Top 10 Breakup Songs

So you've called it off with your sweetheart and you're generally down in the dumps. You just can't bring yourself to listen to the hip-hop or rap you used to. You're not feeling G or like dancing at a club. You just feel like boiled shit and you want your music to acknowledge how you're feeling. I've been there too, champ. It bones. Being the nice guy I am, the following is 10 songs you might enjoy listening to now.

I Hate You – Sick Puppies

There’s not much to explain about this song. It’s sometimes just a cathartic release to keep saying “I hate you.”

Quotable line: “I know you think you hate me but I will always hate you more.”

I Hate Everything About You – Three Day’s Grace

It’s weird suddenly hating someone you’ve loved for so long. It’s a mix of emotions that makes the next few days and weeks a roller coaster of emotions.

Quotable line: “All the feelings that I get, but I still don’t miss you yet”

Just – Radiohead

At a certain point, enough is enough. You have to get up, brush off the dust and get back into the game. After a while, she’s out of the equation and the only reason your down in the dumps is that you’re so full of self-pity that it cripples you. You do it to yourself.

Quotable line: “You do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts”

Song for the Dumped – Ben Folds Five

Here’s another song that doesn’t need explanation. It’s a little lighter and upbeat…but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a bitch.

Quotable line: “So you wanted to take a break, slow down and have some space…well fuck you too”

Tearing Away – Drowning Pool

At the end of the day, you’re the only one who matters. If someone can’t help you make money or feel good about yourself, they’re useless to you and don’t merit your attention.

Quotable line: “I don’t care about anyone else but me.”

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing – Jack Johnson

Sometimes the best guys get paired up with the shittiest types of girls. You try to make it work and you bend over backwards for her, but she can’t appreciate it and never changes or commits. There are better people for you to devote your time.

Quotable line: “I can’t always be waiting on you.”

Only – Nine Inch Nails

Infatuation causes us to see what we want to see and not what’s really there. You try so hard to convince yourself that your girl is great but eventually you come to grips that she’s actually a waste of tampons and all her positive features are just figments of your imagination. Sorry about the attached video. I’m not big on the fan-made videos but this is the only uncensored version I found on YouTube and, I’m sorry, but the line “There is no fucking you” was just too crucial. A silence just adds an annoying pause and implies an unfitting inhibition.

Quotable line: “…you were never really real. I just made you up to hurt myself”

The Pot – Tool

The title, in my opinion, has a double meaning. Firstly, it’s based around the expression “the pot calling the kettle black”, whereas “the pot” represents an annoying hypocrite. Secondly, with all the marijuana references in the song, “the pot” can also be the drug abuse that would explain a person running their mouth with contradicting hypocritical bullshit. After an argument, you think back to all the stupid shit she said and how her actions blatantly contradict them. Ignorant bitch.

Quotable line: “Foot in mouth and head up ass-hole. Whatcha talkin' 'bout?”

Friend is a Four Letter Word – Cake

“Four letter word” is an expression that means a swear word. Most swears tend to be four letters (shit, piss, fuck, cunt, dick, tits). Sometimes the offer to be friends is so much of an insult that “friend” might as well be a four-letter word.

Quotable line: “I'm really only praying that the words you'll soon be saying might betray the way you feel about me.

Whiskey Hangover – Godsmack

Sometimes that breakup just throws you into that self-destructive downward spiral. Fuck off, it happens to the best of us. You go ahead and grow that stubble, loosen the tie and have a gritty conversation with Mr. Jack D.

Quotable line: “so what if i never wanna be sober? So what if i wanna be numb all the time?

Honorable Mentions:

Save Yourself - Stabbing Westward
Saviour - Rise Against
Peices - Sum 41
Dry Your Eyes - The Streets

Goodnight, Goodnight - Hot Hot Heat (thanks sis!)

So there you have it - ten songs to help you with a breakup. For better or for worse, everything passes. I hope some of these tunes help you out. Be good.

Phrases I Will Always Hate

"I grew up with X older brothers"

This is something girls will say to prove to a guy they're tough. It's pretty much the female equivalent of "I grew up on the streets, yo" Since they've been hardened through years of sibling rivalry, now they can take on any guy's gestures and even physical aggression, to an extent. News flash, your brothers aren't an accurate representation of the guys you'll run into on the streets. Your brothers essentially protect you and, unless you live in Idaho, aren't looking to fuck you at any chance they get. Just because you come from a jock family and you wear a 

sports bra 24/7, doesn't mean you've in any way proven yourself to be tough.

"Guess what!"

A lamer segway into a 20-minute monologue about yourself couldn't be uttered. I'm obviously not going to "guess what." There are an infinite number of things that could've happened to you in your meaningless life and you clearly don't intend on waiting as I go through the long list of things that I couldn't care less about (got a new bf, broke up with a bf, what you ate, who you saw, what your bowel movements look like). One thing that always bugs me is that, like the naive (yet attractive), stud I am, I always think that there's a chance that the "what" of which I'm guessing has to do with me. I think to myself "maybe today, by some fluke, this affects me in some way." Unfortunately, I get disappointed each time and my hate for the line grows deeper. My punishment - watching you flap your sausage lips, for what feels like an eternity, about something that interests me less than One Tree Hill, lacrosse, wooden dowels, Orlando Bloom, etc. etc.

"X nights ago, I had like Y shots of tequila"

Of all the pathetic attempts to impress me with something, this has to be the worst and most generic of all. It's funny, it's not only guys that will say this. I once thought it was all about being macho, but chicks will also try to impress with their alcohol tolerance. You walk a fine line when you tell me about how many shots you can take. If you tell me a number between 1-9, I won't be impressed. If you tell me a number that's 10 or greater, I won't believe you. The mathematicians reading this will quickly notice that there's no number that would actually merit a favorable response from me. That's because, no matter what you say, I'll think your a dipshit for even wasting my time with something I care so little about.

