How Global Warming Conflicts With Your Religion

If you still believe in all this global warming bullshit, not only are you stupid but you're also a hypocrite. That's right; you're a turd sandwich and you didn't even know! It doesn't matter which philosophy you follow, it conflicts with the ridiculous notion of global warming. Here's why:

Jewish/Christian?

After the flood, G-d promised never to flood the earth: "I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of a flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth." (Genesis 9:11) So if you believe Al Gore's fantasy of the ice caps melting and flooding the world, you're saying that G-d went back on his word and are, therefore, going to hell, you sacrilegious bastard.

Atheist/Agnostic?

You either don't think there is a god or don't care. Whatever the case may be, you think the evidence pointing towards the existence of a higher being is sketchy and, in some cases, exaggerated. Right? Well the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), the panel of 2500 scientist that Al Gore loves to cite, contains many scientists who disagree with global warming all together. Also, the famous "hockey stick graph" that Al Gore uses has been shown to be false and uses fabricated numbers like a CO2 increase of 1% a year when it's really .5% That's a 100% margin of error. If you dismiss evidence of G-d as inconsistent and anecdotal, then you have absolutely no reason to believe global warming, you godless sucka.

Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Bobby Henderson emphasizes that correlation doesn't imply causality (not a revolutionary concept) by illustrating the correlation between global temperatures and the amount of pirates in the world. Your "religion" outrightly denounces global warming, so you're a total tool if you still believe in alarmist environmental theories.

Islamic?

Though Muslims are quite spread out, they are found mostly in the Arab penninsula and Northern Africa, where 90-100% of the population is Muslim. That being the case, climate change policy will disadvantage these countries the most. Arab countries rely heavily on oil for political leverage. African countries would very much like to develop their country by being able to exploit their coal resources. Unfortunately, global warming policy is trying to keep Africa "green." This means that they're forced to use solar energy instead of their cheap coal. The problem with that is no one can afford solar panels. Hospitals are forced to run without electricity because solar panels are out of reach. Ya, that's totally fair. The West can use coal in the industrial revolution to advance themselves, but not Islamic Africa.

Church of Heaven's Gate?

The earth's being recycled. Stop whining and kill yourself.

Satanist?

The first tenet of Satanism is to indulge rather than to abstain. You won't find Al Gore, with his global warming notions, wanting to have less laws and control over people. According to Al Gore, we've been very bad and now we have to abstain from many of life's pleasures. Not very Satanist if you ask me.

No matter what your religion, Al Gore is Satan....unless you're a Satanist. Then he's Jesus. Even if you believe in no god at all, Al Gore represents a contradiction in your philosophy. So know this: whoever you are and whatever you believe; you're a hypocritical douche if you believe in global warming. Peace out, fool.

How to Speed Date...Successfully

It’s become more and more obvious that technology is speeding up the pace at which business is done. The result is a population that is obsessed with speed and efficiency. Unfortunately, some individuals carry the same logic over to their dating life. The first steps of dating are stressful and intimidating. That’s why some people are attracted to speed dating. The motivation to go to a sped dating event is to get the process over with as quickly as possible and keeping the awkward moments to a minimum. Don’t be fooled into thinking that speed dating is like a bunch of mini dates. The strategies are quite different. Imagine regular dating a reading various articles in a newspaper. Speed dating is like reading a news paper by its headlines. If the headlines are appealing and clever enough, the reader is enticed to continue reading the newspaper. In the same way, you have to appeal to your date in little time using very few words. On the plus side, maybe this will be better for you because your date won't have much time to realize what a shmuck you are. Here are some ways to ensure you get that second date you’re after.

Save Your Best Smile

I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s even more important in this context. Your date knows that you’re seeing a lot of other women that night. If you’re too much of a smile whore then your toothy grin looses all its impact. Instead, hold your smile for the best moments like after she says something entertaining. When she feels that you’re genuinely enjoying yourself, she’ll feel as if she’s something special and that’s what will get you the next date.

Chin Up

While you may only get the chance to express five minutes worth of words, your body language could be screaming “I’m an insecure, douche of a man”. In the short time you have during your audition, it’s crucial that you appear calm and confident since the goal is to pique her curiosity and have her drawn to you even if she doesn’t understand why. Firstly, it’s important to sit up straight. Save your gangsta lean for the Impala. Keeping a straight back shows your full height. In their unconscious primitive minds, women are looking for the best and strongest specimen with whom to mate. Taller individuals are usually seen as being stronger and better leaders. While straightening your posture, you should also be looking. This may seem obvious, but you'd be amazed at how many Neanderthals will slouch in front of their date and fuck the whole thing up for themselves.

