How to Survive Torture

We all pray that no harm will ever come to us but sadly, that's not always the case. Since I'm the man who takes you under his wing, I'll teach you how to survive the unthinkable. One day, when you're a covert spy being tortured, you'll think back and thank me for this. Without further adieu, here's how you'll withstand torture.

Plan your escape

If you're fortunate enough to be unmasked when you're brought to your cell, you can already begin to plot your escape. It's important to realize that, even if you co-operate, your captors aren't likely to let you go with a fruit basket and a "thank you" card. Try to remember any codes or hallways you spot. Try to find flaws or patterns in the building. These may just save your life when you're making your daring escape.

Wimp out

When you're being tortured, remember that you're lower than a piece of shit. You should be fearful and submissive at any moment. Though acting like a tough smartass may work for James Bond, it'll piss off your guards and label you as useless or uncooperative. That'll get you killed or tortured harder. Instead of being a rock, be more like a gelatine. Gelatine will mold, squish and give in to any sort of force but it will never let go of its moisture. In the same way, you should show pain (even exaggerate it) but you'll never let go of your information.

Transcend the physical

If you're not a man of religion, then it's time to find God. Many have reported that meditation can help you overcome extreme stress and pain. Buddhist monks have managed amazing physical feats like surviving Himalayan winters or burning to death without moving an inch simply through the power of meditation. Try to take yourself to a better place and, as impossible as it may sound, leave your pain behind.

Pass out

I know you pass out real quick after 4 beers at every frat party you've ever been to, but this is very different. Passing out in this situation can buy you some mercy from your captors if they believe that you are passing out from pain. Their motivation isn't to knock you out with pain, but rather apply as much pain as you can consciously tolerate. There are two ways to manually pass yourself out. The first way is to hyperventilate yourself. Instead of taking regular, shallow breaths, start taking heavy, lung-filling breaths in and out. This disruption will actually mess up with the oxygen getting to your brain. You should go into a trance-like, painfree state just before you pass out. The second way of passing out is by crounching down and taking a few deep breaths. After 5 minutes of heavy breathing, exhale everything in your lungs and stand up quickly. The lack of blood and oxygen in your brain should knock you right out.

Stay Positive

The final, and most important, piece of advice is to never give up. When you give up hope psychologically, your body physically gives into the stress and begins to weaken and shut itself down. You must always remain calm and confident. Freaking, panicking and acting irrational is also negative. It puts additional stress on your body and mind and will only result in an increased probability of you dying.

That, in brief is how one would survive a torture situation. Once again, you should pray that you never have to draw upon any of these skills, but it's always good to be prepared. Try to stay safe and, no matter what, always be strong. Peace out, SuperSpy.

12 Ways To Extend Your Laptop Battery Life

So I'm sitting in the library, saving the world using nothing but a laptop and my trusty jockstrap when, suddenly, my laptop runs out of battery. It seems as if I get less and less time out of my laptop every time. I've decided to go on a quest for longer battery life. I know you want to be just like me, so here's how you can do the same:

1) Uninstall unnecessary programs - This is easy. In the control panel, just click the "Add/Remove Program icon and remove anything you don't use'

2) Clean out your spyware - Spyware can cause unneeded processes to run and waste your battery. Download Spybot S&D and Ad-Aware to fully rid your computer of the pesky bugs. (They're both free, you cheapass)

3) Clean your registry - With all the porn software you download, your registry can get pretty messed up and it can cause your computer to work harder for nothing. Download Wise Registry Cleaner and have your registry spic and span.

4) Blackwash your desktop - Whatever can customized on your desktop in terms of color (ie: windows, taskbar, wallpaper. etc.) should be black. Your laptop screen is normally black and the white is created with a backlight. The less you use your backlight, the more battery power you save. For my windows I use Windows Blinds (that costs money...unless you torrent it) and I use a free skin for Firefox (internet browser). Be careful not to apply Windows Blinds to Firefox. Create an exception for Firefox since, together, they'll suck up a lot of resources. Instead of using Google, use Blackle. It's the same thing but in black. Here's what my desktop looks like. I also like to dim my screen for extra saving.

