Drinks for Two #4: I came, I saw, I conked her

The dance floor is packed, the lights are strobing and the music is pumping at what feels like 300 BPM. You and your date push through the crowd to make your way to the bar. You're both feeling silly and want to order a shot that you wouldn't ask for in front of your mother. Before ordering remember that shots should be ordered in sets of 3 or more. Any less is just a hassle for the bartender to make.

I'll have a:

Red Headed Slut

1/2 oz. Peach Schnapps

1/2 oz. Jaegermeister

1/4 oz. Cranberry Juice

She'll have an:

Abortion

1/2 oz. Bailey's

1/2 oz. Peach Schnapps

1/4 oz. Grenadine

WARNING: If your bartender is some 19 year old bimbo who got hired for little other reason than her rack, you'll just seem like a douche in front of your date when the half-watt behind the bar will have no clue how to make an abortion, red headed slut, juicy pussy, blowjob, porn star, slippery nipple or buttery nipple.

Drinks for Two #3: Let there be night

You just sat down at a cozy restaurant after a long, relaxing day at the beach. You and your partner both agree you'd like something refreshing while the cool breeze kissing your face brings about a sudden desire for warmth. Getting the best of both worlds is easy if you know what to order:

I'll have a:

Hot Southern Night

3/4 oz. Goldschlager

1/2 oz. Southern Comfort

Fill Cola

The lady will have a:

Killer Kool-Aid

3/4 oz. Vodka

1/2 oz. Melon Liquer

Fill Cranberry Juice

Did you hear the one about the blind prostitute?

Oh, you gotta hand it to her.

Drinks for Two #2: Summer better than others

Summer's here and you're both looking for something cool and refreshing for sitting outside on a nice terrace.

I'll have a:

Gin Fizz

1 1/2 oz. Dry Gin

1 oz. simple syrup

2 oz. lemon juice

Fill club soda

The lady will have a:

Mojito

1 1/2 oz. White Rum

1 oz. lime juice

2 tbsp. sugar

3 sprigs mint

Fill club soda

The lime juice, mint and sugar get muddled in the glass first and are then topped with the rum and soda.

Drinks for Two #1: Chilling in the name of

You're having a great time with your date, both enjoying eachother's company. Laughing and joking, you make your way to the bar. The bartender asks what you two will have. She says "get me something I'll like." You panic as you realize you know nothing outside of a rum & coke, screwdriver and vodka martini - shaken not stirred. Clumsily, you try to spot an alcohol behind the bar and think of a juice and spit the two out at the barman.

"Drinks for two" will be an ongoing article giving you ideas what to order yourself and your date as you approach the bar.

I'll have a:

Perfect Manhattan

1 1/2 oz. Canadian Club
1/2 oz. Dry Vermouth
1/2 oz. Sweet Vermouth
2 Dashes Angostura Bitters

The lady will have a:

Windex

3/4 oz. Vodka

1/2 oz. Blue Curacao

1/4 oz Triple Sec

Fill Bar Mix

How to Cure/Avoid a Hangover

The holy grail of every decent drinking man is the ultimate cure to the anything but elusive hangover. By "decent" drinking I don't mean the 3 Smirnoff Twisteds you slurp down while watching figure skating with your gal pals. I'm talking about the kind of drinking that would get Dracula smashed off your life juice. It's the kind of drinking that makes you swear off alcohol for life...then has you crawling back a week later. I had a look (and try) at all the popular remedies, here's what works and why:

Black coffee the next morning - Not Effective. While I don't particularly enjoy my coffee black, it is helpful. In my

opinion, it doesn't have to be coffee. It just has to be strong in caffeine. Alcohol shrinks your red blood cells when it enters your blood stream. Once it leaves, your blood vessels re-expand causing severe discomfort. Caffeine, like alcohol, also has the ability to constrict your blood vessels. Doing so relieves the discomfort caused by the rapid expansion. The reason this only works slightly is because the relief is fleeting. Coffee, being a diuretic, causes your body to lose even more fluids. When your lacking fluids as it is, draining out even more won't help your cause. Stay away from the caffeine.

