How to Fall Asleep at Night

You know the feeling; you have to wake up early tomorrow but the sandman just won't come. You're stuck watching the clock next to your bed. Every 5 minutes you calculate how much sleep you could get if you fell asleep at that exact moment. Not surprisingly, the next morning you're so dead tired that you can't understand how you could possibly have had trouble sleeping. Well that's about to change. Here's how you're gonna get your 40 winks without delay tomorrow night.

Cereal - the morning crusader also works nights

A bowl of cereal about 30 min before bedtime will help you on your journey to La-La Land. Don't confuse this suggestion with an invitation to eat anything that you can think of before bed. Heavier, prepared meals will get your body in digestion mode and you'll find it much harder to sleep. A light meal like cereal is ideal. I made the mistake of looking this up in the forums. People tended to disagree with the cereal before bed since they had a bowl and they still weren't asleep. That brings me to my next point...

Avoid electronics like the plague

Look at all the cool shit you have! You can listen to music while checking your email while chatting with your friends about Dungeons & Dragons while getting a colonoscopy! As great as all that sounds, none of it should be a part of your routine 30 minutes before you plan on getting to sleep. Devices like computers are highly interactive and will keep your mind fully stimulated. As long as your brain is at this level of activity, no amount of cereal will ever get you to bed. Do everyone who's there on the message boards, bitching that conventional sleeping methods don't work, try shutting down the porn and open a book.

Knockout Tub

For the man who's "in touch with his emotions" a warm bath with some lavender oil added could be just the thing that'll crack this streak of insomnia. Lavender is widely known to be a sleep aid. Combining it with a hot bath makes it even more potent because your not only inhaling lavender infused vapour, but the hot water opens up your pores and you'll absorb more of that nighttime goodness. For those of you who have a bit too much testosterone or are worried that your friends might find out about your late night aquatic escapades, a few drops of lavender oil on your pillow will yield similar results.

Bedroom Association

You should only be doing 2 things in your bedroom, the less exciting of which is sleeping. Other than that, you should be keeping out of your room. Try not to sit on your bed while you have late night chats with your 230 lbs. cybersex buddy, Bambi420. The more things you do in your room, the more your brain associates that area with mental stimulation. If your brain learns that when you’re in bed (alone), it’s sleep time, you’ll eventually find yourself getting drowsy when you enter your bedroom. That’s because your brain will recognize it’s environment and begin to decrease its activity. This is almost the same concept as the environmental tolerance I mentioned in the alcohol tolerance article.

Take a Trip to Palmsdale

If you didn't have a proper workout before going to bed, you're muscles will have trouble entering a state of relaxation. A quick way of putting your entire body and in a state of total relaxation is, obviously enough, masturbation. Playing a solo on the devil's clarinet releases a chemicals called endogenous opioid peptides into your brain. Opium, if you couldn't tell by the name, is also an opioid. Opioids will have a muscle relaxing and sleep inducing effect similar to that of morphine. This, combined with many other hormones released in the process, will have a sedative effect and should have you dreaming in no time.

At the end of the day, we each have something that works best for us. Nothing will work for everyone all the time. Should none of these methods even remotely help, you should consider seeing a doctor and ask about the possibility of insomnia. Staying up late for anything isn't cool. Sleep deprivation result in a lower IQ, impaired driving, poor social skill and, worst of all, ugly bags underneath your eyes. Sleep tight and don't tell your boyfriend you really dream about me at night.

Your Nose And You: a man's guide to boogers

So you've got a nose full green plasma. Some people call it disgusting but it's snot. (HAHA) Boogers come in many shapes and textures. Each one requires you to take the proper actions and precautions to ensure safe ejection. Improper action can lead to sticky, mucous covered hands or worse: a nose bleed. Be sure to read the following article very carefully before your next pick or it could be you last.

Species

The Mossy Rock

This is pretty much your standard, run-of-the mill boog. The out side is slightly goopy but the center is pretty solid and well built. There's no need to panic for this one. It's harmless. You have 2 options for dealing with this bad boy. The first option is using a Kleenex. Thanks to the slightly slimy exterior of the specimen, it will form a semi-seal in the nostril and will allow for a pressure buildup great enough to fling it into a Kleenex. Your second option is going in for a manual extraction using the index finger. The nougat-like center will allow you to nab that sucker without too much mess. Keep in mind that before you flick it, you'll have to roll it. (See Methods & Techniques below).