5) Defragment your hard drive - Your system files, like your messy house, will eventually look like a war zone and nothing is where it should be. When your hard drive has to run around looking for its files, it wastes a lot of battery power. Defragmenting your hard drive will put everything back where it belongs. Go to Start>All Programs>Accessories>System Tools>Disk Defragmenter and push "Defragment." Easy, huh?

6) Stop useless processes - If you're smart enough, you can push Ctrl+Alt+DDel and stop useless process like iTunesUpdater and other useless processes

7) Turn off your wireless card - Some of the newer laptops have a button on the outside that can turn off the wireless network car. If have the ability to do this, then you can save your computer a lot of battery if you don't plan on using the internet.

8) Mute your speakers - Obvious reasons

9) Ditch the auto-save - MS word's autosave feature will use up resources

10) Keep your laptop running at room temperature - When it's too cold, your battery becomes inefficient and when it's too hot, your fan has to work harder to keep your processor cool.

11) Avoid DVDs and CDs - The motor that spins your DVD or CD takes up extra battery power. Running off the hard drive prevents you from having to rely on CD/DVDs

12) Increase your RAM - The more random access memory (RAM) your computer has, the less hard it needs to work to run all the processes. Upping your RAM will give you a noticeably longer battery life.

The extra time you'll get out of your laptop will vary. Personally, I managed to double my CPU life by applying most of these methods. I'm sure that, if you follow these guidelines, you'll see some significant increase in your battery time and you won't have to cut your porn time short. Enjoy, suckas.

7 ways to prevent heart failure

Let's face it, you're not a young buck anymore. You have to start watching your health. The days of being up all night partying and drinking are behind you and the most the thing that would give you the most thrill right now is outliving all you friends. That's why I'm going to help you out with some tips on how to prevent heart failure.

1) Whole Wheat Breakfast - Starting the day with a whole wheat cereal will reduce the risk of heart failure. To qualify as "whole grain" a breakfast cereal must contain at least 25% oat or bran.

2) Excercise - Getting off your couch and taking a brisk 30 minute walk can reduce your risk of heart disease by up to 50%. I think that's well worth it.

3) Stop Smoking - It's obvious that smoking will cause you heart problems further down the road. If you really want to be healthy, kick the habit. Otherwise, enjoy your stinky breath, yellow teeth and black lungs.

4) Booze it up - Once a day, it's actually beneficial to have either a glass of red wine, a light beer or a shot of tequila. Each has its own clinically proven benefits. Including heart disease prevention and cancer prevention.

5) Apples and Oranges - Having coffee every day can make you jittery and raise your stress levels. Stress can eventually lead to heart problems. An apple alone will do a better job of waking you up in the morning. When coupled with an orange, you ensure yourself a great boost for the morning.

6) Enter Sandman - Getting the right hours of sleep will reduce stress and help your body maintain itself more efficiently. Staying up late and sleeping in on weekends doesn't count as getting the right hours. Your body reserves 10 pm to 7 am for deep sleep. Those are the hours you want to target in order to get the full benefit of your slumber.

7) Pill Popping - Taking a baby aspirin daily, surprisingly enough, can lower you risk of heart failure. Aspirin thins out your blood and, in the process, will prevent the formation of clots. Be careful not to take an adult aspirin daily as it could lead to potentially serious bleeding.

There's no guarantee you'll be as healthy as me, even after all these steps. Still, it doesn't hurt to strive to be as much like me as you physically can. No matter what you do, heart failure is still a risk in your older years. Should the day come that you have a heart attack and you have to be defibrillated, you better cross your fingers that it's not part of a defibrillator recall too many people die from faulty defibrillators. On the bright side, if you live to tell the tail, you can make yourself a pretty little lawsuit. Keep healthy, you fat shlub.

