Lose Weight With Little Effort

Everyone is looking for a magic fix. Nobody wants to work to lose weight and the reality is that, sometimes, they don't need to. Funny, huh? The truth is that a suprisingly significant weight loss can be achieved through a series of small decisions. There's no secret to any of this. You can find it out on your own through surfing but I'm going to deliver them all to you because: a) I'm an amazing and sympathetic individual and b) You're a lazy shlub who's constantly looking for the quickest, easiest way to squeeze into a bathing suit this swim season. So, without further adieu, here's what you're going to do to shed pounds and why.

What: Eat spicy foods.
How: Order the spicy meals at restaurants and buy a bottle of hot sauce for home. Whatever you feel can be spiced up (i.e. chili, pasta, bbq meat)
Why: There are many reasons why spicy foods will help you lose weight. You'll end up eating less. You'll drink more water. Your metabolism will go up causing you to burn more fat. Your digestive system works harder to break down spicy foods. All together, you can't go wrong with a little spice in your life. While it's a myth that spicy foods will cause an ulcer, it's true that spicy foods may aggravate pre-existing stomach conditions.

What: Eat early in the morning.
How: Eat as many quick, healthy meals as you can in the morning (i.e. instant oatmeal, an apple, egg in the microwave)
Why: The sooner you eat in the morning, the sooner you get your metabolism running in the day. In this way, you can maximize your bodies fat burning efficiency each day.

What: Eat sparingly and frequently
How: Ziplocs will become your new best friend in this task. Cereal, dried fruit, almonds, etc. can all be placed in Ziplocs and whipped out when you're feeling even a fiendish. You'd be surprised at how well a snack-sized Ziploc of almonds will crush a hunger pang.
Why: This works to make you lose weight in two ways. Firstly, it prevents you from gorging when a big meal comes along. Secondly, frequent food intake lets your body know that it isn't in a situation of starvation and it has the green light to go ahead and burn as much fat as is needed since fat storage isn't required.

What: Eat with chopsticks.
How: Not too hard to figure this one out. When the meal allows (stir fry, chicken pieces, chinese noodles) eat with chopsticks.
Why: Your lack of cultural diversity will inevitably cause you to eat your meal more slowly and will give your stomach the proper time to tell your brain when it's full. Surprisingly, there's a 20-minute gap between the time you've eaten enough and your brain knows that you've eaten enough. Some people will eat an extra 20 minutes worth of extra food that will become fat and leave you with that painful stomach-bursting sensation.

What: Use ankle weights.
How: Ankle weights are these straps that wrap around your ankle with velcro. Some models contain a series of half-pound sand bags that allow you to adjust the weight. Most models are quite discreet and will go unseen when covered with pants.
Why: Every step will have you burning more calories. A trip up the stairs becomes an amped-up mini workout. This is one of my favorite methods because it totally blends a full leg workout into your day.

What: Use small spoon, tall glasses, and small plates without patterns.
How: The wonders of capitalism make this quite the easy task.
Why: All these items will trick your mind into thinking that your consuming more food than you actually are. This will cause you to eat and drink less. How much less? Using a tall, slim glass will cause you to pour yourself about 34% less drink than you would if you used a short, stubby glass. Using a small, plain plate will have you eating about 23% less than a large, decorated plates. Using a smaller spoon will sometimes cause you to eat up to 36% less food than you would with a larger spoon.

What: Sit up
How: Stop slouching, you lazy shmuck.
Why: Sitting up straight will cause you to contract your lower back muscles and will stretch out your abs. This gradually works your core and might just be the final step into getting some defined six-pack line in your stomach.
What: Have a soup/salad
How: Tell the nice waiterman that you'd like the soup du jour or a salad
Why: A warm soup or a fresh salad 15 minutes before your meal is likely to have you eating less of your meal. Odds are, your meal will contain much more fat than a soup or salad.

