How to Destroy Rumors

You just heard, from a trusted friend, that a rumor is going around about you. In the schoolyard you wouldn’t hesitate dishing out the swift kicks to the nuts or, if you’re a pansy, running to the teacher. Unfortunately, we’re in the real world and if you want to dispel rumors about you, you’re going to have to be 50 lbs. smarter and 25 g sneakier. Here’s what you have to do to clear your good name.

Anticipate the Prophecy

While you’re trying to shoot down rumors about you, you have to realize that people will be talking to you with the rumor in mind. For example, if rumor has it that you’re an asshole, co-workers will be mean to you without giving you the chance to speak. It’s crucial to be above the rumors and not let them transform you into a subject that suits their purpose.

The Boomerang Effect

Under no circumstances are you to address the rumor directly. It doesn’t matter how apparent or “out in the open” your rumor is. Trying to directly shoot down the rumor will result in the boomerang effect and suddenly the whole playground knows you wet your Batman sheets. Trying to directly suppress a rumor only has people more engaged in it and will increase its popularity. Actions speak loud than words.

Acting Against

Destroying a rumor through pure action is the hardest, but most effective, route to take. For example, if word goes around that you’re the office bitch and you won’t say anything if the shit rolls downhill to your desk, then you’re going to have to be pretty aggressive and slightly obnoxious in order to fight the rumor. A simple polite refusal, even though it’s going against the idea people have of you, won’t do anything in the long run. In this case you’d actually have to speak up and tell the weasel that he should be doing his own work and that you have way too much for people to start pawning their crap onto you. It may not be pleasant, but destroying a rumor is dirty work.

Have a Wingman

Sometimes, a rumor is so powerful that whatever sneak things you say will mean dick all. In this case, it’s time to bring out the “big guns.” You need to get a friend of yours to spread your good PR. If he can manage to sneak a compliment about you into a conversation like “Joe may sometimes seem like a shy harmless guy, but when he gets upset, legs get broken.” Having someone candidly mention something about you, even briefly, makes the listener feel as if he’s heard something un-staged and, therefore, true. This makes him much more likely to pass the message on and spread the newly injected counter-rumors about you.

Shut Down the Shit Factory

If you’ve ever lived through a werewolf outbreak, you’ll know that the only way to cure the epidemic is to kill the original werewolf. In the same way, to destroy a rumor, you must target the source. In a small environment, anyone that has heard the rumor is likely to have heard it from him. If this is the case, then discrediting his name might just clear any rumors about you. Try to throw in a comment or two about how he enjoys spreading rumors about everyone in the office. If people think that they might also be a victim, they’re likely to forget about anything they heard about you and, in the future, not listen to anything the original shit disturber has to say.

The Prince

Should someone confront you and ask you if the rumor about you is true, I don’t care how angry you are, you have to give off the impression that the whole thing is a stupid and silly playground drama. If you’ll learn anything from Machiavelli it’s that you’re more influential when you’re loved than when you’re hated. Tell the confronter that it’s a silly rumor and that all Mr. Knob Job does all day is spread rumors for shit and giggles. A light-hearted composure means that the listener’s defense and suspicion is down and he’ll more readily accept your message.

Walk Away

When all else fails, sometimes the best thing to do is to totally ignore the rumor. In most cases, rumors become uninteresting or replaced. In such instances, you can sleep tight knowing that you’re boring old news that nobody cares about anymore. If no one raises anymore dirt to your name, then you have no reason to get all huffy and puffy about what happened in the past.

Stick to the High Road

I don’t care how much these rumors twist your panties, Shirley; you are never to retaliate with another rumor. Firstly, when the original shit disturber finds out, he’ll have no remorse and he’ll drag your name through shit. Secondly, if this turns into a two way piss party, credibility to both your names will be lost. Your image will be reduced to that of rope-skipping school girl. Whatever decisions you make, keep cool. This is damage control not a die hard with a vengeance.

Much like a jigsaw puzzle, there are an infinite number of ways you can screw this up and only one way to get it just right. It’s critical that you think about the situation carefully and decide what course of action is right for you. The better you handle this ordeal, the less you have to worry about future rumors discrediting your name. Just remember to be cool and confident.