How to Catch a Bluff

I play poker every now and then and I'll be the first to admit that I know very little about the game. I just barely know the rules and when it comes to calculating odds, I'm pretty much braindead. How is it that I manage to win all the time and you're losing all your money? Because I never play my own hand, I play everyone else's. Here's a quick way how you can be just like me and milk the bluffers and avoid the big hands. Eventually you'll know how to win at poker (this line, in case you didn't notice, is to hook google searchers).

Eye contact - A bluffer will make very little eye contact since, subconsciously, they feel bad about lying about their hands. When they're hesitant to look people in the eye and sometimes look at objects, that's you're first cue to start raising.

Hand position - When your opponent puts his hands together in front of him, it could be another indication that he's lying. His hands are subconsciously a protection for him since he's afraid that he might be caught.

Check frequency - Someone with pocket aces will only need to look at their hand once. You have to be pretty stupid to forget that you're holding pocket aces. People with shit hands will constantly look back to see if there's any possibility that they might have overseen a possibility. If your opponent looks at his hand 3 or more times, it's safe to say that his confidence is wavering.

Beer behaviour - When sitting around a table in your parents basement playing cards (like you usually do, the ultimate tell can be the beer. After your opponent checks his hand, watch closely what he does with his beer. If he immediately takes a sip and puts it down without hesitation, he's feeling pretty good about himself and you should back off. If, however, you notice that he holds his beer and doesn't drink from it right away or drinks and then fiddles with the label, it's apparent that he's worried about the hand he just saw. If you want to get him to fold out, now would be a good time to scare him off with a high bid.

Calculators - Some people are able to really work out the odds of the deck and can calculate their chances of winning. You should never mistake this for insecurity. Too many people will mistake the calculation for insecurity when, in reality, human calculator are more even more confident after their calculation pause. How can you tell if the hesitation isn't calculation? Once again, it depends on his check frequency. If he checks his cards often, he's not calculating, he's looking for any possible opening for his crappy hand.

If you don't have any friends, you can always play poker online at Full Tilt Poker. Their special offer now is their Full Tilt Poker referral code. I'm assuming this Full Tilt Bonus will let you spend even more money on poker. No matter what PokerStars Bonus Code you use, it doesn't compare to taking your friends money and using it to buy cookie dough ice cream and 2,000 chicken nuggets. It's important to remember that no method is concrete and will work all the time. The method you should be dying to find is one that works MOST of the time. As long as it works more often that it doesn't, you're turning a profit. I know I'll gamble responsibly, and I hope you will too...unless you play against me. In that case, have a bus pass on you because I'll be driving your car home, sucka. Lates

Lightbulbs Are Your Friend

I saw a commercial the other day (I'll post it here if I find it on YouTube). This commercial showed a girl telling her dad about choosing fluorescent light bulbs of incandescent ones. According to the narrator, she had learned this "green" technique from a "go green" representative that came to her school. Does it not strike anyone as the least bit suspicious that children are being indoctrinated with this mountain of shit we know as the green movement? There is still debate as to whether or not man's actions are the reason for climate change. It wasn't long ago that Hitler youth were brainwashed into believing the Nazi ideals. Now we're creating a new generation who is afraid of the world coming to an end and, in order to save the world, we have to invest in the green movement. I was convinced that brainwashing on such a large scale wouldn't happen again since people have learned their lesson since then, but I forgot how fucking blind Americans are. What else should I expect from a nation of which 20% of the population doesn't know that the earth revolves around the sun.

So I will continue to buy my non-green light fixtures and I won't listen to Al Gore, whose Nashville mansion consumes 10 times more electricity than the standard home. I'm going to buy the highest wattage chandeliers and ceiling light fixtures and you're going to continue spending a fortune on "energy-friendly" light bulbs. Do you know why? Because I don't believe everything a 2-minute commercial and a single, crappy "documentary" tells me. You, on the other hand, are a sheep. You'll go wherever you're herded will ultimately end up squeezed dry. The only way out of this grim fate is to hire me as your personal digital mentor and send me $5 a month via paypal. Could you really afford not to?