"I don't drink (insert alcohol type) anymore."..."Not after last time..." OR "It doesn't agree with me..."

What possible benefit could be derived from that? I assume you're, once again, trying to segway into a lame story about yourself at some other party which I care nothing about. Not only will your story make me want to take a bullet OUT of a gun and force it through your temple, but it'll most probably deter me from ever offering you a drink since you have a history of going overboard and you have an irritating tendency of repeatedly bringing it up.

Any alcohol you insert into the blank will label you as a tool except one - vodka. Telling people that you can't drink vodka labels you as a completely useless waste of space and air. Why? Because unlike alcohols like brandy, rum, whiskey, etc. vodka is completely flavorless. It's pure alcohol cut with water. The finer a vodka is, the less impurities it contains. So in essence, what you're saying is you can't drink alcohol. Period. If you something more ignorant could be said in a bar, I'm curious to know what. Until such time, you deserve a swift knee to the groin every day for being the village idiot.

"What do you bench?"

I challenge anyone to find a better way of saying "I'm a huge douche and know nothing about weight lifting" in 4 words or less. Since when has a person's bench pressing capacity demonstrated their strength or fitness savvy in any way? If you don't have enough knowledge to make small talk about exercise - don't. Stick to what you know. Do you see me asking you how much horsepower your cup holder has? If you should happen to be naturally gifted with a McConaughy-like physique, opening your mouth with such a stupid statement deflates any credibility you might've had in the fitness realm and immediately thrusts you into the brain dead jock category.

Sorry to Disappoint: Christmas is Pagan...lolz

It's Christmas day! Let's wake mom and dad up into a hangover and run our urine soaked PJs down the stairs to open our Playstations, Wiis and other battery operated sexual devices! What better time to write a Christmas article than Christmas day? Families are gathering together around the fireplace and following rituals which they know nothing about. I'm not trying to make enemies with this article, but the fact of the matter is, many of the Christmas traditions aren't accurate and most aren't even Christian. Ironic, huh? So with a jug full of jolly egg nog, lets jet through the fallacies of this yule tide spirit.

Jesus wasn't born in December
Despite the popular notion of Jesus being born in a manger in December, Jesus was more likely born sometime between April and October. "Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields,keeping watch over their flock by night" (Luke 2:8). The flocks weren't out in the field at night during the winter months; it was too cold. Nowhere does the New Testament hint towards Jesus being born in the winter.

Why December 25th?

The Christian religion never celebrates a popular figure's birth, only their death. So why the popularization of December 25th as the celebration as Christ's birth? It just so happens that, Saturnalia, a Roman celebration worshiping Saturn, occurs in December. The Church, trying to find a way to be accepted by the Pagans around them, decided to also create a celebration in the middle of the winter. The result of this assimilation is the Christmas we know today. According to Persian Pagans, December 25th marks the birth of Mithra, the sun god. His birth would bring light to the dark days of the winter solstice. It was only until the 4th century that the Christian Church announced that, despite what's clearly written in the bible, Jesus' birthday falls on the same day as Mithra's.

Yule log

The term "yule" comes from the Norse god of fertility "Jule." The heartwarming tradition of gathering around the fireplace is based on a Scandinavian Norse/Pagan winter solstice ritual. This involves burning a large tree trunk for 12 days (hence the 12 days of Christmas). The log is a phallic symbol. Over the course of the 12 days, people an animals are burnt as an offering to Saturn. That's one practice I follow, however; I sacrifice many virgins on my yule log - HIGH FIVE!

Christmas Tree

The Christmas tree, like the yule log, is a phallic/fertility symbol. Pagans saw trees as sacred and bringing them into the home brought their holiness into your household. Once chopped and brought into the house, the tree was worshipped as an idol. Now here's the kicker - a few lines from the old testament: "Thus said the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them: For the customs of the people are vain: for one cuts a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the ax: They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not....Be not afraid of them; for they cannot do evil, neither also is it in them to do good." (Jeremiah 10:2-5) how creepy is that? Even the Bible warns against the Christmas tree tradition.

Santa Claus

Santa Claus is a composition of several sources, mainly the following:

Odin - The pagan thunder god. He flew over the cities and decided who would live and who would die

St. Nicholas - The patron saint of sailors, prostitutes, children, merchants, the falsely accused, pawnbrokers and repentant thieves. He was said to have captured the devil and used the devil as his hired muscle. If the child was good, they'd receive presents, otherwise, they'd get whips. Ah, those were the good ol' days. No such thing as a spoiled brat getting his Xbox 360. If you were bad, you got flogging that scarred your ass back into shape.

The writings of Clement Clark Moore eventually made the image of Santa that we know today. The devil became the reindeer we know today and any religious connotations were erased.

The Puritans who came to the New World sought to rid themselves of Christmas as we know it. They wanted to create a society based purely on Christian traditions, free of Pagan influence. Instead, Christians chose to celebrate Christmas, holiday based almost purely on Pagan traditions and whose Christian roots are slim. I'm sorry to have taken away from your most holy of times...but it's really not your holy time. Nothing happened in December. I'm not refuting Christianity as a religion, simply pointing out a fallacy that's been perpetuated for about 1700 years now.

The part that pulls my pubes about all this is that children are blatantly lied to about Santa Claus. Eventually, all kids grow up and learn that Santa is a myth and their parents don't even know where he came from. All mommy and daddy know is that their parents lied to them in just the same way. So has it been for generations. Now who's the real Grinch?

So when it all boils down, there's absolutely no reason to flood my radio with crappy gospel music, no reason to bring candy cane flavored coffee to my cafe, no reason to interrupt my morning cartoon rituals with play doh Christmas animations and no reason to contribute to deforestation just so you can bring a large mock penis into your living room. If you're so eager to have a sex symbol in your house, I'm free weekends after 3.