The Meteor

The meteor is the bastard son of the mossy rock. Unlike it's father the meteor does not have a soft, lubricated coating. This means that going in for the pick puts you at risk of pressing it's jagged surface against the wall of your nostril. This will produce a very painful sensation. If the meteor is big enough, it might just have enough air resistance to be shot into a Kleenex. If it's too small for this, a quick hot shower will transmogrify the rebellious ingrate into a more manageable species. For those brave souls, if the situation call for it, you can use good ol' index to coax the evil menace out of your nose but proceed with extreme caution.

The Comet

The Comet is the athletic, studious and legitimate son of mossy rock. It still has pops solid core and semi-gushy exterior. Though it is slightly less lubricated than the mossy rock, it hides behind it a magnificent secret. Its tail is a soft endoplasm that extends deep into the nasal cavity. This leads me to the best way to remove it. The fun and joy behind a comet is picking it out. You think you're just getting a regular mossy rock but suddenly you discover that your removing a full umbilical cord and you're suddenly able to breath 90% better. You can always use Kleenex, but why would you want to?

The Blob

99% of the audience already know what I'm talking about. Yes, the blob is morbidly obese, jobless uncle who we all hate. The blob is that oozy drippy unpleasantness that comes along and ruins your perfect date walking through the park on a beautiful fall afternoon. Nothing is less attractive than a man who is producing a sound out of his nose that many experts would claim is a dolphin fart. Picking is like sticking your finger into a package of ground beef and hence is futile. All your base are belong to blob. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. See how fucking annoying blowing your nose over and over gets!?!? There's no end in sight! The blob just keeps regenerating and haunting you. The worst part is that, should you take a stand and just don't blow anymore, you feel like it's full out dripping out of your nose even though it's really not. Damn you blob! You're deceiving and relentless!

The Clingon

The Clingon is a vicious little demon. He's known for clinging onto nose hairs and refusing to let go. A clingon can be brought about by either a blob exposed to Canada's winters or by a meteor that has just so happened to form around a hair. The only way to remove a clingon is through a masochistic display of follicle extraction. Blowing into a Kleenex won't help. Clingons have been said to hold onto hairs in the presence of winds exceeding 130 mph. Blow all you want but that sucker's holding on tighter than a bulimic chick to her uvula.

The Paint Scraping

Some people love 'em, some hate 'em. Paint scrapings are the semi-solid boogers that'll stick close to the wall of your nostril. Due to their ergonomic and aerodynamic design, trying to blow them out simply won't work. It's obvious that your going to need to go in there with a motion that's strangely reminiscent of getting the leftover cake batter off the walls of a bowl. Under no circumstances is this picking to be done in public. Scraping your nose paint is the most obvious and disgusting style of nose picking. The application of pressure to the walls result in you pushing your nose outwards and causes your upper lip to lift up slightly. Needless to say, you do not want to be caught in this position. Try and reserve this simple pleasure for the privacy of your own home.

The Constipation

Say goodbye to quiet breathing when you've got a constipated nose. You've got a blob so viscous that not even your full lung pressure can dis-lodge it. Trying will only make your ears pop. Your only option is to melt away the the dam with a nice steamy shower or bath.

Methods & Techniques

The Roll

Semi-moist goblins require a slight amount of rolling to get them into their most aerodynamic shape and also to reduce their sticky properties. Rolling is as easy as touching your index finger to your thumb and moving it in a clockwise pattern.

The Flick

After you're done rolling, you gotta get rid of the evidence. I mean where are you gonna put it? Your pocket? With the nasal C4 on your index, flick normally, as you would to an insect who's wronged you.

The Shnot-Rocket

Tilt your head back slightly, block one nostril with your index finger and blow out of your nose vigorously. The pressure should fling out the contents of your nose without dirtying your fingers. WARNING: Attempting this technique with the blob may result in a toxic loogie oozing out your nose. Women immediately report to one another when they spot a guy whose got a toxic loogie. They have a universal online database of this but I haven't been able to crack the password...or find the site...or find anyone who would admit to it.

5-Fingered Tissue

In the absence of a tissue one, one may pinch his nose slightly and use his hand as if it was a tissue. When the deed is done, a quick snap of the wrist will rid the hand of it's congealed mess. Acceptable places to practice this are: in the shower or on a hiking trip. Unacceptable places to do this are at a pool or at the office. Know your limits.

