How to Catch a Bluff

I play poker every now and then and I'll be the first to admit that I know very little about the game. I just barely know the rules and when it comes to calculating odds, I'm pretty much braindead. How is it that I manage to win all the time and you're losing all your money? Because I never play my own hand, I play everyone else's. Here's a quick way how you can be just like me and milk the bluffers and avoid the big hands. Eventually you'll know how to win at poker (this line, in case you didn't notice, is to hook google searchers).

Eye contact - A bluffer will make very little eye contact since, subconsciously, they feel bad about lying about their hands. When they're hesitant to look people in the eye and sometimes look at objects, that's you're first cue to start raising.

Hand position - When your opponent puts his hands together in front of him, it could be another indication that he's lying. His hands are subconsciously a protection for him since he's afraid that he might be caught.

Check frequency - Someone with pocket aces will only need to look at their hand once. You have to be pretty stupid to forget that you're holding pocket aces. People with shit hands will constantly look back to see if there's any possibility that they might have overseen a possibility. If your opponent looks at his hand 3 or more times, it's safe to say that his confidence is wavering.

Beer behaviour - When sitting around a table in your parents basement playing cards (like you usually do, the ultimate tell can be the beer. After your opponent checks his hand, watch closely what he does with his beer. If he immediately takes a sip and puts it down without hesitation, he's feeling pretty good about himself and you should back off. If, however, you notice that he holds his beer and doesn't drink from it right away or drinks and then fiddles with the label, it's apparent that he's worried about the hand he just saw. If you want to get him to fold out, now would be a good time to scare him off with a high bid.

Calculators - Some people are able to really work out the odds of the deck and can calculate their chances of winning. You should never mistake this for insecurity. Too many people will mistake the calculation for insecurity when, in reality, human calculator are more even more confident after their calculation pause. How can you tell if the hesitation isn't calculation? Once again, it depends on his check frequency. If he checks his cards often, he's not calculating, he's looking for any possible opening for his crappy hand.

If you don't have any friends, you can always play poker online at Full Tilt Poker. Their special offer now is their Full Tilt Poker referral code. I'm assuming this Full Tilt Bonus will let you spend even more money on poker. No matter what PokerStars Bonus Code you use, it doesn't compare to taking your friends money and using it to buy cookie dough ice cream and 2,000 chicken nuggets. It's important to remember that no method is concrete and will work all the time. The method you should be dying to find is one that works MOST of the time. As long as it works more often that it doesn't, you're turning a profit. I know I'll gamble responsibly, and I hope you will too...unless you play against me. In that case, have a bus pass on you because I'll be driving your car home, sucka. Lates

Lightbulbs Are Your Friend

I saw a commercial the other day (I'll post it here if I find it on YouTube). This commercial showed a girl telling her dad about choosing fluorescent light bulbs of incandescent ones. According to the narrator, she had learned this "green" technique from a "go green" representative that came to her school. Does it not strike anyone as the least bit suspicious that children are being indoctrinated with this mountain of shit we know as the green movement? There is still debate as to whether or not man's actions are the reason for climate change. It wasn't long ago that Hitler youth were brainwashed into believing the Nazi ideals. Now we're creating a new generation who is afraid of the world coming to an end and, in order to save the world, we have to invest in the green movement. I was convinced that brainwashing on such a large scale wouldn't happen again since people have learned their lesson since then, but I forgot how fucking blind Americans are. What else should I expect from a nation of which 20% of the population doesn't know that the earth revolves around the sun.

So I will continue to buy my non-green light fixtures and I won't listen to Al Gore, whose Nashville mansion consumes 10 times more electricity than the standard home. I'm going to buy the highest wattage chandeliers and ceiling light fixtures and you're going to continue spending a fortune on "energy-friendly" light bulbs. Do you know why? Because I don't believe everything a 2-minute commercial and a single, crappy "documentary" tells me. You, on the other hand, are a sheep. You'll go wherever you're herded will ultimately end up squeezed dry. The only way out of this grim fate is to hire me as your personal digital mentor and send me $5 a month via paypal. Could you really afford not to?

How Global Warming Conflicts With Your Religion

If you still believe in all this global warming bullshit, not only are you stupid but you're also a hypocrite. That's right; you're a turd sandwich and you didn't even know! It doesn't matter which philosophy you follow, it conflicts with the ridiculous notion of global warming. Here's why:

Jewish/Christian?