Shame On You Bob

In a previous post, I mentioned that Bob Saget's commentaries were hilarious. It was clearly to be absurd since no one actually likes the stupid commentaries. I had remembered that Bob Saget is still doing stand up so I decided to YouTube some of his routines. What I saw tore me apart. His routine had to be some of the stupidest, uninspired shit I've ever seen in my life. I don't mind when comedians are vulgar; it's like adding tobasco sauce to chili - it makes it better and my leathery man mouth enjoys the challenge. Bob Saget's routine, however, is like swallowing a spoonful of tobasco without chili - it's totally pointless and reserved for frat boys between beer bong hits. So if you're reading this Bob Saget, and I'm sure you are, I demand an apology e-mail for you sucking. Your 2 second cameo from Half-Baked cannot be stretched out into a whole stand up routine!

Kids Are Violent Because Cartoons Aren't

I recently woke up early enough to catch some Saturday morning cartoons. So I get a bowl of chocolate coated sugar bomb cereal and I turn on cartoon network to what I thought would be the kick-ass line up I remember. Instead, what I get is a bunch of watered down, modern-retro stylized, clichéd crap. I keep flipping hoping to find something good. Instead I find Jimmy Neutron, Fairly Oddparents and Johnny Test. Once upon a time, I'd flip on the tube and see Wolverine sticking his badass adamantium claws into a sentinel. Now all I get is the wacky adventures of a 9-year old boy who's still learning about moderation, friendship and why his pubes haven't come in yet.
What's even worse is that kids are more violent today than ever before. Kids will always crave violence. If cartoons don't have enough balls for them, they'll just flip on the Xbox and play something that involves some sort of dismemberment and is 10x more violent than any ABC cartoon will ever be. A few years ago, the only violence video games suggested was jumping on turtles in attempt to have them hurled towards your opponents at breakneck speeds. I hope you parents are happy. Hoorah, cartoons suck and your kids are serial killers in the making. But what does that matter? You don't pay attention to what your kids watch anyways. All you know is that the cartoons are sugary enough to cause diabetes and if your youngin' acts up, you'll pop enough Ritalin in him to sedate a small rhino.
I think everything started going downhill when Pokemon became popular. When I watched an anime, it was Dragonball Z and that was just tits. Aliens from different planets blowing each other away with laser beams that shot out of their hands. Pokemon reduced these testosterone driven battle royals to two beanie babies going at it until one falls to the ground with swirly eyes.
I say we should put the balls back into the early morning cartoons and pry the video games away from your kids. Sounds crazy? Consider this, your kid will be waking up earlier and, as result, going to sleep sooner. He'll be eating his cereal early in the morning and get his metabolism running right away. Unlike video games, cartoons have breaks every 7 minutes so your kid won't be in a coma-like state for 2 hours at a time. At around 12 o'clock, the shows get crappy and your kids will look for something more interesting, to do. That's when you hand the little free-loader a rake and have him pay his keep. The power is yours.... sucka.

Manswers - For Ass By Ass

So I just saw the show "Manswers." If you want to know what I'm ranting about before I start, you can see full episodes of the show here (it's all legal, don't worry, you wuss). I must say, I thought American television reached it's lowest of lows when I ranted about "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader." Unfortunately, American society has reached a new low. The show "Manswers" claims to be all the answers to what men want to know. Since this is pretty much what I like writing about, I thought I'd give it a look. I must say that it's an insult to masculinity and if you enjoy watching the show, you're not a man, you're a hack. The first thing that almost gave me an aneurysm was the obnoxious "extreme" narrator. The idea that men need a surfer/drill sergeant to pay attention is retarded. Since I'm not 7 and watching a GI Joe commercial, there's no reason for the narrator to be some prick who won't stop yelling. Next, the camera is constantly zooming in and out with sound effects. It's as if they're worried that I have severe ADD that would cause me to look away if I didn't focus on the screen. Finally, the questions are answered using either a ridiculous cut sequence or using a semi-naked woman. I'll admit, there are subtle ways of getting men to pay attention but it's very much an art form. When you get a chick to shoot a gun just to watch her tits bounce, you're not being coy, you're being a tool.
This show doesn't provide you with answers to anything. If you're really curious about anything, look it up. Don't trust a 15 second cut sequence, that mainly illustrates breasts, for your source of any kind of information. If someone ever starts a conversation with me based on something they saw on Manswers, I'll punch them square in the mouth. Not only does the show tell you dick all about anything, but the fact that you sat through an entire episode and took it seriously means you're a total gooch scab that doesn't deserve to keep all his teeth.

Breakfast Cereals Are Destroying Society

I've always asked myself why there are so many punk kids today who think it's ok to become stoned slackers who talk back to their elders. When I was a kid, giving your mom lip (or any adult, for that matter) merits you a smack with a wooden sandal or plastic coat hanger. Now you'll have little Johnny McBratson flipping his mom the bird as he continues to play with his fake friends on Xbox live. Where did this behaviour come from? (other than your shitty-ass parenting) Breakfast cereals. That's right, breakfast cereals are responsible for corrupting today's youth and turning them into the rebellious little foreskins they are today. Lets have a look at some cereals and I'll show you how they're a menace to society.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC)

Every CTC commercial follows the same template. The dialogue is between a teen and an adult:
"Hey Murray, do you know why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?"
"It's got fructose which is highly addictive"
"No, lame-brain, it's got cinnamon swirls on every bite!"
Who the fuck are you to think you know so much about cereal, punk? Do you think you know better than someone who's more than twice your age? You're nowhere near as smart or as witty as you think you are. I hope the "cinnamon sugar" rots your teeth to a paste, you disrespectful dingleberry.

