Standard Deviations

Do Trust Sprays Really Work?

2011-11-23T20:00:00.001-05:00

So you're most likely reading this article because you've beenseeing ads about these sprays that are proven to get salesmen more sales andbachelors more women. You're now just doing your research to see if you canfind even a single unbiased, unsponsored review of ANY of the trust sprayscurrently on the market. Well, you're in luck. I tested out one of the sprayand, even though it's just one man's review, it's an honest one.

I won't leave youin suspense and force you to strain your brain with word, trust sprays are bullshit. They'rea scam and a waste of your hard earned money. For 80% of you, that's all the infoyou needed and will stop reading here since you're running off to waste $30 onsome other gimmick.Enjoy.

So for you(unfortunately) few who actually care to educate themselves, here's how Iarrived to such a conclusion:

Trust sprays workon the principal of oxytocin being the bonding hormone. The theory is that oxytocinis a natural hormone released in the brain that is associated with trust,intimacy, bonding, etc. It's the hormone released in a new mother when shebreastfeeds her child, of partners in a relationship when they interact and injust about anyone when they feel intimacy in whatever form. It's pretty muchscientifically proven that smellingoxytocin while interacting with someone will lead to increased trust andgenerosity towards that person.

While manycompanies will use very credible scientific evidence to back up the claim thattheir oxytocin concoction really works, they fall short in one very crucialarea. In tests involving oxytocin, a high concentration is sprayed directlyinto the nasal passage where it can immediately take effect on the brain sinceit can only survive in the air for about 30 seconds. The trust sprays, however,are sprayed on your own body and are diluted heavily with alcohol. The resultis a sucker who just dished out 30 bucks to temporarily coat himself with anineffective dose of oxyticin and smell faintly of cheap vodka.

Don't think thatI'm all talk, either. I bought a trust spray by the name of "Liquid Trust" byVero Labs I was conveniently working in a popular electronics retail storethat meticulously monitors our sales stats at the time and decidedI'd try a 1 month supply. If I had significant results, I'd tell all mysalesmen colleagues about it, order it in bulk and sell it off to them for aprofit (I'm not THAT stupid). This is the small psuedo-experiment I set up formyself. I would test sales performance under the following conditions:

1 week of sprayingmyself vs 1 week of not
1 week of spraying my friend vs 1 week of not
1 week of spraying a friend without their knowledge vs 1 week of not
2 dates with a trust spray vs 2 without

The Results:
I improved slightly, though not significantly
My consenting friend stayed at the same level
My oblivious friend saw a slight decrease in sales
My dates were all extremely successful...but lets be honest; that's just causeI'm me. Have you seen me lately? Damn.

I know you really want it to be true that, with a few spritzes, you canearn more money and have to fight women off. It would be so glamorous ifsomeone offered you a magic potion, at an affordable price, that did just that.Unfortunately, there is no such magic formula.There's no substituting good oldfashioned charisma and a healthy knowledge of psychology....unless your date iscomfortable with you dosing them via nasal spray upon first contact....neverknow, some bitches be freakyyy

Peace out, Suckas.

PS: I'd really like to know how many silly $30 purchases I've saved. If you got this far and were talked out of the purchase, please throw a little "thanks dude" in the comments below.

Welcome back, Kotter

2011-11-23T00:54:00.001-05:00

Konichiwa Bitches!
Yes, I'm going to try to revive the blog. Primarily because you're all lost without me. I took a hiatus to study a whole new set of tips, tiffs and tits. All the knowledge I so pompously dished out up till now took the better part of a decade for me to acquire so you'll forgive me for taking a couple years off. Now that I have a fresh batch mental vomit to hurl your way, you can look forward to me heroically saving you from many more pitfalls. You can avoid being the worst kind of 99% - the ones who aren't hanging on my every word and benefiting from my gospel to the fullest. Good to be back, suckas.

Cell Phone Etiquette: What does your phone say about your social status?

2010-05-05T19:48:00.000-04:00

What do you do with your cell phone when you're sitting at a table? What about at a meeting? Cell phones have quickly become the most opaque symbol of status. Every cell related gesture can tell you worlds about the person and the hierarchical position they perceive/wish themselves to be within the group. So what do cell phone behaviours tell you about your friends?

The one who leaves his cell phone on the table
This behaviour is common among midlevel businessmen and jappy women who want to appear more important than they actually are. Putting your phone down on the table in front of your peers is a way of demonstrating that your other engagements are much more important than your present one The aforementioned teenie bopper will be cell showing to let others see their popularity and how there are many other friends who may want to contact them.

The one who silenced subtly
This is the behaviour of a true high status individual. He earns respect because he gives respect. Firstly, he lets you know that your conversation is important to him and he doesn't want to break its momentum. Secondly, he's sending the message that, even though there are others looking for him, he'll decide if he chooses to delay the conversation. Both traits are signs of a higher status individual. He's important enough that individuals will continually try to reach him.

The one who excuses their cell phone
This falls into the category of subtle silencing. Even big shots have crises that they need to address. Excusing their phones shows that they're aware of offence that may be taken by their faux pas. As long as they manage the situation efficiently and return their phone discretely, the interruption wasn't simply a pathetic attempt at showboating.

The one who takes the call
If you’re in a casual social setting, taking a call, so long as it’s excused and brief, may be deemed acceptable. In a more formal setting, or if the call is not brief, the call is once again the phone holder simply asserting their dominance. When you look at the pack mentality of wild animals, the dominant one of the group is allowed leaving the pack whenever he pleases while the lower ranking members aren’t granted such liberties. This is essentially what’s being represented with the cell phone conversation. The phone holder is showing that they can choose when to break the conversation and devote their attention elsewhere. In my opinion this is a dominance gesture that doesn’t carry over to the civilized world. Whoever does it is just a flat out prick. Period.

The one who uses his cell needlessly
When once upon a time a man would show his resourcefulness by displaying the pocket knife skills he picked up in boy scouts. Being robbed of that opportunity to display their true skills, all that's left is to download all the pseudo-interesting apps they can find and try to wedge them into any situation they can. On a level of status and self worth, these are individuals who are looking to express their self worth. It's a behaviour common amongst adolescent/young adult males. They're at a point in their lives when their still hammering out their place in industry and what will be their contribution to the world.

How to Stay Awake in a Boring Lecture

2010-04-20T11:18:00.000-04:00

Unfortunately, not everyone can keep you at the edge of your seat like I can. Some people in this world are boring as shit and, all too often, that person is your professor or lecturer. Staying awake and avoiding death by boredom is crucial in a situation like this. No one wants to be the asswipe who falls asleep in his seat and makes a fool of himself when he lets out a snore or awakes in a panic. That having been said, here's how you stay awake in a boring lecture:

Keep a Level Head

Always keep your chin parallel to the ground. Tilting your head too far back or too far forward will pinch your windpipe slightly and cause you to snore loudly when you’re not paying attention to your breathing. A level head ensures smooth, noise-free air flow, Proper breathing will also provide your brain with fresh oxygen, If you think the whole “oxygen to your brain” business is bullshit, then consider the fact that casinos regularly pump oxygen into their halls to keep patrons awake and gambling.

Play With Yourself in Public

Soldiers, in the case that they be held hostage in silence for a prolonged period of time, are taught to play mind games with themselves to avoid insanity. This sounds a bit too extreme a lesson for your lecture hall, but the lesson carries over. Keeping your mind occupied will keep you mentally alert and hold off total boredom. Try to see how far back you can remember what you had for dinner. Look up riddles or math problems and solve them in your head.