Save Your Best Smile

I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s even more important in this context. Your date knows that you’re seeing a lot of other women that night. If you’re too much of a smile whore then your toothy grin looses all its impact. Instead, hold your smile for the best moments like after she says something entertaining. When she feels that you’re genuinely enjoying yourself, she’ll feel as if she’s something special and that’s what will get you the next date.

Stay Fresh

In a speed dating situation, odds are that your date’s been asked her occupation and hobbies a thousand times over. She’ll remember you a lot more if you don’t talk about generic topics. Try asking about her favorite childhood cartoon, ideal vacation, etc. Stay away from topics that will make you seem too random or weird. You want to appear original, not as if you live in your parents’ basement and have a booger collection...even though you probably do.

Aim The Spotlight

Although it sometimes may be easier to keep conversation going by talking about yourself, it makes for sucky dialogue. People love themselves more than anyone in the world. Talking about themselves is an incredibly enjoyable activity. If you think about it, the only reason you’re reading this is because it’s about you and not what I did yesterday. This is the exact passion that you should be exploiting. Keep the spotlight on her while you show/fake interest will create a conversation she’ll enjoy. It’s important that the conversation be about something of which she’s passionate and can go on about. Although it’s challenging to find that perfect topic, it pays off in the end.

Appearance is Everything

In the 5 minutes you’ll have with your date, they’ll take a snapshot of how you look and smell. When the brain remembers a face, it creates a caricature image. All the features and defects are exaggerated. This means it’s crucial to look your absolute best because Cindy-Lou won’t easily forget your cowlick or bad breath. Check my section on fixing yourself up to make sure you don’t go out looking like the bum you are.

Even if you follow all these guidelines, there’s no guarantee that you’ll succeed. You should be smart enough to know that. If you’re not, then go away. You don’t deserve to be reading such fine writing. You have to realize that, although the guidelines are crucial, you have to add in your own style and comfort to your dating techniques. Once you become accustomed to the basics of speed dating, you’ll be able to work the situation to your favor. It’s also important not to loose confidence. It’s speed dating; if you screw up, you can try again in 5 minutes. It’s like dating a goldfish. Maybe you won't spend Valentine's day alone again. Be cool and have fun.

Being the Alpha Male

If you’ve ever really analyzed your interactions with you guy friends, you’ll notice that, quite often, there’s a power struggle. There’s always a competition who can be the alpha male. Some guys are better at hiding their fight to the top than others, but the fight to the top is always there. This struggle can take the form of a drinking competition, videogames, sports, table seating, etc. Being the alpha of the group means that others will be motivated by you and constantly seek your approval. When it comes to making plans, others will want to go where you’re going and will put confidence in your decision making. If this sounds like something you’d like, this just may be the article for you.

There’s a very fine line between being the dominant member of the group and making a total jackass of yourself. The same principles of the wolf pack apply but, since we’re dealing with humans, we have to tone everything down and reduce every action to the subconscious. 

Head seat 

When possible, take the head seat of the table. The fact that you can see everyone else while have to turn their head to others in order to see you is a subtle sign that you are the main attraction and feature of the table. When in another’s house, always remember to allow the host to have the head. In this situation, sit either on the right of the host or at the seat opposite to the head. These are the spots that will most likely put you in the direct attention of the pack. When you’re at a restaurant and sitting at a large table, take the middle seat. The end seats are usually left out of the big conversations while the middle seats get the most face time and are where both ends look. 

Drinking

Unfortunately, when a bunch of guys get together for some hearty drinking at a bar, they revert to a Neanderthal state. Your ability to drink and keep your cool is how you are gauged as a man. In a situation like this, remember to have your chasers and not be drinking on an empty stomach. To further your sobriety training, check out my previous post about “Building A Tolerance.” If you don’t feel yourself able to drink more than your chums, don’t try. You’ll only make yourself look stupid. Instead, focus on staying charismatic. Let your friends become drunken idiots as you egg them on to drink more while you nurse your beer.