Trix

Day after day, I see this poor rabbit try to get his fix of a balanced breakfast. Day after day, he's met with the same response: "Silly, Rabbit. Trix are for kids." That's good sharing, Johnny PeePants. Even when the rabbit gets his own Trix cereal, these snot-nosed punks pop out of a bush and steal his cereal. I can't wait for the Trix rabbit to partner up with the killer bunny from Montey Python: "Silly, rabbit. Trix ar...GYYYAAAHHHH" *bunny rips out jugular*

Apple Jacks

Every commercial, an adult will remind a group of long-haired, pseudo-rebellious kids that their cereal doesn't even taste like apples. The kids brush him off and say that they eat what they like. Essentially what their saying is that they'll fall for any simple marketing ploy. I doubt those Menudo rejects would scarf down that shit if they found out it was really just sugar and wheat by-products.

Cocoa Puffs/Sugar Crisp/Corn Pops

I decided to group these four together because they all allude to the same social problem. Whenever I hear any of their catch phrases, I can't help but be reminded of a cocaine addict. I'll be honest, I like cereal; it's pretty healthy, it's satisfying and it doesn't take long to make. However, a lack of cereal will never cause me to go "cuckoo" nor will I break out into sweat since "I've gotta have my pops." If your sugar/crack addicted kids try to come near my kids, I'll gun them down before they get within 10 yards. No kid of mine will turn into a puffed wheat peddler.

Cap'n Crunch

Cap'n Crunch commercials always start with a bunch of kids being treated unfairly by an adult. Mr. Crunch then shows up and transports them to a colorful world of berries. Now tell me how exactly this isn't exactly like a bunch of slacker popping some LSD to escape the drudgery of a mundane life? Here's a newsflash for you, Paul McCartney Jr., escaping reality won't help you with your problems. Quit poppin' crunch berries, get yourself a job and stop leeching off society.

5 Annoying Drunk People

"Once I was alone with five drunks,
Each of them was stinkier than skunks.
Simply for fun,
I pissed in the rum,
Then I watched the douche bags blow chunks"
-Carma B

Continuing in the tradition of people who piss me off, I wrote the following article. Every time I go to a party, there are different breeds of drunks. Each one finds his own way to piss me off and ruin the party for other. We all know who they are and it's about time their stupidity was brought out into the open like a closet-necrophiliac fifth-grader.

#1 The Tough Guy

Nothing says "I'm a huge douche" like another macho guy at the bar whose swaggering from side to side. Good for you, Siegfried, you grew yourself some beer balls. I just hope you drank enough to numb the pain when your ass gets knocked down to the pub floor. When alcohol gets into your blood stream, it interferes with your reaction time as well as with your sense of balance. You very much need both if you want to get somewhere other than the bathroom stall with your head in the toilet.

#2 The Daredevil

When there are enough people around, you can count on one drunken pube-snip to do something stupid that will either injure him or break something. Once all the eyes on him, Buttman will probably do something stupid and generic like jump into a bush or show you a knife trick. Congrats, Mr. Fantasdick, you look like a tool! If you want to be entertaining, tell a joke. When I want to see someone break a jungle gym while running into something nuts-first, I watch America's Funniest Home Videos reruns, where the wacky football-to-the-groin antics of lower-middle class Americans are accompanied by the hilarious commentaries of Bob Saget.

#3 The Dancing Queen

I know you're feeling loose and you're really getting into the music but when you hit the dance floor, you look like a complete jackwipe. The mess of uncoordinated seizures and flailing limbs makes me think I'm in a Kill Bill fight scene. You're not lighting up the dance floor, Travolta. You're embarassing yourself and your great aunt gertrude, who now has to get her pacemaker recalibrated when all she wanted to do was dance the macarena with her newly bar mitzvah-ed son, Saul.

#4 The Puker

Some people just haven't learnt about moderation and, at the site of booze, will open their throat hole like a Soviet hooker. These are the cockwads responsible for smelly alley ways and the occasional chunks that line the rim of the toilet at a house party. There's no kiddy table when alcohol is served. No one will tell you what you can and can't have. If you can't show a little self-discipline, maybe you should run along to Chuck E. Cheese's with a pocket full of quarters and leave the pints to the big boys.



#5 The Philosopher (aka Good Will Fronting)

Every now and then, when you're sitting at the bar with a few drinks, there will be one guy balbbing on about his views of society and religion. The worst part is that they think that, through his slurred and beer-soaked words, he thinks his words are a brief history of time. No words uttered after 5 Mooseheads will ever be of any value to anyone - ever. If you want to talk about how you like the AC Milan's new defence, that's fine. Anything else merits you a swift kick to the nuts.

Top 5 Celebrity Hypocrites

Too many people get famous by preaching messages that they themselves don't follow. They publicly condemn actions and influence a slew of people to hang on their every word as if it came directly from the Almighty. Instead of being caught up in these lies, it's about time you deviated from the general public's blissful ignorance and learn the truth about the role models whom society has placed on a pedestal.

Dr. Phil McGraw (1950 - )

His Preach - Every problem has a glamorous and half hour solution
Dr. Phil likes to be the problem solver of all relationship issues. He likes to boast that his daytime talk show is 2nd in the nation because it helps people solve their problems with a "get real" approach.

His Practice - Divorce
Unable to deal with his own problems at home, Dr. Phil is currently undergoing a divorce. He's willing to throw around the hefty sum of $200 million to get his (ex) wife to shut up and not spill the beans on his whole operation. A single testimony from his wife on how terrible he is in the homestead would pretty much kill his career as a self-help guru. How can you let this pseudo-psychology babbling hick tell you how live your life, give the illusion that his half-hour spectacles are actually psychiatry and take oodles of money in the process?

Robert Atkins (1930 - 2003)

His Preach - Carbs=Evil
The famous Atkins diet taught millions of people to avoid carbs like hookers with herpes. Robert Atkins convinced his followers that filling your body with nothing but proteins and totally cutting out carbohydrates would ultimately lead to weight loss and perfect health.