Manswers - For Ass By Ass

So I just saw the show "Manswers." If you want to know what I'm ranting about before I start, you can see full episodes of the show here (it's all legal, don't worry, you wuss). I must say, I thought American television reached it's lowest of lows when I ranted about "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader." Unfortunately, American society has reached a new low. The show "Manswers" claims to be all the answers to what men want to know. Since this is pretty much what I like writing about, I thought I'd give it a look. I must say that it's an insult to masculinity and if you enjoy watching the show, you're not a man, you're a hack. The first thing that almost gave me an aneurysm was the obnoxious "extreme" narrator. The idea that men need a surfer/drill sergeant to pay attention is retarded. Since I'm not 7 and watching a GI Joe commercial, there's no reason for the narrator to be some prick who won't stop yelling. Next, the camera is constantly zooming in and out with sound effects. It's as if they're worried that I have severe ADD that would cause me to look away if I didn't focus on the screen. Finally, the questions are answered using either a ridiculous cut sequence or using a semi-naked woman. I'll admit, there are subtle ways of getting men to pay attention but it's very much an art form. When you get a chick to shoot a gun just to watch her tits bounce, you're not being coy, you're being a tool.
This show doesn't provide you with answers to anything. If you're really curious about anything, look it up. Don't trust a 15 second cut sequence, that mainly illustrates breasts, for your source of any kind of information. If someone ever starts a conversation with me based on something they saw on Manswers, I'll punch them square in the mouth. Not only does the show tell you dick all about anything, but the fact that you sat through an entire episode and took it seriously means you're a total gooch scab that doesn't deserve to keep all his teeth.

How To Be The Omega Male

I've already discussed how one would go about being the alpha male in a social situation. However, sometimes the goal isn't to be known by everyone, but rather to slip through unnoticed. Whether you want to avoid getting noticed by your ex at a party or you're spying the king of Jordan, you're going to want to learn how to be the omega male.

Avoid Eye Contact

The human brain is designed to pay the most attention to a set of eyes. Have you ever noticed that some people always see a face in a smoky picture and claim it's a ghost. That's because, as a survival instinct, humans are conditioned to find a face. By hiding your eyes, you're hiding the most defining feature of your face and are therefore less likely to have a gaze shot your way.

Arm Fortress

Keep your arms low and folded in front of you. Humans will instinctively direct their attention towards another creature with its limbs in the air as it could be a potential threat. Keeping your arms crossed makes you smaller in the eyes of all those around as well as their subconscious minds. Should you ever need to stretch your arms, remember to stretch them down. Spreading your arms to the side or upwards, will merit you unneeded gazes. Just like in the animal world, appearing bigger and more spread out is designed to get you attention be everyone around.

(Never) Dress to Impress

Before attending the event, think long and hard about the dress code and what the guests will be wearing. If you're wearing a necktie in a room full of bow ties, you can be damn sure that, as eyes glaze across the room, they'll stop on you. If you want yo be unnoticed and forgotten, it's imperative that you can be easily mistaken for anyone else in the room.

Inconspicuous seating

When sitting around a long table, sit closer to one of the ends as opposed to the middle. Never sit at either head of the table. The middle is where the action is and people at either end of the table tend to look inwards towards the center as opposed to outward. However, should you find yourself in a situation where you're sitting around a smaller table, it's best to sit in the middle since the heads of the table are receiving the most attention.

Lay off the Booze

Holding a glass of wine can help you blend in and might take the edge off, but down it too quickly and you'll catch some uninvited gazes. One thing about society today is that we feed off drama. No other creature will sit in front of a box for hours watching a member of its own species embarrass on shows like "Cops" and "America's Funniest Home Videos." With all that in mind, alcohol has thrown many great men off their game. One slight misstep after your 3rd tequila shot will have you flagged by anyone who witnesses it. For the rest of the night they'll observe your actions for any sign of increased intoxication. Being under such close supervision is no way to have your face forgotten the next day. Try to nurse that bourbon on the rocks, chief.

Dodge the Spotlight

It’s inevitable that you get in a conversation or two at a party. If you’re not interacting with people, you’ll get noticed as a creepy background guy who is purposely avoiding everyone. So your goal is to converse, but say very little. To accomplish this, when in a conversation, keep the attention on the person you’re speaking to. People, more than anything, love themselves. People will gladly talk about their lives and boast about that which they should be ashamed. If you keep asking questions and fake interest in your talking partner, they’ll end up liking you but then realize that they know nothing about you. Also, you don’t want to risk saying anything that might attract the attention of an eavesdropper and cause a group conversation.

