upon that car salesman for a good deal on a new Jeep or the plumber with some pipe problems. As much as you may hate someone, always make them think you two are chums. Though they may annoy you, interacting with these assholes improperly can result in a setback in your personal or professional life. In this random brain fart of mine, I'll discuss some tips for making the best of these situations.

Avoid direct gaze - Looking directly in someone's eyes will only further aggravate you. To help you keep a cool and logical head, shift your gaze a few inches to the left. If this annoying person is superior to you (ie: boss, supervisor), go as far as their right ear but no further. Straying your gaze too much might make you seem arrogant. If however you are the dominant one in the conversation, it's ok to even look away while the person is talking to you. This will help you collect your thoughts while you avoid the distracting eye-to-eye contact. At the same time it send the signal that you are listening to them, but also mentally incorporating ideas of your own into the situation.

Breath - As simple as it may sound, always try to breath deeply and properly. Full and proper breaths bring an invigorating dose of oxygen to your brain and keep you alert. Improper breathing will have you feeling cranky and more likely to act rash and give in to your less mature side causing you to act foolishly in this stressful situation. To aid proper breathing, sit up straight. Slouching puts pressure on your diaphragm and lowers the capacity of your lung. When you feel yourself getting annoyed with the person, straighten up and fill your lungs with that rich, oh so yummy oxygen that you crave. It'll make all the difference. A straight, proper posture will give you the appearance as being more confident and will reduce the badgering by others. For more detail, check http://www.focalpointyoga.com/Breathtechniqu.htm

Be a tool man - A good tool man makes good use of his tools. I've been burned several times by my heat gun at home but that won't stop me from using it. Obviously, at those times, I wasn't using it properly. I will, however, keep using my heat gun because it kicks ass at loosening paint before I scrape it. In the same way, a person in your life may hurt you occasionally. This isn't reason to sever ties, rather a lesson on how to properly use the person. For example if one of your friends is a loud mouth and can't hold a secret, use them to spread word of a party. Everyone can be useful to you. If you let someone annoy you then your not using them properly.

Stay away from the funhouse - If you don't want to bring out the traits that you hate so much in the person, don't give them a chance to mirror them. For example, if your acquaintance is full of himself/herself, don't start talking about yourself as it will have break out into a full out rant about how amazing they are. You have to realize that an annoying person is like a funhouse mirror. Your moderate actions will be reflected in either blown up or minimized proportions. Try to find the flat spot in the mirror where you can have a rewarding conversation without being peeved by the annoying reaction as a result of the person's severe character flaws.

Well I guess that about wraps it up. I don't want to go into too much detail. this is supposed to be easy, short reading, not a novel. If this peaked your interest then you should definitely check your library for "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. Always remember that enemies are useless and it is imperative to find a way around anyone's flaws. This will not only allow you to advance in your business and social life, but also make you less stressed and possibly live a healthier life.

Bathroom Emergencies

You will visit the toilet about 2,500 times in your life. Have you every read any safety tips? People that fly in a plane once a year will still look at the "in case of emergency" brochure. Would you be prepared if, when on the crapper, you suddenly fell into the water and discover that you seat CANNOT be used as a flotation device? I've compiled a list of toilet techniques one should not be without.

I'll start with the emergency procedures. I'm sure that you've once dropped a mega deuce that plugged the toilet and cause the water to rise. It's at times like this that most people re-kindle their religion and pray. "Oh God, please no" they'll say in hopes that the water won't reach the brim and cause the sewer rats to fall onto the floor. In cases like this, you must quickly remove the cover on the toilet tank and lift the balloon shaped thing. This will stop the water flow to the bowl and give you a chance to recover from shock and plunge the problem.

Every so often, it happens. Someone uses the last of the toilet paper and leaves you high and dry...well...not so dry. Here's a quick list of what to do in such an emergency.

• Should you find yourself at home, you could take a quick jump into the shower and use it as a standing bidet. When stuck in a public facility, the situation become a tad stickier.

• Though it may not be as pleasant, the cardboard roll itself may be unrolled and used as a makeshift piece of tp. Wetting it first may make the situation slightly more bearable but you then risk devastating rips at the most inopportune times when wiping to abrasively.

• When in a public restroom, you might be lucky enough to have paper towels near the sink. A mad commando dash with minimal thigh swiping might be in order. Such a lifeline isn't available for bathrooms with those blow jobby hand dryers.

• The final option is a last resort. In moments of sheer desperation, one may remove their underwear and use it to clean the required area. It's not a pretty picture but in instances of toilet warfare, not everything can be hibiscus and lilacs.

When in the wilderness and without the luxury of a toilet, potty techniques aren't the habituated norm.

• Your standard leisurely dump will require you to find a firmly rooted tree. Grab hold of the tree with both hands then pop a large squat. In this position you can defecate efficiently without worrying about mudding yourself. The sensation is quite different from what you may be used to at home.

• In some instances, you may not want you poop to be smelled. This could be because you don't want to attract predators and enemies, or because you don't want to scare off prey or your friends with the nasty stench. In cases like these, dig a toilet bowl size hole in the ground. Lie down with your butt over the hole and do your do. When finished, burying your dirty work is quick and easy.

Following these instructions will ensure survival in any location in which you chose to defecate. Don't hesitate to post comments or questions about any additional toilet matters. I'm an experienced veteran in the field.