His Practice - Heart Attack
A year before he died, Atkins suffered a heart attack. Eating nothing but fatty steak dinners might have clogged his arteries and left his ol' ticker helpless. I guess that's what we call "poetic justice." In spite of this incident, people continue to hold onto the mindframe that carbs are the spawn of Satan and the consumption of any sort of bread will lead to morbid obesity.

Michael Moore (1954 - )

His Preach - The Righteous Fighter of The Working Man
Mr. Moore likes to portray himself as the "everyday working man." He's always sporting an ill-fitted baseball cap and fronting a 3-day Castaway beard. He claims that he grew up in a working class family and can relate to the lower-tier factory worker. He believes that the world needs to be rid of the fat, rich white men who spawned out of the abomination known as American capitalism.

His Practice - The Fat, Rich White Man Of Whom He Warns
Michael is anything but an everyday working man. He fought to extend his million dollar beach house's private beach onto wetlands. Contradictory to socialist ideology, Moore sends his child to a private school so he won't mingle with the working class.
Moore was never a working class child. His parents both made a decent salary and, as result, Michael grew up in an upper-middle class home in the white, upper-middle class town of Davison, Michigan (Not Flint, as Moore likes to claim.). In reality, Michael Moore is the fat, rich white man he likes to warn people about. He's never had any connection to the "working man." All he's doing is creating propaganda that appeals to the majority of a population. Don't confuse his marketing with righteousness and don't be fooled into thinking he, in any way, represents the working man.

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

His Preach - Tolerance and Faith
Gandhi is remembered as the apitomy of peace, understanding and tolerance. To this day, die-hard hippies like to quote him on their Facebook profiles. It's safe to say that, in the minds of people today, Gandhi was so pure and good meaning, that any negative comments about him is blasphemy. One of his quotes on tolerance went like this:
"Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding."
Gandhi was also a very religious man and believed deeply in the gods of Hinduism. When his wife, Kasturba, was sick with pneumonia, Gandhi refused to allow British doctors administer penicillin. A drug which would've ultimately saved her life. Instead, Gandhi believed that the gods would heal her.

His Practice - Racism and Cowardice
Gandhi was overtly racist. He constantly emphasized that Indians should not be confused with the blacks of South Africa. In the following quote, Kaffir is an ethnic slur aimed at Black South Africans (equivalent to saying "nigger")
“A general belief seems to prevail in the colony that the Indians are little better, if at all, than the savages or natives of Africa. Even the children are taught to believe in that manner, with the result that the Indian is being dragged down to the position of a raw Kaffir”
So much for tolerance. Gandhi went on to say: ""Kaffirs are as a rule uncivilised — the convicts even more so. They are troublesome, very dirty and live almost like animals."
Although letting the gods heal the body was okay for his wife, when Gandhi himself became ill, he immediately insisted that he be given medication. When you force your wife to die then cowardly back away from the same morals that killed her...that kinda makes you a hypocrite....and a huge douche bag.

Al Gore (1948 - )

His Preach - Lower Energy Consumption
Al Gore is making millions of dollars making people feel guilty about their high fuel consumption. Millions of people are spending their hard earned money on "green" products and are going out of their way to be "green" and "eco friendly" because Al Gore says that the world will flood soon.

His Practice - Consume 30 Times More Energy Than The Average American
Al Gore Nashville mansion consumes 30 times more energy than an average home on a monthly basis. While most people burn through 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, Mr. Gore's mansion used up almost 221,000 kWh! After releasing An Inconvenient Truth, energy consumption went up by more than 2,000 kWh in Gore household. His excuse for this is that he invest in renewable energy initatives so, in reality, he's carbon neutral. What he doesn't say is that he's actually investing into his own company. So while you're breaking your head open to "think green" Mr. Gore is laughing his ass off at how he's managed to brainwash millions and live the good life at the same time.

10 Things People Do On Facebook That Piss Me Off

Just like millions of other people, I've joined Facebook. I'll admit that I enjoy keeping in touch with friends whom I'd otherwise lose touch. As much as I enjoy it, there's still a bunch of stupid shit people do on Facebook that always manages to get under my skin and take a dump on my brain. Here's a bunch of shit that people do on Facebook that merits them a merciless bludgeoning.

#1 Phallic Symbols
Nothing says "I have a small penis and low self-esteem" like someone who decides to post a picture of himself with any kind of firearm. Don't assume that posting a picture of you with an M-16 without a caption makes you casual about the whole idea. You still might as well be a 9-year-old running to his schoolyard chums yelling "Guys, guys! I got to hold I gun! I feel so cool now." Unless you used that gun for anything other than a 1 time target practice on your Uncle Buck's incestuous ranch, posting that picture makes you a poser. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go to your room.

#2 Phake Photoshop
Congratulations, you've installed a program that takes up approximately 600 Mb of hard drive space just so you can play with a few color filters. Do you think upping the contrast and applying a Gaussian blur to a picture of you and your friends makes you a graphic designer? It doesn't. It just makes you look like a pretentious douche. If your total history is under 15 actions, you've done dick all to your picture. You're only bastardizing Photoshop by using it solely to neon glow and emboss your pictures....ass.

#3 Irrelevant Status
The "status" feature on Facebook was created to let your friends know what you're doing or where you are. For example, you could be "busy studying" or "finally on vacation". This feature wasn't designed so you can showcase your favorite downloaded, generic emo quote of the day. If I wanted to see your favorite quote, I would take the time to scroll down to "favorite quotes." Do you make a habit out of placing shit where it doesn't belong? If I invite you over, will you take a crap on my lamp?

#4 Philosophy minute
When Facebook asks you your religion, it's to give you the possibility to network with people of the same belief. No one asked you to write a pseudo-witty phrase regarding your atheist (or other) views on religion. Simply writing that you're an atheist is acceptable. You won't see religious people writing "I'm Jewish, and you're a fucking tool if you're not." Pasting a Nietzsche or Pritchard quote to exemplify your world views doesn't make you an intellectual; it just makes you a pompous dickhead.

