Brightstorm - almost as good as beating your teen

If there's one thing I can't stand it's a dumb teenager. Their parents consider driving their kids to hockey in an Escalade and buying them a Wii Fit as good parenting. Unfortunately, your job as a parent doesn't end just because Timmy's sugar rush died down and he's not smoking pot yet. It's your job to make your kid the smartest in the class. Unless you live in community-oriented semi-communist tribe, the world is highly competitive and, in order to be successful, your kid needs to every advantage he/she can get. I've seen too many of my classmates in high school flunk certain key classes and it ruined, what would have been, a very promising program in college. That's why you have to start now. There's an site called Brightstorm. It's a full video tutorial system that'll help your flunking teen with all the high school subjects of your choice. It's relatively inexpensive ($49 per course) and, in my opinion, totally worth it. Even now, I'm searching YouTube if they just might have the topic with which I'm having trouble. With Brightstorm there's no risk. Just sit your teen in front of the comp and for half an hour, instead of looking up porn, you kid will learn geometry from a teacher who was born this century, using dynamic illustrations that are much better than the usual drilling and grilling from the textbook.

Breakfast Cereals Are Destroying Society

I've always asked myself why there are so many punk kids today who think it's ok to become stoned slackers who talk back to their elders. When I was a kid, giving your mom lip (or any adult, for that matter) merits you a smack with a wooden sandal or plastic coat hanger. Now you'll have little Johnny McBratson flipping his mom the bird as he continues to play with his fake friends on Xbox live. Where did this behaviour come from? (other than your shitty-ass parenting) Breakfast cereals. That's right, breakfast cereals are responsible for corrupting today's youth and turning them into the rebellious little foreskins they are today. Lets have a look at some cereals and I'll show you how they're a menace to society.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC)

Every CTC commercial follows the same template. The dialogue is between a teen and an adult:
"Hey Murray, do you know why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?"
"It's got fructose which is highly addictive"
"No, lame-brain, it's got cinnamon swirls on every bite!"
Who the fuck are you to think you know so much about cereal, punk? Do you think you know better than someone who's more than twice your age? You're nowhere near as smart or as witty as you think you are. I hope the "cinnamon sugar" rots your teeth to a paste, you disrespectful dingleberry.

Trix

Day after day, I see this poor rabbit try to get his fix of a balanced breakfast. Day after day, he's met with the same response: "Silly, Rabbit. Trix are for kids." That's good sharing, Johnny PeePants. Even when the rabbit gets his own Trix cereal, these snot-nosed punks pop out of a bush and steal his cereal. I can't wait for the Trix rabbit to partner up with the killer bunny from Montey Python: "Silly, rabbit. Trix ar...GYYYAAAHHHH" *bunny rips out jugular*

Apple Jacks

Every commercial, an adult will remind a group of long-haired, pseudo-rebellious kids that their cereal doesn't even taste like apples. The kids brush him off and say that they eat what they like. Essentially what their saying is that they'll fall for any simple marketing ploy. I doubt those Menudo rejects would scarf down that shit if they found out it was really just sugar and wheat by-products.

Cocoa Puffs/Sugar Crisp/Corn Pops

I decided to group these four together because they all allude to the same social problem. Whenever I hear any of their catch phrases, I can't help but be reminded of a cocaine addict. I'll be honest, I like cereal; it's pretty healthy, it's satisfying and it doesn't take long to make. However, a lack of cereal will never cause me to go "cuckoo" nor will I break out into sweat since "I've gotta have my pops." If your sugar/crack addicted kids try to come near my kids, I'll gun them down before they get within 10 yards. No kid of mine will turn into a puffed wheat peddler.

Cap'n Crunch

Cap'n Crunch commercials always start with a bunch of kids being treated unfairly by an adult. Mr. Crunch then shows up and transports them to a colorful world of berries. Now tell me how exactly this isn't exactly like a bunch of slacker popping some LSD to escape the drudgery of a mundane life? Here's a newsflash for you, Paul McCartney Jr., escaping reality won't help you with your problems. Quit poppin' crunch berries, get yourself a job and stop leeching off society.