Break your Water

If possible, have a cool water bottle with you. You’d be surprised how much you’ll drink when you have nothing else to do. This will keep you busy when you have little else to do or think about. Where this stone hits the second bird is in the fact that you’ll also be preventing dehydration that would sap your energy. As if keeping yourself occupied and hydrated wasn’t enough, filling your belly with water will have you urging for a piss in no time. I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been able to fall sleep on a full bladder.

Dalai Lama Masochism

Buddhist monks pray late into the night in total silence. Should a monk nod off in what should be an intense praying session, he’ll receive a quick smack from a whipping stick. How can you take this method to your lecture? Keep an elastic band around your wrist. Don’t worry; no one will think it’s a hair elastic, you wuss. If you stick to the tan colored ones that blend right in with your skin color no one will know. When you feel yourself becoming drowsy, pull the elastic band and let it snap on your wrist. Don’t crap your pants, it doesn’t hurt that much. While it may seem slightly sadistic, the sharp signals of pain will give your brain a stimulus to process and prevent it from shutting down.

Get Nippy

When your body is at a comfortable temperature, it relaxes a lot of it's systems. This relaxation is causing your mind to slow down on you and relax as well. To wake up your lazy-ass anatomy throw your mind a sobering curve ball. Cooling your body down will send it back into alert, warm-up mode. To achieve this, take off your sweatshirt, if wearing one. If you have a cold water bottle, you can use it to cool down your wrists. Why the wrists? It's an accessible area of the body with little insulation and decent blood flow.

There's no way to defeat the sandman. All these solutions are temporary, superficial fixes. If you find yourself using any of this advice to keep awake, you should be sleeping more at night. How about you stop looking up porn tonight and get to bed at a decent hour? Wondering about the random model pic? It's to get hits and keep it's keeping you awake. I'm all up in your mind, sucka. Stay cool and don't make a fool of yourself.

Clothes Make the Man: The Psychological Power of Suits

2010-04-02T00:39:00.008-04:00

A friend of mine recently asked me if I thought activists would be taken more seriously if they wore a suit. Any douchy magazine can tell you "a suit symbolizes power and money and makes you look successful." That's the uninspired bullshit you can find in the back covers over comic books. This is how a suit really makes you the man.

The Blazer

The focal points of the blazer are the shoulders. The shoulder pads turn weak, round shoulders into broad, load bearing ones. Female politicians have already caught on to the idea. A firm set of shoulders portrays you as a stronger, more fit and generally more dependable person. The blazer also comes in on the waist to give a slim, fitted appearance that also makes your shoulders seem bigger by comparison.

The Tie

The tie is the colorful center of the suit. Its dimensions accomplish two things. First of all, it's a vertical line running down the length of your torso. Ever heard of wearing vertical stripes to make you look taller? This is essentially the same thing. A taller man is seen as a better leader. It's no coincidence that, of the past 27 US president, 21 were taller than the person they were running against.
The second function of the tie is to work in conjunction with the shoulder pads to make you appear broader. Ever walk around with a fat chick to make you look skinny? This works on the same principal. The eye is constantly comparing objects in its visual field to pick up cues of their sizes. The skinny tie in the middle of your chest works to makes you look even wider and more intimidating.

The Pants

Suit pants are, for the most part, pressed with a nice, neat pleat running down the length of the leg. This is just another example of vertical lines at work. The suit is actually quite good at creating straight vertical lines but why is it so crucial? It has to do with the way the human eye examines an object. The eye doesn't simply fixate itself at the center point of an object and, from there, scan it entirely. Instead, the eye fixates itself at various points of contrast on the object. The path the eye travels between points of fixation are called saccades. The pant pleats create a vertical line of contrast and ensures that the saccades are mostly vertical in their orientation.

The Shirt

The shirt, being the bottom-most layer, is the backup for all the other weapons in your arsenal. It is crisp, clean and bright so that it can accentuate the features of the blazer, tie and your face. The neck and collar, unlike any other shirt you wear, is made of straight lines. This is to contrast the angles of your chin and make it look more defined and masculine; a trait that is examined when you’re being judged on your attractiveness. More attractive people are generally assumed to be more confident, extroverted and better leaders. The solid color of the tie also serves to contrast the edges of the tie and blazer so that they can do their respective jobs.

The Watch

Some of you will be thinking that a watch isn’t part of a suit. Nothing could be further from the truth. The watch is a crucial accessory that not only allows you to display bling in a modest and classy fashion, but also send a strong message about who you are as a person. The watch sends the signal that you’re conscious of the time and you work on a schedule. It tell people that your life is organized because you manage yourself accordingly. It doesn’t matter if you have the time on your phone or iPod. You need to have a watch.

So, to finally answer my friend, absolutely yes. A well fitted suit makes you look bigger, taller, and more organized. So long as it is worn in the proper context, a suit is designed to enhance your masculine features and, in doing so, subconsciously demands respect and sets you apart from the shlubs who opt for the khakis and parka.

Drinks for Two #9: Easter-ning into Spring

2010-03-29T13:13:00.002-04:00

So you're hosting an Easter family gathering and everyone's looking to you for a creative drink to reflect the Easter merriment.

Cadbury Easter Egg

3/4 oz. Cream de Cacao
1/2 oz. Bailey's Caramel
Fill 10% Cream

When someone mentions "Easter" do you think of the resurrection of Christ? The circle of life? The blooming spring flowers? No, you think of Cadbury easter eggs in all their chocolaty goodness.

Peep Cocktail

3/4 oz. Rum
1/2 oz. Triple Sec
Fill Grapefruit juice

It's just not Easter without the lovable marshmallow chicks that you always buy but never really enjoy eating. Some traditions just aren't meant to be understood. At least you can still enjoy the drink version of the puffed sugar nausea.

How to Smoke a Water Pipe

2010-01-28T10:57:00.002-05:00

Shisha, nargila, hookah, whatever you choose to call it, it's increased in popularity in the last few years. With the recession still among us, creating a lounge atmosphere at home is becoming a fashionable and cost efficient way of spending an evening. Here's what you need to know if you want to hit the ground running in the hookah bizCoals

There are two kinds of coals you'll be seeing: natural and quick light. Natural coals need to be lit on a stove, bbq or coal chimney. Quick lights can easily be lit with a plain lighter. If you're just starting out with shisha, you shouldn't be hassling yourself with natural coals. Just get yourself some quick lights and don't complicate your life. When you get a bit

more adept at preparing your hookah and feel yourself wanting to fine-tune the quality of your smoke, natural coals generally burn longer, maintain a constant temperature and produce less ash.

Buying Shisha Tobacco
If you're lucky enough to live in a place where flavoured tobacco isn't outlawed (like Canada. Haha. Americans, envy my fruity-tasting tobacco and the way I write flavoUred!) then you should find yourself a source of shisha tobacco. It's different from cigarette rolling tobacco in that the cut is a lot thicker and the dried leaves are glazed with fruit preserve and molasses. If you can't find a tobacconist near you that sells it, there's a brand being sold on eBay for a very reasonable $3 a box. They get away with it because it's sugar cane bagasse and not really tobacco. Personally, I prefer it over the tobacco varieties. In any case, your shisha should be sticky and moist. Should you happen upon a dry batch or your batch dries up, glazing the dry leaves in honey and letting it sit for about an hour should breathe new life into your tobacco. To prevent having to resort to this, it's advised to store your nargila boxes in the fridge.