Never assume that being an omega male is bad. It's simply another form of adaptation. Unlike the alpha or beta male, the omega spends his time observing his surroundings and gathering information from others. Just because a man is in the omega position and gets no attention doesn't mean he's inferior or any less dangerous. When you enter a party as omega, the golden rule is to check your ego at the door. An omega stays in the shadows and comes out only when it is absolutely necessary. Be safe.

How To Win An Eating Contest

In their strange culture that is manhood, the man that can eat the most is considered the manliest. Why this is, I'll never know. Since my the point of my blog is to teach you how to be better than everyone else, here's how to win an eating contest.

Expand Your Walls

The day before the event, drink as much water as you can. Water will stretch out your stomach and quickly exit it. Just like pulling a balloon before you blow it up, this will make it less painful to eat so much food.

Satan's Cereal
For lunch, the day before your big eat, have a bowl of fiber cereal with prune juice. You can guess what you'll be doing that evening. This technique will help clean out your digestive tract and make sure that everything will function poperly on the big day.

Speed Eating

It's a bit obvious that you have to eat quickly in an eating contest but, in case the competition is about volume not speed, remember that slow and steady does not win the race. You have a 20 minute time frame from the time your stomach says you're full to the time you actually feel full. In that short span, you have to down as much as you can. After that, you're gonna really start hurting halfway through you meal, lard-o.

Chewbacca

It's important to chew your food properly. No, I don't care about you choking. If you're stupid enough to engage in a primitive eating contest, odds are no one cares about you choking. Food that isn't chewed properly get swallowed with air. That air in you belly means you'll have added discomfort while your eating and may just be the difference between you becoming an fatso and a fatso-so.

Cardio Your Hunger

Some research shows that cardiovascular exercise increases one's appetite. That's right, Porky Pig. Ironically enough, to show your friends you can eat more, you're going to have to pop your jiggly butt onto a treadmill and get that hunger into high gear.

Obviously Genetics plays a lot into how much you can eat but these tips might just be that extra little boost you needed. In my opinion, competitive eating is among the stupidest things guys can do. If you win, you're ultimately a fat loser. If you lose, you're still a loser...only you're a less capable loser. Chew on that, sucka.

Drink To Your Health: How Alcohol is Healthy

Few things parallel in greatness to alcohol. It is, in fact, a maker of miracles. If it weren't for alcohol, 67% of ugly chicks would never see action until their mid 30s. Occasionally, some people will rain on your parade and tell you how bad alcohol is. We've all heard about alcohol destroying your liver or killing brain cells. If you were ever looking for justification for your drinking habits, here they are:

Beer

A Finnish-U.S. study showed that beer drinkers have 40% less chance of developing kidney stones. I'd rather drink a pint than pee out a rock any day. I'm not a man of such extreme sadomasochistic fetishes...but that's just me. Beer is also fat free and cholesterol free. I bet your favorite candy bar can't boast the same. Another study showed that, after 30 days of moderate beer consumption, adults show signs of a heightened immune system. The effect was greatest in women. I don't understand why ladies always find it creepy and suspicious when I encourage them to drink more.

Tequila

Tequila is made from a fruit called blue agave. Blue agave is known to absorb fat in the intestines and lower cholesterol. Maybe next time you'll think twice before prudely rejecting a tequila slammer at the bar. Your stretching bathing suit just might thank you.

Red Wine

Red wine, is pretty well known for being rich in anti-oxidants. If you drink a glass of red wine every day, you're almost guanranteeing yourself a lower chance of cancer. Women, drinking red wine lowers the risk of heart attack for you. For the old farts out there, red wine decreases your chances of developing cataract. No one ever said classy and healthy didn't mix.

Vodka

Russian's have something to brag about now that vodka has been found to prevent type 2 diabetes. A shot of the Soviet after shave could have you eating cupcakes for a long time to come, tub-o.

Whisky & Brandy

Whisky and brandy, just like red wine, has antioxidants that will prevent your risk of heart disease and cancer. Their antioxidants are actually more powerful than that of red wine. So you can sip on some Pinot Noire with the business chums, but when it comes to a night out with the guys, you know your best buddy will always be Mr. Jack Daniels.

Just in case some geniuses don't understand the concept of self-discipline, drinking should always be done in moderation. Over-consumption of alcohol, like anything else, will result in adverse effects. Just because alcohol has it's downsides when abused, doesn't mean it's bad. Drinking too much milk will give you kidney stones but you don't see any AA groups for that. So know your limits, be safe, and have a good time.