Multivitamin - Somewhat effective. Vitamin C and Vitamin B both help the body break down and metabolize the alcohol that' s been suddenly introduced into your system. A multivitamin will also replace some minerals lost in the drinking process. A simple vitamin isn't hard to obtain or ingest and it's just a good habit to take your daily vitamin.

Tall glass of water before bed - Very effective. The main reason for your hangover is because of dehydration. A night of binge drinking drains your body of it's vital water. Forcing yourself to drink a full glass of water ensures that your body won't become a California raisin overnight.

Advil - Not effective. Any pain relief is quite temporary. Also, you have a chance of upsetting your already sensitive stomach and making the situation worse for yourself.

Choose vodka - Somewhat effective. Earlier I mentioned that the main cause of the hangover is dehydration. The second cause is the methyl alcohol you ingested. While ethyl alcohol is the good type that gets you drunk, methyl alcohol is the toxic type that will cause you to go blind and, eventually, kill you. Vodka, by nature, is voided of as many impurities as possible. Also the finer the vodka, the better the filtration, meaning less methyl to give you a hangover. Next time it comes to choosing between your fifth Jaeger bomb or a Ketel One with lime cordial....you know where to go, Boris.

Eat a juicy fruit before bed - Somewhat effective. Again, this follows the principle of rehydrating yourself as well as replacing lost nutrients. Also, drained in the drinking process are your blood sugars. A juicy, sweet pair before bed should help keep your blood sugar level within range through the night.

Ginseng - Not effective. Your local Chines herbal remedy store owner might be quick to prescribe ginseng for your morning-after cranial contractions but don't fall for it. Ginseng, like coffee, is a diuretic and will have you even more dehydrated than before.

Bloody Mary - Effective. Mrs. B Mary has her way of replenishing drained vitamins and mineral, reshrinking blood vessels and rehydrating the body slightly. There is good reason why the Bloody Mary is the classic hangover recipe. I like to add extra Tabasco because not only do spicy foods make you feel full quicker (read my article on slimming foods), but it also speeds up your metabolism, helping your body burn off the unwelcomed alcohol.

Exercise - Effective. A quality exercise will bring cleansing oxygen to your lungs, loosen your stiffened muscles and return proper blood flow to all the areas that need it. While a good workout can do wonders for your hangover, the wrong movements at the wrong pace at the wrong intensity will just make your throbbing head and achy muscles much worse. There are a few important things to remember when choosing your routine. Before you do anything, drink heaps of water. Your body is dehydrated and you're about to sweat out even more water.

• Don't do movements that involve compressing your body. This will sporadically raise your blood pressure and will cause added nausea
• Don't lower your head past your heart. The blood rushing to your head will put unneeded pressure on the blood vessels and will amp up that incessant throbbing
• Opt for light, low impact workouts like yoga, ellipse machine or light weight/high rep workouts
• Give yourself a slow, proper stretch before and after your workout. The last thing you want is to add cramping to the list of why your body is killing you.
• Take frequent sips of water. Remember, you're still on the red line for dehydration
• Some laps in the pool could be the ideal relaxing, low impact workout if your able to do so.

Drinking lime juice - Not Effective. Apparently this helps with your blood sugar level and vitamine c. In my opinion it's too little too late.

Berocca - Not Effective. For those who don't know, Berocca is a tablet made by Bayer that's said to prevent or relieve hangovers. Essentially, Berocca is some vitamin C and Bs. A multivitamin with a glass of spicy V8 will do a much better job.

Of course, the #1 cure prevention for a hangover, which never fails, is don't stop drinking ;)

I encourage you to message me with other hangover preventions/remedies you've heard of. I'd like to take a look into them. Until next time, have fun, party hard and know that everyone around you would prefer your half digested food remain inside your stomach, so moderation is key. Lates, sucka.

Top 10 Breakup Songs

So you've called it off with your sweetheart and you're generally down in the dumps. You just can't bring yourself to listen to the hip-hop or rap you used to. You're not feeling G or like dancing at a club. You just feel like boiled shit and you want your music to acknowledge how you're feeling. I've been there too, champ. It bones. Being the nice guy I am, the following is 10 songs you might enjoy listening to now.

I Hate You – Sick Puppies

There’s not much to explain about this song. It’s sometimes just a cathartic release to keep saying “I hate you.”