Coal Handling
Whenever handling a coal it's important to use a set of coal tongs (for obvious reasons).
Avoid smoking the hookah while quick light coals are in the process of lighting. The smoke the let out is quite unpleasant.
To light a new coal, just put a new coal on top of the lit one and blow gently. It should catch in no time.
If you're transitioning to a new coal, you may want to keep you old coal on for a bit until the new one reaches full heat. Pay special attention to the flavor of the smoke. If you notice it becomes harsher, you're burning your coals too hot and that's your cue to remove one.
It's normal to go through 2-3 coals depending on the size of the bowl, quality of the coals, moisture of the tobacco, etc.
Start your coal on the edge of the bowl and gradually, over the process of the full smoking session, shift it around the entire perimeter of the bowl. This will ensure a full and pleasant burn of your tobacco. Leaving the coal in the middle for the entire session will lead to a charred center bowl and an unburnt circumference. On top of that, the tobacco is more likely to heat up past the optimal temperature and produce a harsher smoke

Preparing the Hookah

Fill the vase with water
Wet the rubber gaskets of the stem, connect the stem to the vase and twist it a bit to form a good seal.
Connect the hose to the stem and, again, twist it a bit to form a good seal.
Wet the gasket of the bowl and twist it on.
Fill the bowl with tobacco and cover it in foil as if you were wrapping a serving bowl of food.
With a fork or tooth pick, punch a few holes in the aluminum.
Light the coal and set it on the foil
Let the coal sit for 30 seconds.
Start smoking the shisha.
As you draw, the smoke will gradually get thicker.
When the air filled part of the vase turns opaque with smoke, you know your hookah's smoking at full capacity.

Filling the vase:
Since the water in the vase is what's going to be filtering and cooling your smoke, it should come as no surprise that altering the contents will lead to new flavors and a better smoke. Firstly, the colder the water the better. You can even add ice to the vase and/or put it in the freezer. Cold water makes a thicker and cooler smoke. Instead of water, you can choose to put in a variety of liquids like wine, coffee, juice, spirits, milk. Of all of them, the most successful for me has been some cold juice with a few sprigs of mint. One thing that's great about shisha is that you can fine tune the recipe to produce your signature tobacco/liquid blend.

Filling the bowl:

The tobacco should have a good smell and be very sticky. If you notice it's dried up, just drizzle a bit of honey on it and let it absorb. When you do pack your bowl, pile the tobacco down and gently press down. Your mound should rise slightly above the level of the lip of the bowl. Cover it with a piece of aluminum and poke holes in the foil with a fork, toothpick or any fine poking device.

Cleaning

Vase
Hookah vases tend to be in intricate shapes and are almost always a chore to clean. Sure, the dummies solution is to pop it in the dishwasher but, since the opening is so narrow in comparison to the rest of the vase, the inside won't receive a steam bath at best. If you actually want to get you vase clean and not gross your friends out with crap floating in your hookah water, you'll head to a place where you'll go to a kitchen store and look for one of those bendable scrubbing sticks for wine decanters. The poor man's solution is to put a small handful of uncooked rice in your bowl along with two cups of hot, soapy water. Shake and swirl your vase up like a lychee martini. The rice should act as an abrasive that'll scrub the walls.

Bowl
The bowl, being a simple piece of ceramic, can be scrubbed or put in the dishwasher like any other ceramic piece.

Stem
The importance of stem cleanliness is highly underrated. A dirty, sooty stem leads to a less pure, harsher smoke. Put the stem under a hot faucet and let the water run through the length of the stem to remove the loose soot and soften the encrusted layer. Next use a pipe brush to remove all the crap from the inside.Hose
Unless you know for a fact your hose is washable, it probably isn't. Running water through the inside could crack the rubber. Instead, blow as hard as you can through the hose while rapidly block and unblocking the end.

Tongs
Pop ‘em in the dishwasher. Shame on you for making me explain that.

Shisha Etiquette
Shisha, unlike cigarette smoking, is a social event. While your typical Tau Bro Phi probably won't know a thing about any sort etiquette associated with smoking nargila, if you find yourself in a Middle Eastern shisha lounge (or country) it's expected that you respect a certain level of decorum. Here are the basic rules you should keep in mind:

The hookah bong is built tall for a reason. It's meant to be placed on the floor next to you, not on the table. Putting it on the table is seen as a form of idol worship - a no-no in a monotheistic culture.

Never pass the hose hand to hand. Rest in on the table to the next person in rotation and rotate the hookah if need be.

If it's your turn with the hose, don't rest it on the table unless your passing it. It's seen as rude to not let others smoke just so you can take a breather while the tobacco's still smoking. Either puff or pass.

On the flip side of rule #2, it's rude to hurry a person with the hose or ask that he pass it. Basically it's a mutually understood manner that one person won't delay too long and the others won't pressure him. It's all for the sake of preserving the friendly, relaxed atmosphere.

Don't think that just because people are smoking, it's okay for you to light up a cigarette. There's something to be enjoyed about the mellow, fruity aroma of the nargila in the air.

And that's all she wrote. It may sound like an intricate process but it's all really common sense. It's just the close attention to detail that separates the truly enjoyable, relaxing smoke experience from the two high school seniors chuffing on ash in their parents' poorly heated garage. Whatever your situation may be, keep in mind that shisha smoking isn't about getting your nicotine fix. It's all about relaxing, socializing with friends, and occasionally just sitting back and enjoying smoke patterns. So take it easy and don't work too hard.

How to Smoke a Tobacco Pipe

2010-01-08T20:23:00.007-05:00

Though it may seem a bit too nostalgic (or downright weird) pipe smoking is starting to make a significant comeback; especially in the 21 - 30 age demographic. Some appeal to the classy/manly look and feel of a pipe as they sit down with a friend, catch up on some reading, or sip some fail-me-not bourbon on the rocks. Others find more appeal in the fact that it is form of smoking that is less harmful than cigarettes. Whatever your reason, your looking to get into pipe smoking. Let's go over some basics.

Tobacco
Pipe tobacco varies greatly from one brand to the next. A good tobacconist will have a big enough selection to help you find exactly what kind of tobacco suits you.
To start off, the are two types of tobaccos you have to choose from- english or aromatic. The generalization is that beginners tend to like the sweet aromatics and more experienced pipe smokers will prefer a more full-bodied english tobacco. You can believe that if you want, but not everyone learns to appreciate Smirnoff Ice before they can enjoy Guiness, if you catch my metaphor. Whatever your preference, it's generally a good idea to find at least one aromatic tobacco you enjoy since, in a case where you find yourself smoking in front of others, people tend to like the smoke of aromatics. It's somewhat less intrusive. I've also heard of people hiding their pipe smoking session by using an aromatic tobacco and, afterwards, lighting an incense stick to blend with the smell and fool people into thinking the stick is the source of the odor.

Pipe tool
A pipe tool is super basic and doesn't need to be sophisticated at all. Basically, a pipe tool consists of a tamper, scoop and probe. The tamper is the flat foot used to “tamp” down the tobacco to let the embers spread. The probe is the long poker that’s used for stirring ash and aerating the tobacco. The scoop, through process of elimination and logical semantics, is used to scoop out the “dottle” – the ash and unburnt tobacco.

Filters
A pipe filter is an optional addition to your smoking experience. The filter is a piece of either cotton with carbon in it or balsa wood. Filters advertise that they absorb many of the carcinogens in the smoke. Along with that, the filter will also absorb some of the steam let off by the burning tobacco; leading to a cooler, drier smoke. Filters may also be something you'd want to try if you find yourself in the possession of a pipe that, all too often, begins gurgling from a moisture buildup.