10 Things People Do On Facebook That Piss Me Off

Just like millions of other people, I've joined Facebook. I'll admit that I enjoy keeping in touch with friends whom I'd otherwise lose touch. As much as I enjoy it, there's still a bunch of stupid shit people do on Facebook that always manages to get under my skin and take a dump on my brain. Here's a bunch of shit that people do on Facebook that merits them a merciless bludgeoning.

#1 Phallic Symbols
Nothing says "I have a small penis and low self-esteem" like someone who decides to post a picture of himself with any kind of firearm. Don't assume that posting a picture of you with an M-16 without a caption makes you casual about the whole idea. You still might as well be a 9-year-old running to his schoolyard chums yelling "Guys, guys! I got to hold I gun! I feel so cool now." Unless you used that gun for anything other than a 1 time target practice on your Uncle Buck's incestuous ranch, posting that picture makes you a poser. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go to your room.

#2 Phake Photoshop
Congratulations, you've installed a program that takes up approximately 600 Mb of hard drive space just so you can play with a few color filters. Do you think upping the contrast and applying a Gaussian blur to a picture of you and your friends makes you a graphic designer? It doesn't. It just makes you look like a pretentious douche. If your total history is under 15 actions, you've done dick all to your picture. You're only bastardizing Photoshop by using it solely to neon glow and emboss your pictures....ass.

#3 Irrelevant Status
The "status" feature on Facebook was created to let your friends know what you're doing or where you are. For example, you could be "busy studying" or "finally on vacation". This feature wasn't designed so you can showcase your favorite downloaded, generic emo quote of the day. If I wanted to see your favorite quote, I would take the time to scroll down to "favorite quotes." Do you make a habit out of placing shit where it doesn't belong? If I invite you over, will you take a crap on my lamp?

#4 Philosophy minute
When Facebook asks you your religion, it's to give you the possibility to network with people of the same belief. No one asked you to write a pseudo-witty phrase regarding your atheist (or other) views on religion. Simply writing that you're an atheist is acceptable. You won't see religious people writing "I'm Jewish, and you're a fucking tool if you're not." Pasting a Nietzsche or Pritchard quote to exemplify your world views doesn't make you an intellectual; it just makes you a pompous dickhead.

#5 Facebook Pimps
When your marital status is "in a relationship" people can assume by themselves that you and your partner kiss occasionally. Posting pictures of your pre-pubescent make out sessions isn't something your online peers enjoy. Yes, occasionally your girl friends will post a comment like "aw, cutest couple ever" but the other 99% of the Facebook population is either trying not to yak on their keyboards or are pissing their pants at the thought of how sexually insecure you are. You two aren't "cute" or "adorable." You're pathetic. Social networks and softcore porn should never be confused.

#6 Group Petitions
Every now and then I get an invite to group that needs X amount of people to accomplish a task. "If 550 people join, Jimmy will buy a bottle of Skyy on Saturday" "100 people to get Britney Henderson on Facebook." If Britney doesn't have time to waste on Facebook, that's her prerogative. Leave Britney alone! She's a human! Of all the causes in this world to which you could donate your time, getting someone to accomplish an ultimately useless task isn't the most crucial. Not only did you waste your own time by creating the group, but you've also wasted my time when I have to click "Reject Invitation."...you bastard.

#7 Forced compliments
Occasionally, some totally ugly chick will post some photos of herself dressed up for a special event. Immediately, her girlfriends will begin to swarm the photo with their generous yet generic compliments: "OMG, Stacey. Ur gorg!","So hot! Luv ya." We all know you really mean: "Wow, you're a lot less fugly in this pic than you usually are." You're not fooling anyone. Just because someone has their hair and makeup done, doesn't mean they're Tara Reid. Sometimes I feel like I've stumbled on some ancient girl pact to always compliment each other's beauty despite...each other's beauty. You'll never catch any guys rushing to post fake praise on each other's prom pictures. Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. You people make me sick.