What: Eat brown bread
How: When the waiter at your favorite breakfast joint asks if you want white or brown bread, take the brown. When at the grocery store, forget about your bleached white bread. Opt for something multi-grain
Why: White bread is garbage. It's chemically bleached and has absolutely no health benefits. Whole wheat bread has the fiber and nutrients you'll need to have a slim figure

So there you have 10 ways to lose weight without any hard work on your part. That's right, Benny Hill, even you can shed a few pounds. If you think this is all you'll need to do, you're wrong, as usual. To get the body everyone wants you to have, you're going to have to sweat but until you get your lazy ass off the couch, these tips should help you get started on the road to sweating off your jello butt and rubber love handles. Lastly, as glorious as I may be, I'm not your doctor. Before making any big dietary decisions, you should discuss your hair-brained ideas with a physician. See ya soon. Don't come back until you're slim.

Beat Your Kids. They'll Thank You For It Later

I'm not one to tolerate stupidity in any of it's forms. Actions and words that haven't been properly thought out before they're thrown into a social situation are nails on a blackboard to me. That's why, above all else, I cannot stand kids. What's the appeal of having a drunken midget plowing into your valuables and creating a scene when their inferior, developing bladders burst at the seams?

I don't know about you, but every time I see a bratty kid demand another toy from his weak willed mother, I feel like jumping on him without showing the same shoe removal courtesy as I do to a trampoline. I know what you're thinking: "They're G-d's little miracle", "You were a kid too." Firstly, something that never shuts up and is constantly running into things isn't "a miracle", it's that drunk guy at the party whom everyone wishes would just go home. Secondly, I was never a child. I sublimated into adulthood after I realized that crappy macaroni art and making a scene at department stores isn't getting me on anyone's good side.

I'm sorry for depressing you, Mrs. Soccer Mom. Now you'll have to get yourself some Prozac when you pick up your kid's Ritalin. Don't be too glum; there's hope for you yet. The next time your kid acts up, show 'em the stiff side of your belt. Nothing says: "I love you but I want you to shut the fcuk up" like the smack of leather followed by the sting of a belt buckle. That's right, beat the snot out of your kids, they'll thank you for it later. Until next time; help control the child population by getting yourself spayed or neutered. Peace out, suckas.

How to Make Money Through Blog Advertising

As dumb as you guys all are, I'm sure that even you've noticed that my whole blog is littered with ads. I won't lie; I enjoy making money off of my blog and I'm sure you'd like to do the same with your two-bit internet operations. That's why, being the generous and caring individual that i am, I'll let you in on the best ways to monetize your blog and end up with some extra do re mi in your paypal account.

Blogsvertise - I'd say that this is your #1 starting point when it comes to advertising in your blog. They're the most accepting of n00b, pagerank 0 bloggers. Advertisements get assigned to you by Blogsvertise as well as chosen by you from a "grab bag" of tasks rejected by other bloggers. You'll start of making 2-5 bucks per advertisement, but what do you expect when you barely have any visitors? Later one, you'll be seeing $10-$15 per advertisement with the potential to earn up to $50 per 75 word article.

Sponsored Reviews - This site has a slightly different format. Instead of being offered a wage for your articles, you approach companies with bids and your money making depends on whether or not they accept the offer. What sucks hardest about this site is that they take a nice big cut of your profits so you don't end up making anywhere near the amount you would at

ReviewMe - This site, like blogsvertise, will assign you tasks but it's less reliable. There is no ideal grab bag feature and you could go months between tasks. Keep this site on your back burner.

PayPerPost - This is the site of which I originally wanted to be a part when I decided that i want to get paid to blog. PayPerPost will supply you with a nice long list of advertisers of which you can choose. I'll warn you now that many of them don't appreciate Blogspot as your blog host. Either way, if you have a high enough pagerank, PayPerPost is where you'll start making, on average, $20 per post but, as you get bigger, you could be seeing payouts as high as $150+. It is rather tough to get accepted by them, however. Before accepting you, they'll want to see 10 original, substancial posts within the past 30 days. If you're someone who writes nice, beefy articles, this can be somewhat of a daunting task. For those of you who wimp out and just blog a single line about how you hate your conformist parents or resent the Starbucks corporation, it might be a tad easier to spit out 10 annoying, generic posts.

Blogging Ads - I've yet to receive any assignments from this site. You can try your luck, but I regret wasting time on this.