Packing your pipe
This is where skill comes into play. Many people won't pack a pipe properly and might have an experience that discourages them from continuing. A properly packed pipe is like writing a short story. If you structure it properly and are conscious about the subtle details, you'll be drawn in with an intriguing introduction, held in place by a consistently enjoyable journey and, finally, be left satisfied with the gradual conclusion.
The predominant method of packing a pipe is the "Child, mother, father method." In this method, you grab your first pinch of tobacco, put it into the bowl of your pipe, and press it down gently with your finger - as a child would. Your next pinch of tobacco is put into the bowl and stuffed in with a press firmer than before. The third, and final, pinch of tobacco is placed into your bowl and pressed down firmly. By doing this, you're packing your bowl with layers of firmness that ensure a pleasant, even smoke.

Lighting your pipe
There are three main devices you can use to light your pipe. As with anything some tools are better suited for the job than others.

Matches: best - matches impart the perfect heat to the bowl. If your tobacco is burnt at too high of a heat, the smoke will be stingy and unpleasant. Matches tend to burn at relatively cool temperature. One thing to always remember is to let the match burn out the head before you bring it to the bowl. You don’t want the sulfuric, phosphoric properties of the match head affecting your smoke.

Butane lighter: Good – If you find yourself in a situation without matches, a butane lighter will do fine. Zippo makes a specialized pipe lighter that can be turned sideways and still have flame exposed below (see pic). Other lighters have a little extension that points the flame downwards. These are both just to make life easier for you.

Jet lighter: Worst – A jet-style lighter is probably the worst thing you could use to light your pipe. Your tobacco will char and produce a smoke that will scorch your tongue. If a jet lighter is all you have, then just don’t smoke. It’s like adding orange juice to your cereal because you don’t have milk. There is no possible reason to be using a jet lighter.

Whichever device you use to light, always keep the flame just above the tobacco and move it in a circular pattern while drawing in. The initial light is actually called a “false light.” The top layer of tobacco will light and puff up. The puffing up means the rest of the bowl won’t light. That’s why, after every initial light, you have to tamp the tobacco down and re-light to make sure you have a nice, last, even light.

It’s completely normal to have to relight your pipe 2-3 times throughout your smoke, the ash buildup tends to choke the embers of oxygen. Use your probe to gently stir and collapse the layers of ash then have another pass with your lighter/match.

Concluding the Experience
When your smoking experience is done, simply empty out the contents of the bowl using the scoop and let your pipe rest for about 24 hours before smoking again. For the first smoke, it’s especially important to let the pipe rest since it’s still being broken in. Also, for a new pipe, go very light on the scoop tool. Try not to scratch the walls of the bowl. You’re trying to buildup a carbon “cake” on the wall so as to give the bowl a bit of a burn protection layer for future lights.

As with most hobbies, you should invest in quality equipment for when you first start. Sure you can cut your spending to under $20 if you buy Captain Black and a pipe from China but that $20 is a complete waste if you end up having a bad experience and get turned off pipe smoking all together. Cheap tobaccos taste crappy. Cheap pipes can have a hot smoke, be prone to gurgling, have loose seals, break easily (happened to me), and even stain your hands with their varnish.

Anyone can buy a pack of cigarettes from a gas station and get their quick nicotine fix. Pipe smoking is about something completely different. It’s about appreciating smoke consistency, flavor, intensity, temperature, etc. I hope you enjoy your venture into pipe smoking. Keep it classy and take it easy.

I want to thank PipeFriendCHS for being my professor in Pipe Smoking 101. I recommend checking out his YouTube channel and how-to playlist.

Drinks for Two #8: Rudolph, Your Red-Nosed Uncle

2009-12-18T01:27:00.003-05:00

Thank goodness Christmas is finally here! Nothing like wanton spending to boost our economy. What say we celebrate with a drink? You're finding yourself cozying up with your lovely after the kids are asleep; having a party of two, or maybe wanting to introduce some creative Christmas drinks at your next event. Here are some drinks that are sure to keep the chills away.

You'll have

Irish coffee
1/2 oz. of Kahlua
3/4 oz. Irish Whisky
Fill Coffee
Top with Baileys

Note: the ingredients are mixed in that order. The whisky is lit before the coffee is added. The tricky part is having it still flame while you add the coffee.

She'll have

White (Christmas) Russian
3/4 oz. Vodka
1/2 oz. Kahlua
Fill egg nog

Happy Holidays to you and yours. Good alcohol is my contribution to the evening's merriment. Always drink in moderation while enjoying.

Drinks for Two #7: Channukah Drink Recipes

2009-12-05T10:51:00.005-05:00

Time to celebrate the festival of lights! I hope you're excited to light the candles, spin the dreidel and open presents. Among all the excitement, you can't forget the beverages. Nothing eases a person out of the cold and into a warm atmosphere like a well placed drinks. How about you offer your guests something original and Channukah-related this year? Here are some suggestions for drinks that you can serve that no one will find in any bar.

I'll have:

Saba's Hannukah Gelt

1 oz. Canadian Whiskey

1/2 oz. Peach Schnapps

Fill Orange Juice

Even Saba deserves his gelt on Channukah. Bonus: the vitamin C from the orange juice will keep your immune system charged this (swine) flu season

She'll have a:

Dairy Dream

2 oz. Bailey's

1 oz. Kahlua

Fill Hot Chocolate

Top whipped cream (optional)

This drink, not only keeps you warm and comforted, but it goes along with the tradition of eating dairy on Hannukah. When Jerusalem was under seige, Yehudit (Judith), an attractive widow, seduced the Syrian general and fed him cheese and wine. The following morning, the Syrian army woke up, found the general's head on one of the gates of Jerusalem and fled.

How Marijuana is Safer Than Alcohol

2009-11-15T10:14:00.000-05:00

"Speaking the Truth in times of universal deceit is a revolutionary act." -- George Orwell

The main point of Standard Deviations is to put you ahead of the crowd and put your head above the sea of ignorance in our world. Occasionally, social stigmas are made for political reasons and aren't founded in logic or science. Marijuana is one of those cases. Despite what you may think, dope is actually less dangerous than alcohol in every possible way.

Overdose?

A way of measuring a substance's toxicity is by it's lethal dose (LD). The LD50 is the amount of the given substance that will kill 50% of subjects. The LD50 of THC, according to published papers, is such that 1500 lbs. of marijuana would have to be smoked withing 15 minutes in order to reach the lethal level.

The lethal dose of MJ is approximately 1000 times greater than the effective dose. Meaning you would need to smoke 1000 times the regular amount to make it dangerous. As for alcohol, the lethal dose is 10 the effective dose, making the overdose actually possible.

There has never been a reported case of death by marijuana overdose. In contrast, the CDC reports that approximately 22,000 people die every year in the US of alcohol abuse.

Irreversible side effects

No long term effects of MJ have been found. Despite some studies showing a 7-12% decrease in the size of certain brain areas, these effects were not short term and could not be attributed directly t

o marijuana use.

In contrast, long term alcohol consumption has been linked to and increased risk of developing several types of cancer, cirrhosis of the liver and dementia.

Prohibition Origins

The outlawing of MJ wasn't really based on scientific evidence. It was mostly about false assumptions and racism. The man appointed to be the director of the Bureau of Narcotics was a man named Harry J. Anslinger. What pearls of wisdom does he have for us? Let's pull up some quotes:

“There are 100,000 total marijuana smokers in the US, and most are Negroes, Hispanics, Filipinos, and entertainers. Their Satanic music, jazz, and swing, result from marijuana use. This marijuana causes white women to seek sexual relations with Negroes, entertainers, and any others.”