Impressing a Date

So you've decided to take a lady out for a fancy dinner but quickly come to the realization that you know shit-all about etiquette. This can either be your time to shine or, alternatively, your opportunity to make a total jackass out of yourself. The outcome of your date could all depend on whether or not you read this article. Now is that a risk you're really willing to take?

Choosing the Restaurant

When choosing a nice place, take a few minute to think of what she might like. Is she fun and adventurous? Try Mexican or Cajun. Romantic and intimate? Go for Italian or French. Quirky and mysterious? How about Japanese or Indian. Try to avoid family joints that could end in embarrassment. Try to be original with your choice. A new experience for both of you could bring you closer.

Basic Table Manners

A few basic gestures go a long way when at the table. Firstly, always wait until the lady is seated. You're a putz if you race to your seat before her. You don't have to make it a big scene and stand up straight like a marine; just casually stall until she sits.
Never play with your cutlery. This may sound stupid and needless to mention, but too many guys will fidget with their utensils out of nervousness. Not only does this make you look like a 5 year-old, but you're also loosing eye contact with your date and just create long awkward silence.
Never refer to any waiter as "garçon", "boy" or "my good man". These clichés won't impress anyone and will only make you look like a pompous douche.

Ordering a Drink (wine)

A properly ordered drink is the first indication that you might, in some way, be cultured in cuisine. If you haven't already read up about wine, don't pretend you know all about it to show off. This will piss off your waiter and could result in you having a bad match with your meal. Instead, ask the waiter (or sommelier) what he would recommend with your meal. When you get the wine, you will be shown the label first. It's important to check the label to make sure you're getting the right wine. People make mistakes and the wrong bottle could cost you a pretty penny or, alternatively, could mean for a mismatched wine with your meal. Now that the wine's been checked, you expect to smell the cork like in the movies, right? Not unless you want to seem like an idiot. The only things you do with the cork is check if it's moldy or cracking. A cracking cork could mean that pieces fell into the wine during fermentation and "corked" it. Mold doesn't mean the wine's bad, taste it first. When initially poured a sample, hold the glass by the stem (so as not to warm it) and smell it (you could examine it for sediment first, but don't take too long, that's pushing it). If it smells like old gym socks, that's the first bad sign. You should be able to pick up on some flowery, fruity or earthy smells. Red wine may need a gentle swirl to aerate. When you taste the wine, don't just gulp it down. Sip a bit and, while it's in your mouth, try to gently chew it. This will again activate some of the palate of the wine. If you like what you're tasting, then you'll give the waiter the okay to pour for the table. He should fill up the woman's glass first then come back to you. One last thing to remember before you enjoy your wine; never swirl a glass of wine that's more than 2/3 full; you risk making a mess of the table and a fool of yourself.

Ordering a Drink (cocktail)

When sitting down at a lounge, you're going to need to know how to order a drink. As classy as the trademark "vodka martini, shaken not stirred" may seem, it's not how we order drinks in the real world. When asking for your chosen liquor, it's important to specify which brand. Otherwise you'll probably be given the cheapest brand available. So a "whiskey and coke" should be a "jack and coke." Next you need to let the waiter/waitress know how much alcohol you want in your mixture (single or double). So far that's a "jack and coke, double." Lastly, you want to let the order taker know in what kind of glass you want your drink: tall or short. That leaves us with a "jack and coke, double-short." On a personal note, two drinks stand out as more masculine than others. Those being: a) jack and coke, whiskey never goes out of fashion as a man's drink. b) absolute and pineapple, vodka mixes very well with juices. Pineapple is something not heard as often as "OJ" or "cranberry" and it's been said to have other benefits.

Ordering Food

Avoid foods that will make you look messy or make a scene. This means that finger-lickin' ribs are best reserved for your night with the guys. If you don't know how to use chopsticks, then either learn now or ask for a fork. Spaghetti is also ill-advised for obvious reasons. Other than that, there's no real rules to which you need to adhere. It's understandable that you might not know everything and it's okay to ask your waiter about a certain meal but try asking your date first. Giving her an opportunity to help you out (even with something so trivial) will make her feel more useful to you and could possibly end up bringing the two of you closer.