LoudLaunch - These shnitheads took forever to get back to me and when they finally did, they rejected me. I don't really know why. Their loss. Maybe I'll waste some more time on them a bit later, but I doubt it.

In all these recommendations, I'm assuming you have a rather small and budding blog. If this is the case, then banners and AdSense aren't worth your time. You're not really generating enough traffic to see any profit from these tools. If you're looking to make money off pop-up ads, you're going to have a tough time getting accepted by pop-up ad companies since they have a high standard when it comes to the traffic on the sites they accept.

On a final note, blog advertisement, apart from selling crap on eBay, is the only instance when I made significant money with my online shenanigans. Paid surveys, paid friends networks, paid internet surfing and free Xbox/PS3/Wii programs are all scams and are definitely not worth your time. There's no easy money anywhere on the internet. Don't let any pop-up or banner convince you otherwise. Also, don't let anyone convince you that you're, in any way, equal to me. I'll always be better than you in every way imaginable. I'll always be there to take your women and pee in your toilet tank so that when you flush, pee comes out. Lates, suckas.

How to Survive Torture

We all pray that no harm will ever come to us but sadly, that's not always the case. Since I'm the man who takes you under his wing, I'll teach you how to survive the unthinkable. One day, when you're a covert spy being tortured, you'll think back and thank me for this. Without further adieu, here's how you'll withstand torture.

Plan your escape

If you're fortunate enough to be unmasked when you're brought to your cell, you can already begin to plot your escape. It's important to realize that, even if you co-operate, your captors aren't likely to let you go with a fruit basket and a "thank you" card. Try to remember any codes or hallways you spot. Try to find flaws or patterns in the building. These may just save your life when you're making your daring escape.

Wimp out

When you're being tortured, remember that you're lower than a piece of shit. You should be fearful and submissive at any moment. Though acting like a tough smartass may work for James Bond, it'll piss off your guards and label you as useless or uncooperative. That'll get you killed or tortured harder. Instead of being a rock, be more like a gelatine. Gelatine will mold, squish and give in to any sort of force but it will never let go of its moisture. In the same way, you should show pain (even exaggerate it) but you'll never let go of your information.

Transcend the physical

If you're not a man of religion, then it's time to find God. Many have reported that meditation can help you overcome extreme stress and pain. Buddhist monks have managed amazing physical feats like surviving Himalayan winters or burning to death without moving an inch simply through the power of meditation. Try to take yourself to a better place and, as impossible as it may sound, leave your pain behind.

Pass out

I know you pass out real quick after 4 beers at every frat party you've ever been to, but this is very different. Passing out in this situation can buy you some mercy from your captors if they believe that you are passing out from pain. Their motivation isn't to knock you out with pain, but rather apply as much pain as you can consciously tolerate. There are two ways to manually pass yourself out. The first way is to hyperventilate yourself. Instead of taking regular, shallow breaths, start taking heavy, lung-filling breaths in and out. This disruption will actually mess up with the oxygen getting to your brain. You should go into a trance-like, painfree state just before you pass out. The second way of passing out is by crounching down and taking a few deep breaths. After 5 minutes of heavy breathing, exhale everything in your lungs and stand up quickly. The lack of blood and oxygen in your brain should knock you right out.

Stay Positive

The final, and most important, piece of advice is to never give up. When you give up hope psychologically, your body physically gives into the stress and begins to weaken and shut itself down. You must always remain calm and confident. Freaking, panicking and acting irrational is also negative. It puts additional stress on your body and mind and will only result in an increased probability of you dying.

That, in brief is how one would survive a torture situation. Once again, you should pray that you never have to draw upon any of these skills, but it's always good to be prepared. Try to stay safe and, no matter what, always be strong. Peace out, SuperSpy.