“Marihuana leads to pacifism and communist brainwashing”
“Marijuana is the most violence-causing drug in the history of mankind.” (OH NO! Pacifism AND violence?)
If it makes so much sense to repeal MJ laws, why isn't it done? Think about it; MJ is more potent than alcohol, not addictive like alcohol, less lethal than alcohol, cheaper than alcohol and isn't able to be taxed. If you were the government, you'd be outside your mind to make MJ legal. We're trying to work our way out of a recession, not dig ourselves deeper.

What it all boils down to is, which discovery from under little Johnny's bed would worry you more? Mary Jane or Jack Daniels? It's not a matter of being liberal or conservative, clean-cut or hippie. Everyone deserves a say and logic should always prevail.

Martial Arts 101: Intro to the most common martial arts in the UFC

2009-10-01T19:10:00.000-04:00

This article is being written in conjunction with my article on how to bet on the UFC (coming soon) but it can also be read as a basic guide to the various popularized martial arts and, hopefully, a guide for an art in which you might one day pursue.

Naturally, if you want to be able to bet on a sport, you have to be familiar with all it's aspects. To my knowledge, no other sport has athletes competing against each other using such vastly different methods and techniques. That's why it's crucial that you study each art and analyze its strengths and weaknesses.

The martial arts of the UFC can be broken down into 2 main categories: striking and grappling. A fighter will either try to knock their opponent out or force them into submission.

Striking

Karate (Shotokan, Kyokushin, Kenpo)

Karate is a Japanese term meaning "empty hand." Essentially, many techniques fall under this category, but the Ones most seen in UFC fights are Kyokushin, Shotokan and Kenpo. Karate is base purely on quick, accurate and powerful strikes using both legs and hands. One thing that should be noted about karate practitioners is their ability to focus, even when being charged, and deliver knockout punches. Chuck Lidell is a great example of this; many times he can get his knockouts while backing out of a flurry of his opponent’s strikes. The lesson to take from this: never underestimate karate’s defense against both rushed striking and grappling clinches.

Boxing

Boxing is a stand up art focused purely on punching. Needless to say, boxers carry devastating punches. They also focus on their footwork and upper body motion which gives them an edge on dodging punches and high kicks. Where they tend to lack experience is in ground work and low kicks. Their emphasis on the upper body might have them forget about the low kicks, making their legs easy to weaken. A boxer with beaten up legs entering a grapple has his odds severely reduced. However, the odds of seeing a MMA fighter with only a boxing background are slim to none unless you're watching a UFC in the single digits. Nowadays, boxers will round themselves out with a grappling art like wrestling or BJJ. Still, even with the grappling, boxers have trouble against legs. Example: Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, fmr. UFC heavyweight champ with a boxing/wrestling background, has been KO'd and TKO'd exclusively by kicks and knees.

Taekwondo

Developed in Korea, Taekwondo is all about kicks. Literally, the name "Taekwondo" translates to "the foot and fist strike art", however kicks dominate the art. In a moment's notice, a TKD artist can deliver a knockout kick straight to the head. Fighters who go mad punching and rarely work on their dodges and dips run the risk of being floored by any number of TKD kicks. Like boxing, I can't think of any fighter who solely relies on TKD for their experience. A TKD fighter will usually have a grappling art under his belt as well (eg. Anderson Silva). Mostly what a TKD experience should tell you is that you can give "kicking proficiency" a big check plus plus on the fighter's profile. When it comes to range, TKD wins hands down. Not only does it emphasize the use of the legs as its primary weapon, but TKD also stresses mobile kicks. To achieve greater range, fighters will move forward as they kick in order to achieve the maximum possible reach advantage. (see video below)

Muay Thai (or Thai Boxing)

Muay Thai is Thailand's kickboxing. Whereas regular kickboxing consist of punches and kicks, MT throws elbows and knees into the mix. Why? 'Cause the Thai are just that much more badass. Knees and elbows are dangerous for two reasons. Firstly, they direct a tremendous amount of force into a relatively small area on the the body, causing devastating damage. Secondly, they allow the fighter, who's already dangerous at long range, to be dangerous at close range and clinch attempts. A grappler who's too slow on his clinch will find himself barraged with a MT expert's knees aimed directly at his face.

Kickboxing

Kickboxing, I assume, needs little explanation. Basically, it's boxing with kicks thrown into the mix. The result is a fighter who will wear his opponent down with lightning fists then, without notice, deliver a wrecking ball of a kick to the temple. Despite the fact that kickboxing consists of both punches and kicks, it crucial to realize that the majority of KB fighters will favor their legs knockout. Legs have both longer reach and, since they've perfected the accuracy of their kicks, a tibia whipped at an opponents temple will almost always result in a KO. This gives them an edge over fighters using a shorter range technique like boxing.

Grappling

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu (BJJ)

The UFC you know and love was made by the Gracie family purely to show the world that Brazilian Jiu Jitsu kicks the shit out of any other martial art. It just so happens that it did exactly that. For the first few UFCs, BJJ dominated all other fighting styles. Just to show that it wasn't brute force and was actually a flawless technique that was conquering UFC belts, the Gracie family elected that Royce Gracie be the one to fight instead of the older and larger brothers. The logic that if Royce, who was flirting with 180 lbs, could submit any fighter that stepped into the ring with him, then there must be something to this BJJ.

As for the technical side, BJJ is a grappling sport based on gaining a dominant position and, from that position, have the dominant fighter utilize his largest muscle groups, along with his body weight, to exploit the smallest, weakest joints on the opponent and extend them past their normal range of motion to the point that the pain becomes intolerable. The reason this was so successful was that, all the other martial artists that had fought Royce had never before been in such a scenario where they're on their backs on the ground, especially not the boxer (see UFC 1 vid).

Whereas with other martial arts I mentioned that fighters would combine another martial art to get some sort of balance, you will occasionally see fighters coming in with a background heavily saturated in BJJ.

Wrestling (and Greco-Roman Wrestling)

Wrestlers in the UFC have one goal: to slam their opponent on the mat....hard. Wrestlers have the amazing ability to rob their enemy of a center of gravity and bring them down hard. From this point they'll either attempt to submit or, more likely, ground and pound away until either the opponent or ref decides that enough is enough. Ground and pound, you have to realize, is much more dangerous than standing punches. (watch this video).

While the video goes over all the essential benefits of ground and pound, one point that I see as misleading is when they state that G&P seldom leads to a knockout. You can't say that each of Couture's punches are double that of a heavyweight boxer then, in the next sentence, that it seldom leads to a knockout because of "turtling up." Take into consideration that:

a) The opponent cannot move back

b) The fighter's strikes are aided by gravity/body weight

c) The opponent's counterstrikes are weakened by gravity

d) The oppenent's body is absorbing much more shock from the strike since the ground is preventing recoil

The truth of the matter is that ground and pound is lethal and the only reason an announcer would make such a statement is to (poorly) segway into the next topic.

Judo

Judo is meant to be a soft and gentle art. Practitioners (judoka) learn to use the momentum of their opponent against them. It's from judo that sambo, aikido and Brazilian jiu jitsu originated. Judoka have their way of removing their opponents' supporting leg then, when the weight shifts, topple them onto the mat for an unforgiving joint lock. While there are strikes in judo, they're not directed at a knockout; rather, to facilitate an inevitable takedown.

Both

Sambo

An anagram for "self defence without weapons", the Russian Sambo was originally designed as a military self-defence technique. Only later did it become a sport. It includes the fierce strikes of karate, the unbearable submissions of judo and the devastating slams of wreslting. It shouldn't surprise you to see a fighter using a purely sambo background since it is, in itself, a complete MMA fighting style. Weaknesses in sambo practitioners vary from fighter to fighter since, in theory, their style encorporates all factions of UFC fighting. One of the most famous fighters using sambo is Fedor Emilianenko. You won't be seeing him in the UFC, but that's politics I won't get into.