How To Be The Nice Guy And Still Get The Girl

It happens all too often and it’s a sad sight to see; a guy thinks he’ll charm a girl by being the rebellious bad boy. Unfortunately, not all girls want to be with Charlie Sheen’s character in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. If this is the case with the girl you’re seeing, you might have to change your tactics because, in this day and age, nice guys don’t always finish last. Here are some ways to be the perfect nice guy and get the girl.

Steal the snake’s venom

Sometimes girls will tell you that they love the bad boy attitude and it’s hard to understand why. He’s dishonest, insincere and rude. All the traits you wouldn’t want to see in a mate. However, he does possess one trait that overpowers all the others: confidence. No matter what you’ll see the bad boy do, he’ll do it with confidence. So even though a woman might be dragged through the mud by her boyfriend, she still knows that he’s a strong, confident man. If you can be a nice guy and still show her you’re confident and strong, then you’re money.

Dangerously Good

You should never confuse being nice with being boring. It’s all too often that nice guys fall into the trap of being boring with all their orthodox compliments and actions. One reason why girls get turned off of the “nice guy” is because he lacks excitement and unpredictability. Try taking her places she’s never been to or do things she’s never done. When the excitement puts her on her toes, she looks to you for guidance and the fact that you’re playing the nice guy makes you look ten times greater.

Don’t let your job define you

One pitfall into which the “nice guy” sometimes falls is talking too much about his job. Unless you’re a professional rock climber or a daredevil, your job is boring. You can’t mask it. It doesn’t usually make for great conversation because, even though you may be passionate about it, she’s not. The “bad boy” will usually talk about exciting events that will grab the date’s attention as opposed to a ritual he does all day every day. Instead of yapping on about your occupation, try talking about life experiences and, if you’re lucky and don’t act boastfully, she’ll be impressed and possibly relate to them.

Over Polite

Chivalry is an art that will never die; however, it can very easily be overdone. When guys get nervous and insecure about a girl’s feelings, they often try to be over polite to compensate. It’s obvious how this can backfire. There’s nothing wrong with opening a door for your date but when you start to stand when she leaves the table and holding her chair while she sits down is a bit excessive and will not only make her feel awkward but also make you seem creepy. Keep the gestures moderate and within current society’s norms and you’ll do just fine.

Save Your Smiles

Even though you may be excited and you’re smiling because you’re nervous, smiling too much makes you seem weak and no woman worth having is drawn to weakness. Everywhere in nature, a smile is sign of fear and submission. From monkeys to wolves, animals use the smile to lower themselves in front of dominant figures. Your smile can be your white flag or your ultimate weapon. Holding your smile for when it counts not only makes you seem more confident, but also makes you appear more sincere in your toothy grin.

Blinded by the light

One of the best trademark techniques of the nice guy is listening. Unlike the “bad boy”, the nice guy will take an interest (or at least pretend to take an interest) in what his date has to talk about. If there’s one subject people love, it’s themselves. When you’re with your date, try keeping the spotlight on her. She’ll love the conversation and, to her mystery, she’ll like you even though she knows little about you. You just seemed so bright the whole night by shining the spotlight on her.

In summary, the ideal “good guy” will take the better points from the “bad boy” and rid himself of all the stereotypes associated with being the nice guy who finishes last. If you manage to find your perfect mix of danger and charm, you’ll not only give your date a great time, but also leave her with a craving for more. Until next time; be good and be cool.

11 Ways to Have a Better, More Trafficked Blog

So it’s been about 9 months since I’ve started this blog and, in that time, my hits per month have gone up 600% That’s 600x time better anything you’ve done. Since I’m an infinitely nice guy, I’ll let you know how you can do the same and share in my success and increase your blog traffic with QUALITY hits.