Quotable line: “I know you think you hate me but I will always hate you more.”

I Hate Everything About You – Three Day’s Grace

It’s weird suddenly hating someone you’ve loved for so long. It’s a mix of emotions that makes the next few days and weeks a roller coaster of emotions.

Quotable line: “All the feelings that I get, but I still don’t miss you yet”

Just – Radiohead

At a certain point, enough is enough. You have to get up, brush off the dust and get back into the game. After a while, she’s out of the equation and the only reason your down in the dumps is that you’re so full of self-pity that it cripples you. You do it to yourself.

Quotable line: “You do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts”

Song for the Dumped – Ben Folds Five

Here’s another song that doesn’t need explanation. It’s a little lighter and upbeat…but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a bitch.

Quotable line: “So you wanted to take a break, slow down and have some space…well fuck you too”

Tearing Away – Drowning Pool

At the end of the day, you’re the only one who matters. If someone can’t help you make money or feel good about yourself, they’re useless to you and don’t merit your attention.

Quotable line: “I don’t care about anyone else but me.”

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing – Jack Johnson

Sometimes the best guys get paired up with the shittiest types of girls. You try to make it work and you bend over backwards for her, but she can’t appreciate it and never changes or commits. There are better people for you to devote your time.

Quotable line: “I can’t always be waiting on you.”

Only – Nine Inch Nails

Infatuation causes us to see what we want to see and not what’s really there. You try so hard to convince yourself that your girl is great but eventually you come to grips that she’s actually a waste of tampons and all her positive features are just figments of your imagination. Sorry about the attached video. I’m not big on the fan-made videos but this is the only uncensored version I found on YouTube and, I’m sorry, but the line “There is no fucking you” was just too crucial. A silence just adds an annoying pause and implies an unfitting inhibition.

Quotable line: “…you were never really real. I just made you up to hurt myself”

The Pot – Tool

The title, in my opinion, has a double meaning. Firstly, it’s based around the expression “the pot calling the kettle black”, whereas “the pot” represents an annoying hypocrite. Secondly, with all the marijuana references in the song, “the pot” can also be the drug abuse that would explain a person running their mouth with contradicting hypocritical bullshit. After an argument, you think back to all the stupid shit she said and how her actions blatantly contradict them. Ignorant bitch.

Quotable line: “Foot in mouth and head up ass-hole. Whatcha talkin' 'bout?”

Friend is a Four Letter Word – Cake

“Four letter word” is an expression that means a swear word. Most swears tend to be four letters (shit, piss, fuck, cunt, dick, tits). Sometimes the offer to be friends is so much of an insult that “friend” might as well be a four-letter word.

Quotable line: “I'm really only praying that the words you'll soon be saying might betray the way you feel about me.

Whiskey Hangover – Godsmack

Sometimes that breakup just throws you into that self-destructive downward spiral. Fuck off, it happens to the best of us. You go ahead and grow that stubble, loosen the tie and have a gritty conversation with Mr. Jack D.

Quotable line: “so what if i never wanna be sober? So what if i wanna be numb all the time?

Honorable Mentions:

Save Yourself - Stabbing Westward
Saviour - Rise Against
Peices - Sum 41
Dry Your Eyes - The Streets

Goodnight, Goodnight - Hot Hot Heat (thanks sis!)

So there you have it - ten songs to help you with a breakup. For better or for worse, everything passes. I hope some of these tunes help you out. Be good.

Shaken, Not Stirred

So I just heard about this Dr. Oetker muffin shaker. Apparently it's this container half filled with muffin mix. You fill the rest with either water or milk and shake then pour into your muffin tray. The muffins have 0 trans fats and are a good source of fiber. I can't help but wonder what would happen if one would decide to partially substitute the milk with Baily's Irish Cream. The result would probably be some kickass muffins that would be the hit of the party. Given the ease of making the muffins, you could probably make them when you're already 3 drinks in.

Usually I'd be against lazyness, but this is a pretty good timesaving idea.

Making muffins always makes a powdery mess, then a goopy mess and dirties a mixing bowl & spoon. This way, all the mess is contained into one small jug that just gets thrown away at the end. You couldn't ask for less hassle. I would say it's the best for whipping up a breakfast of champs. Preparing muffin batter while working on other things could be a time consuming hassle. I think I'd much rather the shake 'n' pour routine....since I'm a lot better than you, you should do the same.