Other arts that are popular but just aren't suited for UFC, for various reasons, include (but aren't limited to):

Aikido, savate, sumo and capoeira

So there you have it, a BRIEF intro to the main martial arts you'll be seeing in the UFC. I stress that these descriptions are neither complete nor is the list exhaustive. If you have any arts you feel are worth mentioning, comment below and I'll add to the list.

Drinks for Two #6: Sleeping Up Appearances

2009-09-02T02:06:00.000-04:00

The night's been wild and unforgettable. You, being your classy self, have managed to keep your date enthralled for hours on end. Suddenly, the words that, without exception, bring a tear to any man's eyes resonate through the thick bar air: "last call" It's time to order your final drink before you get the hell out.

You'll have a:

Bloody Mary/Caesar (extra spicy)

1 1/4 oz. Vodka
Dash salt
Dash pepper
Dash worchestershire
Few dashes tobasco
Dash celery salt
Fill with tomato/clamato juice
(Note: All "dash" ingredients are by taste. 100's of ratios exist)

Read my article on hangovers to learn why this is the perfect final drink.

She'll have a:

Harvey Wallbanger

1 oz. Vodka

1/2 oz. Galliano

Fill orange juice

The more savvy drinkers will quickly realize that this is a screwdriver with galliano (vanilla liqueur). Again, check the hangover post for why OJ and vodka are good. The galliano adds a new twist she might not have tried all while keeping her buzzed for the afterparty (of two) to come.

Drinks for Two #5:I'm a Classhole

2009-08-26T11:00:00.000-04:00

You find yourself at a corporate event in a slightly higher class venue. In attempt to mingle with a slightly higher class crowd, you'd like to order something that comes in cocktail glasses. There's always a chance that your non-screwdriver will strike up conversation; in which case you won't have to awkwardly talk about how unpredictable the weather's been. The following drinks are both traditionally served in cocktail glasses.

You'll have a:

Sidecar

1 1/2 oz. Brandy

1/2 oz. Triple Sec

1 oz. Lemon Juice or Bar mix

She'll have a:

Lychee martini

1 1/2 oz. Vodka
1/2 oz. Soho
1 oz. Lychee Juice

How To Gamble on the UFC: Understanding Betting Lines

2009-08-09T11:56:00.000-04:00

So you've decided that you know enough about The Ultimate Fighting Championship to start backing your word with some cold hard cash. Before you go running to your bookie with a fistful of dollars, it might be worth your while to first learn how the whole system works.

Before we start anything, it's 100% critical that you be familiar with every martial art you may see in the UFC. Gambling successfully is all about what you know. The more you know, the more educated your bet and the better your chances are at winning. I wrote up an intro to the most common martial arts in the UFC, I suggest you take a look. I included a YouTube video with each art so you can get the basic idea.

The following article explains the concept of betting lines and a basic favorite/underdog betting strategy. More will come regularly

Betting lines

Betting lines tell you the odds of your fighter as well as their potential payout. In the American system, you'll see something like this:

Lyoto Machida (-500)

Mauricio Rua (+300)

The numbers and calculations, though they may appear complicated, are actually very simple.

Firstly, + represents an underdog and - represents a favorite.

Underdog betting

In the case of the underdog, the number represents how much money you'd win if you bet $100

ex:

A $100 bet on Rua (+300) would give you a potential winning of $300

-or-

A $15 bet on Rua (+300) would give you a potential winning of $45

I'm a heavy believer in betting on the underdog. Why? Look at the payoff stats. Using these lines as an example, betting the underdog gives me a 300% return. With these potential winnings, I only need to be right 1 out of 3 times to break even. In a series of 3, the odds of me getting 3 wrong when the line is +300 (I'll explain how to calculate odds from the betting line soon) is 42.2%. This means that, in a given series of three +300 lines, there is a 67.8% chance of you breaking even. In contrast, with a line that is -500, like the favorite seen above, the payoff is 20%. With a payoff like that, breaking even means only making 1 mistake out of 6 picks. The odds of you picking 5 winners, even with a -500 line, is 32.6%

Favorite betting

In the case of the favorite, the number represents how much you'd have to bet to win $100

ex:

A $500 bet on Machida (-500) would give you a potential winning of $100

-or-

A $15 bet on Machida (-500) would give you a potential winning of $3

Calculating odds based on lines

For the favorite (-)

(betting line + 100)/Betting line

Ex:

(-500+100)/-500

=-400/-500

=4/5

=80%

For the underdog (+)

100/(betting line + 100)

Ex:

100/(300+100)

=100/400

=1/4

=25%

Drinks for Two #4: I came, I saw, I conked her

2009-08-09T00:30:00.000-04:00

The dance floor is packed, the lights are strobing and the music is pumping at what feels like 300 BPM. You and your date push through the crowd to make your way to the bar. You're both feeling silly and want to order a shot that you wouldn't ask for in front of your mother. Before ordering remember that shots should be ordered in sets of 3 or more. Any less is just a hassle for the bartender to make.

I'll have a:

Red Headed Slut

1/2 oz. Peach Schnapps

1/2 oz. Jaegermeister

1/4 oz. Cranberry Juice

She'll have an:

Abortion

1/2 oz. Bailey's

1/2 oz. Peach Schnapps

1/4 oz. Grenadine

WARNING: If your bartender is some 19 year old bimbo who got hired for little other reason than her rack, you'll just seem like a douche in front of your date when the half-watt behind the bar will have no clue how to make an abortion, red headed slut, juicy pussy, blowjob, porn star, slippery nipple or buttery nipple.

Drinks for Two #3: Let there be night

2009-08-03T11:00:00.000-04:00

You just sat down at a cozy restaurant after a long, relaxing day at the beach. You and your partner both agree you'd like something refreshing while the cool breeze kissing your face brings about a sudden desire for warmth. Getting the best of both worlds is easy if you know what to order:

I'll have a:

Hot Southern Night

3/4 oz. Goldschlager

1/2 oz. Southern Comfort

Fill Cola

The lady will have a:

Killer Kool-Aid

3/4 oz. Vodka

1/2 oz. Melon Liquer

Fill Cranberry Juice

Did you hear the one about the blind prostitute?

Oh, you gotta hand it to her.

Drinks for Two #2: Summer better than others

2009-07-12T11:00:00.000-04:00

Summer's here and you're both looking for something cool and refreshing for sitting outside on a nice terrace.

I'll have a:

Gin Fizz

1 1/2 oz. Dry Gin

1 oz. simple syrup

2 oz. lemon juice

Fill club soda

The lady will have a:

Mojito

1 1/2 oz. White Rum

1 oz. lime juice

2 tbsp. sugar

3 sprigs mint

Fill club soda

The lime juice, mint and sugar get muddled in the glass first and are then topped with the rum and soda.

Drinks for Two #1: Chilling in the name of

2009-07-05T11:00:00.000-04:00

You're having a great time with your date, both enjoying eachother's company. Laughing and joking, you make your way to the bar. The bartender asks what you two will have. She says "get me something I'll like." You panic as you realize you know nothing outside of a rum & coke, screwdriver and vodka martini - shaken not stirred. Clumsily, you try to spot an alcohol behind the bar and think of a juice and spit the two out at the barman.

"Drinks for two" will be an ongoing article giving you ideas what to order yourself and your date as you approach the bar.