Rule #1: Nobody gives a shit about what you had for breakfast or when you bought the latest Hannah Montana album. If you expect to get hits, you have to write something people want to read. What do people want to read? People want to read about their favorite person: themselves. To every living, breathing individual, nothing is more important than their own lives. Anyone else’s life or opinions, with few exceptions, has little importance to them. Good writing will help the reader and isn’t just a vent of how crappy your egg McMuffin was this morning. Let the reader know shit they want to hear…like how to improve their blog.

Rule #2: The human brain is frustrated by having to read narrow columns. A lot of time is wasted by traveling from the end of one line to the beginning of the next one. Overall, it makes your articles look a lot longer than someone would want to read. When you start off on any free blogging service, like blogspot, find a template elsewhere online and switch it right away. It’s a simple copy paste. Knowing some basic HTML helps out mounds.

Rule #3: Add pictures with every entry. Nobody likes seeing a page full of text. It’s intimidating to see and no one who’s leisurely surfing the net wants to brave through a daunting text. Whenever possible, add a picture of a half naked woman. You have no idea how many people you’ll pick up from Google images searches. About 10% of those people will stick around and read some articles.

Rule #4: If you plan on making money, keep them out of the way of your articles. If your text is littered with stupid advertisements, you can bet your sweet Pringles-eating ass that your readers will hit the “back” button after 3 seconds.

Rule #5: Sign up with www.blogsoldiers.com . This is an online system in where you surf other people’s blogs in exchange for hits to your own. If you sit down with it for about an hour, you’ll have a nice trickle of hits from it for the next few months. This isn’t really generating quality hits since people will only stop by your page for the mandatory 20 seconds then leave but, occasionally, you’ll catch someone who sticks around and reads your articles. If that person enjoys your blog enough to check back (happened to me on several occasions) then you know your page is eye-catching and you’ve done a good job in the design and layout.

Rule #6: Sometimes hundreds of hits to your blog depend on just one word. One relevant word that you forgot to include could cost you. Download yourself a keyword fisher. You’ll enter your subject and it’ll search the net for relevant words that bigger sites use. Using the suggested relevant words could help you get more hits from Google searches.

Rule #7: Stay away from dodgy hit generators. I know this sounds a bit hypocritical considering rule #5, but blog soldiers is an exception. Google will be able to tell when your hits are fakes and you’ll end up with a lower pagerank.

Rule #8: Keep your game clean and avoid porn. There are 3 reasons for this. Firstly, you’re limiting your readership when there’s nudity on the page. People will avoid reading articles when others are around (in class, coffee shops, libraries, etc.). Secondly, when guys start seeing full out nudity, they’ll forget all about your site and go to their favorite porn site. Lastly, you’ll qualify for fewer advertisers when you have adult content on your site. Stick semi-naked to the semi-naked pics and you’ll be fine.

Rule #9: Sign up to a traffic analyzer site like www.sitemeter.com. You’ll be able to see what people are searching up to get to your site and which of your links are working. This will give you some hints as to where to advertise next.

Rule #10: No one will psychically know about your blog and enter the URL. You have to get your name out on the web. The more diverse link you have pointing towards your blog, the better. People will come from all over and Google will give you a higher pagerank, which will further boost traffic. Post links in the comments section of similar posts in popular blogs or sites. Ask any contacts with high pageranks to link to you. Never copy and paste a standard message like “I have some more good tips at www.imadouch.com” all over the net. Google will pick up on this and see you as a spammer. Write a unique message every time.

Rule #11: Even if you have a surge of good ideas for articles, don’t write them all at once. Jot some notes down and save them for later. All too often, writers will get burnt out after writing a dozen entries and not post for another few months, if at all. This irregularity is also bad for readers who might just be returning for the first time and will be deterred from returning again because of the lack of updates.