Table Etiquette (continued)

Try to avoid looking at your date while she's eating. Eating is a sign of vulnerability and a strong gaze is likely to make her uncomfortable. Carefully avert your line of sight while she's putting food in her mouth. With the corner of your eye, check when she's at least halfway into chewing before looking at her again. This will make you appear less intrusive and will lighten the general atmosphere.

Tipping

A hefty bill tends to discourage many from properly tipping. The tip is something you have to take into consideration while ordering and you can't cheap out at the final round. A fantastic waiter should be seeing about 20% of the total bill. An average waiter that pretty much did their job should get the average 15%. Though you might not want to share this with your date, outright rudeness on the waiter's part might push him/her to 10%. Credit cards make this process a lot easier. Try to avoid annoying debit cards.

What you do after the restaurant is left for you to decide....or wait until I write another article telling you what to do. Eating out shouldn't be a stressful activity. The goal of this article wasn't to scare you, just to bring your attention to certain details that might make a big difference in the outcome of your date. Try to be generally well informed, confident and, above all, in tune with your date. No strict set of rules can tell you what your specific woman is looking for. Relax and enjoy.

Credit/Further research:
http://starchefs.com/features/editors_dish/etiquette/index.shtml
http://www.chiff.com/wine/ordering.htm
http://www.wikihow.com/Order-a-Drink-at-a-Bar

Valentine Gift Crisis? De L'Au Dela

Valentine's day is just around the corner and I know you lazy bums are looking for something to get your sweetheart at the last minute. I know what you're thinking: flowers and chocolates will have you covered...yeah, nothing says I love you like cleaved flora and love handles in a box.
In case you didn't detect my sarcasm, it's time to get your love something a bit more original. That's where De L'au Dela comes in. The phrase De L'Au Dela is French for "otherworldly" or "out of the ordinary."They make handcrafted original items (catch the idea yet, Einstein?). This isn't the $8 plastic crap you'll get from H&M or fake jewelry from eBay. The bracelets, for example, go from $15 - $25. For those who don't know, that's an awesome price for real stones like turquoise, aquamarine and real Swarovski crystals.
If you want to get another "oh that's so sweet," you can stick with your done-to-death valentine gifts. If you're looking for a real response (and a real reward, if ya know what i mean) then De L'Au Dela is what you're looking for. If you have something specific in mind, they even do custom jewelry at request. Also, how many other jewelry companies will offer you free repairs in case of a break? Bottom line, if you're looking for authentic jewelry and don't want to bust your wallet, De L'au Dela is what you're looking for.

OMFG! Lindsay Lohan Britney Spears!!!

Lately, I've noticed that a celebrity's popularity is directly proportional to how drugged up they are. Suddenly, it's become cool to be a public fuck up. Britney Spears is still the talk of the town for holding her child hostage in a bathtub. Lindsay Lohan is no longer pretty. She looks like a coked up granny that belongs at the Vegas slots. But for some reason, you'll still be searching for them on the news feeds to see what they're up to/how they're screwing up today. Don't think that these druggies aren't loving the attention they're getting.

Once upon a time, a celebrity had to have talent to be famous and when they stopped making music/acting/modeling and just partied and hit up the drugs, they would become a has-been (ie: Vanilla Ice). Now, celebrities have it easy. They're famous for being famous and don't have to work for the attention. Odds are, you didn't come here looking for my bitching. Instead you were hoping to see some news about the downward spiral of Britney Spears or photos of a decrepit Lindsay Lohan. You make me sick. Stop making yourself feel better by prying into someone's fucked up life and glorifying them in the process. You're almost as pathetic as the ones who are actually getting this attention. Read real news, you desktop paparazzi. Word to your mother.

Screw up Vs Google Popularity graph...I'm so scientific

7 Ways to Avoid Getting Sick this Winter

Winter is just around the corner and millions of people are more confused that a baby in a topless bar when it comes to how to avoid the terror we call "swine flu." When you don't take care of yourself properly, you're not only making yourself feel like shit, but you're also unpleasant to be around. Here are some easy ways to have you performing at your best through times when the environment tears people down.