I'll have a:

Perfect Manhattan

1 1/2 oz. Canadian Club
1/2 oz. Dry Vermouth
1/2 oz. Sweet Vermouth
2 Dashes Angostura Bitters

The lady will have a:

Windex

3/4 oz. Vodka

1/2 oz. Blue Curacao

1/4 oz Triple Sec

Fill Bar Mix

How to Cure/Avoid a Hangover

2009-07-01T19:38:00.000-04:00

The holy grail of every decent drinking man is the ultimate cure to the anything but elusive hangover. By "decent" drinking I don't mean the 3 Smirnoff Twisteds you slurp down while watching figure skating with your gal pals. I'm talking about the kind of drinking that would get Dracula smashed off your life juice. It's the kind of drinking that makes you swear off alcohol for life...then has you crawling back a week later. I had a look (and try) at all the popular remedies, here's what works and why:

Black coffee the next morning - Not Effective. While I don't particularly enjoy my coffee black, it is helpful. In my

opinion, it doesn't have to be coffee. It just has to be strong in caffeine. Alcohol shrinks your red blood cells when it enters your blood stream. Once it leaves, your blood vessels re-expand causing severe discomfort. Caffeine, like alcohol, also has the ability to constrict your blood vessels. Doing so relieves the discomfort caused by the rapid expansion. The reason this only works slightly is because the relief is fleeting. Coffee, being a diuretic, causes your body to lose even more fluids. When your lacking fluids as it is, draining out even more won't help your cause. Stay away from the caffeine.

Multivitamin - Somewhat effective. Vitamin C and Vitamin B both help the body break down and metabolize the alcohol that' s been suddenly introduced into your system. A multivitamin will also replace some minerals lost in the drinking process. A simple vitamin isn't hard to obtain or ingest and it's just a good habit to take your daily vitamin.

Tall glass of water before bed - Very effective. The main reason for your hangover is because of dehydration. A night of binge drinking drains your body of it's vital water. Forcing yourself to drink a full glass of water ensures that your body won't become a California raisin overnight.

Advil - Not effective. Any pain relief is quite temporary. Also, you have a chance of upsetting your already sensitive stomach and making the situation worse for yourself.

Choose vodka - Somewhat effective. Earlier I mentioned that the main cause of the hangover is dehydration. The second cause is the methyl alcohol you ingested. While ethyl alcohol is the good type that gets you drunk, methyl alcohol is the toxic type that will cause you to go blind and, eventually, kill you. Vodka, by nature, is voided of as many impurities as possible. Also the finer the vodka, the better the filtration, meaning less methyl to give you a hangover. Next time it comes to choosing between your fifth Jaeger bomb or a Ketel One with lime cordial....you know where to go, Boris.

Eat a juicy fruit before bed - Somewhat effective. Again, this follows the principle of rehydrating yourself as well as replacing lost nutrients. Also, drained in the drinking process are your blood sugars. A juicy, sweet pair before bed should help keep your blood sugar level within range through the night.

Ginseng - Not effective. Your local Chines herbal remedy store owner might be quick to prescribe ginseng for your morning-after cranial contractions but don't fall for it. Ginseng, like coffee, is a diuretic and will have you even more dehydrated than before.

Bloody Mary - Effective. Mrs. B Mary has her way of replenishing drained vitamins and mineral, reshrinking blood vessels and rehydrating the body slightly. There is good reason why the Bloody Mary is the classic hangover recipe. I like to add extra Tabasco because not only do spicy foods make you feel full quicker (read my article on slimming foods), but it also speeds up your metabolism, helping your body burn off the unwelcomed alcohol.

Exercise - Effective. A quality exercise will bring cleansing oxygen to your lungs, loosen your stiffened muscles and return proper blood flow to all the areas that need it. While a good workout can do wonders for your hangover, the wrong movements at the wrong pace at the wrong intensity will just make your throbbing head and achy muscles much worse. There are a few important things to remember when choosing your routine. Before you do anything, drink heaps of water. Your body is dehydrated and you're about to sweat out even more water.

Don't do movements that involve compressing your body. This will sporadically raise your blood pressure and will cause added nausea
Don't lower your head past your heart. The blood rushing to your head will put unneeded pressure on the blood vessels and will amp up that incessant throbbing
Opt for light, low impact workouts like yoga, ellipse machine or light weight/high rep workouts
Give yourself a slow, proper stretch before and after your workout. The last thing you want is to add cramping to the list of why your body is killing you.
Take frequent sips of water. Remember, you're still on the red line for dehydration
Some laps in the pool could be the ideal relaxing, low impact workout if your able to do so.

Drinking lime juice - Not Effective. Apparently this helps with your blood sugar level and vitamine c. In my opinion it's too little too late.

Berocca - Not Effective. For those who don't know, Berocca is a tablet made by Bayer that's said to prevent or relieve hangovers. Essentially, Berocca is some vitamin C and Bs. A multivitamin with a glass of spicy V8 will do a much better job.

Of course, the #1 cure prevention for a hangover, which never fails, is don't stop drinking ;)

I encourage you to message me with other hangover preventions/remedies you've heard of. I'd like to take a look into them. Until next time, have fun, party hard and know that everyone around you would prefer your half digested food remain inside your stomach, so moderation is key. Lates, sucka.

Top 10 Breakup Songs

2009-06-11T21:52:00.000-04:00

So you've called it off with your sweetheart and you're generally down in the dumps. You just can't bring yourself to listen to the hip-hop or rap you used to. You're not feeling G or like dancing at a club. You just feel like boiled shit and you want your music to acknowledge how you're feeling. I've been there too, champ. It bones. Being the nice guy I am, the following is 10 songs you might enjoy listening to now.

I Hate You – Sick Puppies

There’s not much to explain about this song. It’s sometimes just a cathartic release to keep saying “I hate you.”

Quotable line: “I know you think you hate me but I will always hate you more.”

I Hate Everything About You – Three Day’s Grace

It’s weird suddenly hating someone you’ve loved for so long. It’s a mix of emotions that makes the next few days and weeks a roller coaster of emotions.

Quotable line: “All the feelings that I get, but I still don’t miss you yet”

Just – Radiohead

At a certain point, enough is enough. You have to get up, brush off the dust and get back into the game. After a while, she’s out of the equation and the only reason your down in the dumps is that you’re so full of self-pity that it cripples you. You do it to yourself.

Quotable line: “You do it to yourself, you do, and that's what really hurts”

Song for the Dumped – Ben Folds Five

Here’s another song that doesn’t need explanation. It’s a little lighter and upbeat…but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a bitch.

Quotable line: “So you wanted to take a break, slow down and have some space…well fuck you too”

Tearing Away – Drowning Pool

At the end of the day, you’re the only one who matters. If someone can’t help you make money or feel good about yourself, they’re useless to you and don’t merit your attention.

Quotable line: “I don’t care about anyone else but me.”

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing – Jack Johnson

Sometimes the best guys get paired up with the shittiest types of girls. You try to make it work and you bend over backwards for her, but she can’t appreciate it and never changes or commits. There are better people for you to devote your time.

Quotable line: “I can’t always be waiting on you.”

Only – Nine Inch Nails

Infatuation causes us to see what we want to see and not what’s really there. You try so hard to convince yourself that your girl is great but eventually you come to grips that she’s actually a waste of tampons and all her positive features are just figments of your imagination. Sorry about the attached video. I’m not big on the fan-made videos but this is the only uncensored version I found on YouTube and, I’m sorry, but the line “There is no fucking you” was just too crucial. A silence just adds an annoying pause and implies an unfitting inhibition.

Quotable line: “…you were never really real. I just made you up to hurt myself”

The Pot – Tool

The title, in my opinion, has a double meaning. Firstly, it’s based around the expression “the pot calling the kettle black”, whereas “the pot” represents an annoying hypocrite. Secondly, with all the marijuana references in the song, “the pot” can also be the drug abuse that would explain a person running their mouth with contradicting hypocritical bullshit. After an argument, you think back to all the stupid shit she said and how her actions blatantly contradict them. Ignorant bitch.