#5 Facebook Pimps
When your marital status is "in a relationship" people can assume by themselves that you and your partner kiss occasionally. Posting pictures of your pre-pubescent make out sessions isn't something your online peers enjoy. Yes, occasionally your girl friends will post a comment like "aw, cutest couple ever" but the other 99% of the Facebook population is either trying not to yak on their keyboards or are pissing their pants at the thought of how sexually insecure you are. You two aren't "cute" or "adorable." You're pathetic. Social networks and softcore porn should never be confused.

#6 Group Petitions
Every now and then I get an invite to group that needs X amount of people to accomplish a task. "If 550 people join, Jimmy will buy a bottle of Skyy on Saturday" "100 people to get Britney Henderson on Facebook." If Britney doesn't have time to waste on Facebook, that's her prerogative. Leave Britney alone! She's a human! Of all the causes in this world to which you could donate your time, getting someone to accomplish an ultimately useless task isn't the most crucial. Not only did you waste your own time by creating the group, but you've also wasted my time when I have to click "Reject Invitation."...you bastard.

#7 Forced compliments
Occasionally, some totally ugly chick will post some photos of herself dressed up for a special event. Immediately, her girlfriends will begin to swarm the photo with their generous yet generic compliments: "OMG, Stacey. Ur gorg!","So hot! Luv ya." We all know you really mean: "Wow, you're a lot less fugly in this pic than you usually are." You're not fooling anyone. Just because someone has their hair and makeup done, doesn't mean they're Tara Reid. Sometimes I feel like I've stumbled on some ancient girl pact to always compliment each other's beauty despite...each other's beauty. You'll never catch any guys rushing to post fake praise on each other's prom pictures. Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. You people make me sick.

#8 Clubbing Shots
No, I'm not talking about the, ordinarily funny, seal clubbing pictures. I'm talking about people who feel the urge to take a picture of themselves on a crowded dance floor drinking from a $20 bottle of vodka that cost them $110. What's running through your mind when you're taking this picture? "I'm gonna put this picture up on Facebook and everyone will know that I tear it up on weekends." Unfortunately, you just look like a putz who has to prove himself to people who will only have a 1.5 second glance at each picture. Congratulations, baller, you're officially a turd sandwich.

#9 Applications
Thanks to Facebook making their source code publicly available, millions of people can now piss the shit out of one another with a barrage of useless applications. In a network that was once devoted purely to online communication between classmates, people can now waste hours filling out surveys and having a JavaScript application telling them what kind of person they are. The worst part is that all this stupid shit gets flaunted on the profile page, which then turns into a MySpace page. "Look! My Sex in the City IQ is 138!" Good for you. Now end your life.

#10 Useless Arguments
Once upon a time, when people had an important political message they'd want to convey to the public, they'd take to the streets with a passion. Now any shitbreak with 15 minutes will just create a political group with a few government-bashing pictures and consider himself a revolutionary. The worst part of all this is that it leads to heated arguments. What the fuck are you wasting so much time arguing for? Firstly, you won't end up convincing the other side. Secondly, you won't gather an audience since no one cares enough to read through your heat-of-the-moment typos and nonsense. Thirdly, in a matter of days it'll be a part of an archive and no one will ever see your 45 minutes of writing ever again. No one will refer back to your arguments or quote you. You might has well have sat on your ass and watched midget porn. At least that makes for an interesting story.

That last image might not be to everyone's taste, but such is life. I know it'll get some guilty chuckles. That's a wrap for this list. Wow, that took a while to write. I know everyone reading this has committed at least one of the aforementioned sins. Your god(s) hate(s) you for it and so do I.

Beat Your Kids. They'll Thank You For It Later

I'm not one to tolerate stupidity in any of it's forms. Actions and words that haven't been properly thought out before they're thrown into a social situation are nails on a blackboard to me. That's why, above all else, I cannot stand kids. What's the appeal of having a drunken midget plowing into your valuables and creating a scene when their inferior, developing bladders burst at the seams?

I don't know about you, but every time I see a bratty kid demand another toy from his weak willed mother, I feel like jumping on him without showing the same shoe removal courtesy as I do to a trampoline. I know what you're thinking: "They're G-d's little miracle", "You were a kid too." Firstly, something that never shuts up and is constantly running into things isn't "a miracle", it's that drunk guy at the party whom everyone wishes would just go home. Secondly, I was never a child. I sublimated into adulthood after I realized that crappy macaroni art and making a scene at department stores isn't getting me on anyone's good side.

I'm sorry for depressing you, Mrs. Soccer Mom. Now you'll have to get yourself some Prozac when you pick up your kid's Ritalin. Don't be too glum; there's hope for you yet. The next time your kid acts up, show 'em the stiff side of your belt. Nothing says: "I love you but I want you to shut the fcuk up" like the smack of leather followed by the sting of a belt buckle. That's right, beat the snot out of your kids, they'll thank you for it later. Until next time; help control the child population by getting yourself spayed or neutered. Peace out, suckas.

How Global Warming Conflicts With Your Religion

If you still believe in all this global warming bullshit, not only are you stupid but you're also a hypocrite. That's right; you're a turd sandwich and you didn't even know! It doesn't matter which philosophy you follow, it conflicts with the ridiculous notion of global warming. Here's why:

Jewish/Christian?

After the flood, G-d promised never to flood the earth: "I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of a flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth." (Genesis 9:11) So if you believe Al Gore's fantasy of the ice caps melting and flooding the world, you're saying that G-d went back on his word and are, therefore, going to hell, you sacrilegious bastard.

Atheist/Agnostic?

You either don't think there is a god or don't care. Whatever the case may be, you think the evidence pointing towards the existence of a higher being is sketchy and, in some cases, exaggerated. Right? Well the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), the panel of 2500 scientist that Al Gore loves to cite, contains many scientists who disagree with global warming all together. Also, the famous "hockey stick graph" that Al Gore uses has been shown to be false and uses fabricated numbers like a CO2 increase of 1% a year when it's really .5% That's a 100% margin of error. If you dismiss evidence of G-d as inconsistent and anecdotal, then you have absolutely no reason to believe global warming, you godless sucka.

Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Bobby Henderson emphasizes that correlation doesn't imply causality (not a revolutionary concept) by illustrating the correlation between global temperatures and the amount of pirates in the world. Your "religion" outrightly denounces global warming, so you're a total tool if you still believe in alarmist environmental theories.

Islamic?

Though Muslims are quite spread out, they are found mostly in the Arab penninsula and Northern Africa, where 90-100% of the population is Muslim. That being the case, climate change policy will disadvantage these countries the most. Arab countries rely heavily on oil for political leverage. African countries would very much like to develop their country by being able to exploit their coal resources. Unfortunately, global warming policy is trying to keep Africa "green." This means that they're forced to use solar energy instead of their cheap coal. The problem with that is no one can afford solar panels. Hospitals are forced to run without electricity because solar panels are out of reach. Ya, that's totally fair. The West can use coal in the industrial revolution to advance themselves, but not Islamic Africa.

Church of Heaven's Gate?

The earth's being recycled. Stop whining and kill yourself.

Satanist?

The first tenet of Satanism is to indulge rather than to abstain. You won't find Al Gore, with his global warming notions, wanting to have less laws and control over people. According to Al Gore, we've been very bad and now we have to abstain from many of life's pleasures. Not very Satanist if you ask me.

No matter what your religion, Al Gore is Satan....unless you're a Satanist. Then he's Jesus. Even if you believe in no god at all, Al Gore represents a contradiction in your philosophy. So know this: whoever you are and whatever you believe; you're a hypocritical douche if you believe in global warming. Peace out, fool.

Dumb Americans

Tip #124: Lowering Your Standards Makes You Feel Smarter

I just caught a glimpse of the show "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" on YouTube and I must say that I'm amazed at how Americans are not ashamed of what has become of their society. Do people not realize that average American intellect has degraded to the point where adults are having trouble answering questions that an 11-year old can answer with ease? To add to the irony, the show is hosted by Jeff Foxworthy; a man who made himself famous with jokes about how much of a dumb redneck he is.

Half of me wants to believe that this is all one big joke and this isn't real. The other half is enraged by how retards scraped from the bottom of the intelligence barrel are rewarded more money than they ever deserve to see. Once upon a time, Jeopardy was THE game show. The questions got progressively harder and there was a challenge to be had. Then, Americans moved on to Wheel of Fortune; a game that limited you to 26 possible answers. Later, the smash hit game show became "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." The answers are limited 4 possibilities but the questions were still pretty tough. Now, we're glorifying the dumbest shits ever to walk G-d's green earth. I don't think broadcasters should publicize footage of these dumb fucks struggling to figure out how many E's there are in "watermelon" or in which European country you can find Budapest.

I don't think it's surprising that so many illegal immigrants enter America since anyone with half a brain can make a killing harvesting money from a legion of idiots. Is this dumbed-down dickhead-fest entertainment for the country? Is it entertaining that 18% of Americans believe that the sun orbits the earth? I'm going to stop before I slip into an anger-induced seizure.
If you're an American reading this, congrats on reaching the end. You're probably smarter than most of your country...unless of course you only came here because of the pictures of half-naked women. You people make me sick. Illegal immigrants will only improve your country. Seeya, suckas.

OMFG! Lindsay Lohan Britney Spears!!!

Lately, I've noticed that a celebrity's popularity is directly proportional to how drugged up they are. Suddenly, it's become cool to be a public fuck up. Britney Spears is still the talk of the town for holding her child hostage in a bathtub. Lindsay Lohan is no longer pretty. She looks like a coked up granny that belongs at the Vegas slots. But for some reason, you'll still be searching for them on the news feeds to see what they're up to/how they're screwing up today. Don't think that these druggies aren't loving the attention they're getting.

Once upon a time, a celebrity had to have talent to be famous and when they stopped making music/acting/modeling and just partied and hit up the drugs, they would become a has-been (ie: Vanilla Ice). Now, celebrities have it easy. They're famous for being famous and don't have to work for the attention. Odds are, you didn't come here looking for my bitching. Instead you were hoping to see some news about the downward spiral of Britney Spears or photos of a decrepit Lindsay Lohan. You make me sick. Stop making yourself feel better by prying into someone's fucked up life and glorifying them in the process. You're almost as pathetic as the ones who are actually getting this attention. Read real news, you desktop paparazzi. Word to your mother.

Screw up Vs Google Popularity graph...I'm so scientific

Ripped Jeans Aren't Cool. They're Stupid....like you

When I buy a product, unless I'm getting a killer deal, I like to buy it new. As I pass by all the usual yuppie shops, I notice that people are generally willing to pay more for pre-ripped jeans. How has our society come to this? How has dressing like a hobo become a status symbol? Just because God gave you an ass that was already cracked, doesn't mean the same logic should be applied to your fashion. I don't think you look cool if your jeans are all ripped up; I think you need a new pair of jeans because yours now look like shit. You wouldn't buy socks with fashionable holes. Nor would you buy underwear with designer shit stains. But jeans that look like you nabbed them out of a dumpster, hey, that's cool. I think that it's safe to say that the more rips in your jeans, the dumber you are and the more you deserve to be parted with your money. I guess that's the only thing I appreciate about those stupid ripped jeans; they stop idiots from doing more dangerous things with their money.