Body Language

Most of what you’re saying to your friends isn’t coming out of your mouth. Your body language is letting out more information about your feelings than you’ll ever discuss. Here are some crucial points to remember:

-Never slouch You want to show your full height. In our primitive history, the leader of the pack was the strongest, biggest and, therefore, tallest. People have a natural respect and generally expect better leadership from a taller individual.

-Keep your hands away from your mouth This shows others that you’re trying to hide yourself and aren’t truly confident. Your hands should either be at your sides, resting on your hips or simply in the crossed arm position.

-Avoid holding objects in front of you Any object held in front of you is seen as a barrier behind which you're hiding. A truely fearless alpha doesn't need to create symbolic shields. 

-Keep at least 1 hand free When you're in a situation where you're leading a conversation yet you still welcome the input of others, the best possible position is one hand in the pocket with the thumb sticking out. The fact that you chose to withdraw a hand from visibility implies that you welcome another hand in the game. The reason for showing your thumb is so, firstly, you don't look like you're nervously fidgeting with something. Secondly, a hand too far into a pocket means that you're hiding something.

Wrestling

When guys get rowdy, we tend to get pretty clear about our masculinity and we have little wrestling match to try and pin one another. Avoid any temptation to wrestle any of your friends when rough housing. Pinning someone won’t make you dominant; you’ll just be creating yourself a passive-aggressive enemy within the group that will annoy you later. Even the dominant male in the wolf pack has an enforcer to do his thug work. When you’re dealing with a group of friends, you want them to respect you, not fear you. Leading by fear means people just won’t want you around. Leading by respect means people feel that they need you around. 

Gaze

When talking to someone, never be afraid to look at them in the eye. This shows that you’re superior to them since you aren’t scared of eye contact with. This also shows that you can focus on your speech while also taking in their gaze. When listening to someone, try to avoid direct gaze. This will give off the impression that you’re incorporating other ideas into what’s being said and you’re not so focused on how the speaker feels. Try not to stray your gaze too far. This will make you seem like a cocky douche and, from my experience; people generally don’t like cocky douches.

Motivation

Whenever you hear someone talk about themselves, that isn’t your opportunity to rush in and relate the conversation to you and how much better you are in the field of whatever’s being spoken. Let’s say, for example, your buddy just took up martial arts and you’ve been practicing it for 5 years now. When he tells you “Hey, I’ve been taking karate classes this past month” that’s not your cue to shove your gloated ass into the conversation by telling him about your background. Instead, ask him how he likes it. Ask him which techniques he’s learned and encourage him to continue. The dominant male isn’t always the center of attention. People will listen to you much more when you’re a character that makes them feel good about themselves. Afterwards, IF he asks if you’ve had any experience in the field, then you have my permission to tell him about your history. Letting him discover it on his own will make it 10x more impressive. Guaranteed. 

In all this, it’s extremely important to remember that these techniques are meant to be directed towards the subconscious. All the guidelines are meant to be acted out in a very subtle and indirect fashion. Exaggerating any of these aspects will make you incredibly annoying and a bigger pompous asshole than anyone could ever imagine. If, however, you manage to play this unspoken power struggle just right; people, though they may not understand why, will see you as the alpha male, look to you for guidance, social cues and mimic your behaviours. Mission accomplished.

Dumb Americans

Tip #124: Lowering Your Standards Makes You Feel Smarter

I just caught a glimpse of the show "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" on YouTube and I must say that I'm amazed at how Americans are not ashamed of what has become of their society. Do people not realize that average American intellect has degraded to the point where adults are having trouble answering questions that an 11-year old can answer with ease? To add to the irony, the show is hosted by Jeff Foxworthy; a man who made himself famous with jokes about how much of a dumb redneck he is.

Half of me wants to believe that this is all one big joke and this isn't real. The other half is enraged by how retards scraped from the bottom of the intelligence barrel are rewarded more money than they ever deserve to see. Once upon a time, Jeopardy was THE game show. The questions got progressively harder and there was a challenge to be had. Then, Americans moved on to Wheel of Fortune; a game that limited you to 26 possible answers. Later, the smash hit game show became "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." The answers are limited 4 possibilities but the questions were still pretty tough. Now, we're glorifying the dumbest shits ever to walk G-d's green earth. I don't think broadcasters should publicize footage of these dumb fucks struggling to figure out how many E's there are in "watermelon" or in which European country you can find Budapest.