After the flood, G-d promised never to flood the earth: "I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of a flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth." (Genesis 9:11) So if you believe Al Gore's fantasy of the ice caps melting and flooding the world, you're saying that G-d went back on his word and are, therefore, going to hell, you sacrilegious bastard.

Atheist/Agnostic?

You either don't think there is a god or don't care. Whatever the case may be, you think the evidence pointing towards the existence of a higher being is sketchy and, in some cases, exaggerated. Right? Well the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), the panel of 2500 scientist that Al Gore loves to cite, contains many scientists who disagree with global warming all together. Also, the famous "hockey stick graph" that Al Gore uses has been shown to be false and uses fabricated numbers like a CO2 increase of 1% a year when it's really .5% That's a 100% margin of error. If you dismiss evidence of G-d as inconsistent and anecdotal, then you have absolutely no reason to believe global warming, you godless sucka.

Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Bobby Henderson emphasizes that correlation doesn't imply causality (not a revolutionary concept) by illustrating the correlation between global temperatures and the amount of pirates in the world. Your "religion" outrightly denounces global warming, so you're a total tool if you still believe in alarmist environmental theories.

Islamic?

Though Muslims are quite spread out, they are found mostly in the Arab penninsula and Northern Africa, where 90-100% of the population is Muslim. That being the case, climate change policy will disadvantage these countries the most. Arab countries rely heavily on oil for political leverage. African countries would very much like to develop their country by being able to exploit their coal resources. Unfortunately, global warming policy is trying to keep Africa "green." This means that they're forced to use solar energy instead of their cheap coal. The problem with that is no one can afford solar panels. Hospitals are forced to run without electricity because solar panels are out of reach. Ya, that's totally fair. The West can use coal in the industrial revolution to advance themselves, but not Islamic Africa.

Church of Heaven's Gate?

The earth's being recycled. Stop whining and kill yourself.

Satanist?

The first tenet of Satanism is to indulge rather than to abstain. You won't find Al Gore, with his global warming notions, wanting to have less laws and control over people. According to Al Gore, we've been very bad and now we have to abstain from many of life's pleasures. Not very Satanist if you ask me.

No matter what your religion, Al Gore is Satan....unless you're a Satanist. Then he's Jesus. Even if you believe in no god at all, Al Gore represents a contradiction in your philosophy. So know this: whoever you are and whatever you believe; you're a hypocritical douche if you believe in global warming. Peace out, fool.

How to Lie About (Almost) Anything

A lot of the "how to" guides on the internet are useful, but some aren't particularly fun. Lying can be thrilling if your dumb ass doesn't screw it up. Here are some rules to live by when it comes to fibbing.

Dumb it down - Try not to use big words when lying. If your sentences are structured in a sophisticated manner and your vocabulary is not your ordinary one, people will realize that your thinking extra hard about the exact words that are coming out of your mouth and will catch on to your farce.

Avoid/Maintain Eye Contact - Avoiding eye contact will show that your lying as you're trying to gather your thoughts and can't bear to look at the person to whom your lying. Alternatively, maintaining a strong and steady eye contact can screw you over just the same. A gaze (especially a suspicious one) is a very intense stimulus and puts added pressure on you when you're lying. So how does one avoid both problems? Stare at your victim between the eyes or, better yet, focus your gaze just above their left eye. People tend to look up and to the left when they're recalling a memory and up and to the right when they're construction one. This has to do with the hemispheres of the brain but I don't want to get into that.

Shut Up and Speak Up - Being too quiet and being too talkative are both signs of a liar. A quiet composure will make you seem like your trying to end the conversation as you realize that your stuck in a lie and can't make anything up. On the other hand, talking too much makes you seem like you're overcompensating and are trying to talk your way out of the lie (similar to buying your way out of a bluff in poker). To stay in the safe zone, be firm about your facts but don't over indulge.

For example this is a bad lie:
"Where did you go this weekend?"
"I hit up club Vatican"
"No you didn't. I was there and didn't see you."
"I left early because I was feeling sick from all the alcohol. I decided to call a cab before the party started"

This is a better one:
"Where did you go this weekend?"
"I hit up club Vatican"
"No you didn't. I was there and didn't see you."
"I left early because I was feeling sick"
"From what?"
"Too much alcohol"
"Who drove you then?"
"I called a cab before the party started and the streets got crowded up."

Even if you have a whole story made up, hold onto it. Letting the information go as it's asked gives the impression that the answers are impromptu and honest.

