Smiling: The second best thing you can do with your lips

One crucial piece of equipment necessary in getting your way is a simple smile. It seems a bit too naive, but a good smile gets you better service at restaurants, gets you noticed at parties, or even prevent a fight. When an animal shows its teeth in the wild, it either means it's prepared to fight (in the case of wolves) or it's afraid and submitting (apes). In the case of modern man, it's actually a mixture of both.In the battlefield that is our social playground, your smile is your trusty field knife. It's always handy for something if you can use it properly.

Dropping defence

When you first engage in a conversation with another human, it's important to greet with a smile. If you go from your default idle face to a smile, your subject suddenly feels a lot less intimidated by you and the likelyhood of a hostile interaction is greatly reduced. When people have their defences down, in this sense, they are more likely to take orders from you and are less likely to impede your progress. After your initial smile, don't hold the dumb grin on your face. Holding a smile  let's everyone around you know that you feel awkward and nervous and the smile loses its potency.

Greasing the Gears

“If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work”

-George Carlin

In situations where you might be asking an individual to go beyond his requirement of self-preservation, it's necessary to confuse them somewhat in order to increase the likelihood of them agreeing with your request. To do this, first look at your target in the eye. This initial look is intimidating and, to an extent, flusters the mind and prevents proper focus. The next step is to, without breaking eye contact, flash those pearly whites. This gives your confused subject a comforting feeling and a general good impression of what you're saying. Not only is your subject partially impaired from thinking about your statement in a fully rational and critical sense but, thanks  to your sparkly grin, he's also given a positive emotion about the conversation before he can fully understand it. When used properly, there's no limit to what the smile-gaze combo will get you.

Arming yourself the Teeth

Keeping your smile potent is extremely important if you want to yield maximum results. There are some basic guidelines to maintaining an effective and appealing smile.

Always have a chapstick on hand - You'd be surprised how often you use a chapstick when it's on hand. Cracky, bleeding lips won't charm a donkey

Use a good toothpaste - Toothpaste is something you definitely don't want to be penny pinching. The difference between a crappy toothpaste and a good quality one is a couple of bucks but the difference is astronomical. Look around for the shiniest, most futuristic looking package. That one with the little whitening strips in the paste is just tits. Leave an extra tube of toothpaste and toothbrush in the shower. If you're doing something that requires fresh smelling arm pits, it's guaranteed to also require fresh breath.

Floss Picks - Starchy foods tend to get stuck in your molars and between your teeth. In case you weren't aware, decomposing food has a nasty habit of smelling like shit. Having some of those floss/pick hybrids in the car will help you pick some of the smile-comprimising fecal matter out from between your teeth when you have a free moment.

Diffusing a Bomb

Should you find yourself in a hostile encounter, a smile can be the difference between a pleasant pat on the back or a boot up the arse. When a hostile situation is in the making, beguiling the sad fancy into smiles and pointing out the absurdities of the situation will, most likely stop a guy from needing to show off his manly skills and throw you a 1,2 knockout. I'll write about body language for avoiding the fight, but for now we're discussing the smile only. The most important part of this smile is actually your eyes. The difference between a face smile and a real smile is that, in a real smile, the muscles around you eyes (orbicularis oculi) contract. This is what squints your eyes. Why do you need to know this? Eye gaze is a very intimidating and palpable thing. Squinting your eyes to reduce this reduces the intimidation factor and decreases the odds of the first punch being thrown your way. In return, it also hides your eyes from signalling when and were you will be punching, should you decide to do so.

“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

-Greta Garbo

 

How To Get A Raise Or Promotion

It's no secret; you want money. People that say money doesn't lead to happiness are full of shit. You'd be much happier if you saw some better digits on your check. Here's some tips I've gathered about how to get that raise or promotion.

Firstly, you must prepare yourself before meeting with the boss. A good general will flank his problem from any side possible (well, maybe not, but screw you for ruining the analogy).

Flower Power - If it's acceptable in your workplace, bring in a plant of potted flower to put on your desk. This not only gives off a warmer and more personal vibe, but it also shows that you actually care about your workplace. It shows that your work is something in which you take pride. I wouldn't recommend this for straight men because...well you'll look stupid.

Clean your desk - I don't give a shit about what any cute phrases have to say about messy desks. If your desk is messy, it means you're having trouble staying on top of things. If you're aiming for a promotion, that will most probably require more responsibility, you're going to want to show you can handle the challenge.

Be on top of your work - Any open work that has been left undone has to be finished. The last thing you need when you're asking for a raise or promotion is for your boss to ask about your procrastinated task and, like an embarrassed putz, you'll have to make up an excuse as to why you haven't gotten around to getting your job done.

Dress for Success - If you didn't already know, the golden rule of clothing in the workplace, here it is: "dress for the job you want, not for the job you have." If you want to convince people that you can handle the job, you have to help them picture you in that position. This means that, even if you can get away with sweatshirt and jeans on some days, you should make the effort to still dress nicely. Dressing like a big shot will get people used to the idea that you are some sort of big deal. We were all told by our mother's that clothes don't make the person, but mommy never said that clothes don't make a good impression of the person.

In a perfect work environment, your boss would fully recognize your efforts and reward you justly. Unfortunately, we don't live in this land of omniscient bosses and one sometimes has to take what he wants. Here's what you do and don't do to ask for a raise or promotion.