I don't think it's surprising that so many illegal immigrants enter America since anyone with half a brain can make a killing harvesting money from a legion of idiots. Is this dumbed-down dickhead-fest entertainment for the country? Is it entertaining that 18% of Americans believe that the sun orbits the earth? I'm going to stop before I slip into an anger-induced seizure.
If you're an American reading this, congrats on reaching the end. You're probably smarter than most of your country...unless of course you only came here because of the pictures of half-naked women. You people make me sick. Illegal immigrants will only improve your country. Seeya, suckas.

How to Destroy Rumors

You just heard, from a trusted friend, that a rumor is going around about you. In the schoolyard you wouldn’t hesitate dishing out the swift kicks to the nuts or, if you’re a pansy, running to the teacher. Unfortunately, we’re in the real world and if you want to dispel rumors about you, you’re going to have to be 50 lbs. smarter and 25 g sneakier. Here’s what you have to do to clear your good name.

Anticipate the Prophecy

While you’re trying to shoot down rumors about you, you have to realize that people will be talking to you with the rumor in mind. For example, if rumor has it that you’re an asshole, co-workers will be mean to you without giving you the chance to speak. It’s crucial to be above the rumors and not let them transform you into a subject that suits their purpose.

The Boomerang Effect

Under no circumstances are you to address the rumor directly. It doesn’t matter how apparent or “out in the open” your rumor is. Trying to directly shoot down the rumor will result in the boomerang effect and suddenly the whole playground knows you wet your Batman sheets. Trying to directly suppress a rumor only has people more engaged in it and will increase its popularity. Actions speak loud than words.

Acting Against

Destroying a rumor through pure action is the hardest, but most effective, route to take. For example, if word goes around that you’re the office bitch and you won’t say anything if the shit rolls downhill to your desk, then you’re going to have to be pretty aggressive and slightly obnoxious in order to fight the rumor. A simple polite refusal, even though it’s going against the idea people have of you, won’t do anything in the long run. In this case you’d actually have to speak up and tell the weasel that he should be doing his own work and that you have way too much for people to start pawning their crap onto you. It may not be pleasant, but destroying a rumor is dirty work.

Have a Wingman

Sometimes, a rumor is so powerful that whatever sneak things you say will mean dick all. In this case, it’s time to bring out the “big guns.” You need to get a friend of yours to spread your good PR. If he can manage to sneak a compliment about you into a conversation like “Joe may sometimes seem like a shy harmless guy, but when he gets upset, legs get broken.” Having someone candidly mention something about you, even briefly, makes the listener feel as if he’s heard something un-staged and, therefore, true. This makes him much more likely to pass the message on and spread the newly injected counter-rumors about you.

Shut Down the Shit Factory

If you’ve ever lived through a werewolf outbreak, you’ll know that the only way to cure the epidemic is to kill the original werewolf. In the same way, to destroy a rumor, you must target the source. In a small environment, anyone that has heard the rumor is likely to have heard it from him. If this is the case, then discrediting his name might just clear any rumors about you. Try to throw in a comment or two about how he enjoys spreading rumors about everyone in the office. If people think that they might also be a victim, they’re likely to forget about anything they heard about you and, in the future, not listen to anything the original shit disturber has to say.

The Prince

Should someone confront you and ask you if the rumor about you is true, I don’t care how angry you are, you have to give off the impression that the whole thing is a stupid and silly playground drama. If you’ll learn anything from Machiavelli it’s that you’re more influential when you’re loved than when you’re hated. Tell the confronter that it’s a silly rumor and that all Mr. Knob Job does all day is spread rumors for shit and giggles. A light-hearted composure means that the listener’s defense and suspicion is down and he’ll more readily accept your message.

Walk Away

When all else fails, sometimes the best thing to do is to totally ignore the rumor. In most cases, rumors become uninteresting or replaced. In such instances, you can sleep tight knowing that you’re boring old news that nobody cares about anymore. If no one raises anymore dirt to your name, then you have no reason to get all huffy and puffy about what happened in the past.

Stick to the High Road

I don’t care how much these rumors twist your panties, Shirley; you are never to retaliate with another rumor. Firstly, when the original shit disturber finds out, he’ll have no remorse and he’ll drag your name through shit. Secondly, if this turns into a two way piss party, credibility to both your names will be lost. Your image will be reduced to that of rope-skipping school girl. Whatever decisions you make, keep cool. This is damage control not a die hard with a vengeance.