How Global Warming Conflicts With Your Religion

If you still believe in all this global warming bullshit, not only are you stupid but you're also a hypocrite. That's right; you're a turd sandwich and you didn't even know! It doesn't matter which philosophy you follow, it conflicts with the ridiculous notion of global warming. Here's why:

Jewish/Christian?

After the flood, G-d promised never to flood the earth: "I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of a flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth." (Genesis 9:11) So if you believe Al Gore's fantasy of the ice caps melting and flooding the world, you're saying that G-d went back on his word and are, therefore, going to hell, you sacrilegious bastard.

Atheist/Agnostic?

You either don't think there is a god or don't care. Whatever the case may be, you think the evidence pointing towards the existence of a higher being is sketchy and, in some cases, exaggerated. Right? Well the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), the panel of 2500 scientist that Al Gore loves to cite, contains many scientists who disagree with global warming all together. Also, the famous "hockey stick graph" that Al Gore uses has been shown to be false and uses fabricated numbers like a CO2 increase of 1% a year when it's really .5% That's a 100% margin of error. If you dismiss evidence of G-d as inconsistent and anecdotal, then you have absolutely no reason to believe global warming, you godless sucka.

Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Bobby Henderson emphasizes that correlation doesn't imply causality (not a revolutionary concept) by illustrating the correlation between global temperatures and the amount of pirates in the world. Your "religion" outrightly denounces global warming, so you're a total tool if you still believe in alarmist environmental theories.

Islamic?

Though Muslims are quite spread out, they are found mostly in the Arab penninsula and Northern Africa, where 90-100% of the population is Muslim. That being the case, climate change policy will disadvantage these countries the most. Arab countries rely heavily on oil for political leverage. African countries would very much like to develop their country by being able to exploit their coal resources. Unfortunately, global warming policy is trying to keep Africa "green." This means that they're forced to use solar energy instead of their cheap coal. The problem with that is no one can afford solar panels. Hospitals are forced to run without electricity because solar panels are out of reach. Ya, that's totally fair. The West can use coal in the industrial revolution to advance themselves, but not Islamic Africa.

Church of Heaven's Gate?

The earth's being recycled. Stop whining and kill yourself.

Satanist?

The first tenet of Satanism is to indulge rather than to abstain. You won't find Al Gore, with his global warming notions, wanting to have less laws and control over people. According to Al Gore, we've been very bad and now we have to abstain from many of life's pleasures. Not very Satanist if you ask me.

No matter what your religion, Al Gore is Satan....unless you're a Satanist. Then he's Jesus. Even if you believe in no god at all, Al Gore represents a contradiction in your philosophy. So know this: whoever you are and whatever you believe; you're a hypocritical douche if you believe in global warming. Peace out, fool.

How to Speed Date...Successfully

It’s become more and more obvious that technology is speeding up the pace at which business is done. The result is a population that is obsessed with speed and efficiency. Unfortunately, some individuals carry the same logic over to their dating life. The first steps of dating are stressful and intimidating. That’s why some people are attracted to speed dating. The motivation to go to a sped dating event is to get the process over with as quickly as possible and keeping the awkward moments to a minimum. Don’t be fooled into thinking that speed dating is like a bunch of mini dates. The strategies are quite different. Imagine regular dating a reading various articles in a newspaper. Speed dating is like reading a news paper by its headlines. If the headlines are appealing and clever enough, the reader is enticed to continue reading the newspaper. In the same way, you have to appeal to your date in little time using very few words. On the plus side, maybe this will be better for you because your date won't have much time to realize what a shmuck you are. Here are some ways to ensure you get that second date you’re after.

Save Your Best Smile

I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s even more important in this context. Your date knows that you’re seeing a lot of other women that night. If you’re too much of a smile whore then your toothy grin looses all its impact. Instead, hold your smile for the best moments like after she says something entertaining. When she feels that you’re genuinely enjoying yourself, she’ll feel as if she’s something special and that’s what will get you the next date.