12 Ways To Extend Your Laptop Battery Life

So I'm sitting in the library, saving the world using nothing but a laptop and my trusty jockstrap when, suddenly, my laptop runs out of battery. It seems as if I get less and less time out of my laptop every time. I've decided to go on a quest for longer battery life. I know you want to be just like me, so here's how you can do the same:

1) Uninstall unnecessary programs - This is easy. In the control panel, just click the "Add/Remove Program icon and remove anything you don't use'

2) Clean out your spyware - Spyware can cause unneeded processes to run and waste your battery. Download Spybot S&D and Ad-Aware to fully rid your computer of the pesky bugs. (They're both free, you cheapass)

3) Clean your registry - With all the porn software you download, your registry can get pretty messed up and it can cause your computer to work harder for nothing. Download Wise Registry Cleaner and have your registry spic and span.

4) Blackwash your desktop - Whatever can customized on your desktop in terms of color (ie: windows, taskbar, wallpaper. etc.) should be black. Your laptop screen is normally black and the white is created with a backlight. The less you use your backlight, the more battery power you save. For my windows I use Windows Blinds (that costs money...unless you torrent it) and I use a free skin for Firefox (internet browser). Be careful not to apply Windows Blinds to Firefox. Create an exception for Firefox since, together, they'll suck up a lot of resources. Instead of using Google, use Blackle. It's the same thing but in black. Here's what my desktop looks like. I also like to dim my screen for extra saving.

5) Defragment your hard drive - Your system files, like your messy house, will eventually look like a war zone and nothing is where it should be. When your hard drive has to run around looking for its files, it wastes a lot of battery power. Defragmenting your hard drive will put everything back where it belongs. Go to Start>All Programs>Accessories>System Tools>Disk Defragmenter and push "Defragment." Easy, huh?

6) Stop useless processes - If you're smart enough, you can push Ctrl+Alt+DDel and stop useless process like iTunesUpdater and other useless processes

7) Turn off your wireless card - Some of the newer laptops have a button on the outside that can turn off the wireless network car. If have the ability to do this, then you can save your computer a lot of battery if you don't plan on using the internet.

8) Mute your speakers - Obvious reasons

9) Ditch the auto-save - MS word's autosave feature will use up resources

10) Keep your laptop running at room temperature - When it's too cold, your battery becomes inefficient and when it's too hot, your fan has to work harder to keep your processor cool.

11) Avoid DVDs and CDs - The motor that spins your DVD or CD takes up extra battery power. Running off the hard drive prevents you from having to rely on CD/DVDs

12) Increase your RAM - The more random access memory (RAM) your computer has, the less hard it needs to work to run all the processes. Upping your RAM will give you a noticeably longer battery life.

The extra time you'll get out of your laptop will vary. Personally, I managed to double my CPU life by applying most of these methods. I'm sure that, if you follow these guidelines, you'll see some significant increase in your battery time and you won't have to cut your porn time short. Enjoy, suckas.

7 ways to prevent heart failure

Let's face it, you're not a young buck anymore. You have to start watching your health. The days of being up all night partying and drinking are behind you and the most the thing that would give you the most thrill right now is outliving all you friends. That's why I'm going to help you out with some tips on how to prevent heart failure.

1) Whole Wheat Breakfast - Starting the day with a whole wheat cereal will reduce the risk of heart failure. To qualify as "whole grain" a breakfast cereal must contain at least 25% oat or bran.

2) Excercise - Getting off your couch and taking a brisk 30 minute walk can reduce your risk of heart disease by up to 50%. I think that's well worth it.

3) Stop Smoking - It's obvious that smoking will cause you heart problems further down the road. If you really want to be healthy, kick the habit. Otherwise, enjoy your stinky breath, yellow teeth and black lungs.

4) Booze it up - Once a day, it's actually beneficial to have either a glass of red wine, a light beer or a shot of tequila. Each has its own clinically proven benefits. Including heart disease prevention and cancer prevention.

5) Apples and Oranges - Having coffee every day can make you jittery and raise your stress levels. Stress can eventually lead to heart problems. An apple alone will do a better job of waking you up in the morning. When coupled with an orange, you ensure yourself a great boost for the morning.

6) Enter Sandman - Getting the right hours of sleep will reduce stress and help your body maintain itself more efficiently. Staying up late and sleeping in on weekends doesn't count as getting the right hours. Your body reserves 10 pm to 7 am for deep sleep. Those are the hours you want to target in order to get the full benefit of your slumber.