Hands off - The trickiest thing to control in a lie is your hands. Once you're conscious about your hand placement, you won't know where to put them. Crossing your arms creates a makeshift barrier and is a telltale sign of a liar. Touching the face is another big no-no. Instead, you could put them on your waist or relaxed to your sides. Always have them in full view. For those that know what to look for in a liar, the hand gestures can be an easy giveaway.

Pay Attention to Detail - Giving minute, insignificant details is a good way of convincing a person. If you show that you can retell such an anecdotal part of the story, then surely it must be real. Never leave the details open ended because you never know when a follow up question could be thrown your way and throw you off guard.

Watch for Traps - In cases when your victim thinks they have caught you in a lie, they will ask you to re-state a point you made earlier so that they may catch you in a clear cut lie. Be extremely careful, this could bust your whole act. Before repeating a statement already made, think about what they are asking and if they might be able to call you on it.

Trapped Example:

"You say you left the club at 8:30?"
"Ya"
"That's impossible, I was standing outside the club at 8:30"

Near Miss Example:
"You say you left the club at 8:30?"
"I think I did, I was too drunk to accurately guess the time"
"Ah, I see."

A person that has fully bought on to what you are saying will never re-ask a point that they have clearly understood. Don't mistake this for a nice recovery. You still screwed up and now you're just lessening the damage it causes. You're going to need to sound pretty convincing to win back their trust.

Hopefully, if you keep these ideas in mind, you should be able to survive this world full of weasels (of which you are now a part). Enjoy.

The Inconvenient Truth Isn’t So Truthful

It seems that I’m beginning to recover from the stress induced aneurisms with which I was overcome after having seen “An Inconvenient Truth.” Many people are jumping on the global warming bandwagon after having seen this film and I would like to present the flip side of this coin; even though it’s only towards a small population.

Let’s start with the poor, innocent polar bears we see in the movie. Mr. Gore claims that the melting ice in the Arctic is causing the bears to lose their hunting grounds and natural habitat. A recent study done by the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) has reported that the polar bear population is generally stable and, in some instances, increasing. To add more drama, the movie presents the ghastly fact that polar bears have been resorting to cannibalism. In case no one knew, polar bears have always resorted to cannibalism. It’s not uncommon for a male polar bear to find a youngin’ with its mother and make a quick meal of it. It’s not always easy standing by a whole and waiting for a seal to pop out.

It’s not a matter of rejecting the facts presented; rather, trying to see the whole picture. As an example of global warming, Gore takes the example of the European heat wave in 2003 that claimed several thousand lives. The little tidbit that wasn’t mentioned was that a very similar heat wave was also experienced in 1921 in France with the same “record highs”.

Another huge fear is that the Antarctic will melt and cause devastating floods, especially in Florida (oh no! where will we vacation?). The inconvenient truth that many were told is that the western part of the Antarctic is warming. The more convenient truth is that the eastern part, which is about ten times bigger, is cooling and getting thicker. A study released in 2003 shows that the East Antarctica has gained 45 billion tons of ice. Not as scary as previously thought.

One of the big terms thrown around was CO2 emissions. One of the major guilt factors is that we are creating carbon dioxide, a greenhouse gas, which is warming our planet. Al Gore even has a nifty little graph that shows a link between our temperature and the CO2 emissions. The graphs that you weren’t shown were those linking solar winds and sun spots to the CO2. Isn’t it a tad weird that Gore never mentioned that perhaps our planet is being warmed by the sun? Our sun’s cosmic ray patterns actually closely matched that of CO2 emission; leading many scientists to believe that our massive sun is probably the cause of this warming trend. Instead, the notion of manmade CO2 emissions is driven in with data going back some 360,000 years. This may seem impressive, but scientists have already gone back further and have discovered that CO2 emissions used to be twelve times greater than they are now and the average global temperature was two degrees cooler.

The general populous seem to think that the majority of scientists agree with this notion of global warming. Professor Bob Carter of the Marine Geophysical Laboratory at James Cook University said to the Canadian Free Press: “Gore's circumstantial arguments are so weak that they are pathetic. It is simply incredible that they, and his film, are commanding public attention.”

The decision is up to you. You have the choice to look deeper and continue researching the real facts. On the other hand, you can also continue believing Mr. Gore; whose Nashville mansion’s electricity consumption is more than twenty times the national average. Physician, heal thyself.