Vitamin C

I'm not advocating vitamin C as a wonder drug that cures everything, but when it comes to colds and your immune system, having your proper dosage is irreplaceable. Winter is when some of the best citrus come in from Florida. A daily grapefruit, orange or few clementines as a snack will give you an adequate force field against germs.

Dress Warmly

Toughing the cold isn't macho, it's stupid. Even though you think you can tolerate the cold, you're just making your body a weaker, less efficient machine by lowering your immune system. This allows the airborne shit people cough up to get into your body and convert you into a zombie.

Purell

Purell, though some may see it as a Godsend, is not an appropriate long term solution. Have you ever thought about why they advertise that it kills 99.9% of germs? What happens to that last .1%? That last .1% is actually formed an immunity to your disinfectant. With repeated use of Purell, you better believe that this strain of superbug will multiply and the western world will have a much bigger epidemic; what to do against a germ that won't just be killed by a $2.99 bottle from the pharmacy. Do yourself and your kids a favor and build yourself a healthy immune system instead of trying to sterilize your world. You're only kicking yourself in the ass when you decide that 99.9% clean is favorable.

Get Adequate Sleep

Take advantage of the early nights by letting yourself fall asleep sooner. Not only are you mentally alert after a full night's sleep, but your body is also biologically alert to fight off your friends' disgusting airborne phlegm. When you and your kids go through the day tired and sluggish, you better believe that your immune system is feeling the same way. A good general would never send weary soldiers to the front line; in the same way, you shouldn't be putting your body up to the fight against illness when it's not fully charged. If you're having trouble sleeping, have a look at my article on how to sleep better at night.

Stay Hydrated

Being dehydrated not only makes you sluggish and drowsy, but it also does the exact same thing for your white blood cells that usually fight off bacteria. Your body needs water like your engine needs oil. Just like oil, water just helps all the processes of your body run smoother. Also just like oil, it's easy to forget when you're due for a refill. A good trick to avoid dehydration is leaving a bottle of water on your desk or with you at all times. You'll be surprised at how quickly you manage to down a bottle (and also how quickly you'll be running to the pisser).

Watch out for Public Phones

With the potential of having hundreds of people spitting on them daily, public phones have managed to be more filthy and germ-encrusted than public bathrooms. This doesn't mean you should set a restraining order, just try to avoid them when possible. When using one is necessary, be weary of all the germs that are lurking on the mouthpiece and try not to get too comfortable with the handset.

Elbow Sneeze

This may sound gross at first, but it's actually been found to be better to cover your nose with your elbow when sneezing instead of with your hands. This will not only prevent you from passing your nasal-dwelling fecal matter to others, but will also stop you from helping the bacteria find an easier way in through your ears, nose or mouth after your nose kicked it out.

You'll notice that nowhere did I mention getting a flu shot. I'm not a big believer in the flu shot and, unless you've researched the topic for yourself, you shouldn't be either. Pop quiz: what's in a flu shot? It's actually small doses of that very ailment. Some people fight it off easily and, as result, will have a body that is now immune to that sickness. Other people will just flat out get sick from the stuff and will therefore have paid some $10-$20 to sit at home with a pulsating head and oozing nose-goblins. Whatever you choose to do with your body, I'm still much better than you. Enjoy the winter, subordinates!

Disclaimer: This information is the result of extensive research and is in no way a medical opinion.

Ripped Jeans Aren't Cool. They're Stupid....like you

When I buy a product, unless I'm getting a killer deal, I like to buy it new. As I pass by all the usual yuppie shops, I notice that people are generally willing to pay more for pre-ripped jeans. How has our society come to this? How has dressing like a hobo become a status symbol? Just because God gave you an ass that was already cracked, doesn't mean the same logic should be applied to your fashion. I don't think you look cool if your jeans are all ripped up; I think you need a new pair of jeans because yours now look like shit. You wouldn't buy socks with fashionable holes. Nor would you buy underwear with designer shit stains. But jeans that look like you nabbed them out of a dumpster, hey, that's cool. I think that it's safe to say that the more rips in your jeans, the dumber you are and the more you deserve to be parted with your money. I guess that's the only thing I appreciate about those stupid ripped jeans; they stop idiots from doing more dangerous things with their money.