Chin Up

While you may only get the chance to express five minutes worth of words, your body language could be screaming “I’m an insecure, douche of a man”. In the short time you have during your audition, it’s crucial that you appear calm and confident since the goal is to pique her curiosity and have her drawn to you even if she doesn’t understand why. Firstly, it’s important to sit up straight. Save your gangsta lean for the Impala. Keeping a straight back shows your full height. In their unconscious primitive minds, women are looking for the best and strongest specimen with whom to mate. Taller individuals are usually seen as being stronger and better leaders. While straightening your posture, you should also be looking. This may seem obvious, but you'd be amazed at how many Neanderthals will slouch in front of their date and fuck the whole thing up for themselves.

Save Your Best Smile

I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s even more important in this context. Your date knows that you’re seeing a lot of other women that night. If you’re too much of a smile whore then your toothy grin looses all its impact. Instead, hold your smile for the best moments like after she says something entertaining. When she feels that you’re genuinely enjoying yourself, she’ll feel as if she’s something special and that’s what will get you the next date.

Stay Fresh

In a speed dating situation, odds are that your date’s been asked her occupation and hobbies a thousand times over. She’ll remember you a lot more if you don’t talk about generic topics. Try asking about her favorite childhood cartoon, ideal vacation, etc. Stay away from topics that will make you seem too random or weird. You want to appear original, not as if you live in your parents’ basement and have a booger collection...even though you probably do.

Aim The Spotlight

Although it sometimes may be easier to keep conversation going by talking about yourself, it makes for sucky dialogue. People love themselves more than anyone in the world. Talking about themselves is an incredibly enjoyable activity. If you think about it, the only reason you’re reading this is because it’s about you and not what I did yesterday. This is the exact passion that you should be exploiting. Keep the spotlight on her while you show/fake interest will create a conversation she’ll enjoy. It’s important that the conversation be about something of which she’s passionate and can go on about. Although it’s challenging to find that perfect topic, it pays off in the end.

Appearance is Everything

In the 5 minutes you’ll have with your date, they’ll take a snapshot of how you look and smell. When the brain remembers a face, it creates a caricature image. All the features and defects are exaggerated. This means it’s crucial to look your absolute best because Cindy-Lou won’t easily forget your cowlick or bad breath. Check my section on fixing yourself up to make sure you don’t go out looking like the bum you are.

Even if you follow all these guidelines, there’s no guarantee that you’ll succeed. You should be smart enough to know that. If you’re not, then go away. You don’t deserve to be reading such fine writing. You have to realize that, although the guidelines are crucial, you have to add in your own style and comfort to your dating techniques. Once you become accustomed to the basics of speed dating, you’ll be able to work the situation to your favor. It’s also important not to loose confidence. It’s speed dating; if you screw up, you can try again in 5 minutes. It’s like dating a goldfish. Maybe you won't spend Valentine's day alone again. Be cool and have fun.

Being the Alpha Male

If you’ve ever really analyzed your interactions with you guy friends, you’ll notice that, quite often, there’s a power struggle. There’s always a competition who can be the alpha male. Some guys are better at hiding their fight to the top than others, but the fight to the top is always there. This struggle can take the form of a drinking competition, videogames, sports, table seating, etc. Being the alpha of the group means that others will be motivated by you and constantly seek your approval. When it comes to making plans, others will want to go where you’re going and will put confidence in your decision making. If this sounds like something you’d like, this just may be the article for you.

There’s a very fine line between being the dominant member of the group and making a total jackass of yourself. The same principles of the wolf pack apply but, since we’re dealing with humans, we have to tone everything down and reduce every action to the subconscious. 

Head seat 

When possible, take the head seat of the table. The fact that you can see everyone else while have to turn their head to others in order to see you is a subtle sign that you are the main attraction and feature of the table. When in another’s house, always remember to allow the host to have the head. In this situation, sit either on the right of the host or at the seat opposite to the head. These are the spots that will most likely put you in the direct attention of the pack. When you’re at a restaurant and sitting at a large table, take the middle seat. The end seats are usually left out of the big conversations while the middle seats get the most face time and are where both ends look. 