Raw Diet For Dogs (Part 1)

I feed my bird pepper, carrots and broccoli and that's totally acceptable. I feed my fish lettuce, cucumbers and cabbage and that's totally acceptable. However, when I tell people I feed my dog raw chicken, beef and turkey, they're suddenly up in arms with their objections. I must be crazy to do this. Here's why I feed my dog raw meat and, since you wanna copy me all the time, how you can do it too.

Why:
Chewing bones cleans your dog's teeth better than any store bought treat ever will. This means they won't rot when he's older and you won't have to break your wallet getting them pulled.

- Many name brand pet foods use fat rendered from euthanized cats and dogs

- Commercial pet food companies, like Eukaneuba, have harsh animal testing facilities

- Commercial pet foods have been found to contain sodium pentobarbitol: the poison used to euthanize cats and dogs

- Grains, a main ingredient in almost all commercial pet foods, is a filler. Dogs cannot digest this. The carbohydrates get turned into sugar which will lead to poor liver function. Have you ever seen a wolf eat grains?

But...

Your dog could catch salmonella.

Had I immediately given him old stanky meat, probably. His immune system can now deal with any salmonella on meat. Firstly, dog saliva has antibacterial properties. That's why they lick their wounds. Secondly, a dog's intestines are 1/4 the length of human intestines. They're designed for quick absorption and elimination. This is the perfect set up for raw meat sine it's high in vitamins (so it doesn't need to stay long) and any bacteria doesn't have time to incubate.

He could choke/get hurt on the bones

Unlike a Quebecois in front of a large poutine, my dog chews his food. Raw chicken bones are soft and springy. They don't splinter like cooked bones. Anyone who argues that raw bones can shard will show you examples of weight bearing bones. Any raw feeder knows that these bones aren't meant to be eaten by any domestic dog. Wolves are able to eat weight bearing bones because the shard created by the crushing of these bones gets wrapped in the fur of the consumed animal while in the stomach. This prevents damage to the inner organs.

It's a hassle

True, it takes longer to prepare. I'm willing to make that sacrifice. Maybe you'd be healthier if you did the same and prepared yourself a decent meal instead of parking your fat ass down at McDonald's 3 times a week for greasy food that's in your mouth within 5 minutes of ordering.

Forget horses, Asians are the new thing to bet on

ScreenLife Games is at it again. They launched a new Banzai game. Check it out:
Does anyone remember that show Banzai that was on TV? You'd bet on the Asians doing tho most random things: who can eat rice faster, who can go on an excercise bike longer etc. Now there's a DVD of it. I suppose you can watch it only once, but it's still quite fun. Traditionally, you're supposed to bet on the outcome. I don't see why you wouldn't just turn it into a drinking game for you and your buddies. It could be quite entertaining. Online, they have lots of fun downloads and games to promote their new DVD like an online Tamagotchi-like character: Tako-gotchi. There's a pic of m lil guy to the right. I think he's eating little teddy bears in sushi rolls...kind of odd. Takogotchi has it’s own myspace page. If you still can't figure out the easy concept of betting on Asians, there's a how to play guide on the website. If this souns like something you might be interested in, you can purchase Banzai online. Even if you sit at home with and watch it with your mom and a big bowl of her homemade mac & cheese, it's still very fun to watch. Lates, Suckas.

Breakfast Cereals Are Destroying Society

I've always asked myself why there are so many punk kids today who think it's ok to become stoned slackers who talk back to their elders. When I was a kid, giving your mom lip (or any adult, for that matter) merits you a smack with a wooden sandal or plastic coat hanger. Now you'll have little Johnny McBratson flipping his mom the bird as he continues to play with his fake friends on Xbox live. Where did this behaviour come from? (other than your shitty-ass parenting) Breakfast cereals. That's right, breakfast cereals are responsible for corrupting today's youth and turning them into the rebellious little foreskins they are today. Lets have a look at some cereals and I'll show you how they're a menace to society.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC)

Every CTC commercial follows the same template. The dialogue is between a teen and an adult:
"Hey Murray, do you know why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?"
"It's got fructose which is highly addictive"
"No, lame-brain, it's got cinnamon swirls on every bite!"
Who the fuck are you to think you know so much about cereal, punk? Do you think you know better than someone who's more than twice your age? You're nowhere near as smart or as witty as you think you are. I hope the "cinnamon sugar" rots your teeth to a paste, you disrespectful dingleberry.