7) Pill Popping - Taking a baby aspirin daily, surprisingly enough, can lower you risk of heart failure. Aspirin thins out your blood and, in the process, will prevent the formation of clots. Be careful not to take an adult aspirin daily as it could lead to potentially serious bleeding.

There's no guarantee you'll be as healthy as me, even after all these steps. Still, it doesn't hurt to strive to be as much like me as you physically can. No matter what you do, heart failure is still a risk in your older years. Should the day come that you have a heart attack and you have to be defibrillated, you better cross your fingers that it's not part of a defibrillator recall too many people die from faulty defibrillators. On the bright side, if you live to tell the tail, you can make yourself a pretty little lawsuit. Keep healthy, you fat shlub.

How to Catch a Bluff

I play poker every now and then and I'll be the first to admit that I know very little about the game. I just barely know the rules and when it comes to calculating odds, I'm pretty much braindead. How is it that I manage to win all the time and you're losing all your money? Because I never play my own hand, I play everyone else's. Here's a quick way how you can be just like me and milk the bluffers and avoid the big hands. Eventually you'll know how to win at poker (this line, in case you didn't notice, is to hook google searchers).

Eye contact - A bluffer will make very little eye contact since, subconsciously, they feel bad about lying about their hands. When they're hesitant to look people in the eye and sometimes look at objects, that's you're first cue to start raising.

Hand position - When your opponent puts his hands together in front of him, it could be another indication that he's lying. His hands are subconsciously a protection for him since he's afraid that he might be caught.

Check frequency - Someone with pocket aces will only need to look at their hand once. You have to be pretty stupid to forget that you're holding pocket aces. People with shit hands will constantly look back to see if there's any possibility that they might have overseen a possibility. If your opponent looks at his hand 3 or more times, it's safe to say that his confidence is wavering.

Beer behaviour - When sitting around a table in your parents basement playing cards (like you usually do, the ultimate tell can be the beer. After your opponent checks his hand, watch closely what he does with his beer. If he immediately takes a sip and puts it down without hesitation, he's feeling pretty good about himself and you should back off. If, however, you notice that he holds his beer and doesn't drink from it right away or drinks and then fiddles with the label, it's apparent that he's worried about the hand he just saw. If you want to get him to fold out, now would be a good time to scare him off with a high bid.

Calculators - Some people are able to really work out the odds of the deck and can calculate their chances of winning. You should never mistake this for insecurity. Too many people will mistake the calculation for insecurity when, in reality, human calculator are more even more confident after their calculation pause. How can you tell if the hesitation isn't calculation? Once again, it depends on his check frequency. If he checks his cards often, he's not calculating, he's looking for any possible opening for his crappy hand.

If you don't have any friends, you can always play poker online at Full Tilt Poker. Their special offer now is their Full Tilt Poker referral code. I'm assuming this Full Tilt Bonus will let you spend even more money on poker. No matter what PokerStars Bonus Code you use, it doesn't compare to taking your friends money and using it to buy cookie dough ice cream and 2,000 chicken nuggets. It's important to remember that no method is concrete and will work all the time. The method you should be dying to find is one that works MOST of the time. As long as it works more often that it doesn't, you're turning a profit. I know I'll gamble responsibly, and I hope you will too...unless you play against me. In that case, have a bus pass on you because I'll be driving your car home, sucka. Lates

Lightbulbs Are Your Friend

I saw a commercial the other day (I'll post it here if I find it on YouTube). This commercial showed a girl telling her dad about choosing fluorescent light bulbs of incandescent ones. According to the narrator, she had learned this "green" technique from a "go green" representative that came to her school. Does it not strike anyone as the least bit suspicious that children are being indoctrinated with this mountain of shit we know as the green movement? There is still debate as to whether or not man's actions are the reason for climate change. It wasn't long ago that Hitler youth were brainwashed into believing the Nazi ideals. Now we're creating a new generation who is afraid of the world coming to an end and, in order to save the world, we have to invest in the green movement. I was convinced that brainwashing on such a large scale wouldn't happen again since people have learned their lesson since then, but I forgot how fucking blind Americans are. What else should I expect from a nation of which 20% of the population doesn't know that the earth revolves around the sun.