Much like a jigsaw puzzle, there are an infinite number of ways you can screw this up and only one way to get it just right. It’s critical that you think about the situation carefully and decide what course of action is right for you. The better you handle this ordeal, the less you have to worry about future rumors discrediting your name. Just remember to be cool and confident.

Impressing a Date

So you've decided to take a lady out for a fancy dinner but quickly come to the realization that you know shit-all about etiquette. This can either be your time to shine or, alternatively, your opportunity to make a total jackass out of yourself. The outcome of your date could all depend on whether or not you read this article. Now is that a risk you're really willing to take?

Choosing the Restaurant

When choosing a nice place, take a few minute to think of what she might like. Is she fun and adventurous? Try Mexican or Cajun. Romantic and intimate? Go for Italian or French. Quirky and mysterious? How about Japanese or Indian. Try to avoid family joints that could end in embarrassment. Try to be original with your choice. A new experience for both of you could bring you closer.

Basic Table Manners

A few basic gestures go a long way when at the table. Firstly, always wait until the lady is seated. You're a putz if you race to your seat before her. You don't have to make it a big scene and stand up straight like a marine; just casually stall until she sits.
Never play with your cutlery. This may sound stupid and needless to mention, but too many guys will fidget with their utensils out of nervousness. Not only does this make you look like a 5 year-old, but you're also loosing eye contact with your date and just create long awkward silence.
Never refer to any waiter as "garçon", "boy" or "my good man". These clichés won't impress anyone and will only make you look like a pompous douche.

Ordering a Drink (wine)

A properly ordered drink is the first indication that you might, in some way, be cultured in cuisine. If you haven't already read up about wine, don't pretend you know all about it to show off. This will piss off your waiter and could result in you having a bad match with your meal. Instead, ask the waiter (or sommelier) what he would recommend with your meal. When you get the wine, you will be shown the label first. It's important to check the label to make sure you're getting the right wine. People make mistakes and the wrong bottle could cost you a pretty penny or, alternatively, could mean for a mismatched wine with your meal. Now that the wine's been checked, you expect to smell the cork like in the movies, right? Not unless you want to seem like an idiot. The only things you do with the cork is check if it's moldy or cracking. A cracking cork could mean that pieces fell into the wine during fermentation and "corked" it. Mold doesn't mean the wine's bad, taste it first. When initially poured a sample, hold the glass by the stem (so as not to warm it) and smell it (you could examine it for sediment first, but don't take too long, that's pushing it). If it smells like old gym socks, that's the first bad sign. You should be able to pick up on some flowery, fruity or earthy smells. Red wine may need a gentle swirl to aerate. When you taste the wine, don't just gulp it down. Sip a bit and, while it's in your mouth, try to gently chew it. This will again activate some of the palate of the wine. If you like what you're tasting, then you'll give the waiter the okay to pour for the table. He should fill up the woman's glass first then come back to you. One last thing to remember before you enjoy your wine; never swirl a glass of wine that's more than 2/3 full; you risk making a mess of the table and a fool of yourself.

Ordering a Drink (cocktail)

When sitting down at a lounge, you're going to need to know how to order a drink. As classy as the trademark "vodka martini, shaken not stirred" may seem, it's not how we order drinks in the real world. When asking for your chosen liquor, it's important to specify which brand. Otherwise you'll probably be given the cheapest brand available. So a "whiskey and coke" should be a "jack and coke." Next you need to let the waiter/waitress know how much alcohol you want in your mixture (single or double). So far that's a "jack and coke, double." Lastly, you want to let the order taker know in what kind of glass you want your drink: tall or short. That leaves us with a "jack and coke, double-short." On a personal note, two drinks stand out as more masculine than others. Those being: a) jack and coke, whiskey never goes out of fashion as a man's drink. b) absolute and pineapple, vodka mixes very well with juices. Pineapple is something not heard as often as "OJ" or "cranberry" and it's been said to have other benefits.

Ordering Food

Avoid foods that will make you look messy or make a scene. This means that finger-lickin' ribs are best reserved for your night with the guys. If you don't know how to use chopsticks, then either learn now or ask for a fork. Spaghetti is also ill-advised for obvious reasons. Other than that, there's no real rules to which you need to adhere. It's understandable that you might not know everything and it's okay to ask your waiter about a certain meal but try asking your date first. Giving her an opportunity to help you out (even with something so trivial) will make her feel more useful to you and could possibly end up bringing the two of you closer.