Trix

Day after day, I see this poor rabbit try to get his fix of a balanced breakfast. Day after day, he's met with the same response: "Silly, Rabbit. Trix are for kids." That's good sharing, Johnny PeePants. Even when the rabbit gets his own Trix cereal, these snot-nosed punks pop out of a bush and steal his cereal. I can't wait for the Trix rabbit to partner up with the killer bunny from Montey Python: "Silly, rabbit. Trix ar...GYYYAAAHHHH" *bunny rips out jugular*

Apple Jacks

Every commercial, an adult will remind a group of long-haired, pseudo-rebellious kids that their cereal doesn't even taste like apples. The kids brush him off and say that they eat what they like. Essentially what their saying is that they'll fall for any simple marketing ploy. I doubt those Menudo rejects would scarf down that shit if they found out it was really just sugar and wheat by-products.

Cocoa Puffs/Sugar Crisp/Corn Pops

I decided to group these four together because they all allude to the same social problem. Whenever I hear any of their catch phrases, I can't help but be reminded of a cocaine addict. I'll be honest, I like cereal; it's pretty healthy, it's satisfying and it doesn't take long to make. However, a lack of cereal will never cause me to go "cuckoo" nor will I break out into sweat since "I've gotta have my pops." If your sugar/crack addicted kids try to come near my kids, I'll gun them down before they get within 10 yards. No kid of mine will turn into a puffed wheat peddler.

Cap'n Crunch

Cap'n Crunch commercials always start with a bunch of kids being treated unfairly by an adult. Mr. Crunch then shows up and transports them to a colorful world of berries. Now tell me how exactly this isn't exactly like a bunch of slacker popping some LSD to escape the drudgery of a mundane life? Here's a newsflash for you, Paul McCartney Jr., escaping reality won't help you with your problems. Quit poppin' crunch berries, get yourself a job and stop leeching off society.

5 Annoying Drunk People

"Once I was alone with five drunks,
Each of them was stinkier than skunks.
Simply for fun,
I pissed in the rum,
Then I watched the douche bags blow chunks"
-Carma B

Continuing in the tradition of people who piss me off, I wrote the following article. Every time I go to a party, there are different breeds of drunks. Each one finds his own way to piss me off and ruin the party for other. We all know who they are and it's about time their stupidity was brought out into the open like a closet-necrophiliac fifth-grader.

#1 The Tough Guy

Nothing says "I'm a huge douche" like another macho guy at the bar whose swaggering from side to side. Good for you, Siegfried, you grew yourself some beer balls. I just hope you drank enough to numb the pain when your ass gets knocked down to the pub floor. When alcohol gets into your blood stream, it interferes with your reaction time as well as with your sense of balance. You very much need both if you want to get somewhere other than the bathroom stall with your head in the toilet.

#2 The Daredevil

When there are enough people around, you can count on one drunken pube-snip to do something stupid that will either injure him or break something. Once all the eyes on him, Buttman will probably do something stupid and generic like jump into a bush or show you a knife trick. Congrats, Mr. Fantasdick, you look like a tool! If you want to be entertaining, tell a joke. When I want to see someone break a jungle gym while running into something nuts-first, I watch America's Funniest Home Videos reruns, where the wacky football-to-the-groin antics of lower-middle class Americans are accompanied by the hilarious commentaries of Bob Saget.

#3 The Dancing Queen

I know you're feeling loose and you're really getting into the music but when you hit the dance floor, you look like a complete jackwipe. The mess of uncoordinated seizures and flailing limbs makes me think I'm in a Kill Bill fight scene. You're not lighting up the dance floor, Travolta. You're embarassing yourself and your great aunt gertrude, who now has to get her pacemaker recalibrated when all she wanted to do was dance the macarena with her newly bar mitzvah-ed son, Saul.

#4 The Puker

Some people just haven't learnt about moderation and, at the site of booze, will open their throat hole like a Soviet hooker. These are the cockwads responsible for smelly alley ways and the occasional chunks that line the rim of the toilet at a house party. There's no kiddy table when alcohol is served. No one will tell you what you can and can't have. If you can't show a little self-discipline, maybe you should run along to Chuck E. Cheese's with a pocket full of quarters and leave the pints to the big boys.



#5 The Philosopher (aka Good Will Fronting)

Every now and then, when you're sitting at the bar with a few drinks, there will be one guy balbbing on about his views of society and religion. The worst part is that they think that, through his slurred and beer-soaked words, he thinks his words are a brief history of time. No words uttered after 5 Mooseheads will ever be of any value to anyone - ever. If you want to talk about how you like the AC Milan's new defence, that's fine. Anything else merits you a swift kick to the nuts.