#8 Clubbing Shots
No, I'm not talking about the, ordinarily funny, seal clubbing pictures. I'm talking about people who feel the urge to take a picture of themselves on a crowded dance floor drinking from a $20 bottle of vodka that cost them $110. What's running through your mind when you're taking this picture? "I'm gonna put this picture up on Facebook and everyone will know that I tear it up on weekends." Unfortunately, you just look like a putz who has to prove himself to people who will only have a 1.5 second glance at each picture. Congratulations, baller, you're officially a turd sandwich.

#9 Applications
Thanks to Facebook making their source code publicly available, millions of people can now piss the shit out of one another with a barrage of useless applications. In a network that was once devoted purely to online communication between classmates, people can now waste hours filling out surveys and having a JavaScript application telling them what kind of person they are. The worst part is that all this stupid shit gets flaunted on the profile page, which then turns into a MySpace page. "Look! My Sex in the City IQ is 138!" Good for you. Now end your life.

#10 Useless Arguments
Once upon a time, when people had an important political message they'd want to convey to the public, they'd take to the streets with a passion. Now any shitbreak with 15 minutes will just create a political group with a few government-bashing pictures and consider himself a revolutionary. The worst part of all this is that it leads to heated arguments. What the fuck are you wasting so much time arguing for? Firstly, you won't end up convincing the other side. Secondly, you won't gather an audience since no one cares enough to read through your heat-of-the-moment typos and nonsense. Thirdly, in a matter of days it'll be a part of an archive and no one will ever see your 45 minutes of writing ever again. No one will refer back to your arguments or quote you. You might has well have sat on your ass and watched midget porn. At least that makes for an interesting story.

That last image might not be to everyone's taste, but such is life. I know it'll get some guilty chuckles. That's a wrap for this list. Wow, that took a while to write. I know everyone reading this has committed at least one of the aforementioned sins. Your god(s) hate(s) you for it and so do I.

The Spears Family Tradition Continues: Oops They Did it Again.

So it was recently published that Britney Spear's sister, Jamie Lynn Spears, is pregnant. The kicker is that she's 16 and the "father" (we don't know yet) is 19. Jamie's ecstatic but there's a wee lil' problem: that's statutory rape. How does this shit make the news? Redneck families from Louisiana are popping out babies by the dozen, but because she was in a few 2-bit shows and B-movies and of course is related to Britney, this makes CNN and MSNBC. The best part is, the mother of these two girls just wrote a book about parenting. Apparently the book is on hold now (coincidence?). Feel free to answer me on this one...who the fuck will buy a parenting book written by a woman who raised one daughter that hates her and lost custody of her children (we all know the many reasons) and another daughter that is pregnant at the age of 16? Maybe they weren't informed that a grocery bag from the local Piggly-Wiggly isn't an adequate form of contraception. It baffles me how they aren't ashamed of their dysfunctional family. Even Chris Crocker (the "Leave Britney Alone" activist) can't defend the Spears name on this one. This is just a case of social mobility gone wrong. Continuing in my tradition of fucking with people blindly searching up keywords in google: there are no pictures of britney spears or videos, nor are there any pictures of the pregnant Jamie Lynn Spears here. Hehe, idiots. Lates.

Say cheese...or not

When taking pictures with people, it's inevitable that someone will whip out the stupid kissy face. I prefer to smile for my photos and not look mentally handicapped for 1/500th of a second. After much pondering, I think I found some good reasons as to why so many people seem to be drawn to this making this face.

• The cheeks become sucked in and the face gets a slimmer appearance.
• The tongue is forced to the top of the mouth causing more streamline neck and less double chins
• The the contraction of muscles around the mouth cause the muscles around the eyes to loosen up and attract more attention to the eye. Studies show that the eyes are the first thing a guy looks at on a woman (suprising, huh?)
• Bad teeth are hidden without looking silly...well...without looking silly in a socially unacceptable way. I still think this face looks stupid
• The lips are instantly given a fuller appearance. Bigger lips are more attractive (i.e. collagen implants)

I don't think we'll be seeing the end of the kissy face epidemic anytime soon. This wildfire is only beginning to catch on. You'd think someone would see a picture of themselves like this and think "wow, I look retarded." Rather, people see it an say to themselves "omg, facebook pic!" You make me sick you fat sacks of crap.