So I will continue to buy my non-green light fixtures and I won't listen to Al Gore, whose Nashville mansion consumes 10 times more electricity than the standard home. I'm going to buy the highest wattage chandeliers and ceiling light fixtures and you're going to continue spending a fortune on "energy-friendly" light bulbs. Do you know why? Because I don't believe everything a 2-minute commercial and a single, crappy "documentary" tells me. You, on the other hand, are a sheep. You'll go wherever you're herded will ultimately end up squeezed dry. The only way out of this grim fate is to hire me as your personal digital mentor and send me $5 a month via paypal. Could you really afford not to?

How To Be The Nice Guy And Still Get The Girl

It happens all too often and it’s a sad sight to see; a guy thinks he’ll charm a girl by being the rebellious bad boy. Unfortunately, not all girls want to be with Charlie Sheen’s character in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. If this is the case with the girl you’re seeing, you might have to change your tactics because, in this day and age, nice guys don’t always finish last. Here are some ways to be the perfect nice guy and get the girl.

Steal the snake’s venom

Sometimes girls will tell you that they love the bad boy attitude and it’s hard to understand why. He’s dishonest, insincere and rude. All the traits you wouldn’t want to see in a mate. However, he does possess one trait that overpowers all the others: confidence. No matter what you’ll see the bad boy do, he’ll do it with confidence. So even though a woman might be dragged through the mud by her boyfriend, she still knows that he’s a strong, confident man. If you can be a nice guy and still show her you’re confident and strong, then you’re money.

Dangerously Good

You should never confuse being nice with being boring. It’s all too often that nice guys fall into the trap of being boring with all their orthodox compliments and actions. One reason why girls get turned off of the “nice guy” is because he lacks excitement and unpredictability. Try taking her places she’s never been to or do things she’s never done. When the excitement puts her on her toes, she looks to you for guidance and the fact that you’re playing the nice guy makes you look ten times greater.

Don’t let your job define you

One pitfall into which the “nice guy” sometimes falls is talking too much about his job. Unless you’re a professional rock climber or a daredevil, your job is boring. You can’t mask it. It doesn’t usually make for great conversation because, even though you may be passionate about it, she’s not. The “bad boy” will usually talk about exciting events that will grab the date’s attention as opposed to a ritual he does all day every day. Instead of yapping on about your occupation, try talking about life experiences and, if you’re lucky and don’t act boastfully, she’ll be impressed and possibly relate to them.

Over Polite

Chivalry is an art that will never die; however, it can very easily be overdone. When guys get nervous and insecure about a girl’s feelings, they often try to be over polite to compensate. It’s obvious how this can backfire. There’s nothing wrong with opening a door for your date but when you start to stand when she leaves the table and holding her chair while she sits down is a bit excessive and will not only make her feel awkward but also make you seem creepy. Keep the gestures moderate and within current society’s norms and you’ll do just fine.

Save Your Smiles

Even though you may be excited and you’re smiling because you’re nervous, smiling too much makes you seem weak and no woman worth having is drawn to weakness. Everywhere in nature, a smile is sign of fear and submission. From monkeys to wolves, animals use the smile to lower themselves in front of dominant figures. Your smile can be your white flag or your ultimate weapon. Holding your smile for when it counts not only makes you seem more confident, but also makes you appear more sincere in your toothy grin.

Blinded by the light

One of the best trademark techniques of the nice guy is listening. Unlike the “bad boy”, the nice guy will take an interest (or at least pretend to take an interest) in what his date has to talk about. If there’s one subject people love, it’s themselves. When you’re with your date, try keeping the spotlight on her. She’ll love the conversation and, to her mystery, she’ll like you even though she knows little about you. You just seemed so bright the whole night by shining the spotlight on her.

In summary, the ideal “good guy” will take the better points from the “bad boy” and rid himself of all the stereotypes associated with being the nice guy who finishes last. If you manage to find your perfect mix of danger and charm, you’ll not only give your date a great time, but also leave her with a craving for more. Until next time; be good and be cool.