Table Etiquette (continued)

Try to avoid looking at your date while she's eating. Eating is a sign of vulnerability and a strong gaze is likely to make her uncomfortable. Carefully avert your line of sight while she's putting food in her mouth. With the corner of your eye, check when she's at least halfway into chewing before looking at her again. This will make you appear less intrusive and will lighten the general atmosphere.

Tipping

A hefty bill tends to discourage many from properly tipping. The tip is something you have to take into consideration while ordering and you can't cheap out at the final round. A fantastic waiter should be seeing about 20% of the total bill. An average waiter that pretty much did their job should get the average 15%. Though you might not want to share this with your date, outright rudeness on the waiter's part might push him/her to 10%. Credit cards make this process a lot easier. Try to avoid annoying debit cards.

What you do after the restaurant is left for you to decide....or wait until I write another article telling you what to do. Eating out shouldn't be a stressful activity. The goal of this article wasn't to scare you, just to bring your attention to certain details that might make a big difference in the outcome of your date. Try to be generally well informed, confident and, above all, in tune with your date. No strict set of rules can tell you what your specific woman is looking for. Relax and enjoy.

Credit/Further research:
http://starchefs.com/features/editors_dish/etiquette/index.shtml
http://www.chiff.com/wine/ordering.htm
http://www.wikihow.com/Order-a-Drink-at-a-Bar

Valentine Gift Crisis? De L'Au Dela

Valentine's day is just around the corner and I know you lazy bums are looking for something to get your sweetheart at the last minute. I know what you're thinking: flowers and chocolates will have you covered...yeah, nothing says I love you like cleaved flora and love handles in a box.
In case you didn't detect my sarcasm, it's time to get your love something a bit more original. That's where De L'au Dela comes in. The phrase De L'Au Dela is French for "otherworldly" or "out of the ordinary."They make handcrafted original items (catch the idea yet, Einstein?). This isn't the $8 plastic crap you'll get from H&M or fake jewelry from eBay. The bracelets, for example, go from $15 - $25. For those who don't know, that's an awesome price for real stones like turquoise, aquamarine and real Swarovski crystals.
If you want to get another "oh that's so sweet," you can stick with your done-to-death valentine gifts. If you're looking for a real response (and a real reward, if ya know what i mean) then De L'Au Dela is what you're looking for. If you have something specific in mind, they even do custom jewelry at request. Also, how many other jewelry companies will offer you free repairs in case of a break? Bottom line, if you're looking for authentic jewelry and don't want to bust your wallet, De L'au Dela is what you're looking for.

OMFG! Lindsay Lohan Britney Spears!!!

Lately, I've noticed that a celebrity's popularity is directly proportional to how drugged up they are. Suddenly, it's become cool to be a public fuck up. Britney Spears is still the talk of the town for holding her child hostage in a bathtub. Lindsay Lohan is no longer pretty. She looks like a coked up granny that belongs at the Vegas slots. But for some reason, you'll still be searching for them on the news feeds to see what they're up to/how they're screwing up today. Don't think that these druggies aren't loving the attention they're getting.

Once upon a time, a celebrity had to have talent to be famous and when they stopped making music/acting/modeling and just partied and hit up the drugs, they would become a has-been (ie: Vanilla Ice). Now, celebrities have it easy. They're famous for being famous and don't have to work for the attention. Odds are, you didn't come here looking for my bitching. Instead you were hoping to see some news about the downward spiral of Britney Spears or photos of a decrepit Lindsay Lohan. You make me sick. Stop making yourself feel better by prying into someone's fucked up life and glorifying them in the process. You're almost as pathetic as the ones who are actually getting this attention. Read real news, you desktop paparazzi. Word to your mother.

Screw up Vs Google Popularity graph...I'm so scientific

7 Ways to Avoid Getting Sick this Winter

Winter is just around the corner and millions of people are more confused that a baby in a topless bar when it comes to how to avoid the terror we call "swine flu." When you don't take care of yourself properly, you're not only making yourself feel like shit, but you're also unpleasant to be around. Here are some easy ways to have you performing at your best through times when the environment tears people down.