Clean yourself up - I don't know what this means for women, but I can help the guys. Here's some invaluable tips to make you look like a million bucks. Your boss will subconsciously form a general idea of you and your history based on how you currently look.

Save the waterworks - Never try to gain any leverage by saying you need the money for a hospital bill or your new child or to pay your rent. Your boss doesn't need to hear your sob story. You're asking for a reward for your hard work and an incentive to continue pushing yourself in the company. This isn't a charity donation and any hint of self-pity will get you nowhere.

Be "you" heavy - Everyone has 1 favorite person in the world; one person that they always care for. That person is themselves. People like it when the topic of conversation is them. This means you should watch your phrasing. Instead of saying "I think I deserve a raise/promotion" say "wouldn't you agree that I deserve a promotion?" Not only does this tell the boss that the topic of thought is his own decision on whether or not to give a promotion, but it also saves him a lot of mental. When you say "I deserve a promotion" the boss thinks to himself "he wants a promotion, do I think he deserves a promotion?" When you ask "wouldn't you agree that I deserve a promotion?, however, the first step in his though process is cut out and is able to immediately think "do I think he deserves a promotion/raise?" Making the metal task easier will likely raise your chance of getting a positive response. This theory comes from the book "How to Talk to Anyone" by Leil Lowndes

Confident in every sense - It's important to give of the impression that you're confident that you deserve this raise/promotion and your not afraid to ask. This means that you can ask as directly as you want, but if you start fidgeting or looking away, you're screaming out "I'm extremely unsure about this!" This means that, firstly, you won't let your eyes stray past his shoulders. Secondly, your hands are to be at your side, never to be crossed in front of you (means your hiding something) and absolutely NEVER anywhere near your face. Putting you hand near your face will not only cause your speech to be less clear, but it also gives off the impression that you're desperately trying to hide behind someone. It would be wise to practice all these rules at first so you don't panic and make a fool of yourself in the actual meeting.

Sticking to these pretty basic guidelines may not guarantee you the promotion or raise, but you're absolutely better off following these steps. Regardless of the outcome, this was not an "act" that's over. You should adopt these habits because they're likely to help you again further down the road. Should you happen to get a raise, I think it's only fair that you send me a thank you card along with $5 via paypal to show your gratitude.

For more reading on the subject, you should check out:

http://www.quintcareers.com/get_a_raise.html

http://www.blogpinker.com/news-blog/news/dos-when-you-asking-for-a-raise.html

http://www.spherioncareerblog.com/hot_topics/how_to_ask_for_a_raise.php

How to Slack Off at the Office

Many people find themselves stuck in an 8:30 to 5 routine. Day after day they are forced to sit in front of a monitor and monotonously type away. For those about to explode, I have a series of tips to regain your sanity with sneaky ways of taking a little bit of a break.

Camouflaged News - Let's say you want reading your favorite news feed. It's pretty clear that the boss won't be happy if walks by and glances at your screen only to find CNN open. Instead, copy the text of the article into a MS Word file with the company letter head. This way, you can engage your concentration into the story while looking like your focused on proof reading some work.

Double Up Explorer - It's inevitable that someone will pass by while you're aimlessly surfing the net at work. However, when you rush to minimize the IE window, you might not notice that the title can still be seen on the taskbar. To avoid potential embarrassment, open up a second internet window. If you have enough windows open, Windows XP will group the IE windows together and will hide the individual titles. If dealing with Firefox, open a tab with a more business related tab. Befor you minimize, click the work tab and the more appropriate title will be displayed.

Cover Your Tracks - The most important thing you should remember is to cover your tracks. This means open your internet options and clear the history, cookies and temporary files. It's all too easy for your boss to check up on your leisure surfing when you history is left intact.

Be Clairvoyant - If you hear someone coming, close your window and start doing something right away. This may sound obvious but you'd be surprised at how many people will wait until they know that the passerby in coming to them before they'll close their widows. Suddenly starting a new task when someone comes in is highly suspicious. Instead, start holding a paper in each hand. Holding 1 paper makes you look like you just picked it up to look busy. By holding two papers, you appear to be actively comparing them.

Be Colorblind - Webpages with colors and pictures immediately attract attention. Professional slackers might disable pictures from their browsers in the advanced internet settings.

Office Sprints - If you're reading this then you're probably already a slacker. If I just hit then nail on the head, the remember to never walk slowly and look around as you walk through the office. Even, when going to talk to someone, try to look busy and focused on the way. Should the boss real want an update, he'll jot 1 sentence at you and expect a quick answer on the go. Should you dilly dally, the boss will see you have very little important tasks and engage you in a conversation about your progress and guage your productivity.

Screens Saver Life Saver - If your destop is so overrun with windows that you simply can't hide, keep your display settings open. When an intruder enters the room, click the "preview" button on your screensaver then dive into your paperwork. This will make it look like you've been doing that task for at least 5 minutes now and haven't touched your computer.

Alt+Tab - For those that don't already know, pressing alt+tab will scroll you to the next window. This is an easy way of switching back to an appropriate screen without an obvious rushed mouse click. Alternatively, Alt+F4 will close the current window.

That's all for now folks. Keep up the good work...or lack thereof.