How to Properly Drink a Beer

While it seems like a simple enough chore, you'd be surprised how many people screw up the task of prepping a standard beer. I'm not talking about the gallons of beer you think you can consume in a keg stand with all your (imaginary) friends cheering you on. I'm talking about the hearty beer you have when you come into a warm pub on a dark and snowy night. I'm talking about that thirst-killing, chilled beer you enjoy on a restaurant terrace on the day when thermometers start sweating. Those are the beers for which you take every measure to fully enjoy. Here are some tips of which you might not hav known that'll ensure you get the most out of your beer.

Handling

Before we get into the serving part, we have to discuss you handling your beer. While beer is the hearty drink of men, as an alcohol it’s very sensitive. There are very strict precautions that need to taken in order to fully enjoy the drinking experience. Beer easily degrades in quality from every factor imaginable. Beer needs to be treated like a hemophiliac; limit shaking, light, heat, sudden cold, dust.

Light Exposure

Minimize your beer's exposure to light. Beer is in a brown bottle to reduce the light getting in. Corona's clear bottle is purely aesthetic since it allows more light to get it and potentially skunk your beer faster. Be extra careful with the clear ones.

Agitation

Go easy on the speed bumps as you and your man-date, Craig, blaze through 5th avenue in your Jetta. Unlike Craig, the beer doesn't appreciate being jerked around. The last thing you want is your beer to go flat within 30 seconds of opening.

Cool Storage

Different beers are best served at different temperatures. Your lighter pale ales will be fine on a cellar floor. Spicier, darker stouts are served at room temperature so that you can fully appreciate all the aromas. Making the beer as cold as possible just dulls all the flavors by numbing your palate and inhibiting aroma. While that may be cool for the frat party you'll never remember, it's not favorable when sampling a quality beer.

Glassware:

Choosing the proper glassware for your beer is the first crucial step. Not all beers are best flaunted in the same glass. Firstly, make sure the glass is super clean and free from any settled dust. Any impurities will make the beer go flat faster as well as degrade the flavor.

Pilsner, flute - Tall & slender. Best for light ales. Slim shape holds a head as well as carbon dioxide

Pint Glass, chalice, goblet, tulip - Wide & Tall. Best for dark beers. Large surface allows for a better palate spread and aromas

Pouring

A lot of bars will serve you your beer in a chilled glass and you, being a novice drinker, don’t know that a sudden change in temperature will “shock” your beer. If you’re planning on enjoying a quality ale, colder seldom means better. Under 11 degrees, the flavors of your beer get dulled out. The myth of the cold, refreshing, quality beer was most probably created by commercial beer companies who tried to find a way of reducing the quantity of ingredients without their clientele noticing.

When pouring from a tap, hold the glass straight until a nice little head forms. The second it does, tilt your glass 45 degrees to allow the beer being poured in to slide under the head you created.

Should you be served a bottle and a glass, never simply opt to drink from the bottle because it's "more comfortable." Firstly, your bottled beer was meant to be poured out. It's over carbonated in the bottle. Drinking it straight won't allow you to enjoy the proper flavor of your beer. It'll also cause you to be quite gassy because due to the excess carbon dioxide. It's especially important to make good use of your glass when you have a very large bottle of beer. The constant up and down of the bottle will give you a very flat 2nd half of a beer. Instead, fill your glass and let the large bottle sit still so as not to encourage unneeded fizz release.

Mixing beer

I don’t assume that, when you buy beer, you’re buying a case of imports. I know you and your frat buddies are getting two-fours of Coors Light, Budweiser and Labatt Bleue. What happens when the ladies (or the effeminate men of Phi Alpha Gamma) come over? How do you make your commercial beers enjoyable to people not downing them in a keg stand? Making beer cocktails is quite easy since the preparation is minimal and the results are quite novel.