11 Ways to Have a Better, More Trafficked Blog

So it’s been about 9 months since I’ve started this blog and, in that time, my hits per month have gone up 600% That’s 600x time better anything you’ve done. Since I’m an infinitely nice guy, I’ll let you know how you can do the same and share in my success and increase your blog traffic with QUALITY hits.

Rule #1: Nobody gives a shit about what you had for breakfast or when you bought the latest Hannah Montana album. If you expect to get hits, you have to write something people want to read. What do people want to read? People want to read about their favorite person: themselves. To every living, breathing individual, nothing is more important than their own lives. Anyone else’s life or opinions, with few exceptions, has little importance to them. Good writing will help the reader and isn’t just a vent of how crappy your egg McMuffin was this morning. Let the reader know shit they want to hear…like how to improve their blog.

Rule #2: The human brain is frustrated by having to read narrow columns. A lot of time is wasted by traveling from the end of one line to the beginning of the next one. Overall, it makes your articles look a lot longer than someone would want to read. When you start off on any free blogging service, like blogspot, find a template elsewhere online and switch it right away. It’s a simple copy paste. Knowing some basic HTML helps out mounds.

Rule #3: Add pictures with every entry. Nobody likes seeing a page full of text. It’s intimidating to see and no one who’s leisurely surfing the net wants to brave through a daunting text. Whenever possible, add a picture of a half naked woman. You have no idea how many people you’ll pick up from Google images searches. About 10% of those people will stick around and read some articles.

Rule #4: If you plan on making money, keep them out of the way of your articles. If your text is littered with stupid advertisements, you can bet your sweet Pringles-eating ass that your readers will hit the “back” button after 3 seconds.

Rule #5: Sign up with www.blogsoldiers.com . This is an online system in where you surf other people’s blogs in exchange for hits to your own. If you sit down with it for about an hour, you’ll have a nice trickle of hits from it for the next few months. This isn’t really generating quality hits since people will only stop by your page for the mandatory 20 seconds then leave but, occasionally, you’ll catch someone who sticks around and reads your articles. If that person enjoys your blog enough to check back (happened to me on several occasions) then you know your page is eye-catching and you’ve done a good job in the design and layout.

Rule #6: Sometimes hundreds of hits to your blog depend on just one word. One relevant word that you forgot to include could cost you. Download yourself a keyword fisher. You’ll enter your subject and it’ll search the net for relevant words that bigger sites use. Using the suggested relevant words could help you get more hits from Google searches.

Rule #7: Stay away from dodgy hit generators. I know this sounds a bit hypocritical considering rule #5, but blog soldiers is an exception. Google will be able to tell when your hits are fakes and you’ll end up with a lower pagerank.

Rule #8: Keep your game clean and avoid porn. There are 3 reasons for this. Firstly, you’re limiting your readership when there’s nudity on the page. People will avoid reading articles when others are around (in class, coffee shops, libraries, etc.). Secondly, when guys start seeing full out nudity, they’ll forget all about your site and go to their favorite porn site. Lastly, you’ll qualify for fewer advertisers when you have adult content on your site. Stick semi-naked to the semi-naked pics and you’ll be fine.

Rule #9: Sign up to a traffic analyzer site like www.sitemeter.com. You’ll be able to see what people are searching up to get to your site and which of your links are working. This will give you some hints as to where to advertise next.

Rule #10: No one will psychically know about your blog and enter the URL. You have to get your name out on the web. The more diverse link you have pointing towards your blog, the better. People will come from all over and Google will give you a higher pagerank, which will further boost traffic. Post links in the comments section of similar posts in popular blogs or sites. Ask any contacts with high pageranks to link to you. Never copy and paste a standard message like “I have some more good tips at www.imadouch.com” all over the net. Google will pick up on this and see you as a spammer. Write a unique message every time.

Rule #11: Even if you have a surge of good ideas for articles, don’t write them all at once. Jot some notes down and save them for later. All too often, writers will get burnt out after writing a dozen entries and not post for another few months, if at all. This irregularity is also bad for readers who might just be returning for the first time and will be deterred from returning again because of the lack of updates.