Vitamin C

I'm not advocating vitamin C as a wonder drug that cures everything, but when it comes to colds and your immune system, having your proper dosage is irreplaceable. Winter is when some of the best citrus come in from Florida. A daily grapefruit, orange or few clementines as a snack will give you an adequate force field against germs.

Dress Warmly

Toughing the cold isn't macho, it's stupid. Even though you think you can tolerate the cold, you're just making your body a weaker, less efficient machine by lowering your immune system. This allows the airborne shit people cough up to get into your body and convert you into a zombie.

Purell

Purell, though some may see it as a Godsend, is not an appropriate long term solution. Have you ever thought about why they advertise that it kills 99.9% of germs? What happens to that last .1%? That last .1% is actually formed an immunity to your disinfectant. With repeated use of Purell, you better believe that this strain of superbug will multiply and the western world will have a much bigger epidemic; what to do against a germ that won't just be killed by a $2.99 bottle from the pharmacy. Do yourself and your kids a favor and build yourself a healthy immune system instead of trying to sterilize your world. You're only kicking yourself in the ass when you decide that 99.9% clean is favorable.

Get Adequate Sleep

Take advantage of the early nights by letting yourself fall asleep sooner. Not only are you mentally alert after a full night's sleep, but your body is also biologically alert to fight off your friends' disgusting airborne phlegm. When you and your kids go through the day tired and sluggish, you better believe that your immune system is feeling the same way. A good general would never send weary soldiers to the front line; in the same way, you shouldn't be putting your body up to the fight against illness when it's not fully charged. If you're having trouble sleeping, have a look at my article on how to sleep better at night.

Stay Hydrated

Being dehydrated not only makes you sluggish and drowsy, but it also does the exact same thing for your white blood cells that usually fight off bacteria. Your body needs water like your engine needs oil. Just like oil, water just helps all the processes of your body run smoother. Also just like oil, it's easy to forget when you're due for a refill. A good trick to avoid dehydration is leaving a bottle of water on your desk or with you at all times. You'll be surprised at how quickly you manage to down a bottle (and also how quickly you'll be running to the pisser).

Watch out for Public Phones

With the potential of having hundreds of people spitting on them daily, public phones have managed to be more filthy and germ-encrusted than public bathrooms. This doesn't mean you should set a restraining order, just try to avoid them when possible. When using one is necessary, be weary of all the germs that are lurking on the mouthpiece and try not to get too comfortable with the handset.

Elbow Sneeze

This may sound gross at first, but it's actually been found to be better to cover your nose with your elbow when sneezing instead of with your hands. This will not only prevent you from passing your nasal-dwelling fecal matter to others, but will also stop you from helping the bacteria find an easier way in through your ears, nose or mouth after your nose kicked it out.

You'll notice that nowhere did I mention getting a flu shot. I'm not a big believer in the flu shot and, unless you've researched the topic for yourself, you shouldn't be either. Pop quiz: what's in a flu shot? It's actually small doses of that very ailment. Some people fight it off easily and, as result, will have a body that is now immune to that sickness. Other people will just flat out get sick from the stuff and will therefore have paid some $10-$20 to sit at home with a pulsating head and oozing nose-goblins. Whatever you choose to do with your body, I'm still much better than you. Enjoy the winter, subordinates!

Disclaimer: This information is the result of extensive research and is in no way a medical opinion.

Ripped Jeans Aren't Cool. They're Stupid....like you

When I buy a product, unless I'm getting a killer deal, I like to buy it new. As I pass by all the usual yuppie shops, I notice that people are generally willing to pay more for pre-ripped jeans. How has our society come to this? How has dressing like a hobo become a status symbol? Just because God gave you an ass that was already cracked, doesn't mean the same logic should be applied to your fashion. I don't think you look cool if your jeans are all ripped up; I think you need a new pair of jeans because yours now look like shit. You wouldn't buy socks with fashionable holes. Nor would you buy underwear with designer shit stains. But jeans that look like you nabbed them out of a dumpster, hey, that's cool. I think that it's safe to say that the more rips in your jeans, the dumber you are and the more you deserve to be parted with your money. I guess that's the only thing I appreciate about those stupid ripped jeans; they stop idiots from doing more dangerous things with their money.

In my everlasting quest to be useful, here are some links that may help you look like a douche:

http://www.wikihow.com/Rip-Your-Own-Jeans
http://www.destroyedbrand.com/
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070724171214AAnWnsg