Fuzzy Peach – Add a shot of peach schnapps to your light beer
Beer Buster – Add a shot of vodka and a few dashes of Tabasco
Mexicano – Add tawny or dark tequila to your Corona
Boiler Maker - Add a shot of whiskey to your Amber Ale
Black Velvet - Add a 2 shots of cider to your Guinness 

The rest is up to you. Drink slowly, try to enjoy every aspect of the beer. Let it hit all your taste buds, your palate and pay attention to the aftertaste. Happy drinking, Sucka.

007 Mixology

James Bond always orders his trademark vodka martini, shaken not stirred. This is quite an unusual request considering an alcohol-only drink never gets shaken.  Bond is aiming for 2 things when ordering this drink. Firstly, the drink will come out extra chilled so that the alcoholic sting of the vodka is muted. Secondly, shaking the alcohol in ice dilutes it slightly. This too will make the drink a bit milder and make it a bit easier to sip casually.

Phrases I Will Always Hate

"I grew up with X older brothers"

This is something girls will say to prove to a guy they're tough. It's pretty much the female equivalent of "I grew up on the streets, yo" Since they've been hardened through years of sibling rivalry, now they can take on any guy's gestures and even physical aggression, to an extent. News flash, your brothers aren't an accurate representation of the guys you'll run into on the streets. Your brothers essentially protect you and, unless you live in Idaho, aren't looking to fuck you at any chance they get. Just because you come from a jock family and you wear a 

sports bra 24/7, doesn't mean you've in any way proven yourself to be tough.

"Guess what!"

A lamer segway into a 20-minute monologue about yourself couldn't be uttered. I'm obviously not going to "guess what." There are an infinite number of things that could've happened to you in your meaningless life and you clearly don't intend on waiting as I go through the long list of things that I couldn't care less about (got a new bf, broke up with a bf, what you ate, who you saw, what your bowel movements look like). One thing that always bugs me is that, like the naive (yet attractive), stud I am, I always think that there's a chance that the "what" of which I'm guessing has to do with me. I think to myself "maybe today, by some fluke, this affects me in some way." Unfortunately, I get disappointed each time and my hate for the line grows deeper. My punishment - watching you flap your sausage lips, for what feels like an eternity, about something that interests me less than One Tree Hill, lacrosse, wooden dowels, Orlando Bloom, etc. etc.

"X nights ago, I had like Y shots of tequila"

Of all the pathetic attempts to impress me with something, this has to be the worst and most generic of all. It's funny, it's not only guys that will say this. I once thought it was all about being macho, but chicks will also try to impress with their alcohol tolerance. You walk a fine line when you tell me about how many shots you can take. If you tell me a number between 1-9, I won't be impressed. If you tell me a number that's 10 or greater, I won't believe you. The mathematicians reading this will quickly notice that there's no number that would actually merit a favorable response from me. That's because, no matter what you say, I'll think your a dipshit for even wasting my time with something I care so little about.

"I don't drink (insert alcohol type) anymore."..."Not after last time..." OR "It doesn't agree with me..."

What possible benefit could be derived from that? I assume you're, once again, trying to segway into a lame story about yourself at some other party which I care nothing about. Not only will your story make me want to take a bullet OUT of a gun and force it through your temple, but it'll most probably deter me from ever offering you a drink since you have a history of going overboard and you have an irritating tendency of repeatedly bringing it up.

Any alcohol you insert into the blank will label you as a tool except one - vodka. Telling people that you can't drink vodka labels you as a completely useless waste of space and air. Why? Because unlike alcohols like brandy, rum, whiskey, etc. vodka is completely flavorless. It's pure alcohol cut with water. The finer a vodka is, the less impurities it contains. So in essence, what you're saying is you can't drink alcohol. Period. If you something more ignorant could be said in a bar, I'm curious to know what. Until such time, you deserve a swift knee to the groin every day for being the village idiot.

"What do you bench?"

I challenge anyone to find a better way of saying "I'm a huge douche and know nothing about weight lifting" in 4 words or less. Since when has a person's bench pressing capacity demonstrated their strength or fitness savvy in any way? If you don't have enough knowledge to make small talk about exercise - don't. Stick to what you know. Do you see me asking you how much horsepower your cup holder has? If you should happen to be naturally gifted with a McConaughy-like physique, opening your mouth with such a stupid statement deflates any credibility you might've had in the fitness realm and immediately thrusts you into the brain dead jock category.