In my everlasting quest to be useful, here are some links that may help you look like a douche:

http://www.wikihow.com/Rip-Your-Own-Jeans
http://www.destroyedbrand.com/
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070724171214AAnWnsg

How To Get A Raise Or Promotion

It's no secret; you want money. People that say money doesn't lead to happiness are full of shit. You'd be much happier if you saw some better digits on your check. Here's some tips I've gathered about how to get that raise or promotion.

Firstly, you must prepare yourself before meeting with the boss. A good general will flank his problem from any side possible (well, maybe not, but screw you for ruining the analogy).

Flower Power - If it's acceptable in your workplace, bring in a plant of potted flower to put on your desk. This not only gives off a warmer and more personal vibe, but it also shows that you actually care about your workplace. It shows that your work is something in which you take pride. I wouldn't recommend this for straight men because...well you'll look stupid.

Clean your desk - I don't give a shit about what any cute phrases have to say about messy desks. If your desk is messy, it means you're having trouble staying on top of things. If you're aiming for a promotion, that will most probably require more responsibility, you're going to want to show you can handle the challenge.

Be on top of your work - Any open work that has been left undone has to be finished. The last thing you need when you're asking for a raise or promotion is for your boss to ask about your procrastinated task and, like an embarrassed putz, you'll have to make up an excuse as to why you haven't gotten around to getting your job done.

Dress for Success - If you didn't already know, the golden rule of clothing in the workplace, here it is: "dress for the job you want, not for the job you have." If you want to convince people that you can handle the job, you have to help them picture you in that position. This means that, even if you can get away with sweatshirt and jeans on some days, you should make the effort to still dress nicely. Dressing like a big shot will get people used to the idea that you are some sort of big deal. We were all told by our mother's that clothes don't make the person, but mommy never said that clothes don't make a good impression of the person.

In a perfect work environment, your boss would fully recognize your efforts and reward you justly. Unfortunately, we don't live in this land of omniscient bosses and one sometimes has to take what he wants. Here's what you do and don't do to ask for a raise or promotion.

Clean yourself up - I don't know what this means for women, but I can help the guys. Here's some invaluable tips to make you look like a million bucks. Your boss will subconsciously form a general idea of you and your history based on how you currently look.

Save the waterworks - Never try to gain any leverage by saying you need the money for a hospital bill or your new child or to pay your rent. Your boss doesn't need to hear your sob story. You're asking for a reward for your hard work and an incentive to continue pushing yourself in the company. This isn't a charity donation and any hint of self-pity will get you nowhere.

Be "you" heavy - Everyone has 1 favorite person in the world; one person that they always care for. That person is themselves. People like it when the topic of conversation is them. This means you should watch your phrasing. Instead of saying "I think I deserve a raise/promotion" say "wouldn't you agree that I deserve a promotion?" Not only does this tell the boss that the topic of thought is his own decision on whether or not to give a promotion, but it also saves him a lot of mental. When you say "I deserve a promotion" the boss thinks to himself "he wants a promotion, do I think he deserves a promotion?" When you ask "wouldn't you agree that I deserve a promotion?, however, the first step in his though process is cut out and is able to immediately think "do I think he deserves a promotion/raise?" Making the metal task easier will likely raise your chance of getting a positive response. This theory comes from the book "How to Talk to Anyone" by Leil Lowndes

Confident in every sense - It's important to give of the impression that you're confident that you deserve this raise/promotion and your not afraid to ask. This means that you can ask as directly as you want, but if you start fidgeting or looking away, you're screaming out "I'm extremely unsure about this!" This means that, firstly, you won't let your eyes stray past his shoulders. Secondly, your hands are to be at your side, never to be crossed in front of you (means your hiding something) and absolutely NEVER anywhere near your face. Putting you hand near your face will not only cause your speech to be less clear, but it also gives off the impression that you're desperately trying to hide behind someone. It would be wise to practice all these rules at first so you don't panic and make a fool of yourself in the actual meeting.