Drinking

Unfortunately, when a bunch of guys get together for some hearty drinking at a bar, they revert to a Neanderthal state. Your ability to drink and keep your cool is how you are gauged as a man. In a situation like this, remember to have your chasers and not be drinking on an empty stomach. To further your sobriety training, check out my previous post about “Building A Tolerance.” If you don’t feel yourself able to drink more than your chums, don’t try. You’ll only make yourself look stupid. Instead, focus on staying charismatic. Let your friends become drunken idiots as you egg them on to drink more while you nurse your beer.

Body Language

Most of what you’re saying to your friends isn’t coming out of your mouth. Your body language is letting out more information about your feelings than you’ll ever discuss. Here are some crucial points to remember:

-Never slouch You want to show your full height. In our primitive history, the leader of the pack was the strongest, biggest and, therefore, tallest. People have a natural respect and generally expect better leadership from a taller individual.

-Keep your hands away from your mouth This shows others that you’re trying to hide yourself and aren’t truly confident. Your hands should either be at your sides, resting on your hips or simply in the crossed arm position.

-Avoid holding objects in front of you Any object held in front of you is seen as a barrier behind which you're hiding. A truely fearless alpha doesn't need to create symbolic shields. 

-Keep at least 1 hand free When you're in a situation where you're leading a conversation yet you still welcome the input of others, the best possible position is one hand in the pocket with the thumb sticking out. The fact that you chose to withdraw a hand from visibility implies that you welcome another hand in the game. The reason for showing your thumb is so, firstly, you don't look like you're nervously fidgeting with something. Secondly, a hand too far into a pocket means that you're hiding something.

Wrestling

When guys get rowdy, we tend to get pretty clear about our masculinity and we have little wrestling match to try and pin one another. Avoid any temptation to wrestle any of your friends when rough housing. Pinning someone won’t make you dominant; you’ll just be creating yourself a passive-aggressive enemy within the group that will annoy you later. Even the dominant male in the wolf pack has an enforcer to do his thug work. When you’re dealing with a group of friends, you want them to respect you, not fear you. Leading by fear means people just won’t want you around. Leading by respect means people feel that they need you around. 

Gaze

When talking to someone, never be afraid to look at them in the eye. This shows that you’re superior to them since you aren’t scared of eye contact with. This also shows that you can focus on your speech while also taking in their gaze. When listening to someone, try to avoid direct gaze. This will give off the impression that you’re incorporating other ideas into what’s being said and you’re not so focused on how the speaker feels. Try not to stray your gaze too far. This will make you seem like a cocky douche and, from my experience; people generally don’t like cocky douches.

Motivation

Whenever you hear someone talk about themselves, that isn’t your opportunity to rush in and relate the conversation to you and how much better you are in the field of whatever’s being spoken. Let’s say, for example, your buddy just took up martial arts and you’ve been practicing it for 5 years now. When he tells you “Hey, I’ve been taking karate classes this past month” that’s not your cue to shove your gloated ass into the conversation by telling him about your background. Instead, ask him how he likes it. Ask him which techniques he’s learned and encourage him to continue. The dominant male isn’t always the center of attention. People will listen to you much more when you’re a character that makes them feel good about themselves. Afterwards, IF he asks if you’ve had any experience in the field, then you have my permission to tell him about your history. Letting him discover it on his own will make it 10x more impressive. Guaranteed. 

In all this, it’s extremely important to remember that these techniques are meant to be directed towards the subconscious. All the guidelines are meant to be acted out in a very subtle and indirect fashion. Exaggerating any of these aspects will make you incredibly annoying and a bigger pompous asshole than anyone could ever imagine. If, however, you manage to play this unspoken power struggle just right; people, though they may not understand why, will see you as the alpha male, look to you for guidance, social cues and mimic your behaviours. Mission accomplished.