In my everlasting quest to be useful, here are some links that may help you look like a douche:

http://www.wikihow.com/Rip-Your-Own-Jeans
http://www.destroyedbrand.com/
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20070724171214AAnWnsg

iPhone Sucks And So Do You

It never ceases to amaze me how stupid shit like the iPhone manage to skyrocket in popularity. There are an infinite number of things that suck about the iPhone yet Apple has still managed to convince a handful of idiots with too much money that it's some sort of status symbol. Just for shits and giggles, lets review a list of things that we hate about the iPhone. Feel free to join in whenever.
1) One drop and you'll go running to repair your cracked screen
2) It's shape (similar to that of a 3-pack of condoms) is not convenient as a phone.
3) The internet is nowhere near as fast as the commercials show.
4) No removable battery means a headache whenever you need a new battery or anything that involves taking out the battery.
5) You're paying over 500 bucks for shit you can do on a regular phone but you're just too lazy to figure out how.
6) No games to play when you're bored in a waiting room.
7) Unlike a decent PDA, iPhone will not sync with Outlook. Why? Because Microsoft and Apple aren't best buddies.
8) Those of you who invested the whopping 500 or more for the iphone will be disappointed when they realize that it won't be long till better shit comes out. This isn't the phone to end all phones.
9) Where my Bluetooth/MMS/IM/GPS at?
10) If you want to unlock your iPhone, you better be willing to risk it becoming an iBrick.
11) Those of you who are annoying pricks with your musical ringtones will be sad to hear that iPhone provides no such thing.

Sigh, that was 10 minutes of ranting about the iPhone and I've had my fill. I feel sorry for the suckers who actually buy the damn things. Apparently if I type things like "iPhone applications", "iphone wallpaper", iphone porn" i'll get more hits. Haha, I bet there will be some dumbasses running in here looking for their fix of wallpaper, applications and porn. Too bad, sucka!

Bush Haters

It royally pisses me off when I hear Americans complain about George W. Bush. Whenever Bush comes up, all people seem to be able to do is criticize. Why? Because that's the easy road. Everyone can do. That's what's popular. The point is, America, YOU elected him. Not only did YOU elect him, but it was YOU that decided that he did his job so well the first term, YOU elected him for a second term. Don't all be whiny bitches about a president that nobody likes. The fact of the matter is that a majority of your country wanted him in power. That's the country in which you live. Isn't democracy a bitch? It's always giving an equal voice to everyone. How annoying! So any American that doesn't want to see Bush in power is now officially a democracy-hating fascist and must be excommunicated. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Ultra Bullshit

Sometimes marketing ploys are so stupid that they just annoy me. Once upon a time, the only dish soap was a tall bottle of green stuff. Now, I guess soap companies revised their formulas and produced "ultra soap" (ie: dawn ultra, palmolive ultra). This led to small, more expensive containers. The companies didn't want to turn people off of the newer soaps, so they started feeding cinsumers this bullshit about only needing a teaspoon per sink load. I bought that hunk of crap...for a bit, and tried doing a sink load with only one squirt. The soap might be able to degrease if it didn't fucking dissolve like dish soaps do. Today when I went to grab the dish soap at work, I see that it's the exact same tall bottle of green stuff except it says "ultra" fucking thing! Obviously they realized that one squirt isn't cutting it for anyone. So we're back to using the same amount of soap but are paying double for it because it's a new ultra formula.

The Inconvenient Truth Isn’t So Truthful

It seems that I’m beginning to recover from the stress induced aneurisms with which I was overcome after having seen “An Inconvenient Truth.” Many people are jumping on the global warming bandwagon after having seen this film and I would like to present the flip side of this coin; even though it’s only towards a small population.

Let’s start with the poor, innocent polar bears we see in the movie. Mr. Gore claims that the melting ice in the Arctic is causing the bears to lose their hunting grounds and natural habitat. A recent study done by the World Wide Fund for Nature (WWF) has reported that the polar bear population is generally stable and, in some instances, increasing. To add more drama, the movie presents the ghastly fact that polar bears have been resorting to cannibalism. In case no one knew, polar bears have always resorted to cannibalism. It’s not uncommon for a male polar bear to find a youngin’ with its mother and make a quick meal of it. It’s not always easy standing by a whole and waiting for a seal to pop out.

It’s not a matter of rejecting the facts presented; rather, trying to see the whole picture. As an example of global warming, Gore takes the example of the European heat wave in 2003 that claimed several thousand lives. The little tidbit that wasn’t mentioned was that a very similar heat wave was also experienced in 1921 in France with the same “record highs”.

Another huge fear is that the Antarctic will melt and cause devastating floods, especially in Florida (oh no! where will we vacation?). The inconvenient truth that many were told is that the western part of the Antarctic is warming. The more convenient truth is that the eastern part, which is about ten times bigger, is cooling and getting thicker. A study released in 2003 shows that the East Antarctica has gained 45 billion tons of ice. Not as scary as previously thought.

One of the big terms thrown around was CO2 emissions. One of the major guilt factors is that we are creating carbon dioxide, a greenhouse gas, which is warming our planet. Al Gore even has a nifty little graph that shows a link between our temperature and the CO2 emissions. The graphs that you weren’t shown were those linking solar winds and sun spots to the CO2. Isn’t it a tad weird that Gore never mentioned that perhaps our planet is being warmed by the sun? Our sun’s cosmic ray patterns actually closely matched that of CO2 emission; leading many scientists to believe that our massive sun is probably the cause of this warming trend. Instead, the notion of manmade CO2 emissions is driven in with data going back some 360,000 years. This may seem impressive, but scientists have already gone back further and have discovered that CO2 emissions used to be twelve times greater than they are now and the average global temperature was two degrees cooler.

The general populous seem to think that the majority of scientists agree with this notion of global warming. Professor Bob Carter of the Marine Geophysical Laboratory at James Cook University said to the Canadian Free Press: “Gore's circumstantial arguments are so weak that they are pathetic. It is simply incredible that they, and his film, are commanding public attention.”

The decision is up to you. You have the choice to look deeper and continue researching the real facts. On the other hand, you can also continue believing Mr. Gore; whose Nashville mansion’s electricity consumption is more than twenty times the national average. Physician, heal thyself.