Sticking to these pretty basic guidelines may not guarantee you the promotion or raise, but you're absolutely better off following these steps. Regardless of the outcome, this was not an "act" that's over. You should adopt these habits because they're likely to help you again further down the road. Should you happen to get a raise, I think it's only fair that you send me a thank you card along with $5 via paypal to show your gratitude.

For more reading on the subject, you should check out:

http://www.quintcareers.com/get_a_raise.html

http://www.blogpinker.com/news-blog/news/dos-when-you-asking-for-a-raise.html

http://www.spherioncareerblog.com/hot_topics/how_to_ask_for_a_raise.php

The Spears Family Tradition Continues: Oops They Did it Again.

So it was recently published that Britney Spear's sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant. The kicker is that she's 16 and the "father" (we don't know yet) is 19. Jamie's ecstatic but there's a wee lil' problem: that's statutory rape. How does this shit make the news? Redneck families from Louisiana are popping out babies by the dozen, but because she was in a few 2-bit shows and B-movies and of course is related to Britney, this makes CNN and MSNBC. The best part is, the mother of these two girls just wrote a book about parenting. Apparently the book is on hold now (coincidence?). Feel free to answer me on this one...who the fuck will buy a parenting book written by a woman who raised one daughter that hates her and lost custody of her children (we all know the many reasons) and another daughter that is pregnant at the age of 16? Maybe they weren't informed that a grocery bag from the local Piggly-Wiggly isn't an adequate form of contraception. It baffles me how they aren't ashamed of their dysfunctional family. Even Chris Crocker (the "Leave Britney Alone" activist) can't defend the Spears name on this one. This is just a case of social mobility gone wrong. Continuing in my tradition of fucking with people blindly searching up keywords in google: there are no pictures of britney spears or videos, nor are there any pictures of the pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears here. Hehe, idiots. Lates.

iPhone Sucks And So Do You

It never ceases to amaze me how stupid shit like the iPhone manage to skyrocket in popularity. There are an infinite number of things that suck about the iPhone yet Apple has still managed to convince a handful of idiots with too much money that it's some sort of status symbol. Just for shits and giggles, lets review a list of things that we hate about the iPhone. Feel free to join in whenever.
1) One drop and you'll go running to repair your cracked screen
2) It's shape (similar to that of a 3-pack of condoms) is not convenient as a phone.
3) The internet is nowhere near as fast as the commercials show.
4) No removable battery means a headache whenever you need a new battery or anything that involves taking out the battery.
5) You're paying over 500 bucks for shit you can do on a regular phone but you're just too lazy to figure out how.
6) No games to play when you're bored in a waiting room.
7) Unlike a decent PDA, iPhone will not sync with Outlook. Why? Because Microsoft and Apple aren't best buddies.
8) Those of you who invested the whopping 500 or more for the iphone will be disappointed when they realize that it won't be long till better shit comes out. This isn't the phone to end all phones.
9) Where my Bluetooth/MMS/IM/GPS at?
10) If you want to unlock your iPhone, you better be willing to risk it becoming an iBrick.
11) Those of you who are annoying pricks with your musical ringtones will be sad to hear that iPhone provides no such thing.

Sigh, that was 10 minutes of ranting about the iPhone and I've had my fill. I feel sorry for the suckers who actually buy the damn things. Apparently if I type things like "iPhone applications", "iphone wallpaper", iphone porn" i'll get more hits. Haha, I bet there will be some dumbasses running in here looking for their fix of wallpaper, applications and porn. Too bad, sucka!

Bush Haters

It royally pisses me off when I hear Americans complain about George W. Bush. Whenever Bush comes up, all people seem to be able to do is criticize. Why? Because that's the easy road. Everyone can do. That's what's popular. The point is, America, YOU elected him. Not only did YOU elect him, but it was YOU that decided that he did his job so well the first term, YOU elected him for a second term. Don't all be whiny bitches about a president that nobody likes. The fact of the matter is that a majority of your country wanted him in power. That's the country in which you live. Isn't democracy a bitch? It's always giving an equal voice to everyone. How annoying! So any American that doesn't want to see Bush in power is now officially a democracy-hating fascist and must be excommunicated. So let it be written, so let it be done.