Quotable line: “Foot in mouth and head up ass-hole. Whatcha talkin' 'bout?”

Friend is a Four Letter Word – Cake

“Four letter word” is an expression that means a swear word. Most swears tend to be four letters (shit, piss, fuck, cunt, dick, tits). Sometimes the offer to be friends is so much of an insult that “friend” might as well be a four-letter word.

Quotable line: “I'm really only praying that the words you'll soon be saying might betray the way you feel about me.

Whiskey Hangover – Godsmack

Sometimes that breakup just throws you into that self-destructive downward spiral. Fuck off, it happens to the best of us. You go ahead and grow that stubble, loosen the tie and have a gritty conversation with Mr. Jack D.

Quotable line: “so what if i never wanna be sober? So what if i wanna be numb all the time?

Honorable Mentions:

Save Yourself - Stabbing Westward
Saviour - Rise Against
Peices - Sum 41
Dry Your Eyes - The Streets

Goodnight, Goodnight - Hot Hot Heat (thanks sis!)

So there you have it - ten songs to help you with a breakup. For better or for worse, everything passes. I hope some of these tunes help you out. Be good.

Shaken, Not Stirred

2009-06-10T01:16:00.000-04:00

So I just heard about this Dr. Oetker muffin shaker. Apparently it's this container half filled with muffin mix. You fill the rest with either water or milk and shake then pour into your muffin tray. The muffins have 0 trans fats and are a good source of fiber. I can't help but wonder what would happen if one would decide to partially substitute the milk with Baily's Irish Cream. The result would probably be some kickass muffins that would be the hit of the party. Given the ease of making the muffins, you could probably make them when you're already 3 drinks in.

Usually I'd be against lazyness, but this is a pretty good timesaving idea.

Making muffins always makes a powdery mess, then a goopy mess and dirties a mixing bowl & spoon. This way, all the mess is contained into one small jug that just gets thrown away at the end. You couldn't ask for less hassle. I would say it's the best for whipping up a breakfast of champs. Preparing muffin batter while working on other things could be a time consuming hassle. I think I'd much rather the shake 'n' pour routine....since I'm a lot better than you, you should do the same.

How to Properly Drink a Beer

2009-06-09T23:16:00.000-04:00

While it seems like a simple enough chore, you'd be surprised how many people screw up the task of prepping a standard beer. I'm not talking about the gallons of beer you think you can consume in a keg stand with all your (imaginary) friends cheering you on. I'm talking about the hearty beer you have when you come into a warm pub on a dark and snowy night. I'm talking about that thirst-killing, chilled beer you enjoy on a restaurant terrace on the day when thermometers start sweating. Those are the beers for which you take every measure to fully enjoy. Here are some tips of which you might not hav known that'll ensure you get the most out of your beer.

Handling

Before we get into the serving part, we have to discuss you handling your beer. While beer is the hearty drink of men, as an alcohol it’s very sensitive. There are very strict precautions that need to taken in order to fully enjoy the drinking experience. Beer easily degrades in quality from every factor imaginable. Beer needs to be treated like a hemophiliac; limit shaking, light, heat, sudden cold, dust.

Light Exposure

Minimize your beer's exposure to light. Beer is in a brown bottle to reduce the light getting in. Corona's clear bottle is purely aesthetic since it allows more light to get it and potentially skunk your beer faster. Be extra careful with the clear ones.

Agitation

Go easy on the speed bumps as you and your man-date, Craig, blaze through 5th avenue in your Jetta. Unlike Craig, the beer doesn't appreciate being jerked around. The last thing you want is your beer to go flat within 30 seconds of opening.

Cool Storage

Different beers are best served at different temperatures. Your lighter pale ales will be fine on a cellar floor. Spicier, darker stouts are served at room temperature so that you can fully appreciate all the aromas. Making the beer as cold as possible just dulls all the flavors by numbing your palate and inhibiting aroma. While that may be cool for the frat party you'll never remember, it's not favorable when sampling a quality beer.

Glassware:

Choosing the proper glassware for your beer is the first crucial step. Not all beers are best flaunted in the same glass. Firstly, make sure the glass is super clean and free from any settled dust. Any impurities will make the beer go flat faster as well as degrade the flavor.

Pilsner, flute - Tall & slender. Best for light ales. Slim shape holds a head as well as carbon dioxide

Pint Glass, chalice, goblet, tulip - Wide & Tall. Best for dark beers. Large surface allows for a better palate spread and aromas

Pouring

A lot of bars will serve you your beer in a chilled glass and you, being a novice drinker, don’t know that a sudden change in temperature will “shock” your beer. If you’re planning on enjoying a quality ale, colder seldom means better. Under 11 degrees, the flavors of your beer get dulled out. The myth of the cold, refreshing, quality beer was most probably created by commercial beer companies who tried to find a way of reducing the quantity of ingredients without their clientele noticing.

When pouring from a tap, hold the glass straight until a nice little head forms. The second it does, tilt your glass 45 degrees to allow the beer being poured in to slide under the head you created.

Should you be served a bottle and a glass, never simply opt to drink from the bottle because it's "more comfortable." Firstly, your bottled beer was meant to be poured out. It's over carbonated in the bottle. Drinking it straight won't allow you to enjoy the proper flavor of your beer. It'll also cause you to be quite gassy because due to the excess carbon dioxide. It's especially important to make good use of your glass when you have a very large bottle of beer. The constant up and down of the bottle will give you a very flat 2nd half of a beer. Instead, fill your glass and let the large bottle sit still so as not to encourage unneeded fizz release.

Mixing beer

I don’t assume that, when you buy beer, you’re buying a case of imports. I know you and your frat buddies are getting two-fours of Coors Light, Budweiser and Labatt Bleue. What happens when the ladies (or the effeminate men of Phi Alpha Gamma) come over? How do you make your commercial beers enjoyable to people not downing them in a keg stand? Making beer cocktails is quite easy since the preparation is minimal and the results are quite novel.

Fuzzy Peach – Add a shot of peach schnapps to your light beer
Beer Buster – Add a shot of vodka and a few dashes of Tabasco
Mexicano – Add tawny or dark tequila to your Corona
Boiler Maker - Add a shot of whiskey to your Amber Ale
Black Velvet - Add a 2 shots of cider to your Guinness

The rest is up to you. Drink slowly, try to enjoy every aspect of the beer. Let it hit all your taste buds, your palate and pay attention to the aftertaste. Happy drinking, Sucka.

007 Mixology

2009-06-09T01:00:00.000-04:00

James Bond always orders his trademark vodka martini, shaken not stirred. This is quite an unusual request considering an alcohol-only drink never gets shaken. Bond is aiming for 2 things when ordering this drink. Firstly, the drink will come out extra chilled so that the alcoholic sting of the vodka is muted. Secondly, shaking the alcohol in ice dilutes it slightly. This too will make the drink a bit milder and make it a bit easier to sip casually.

Phrases I Will Always Hate

2009-06-01T13:46:00.000-04:00

"I grew up with X older brothers"

This is something girls will say to prove to a guy they're tough. It's pretty much the female equivalent of "I grew up on the streets, yo" Since they've been hardened through years of sibling rivalry, now they can take on any guy's gestures and even physical aggression, to an extent. News flash, your brothers aren't an accurate representation of the guys you'll run into on the streets. Your brothers essentially protect you and, unless you live in Idaho, aren't looking to fuck you at any chance they get. Just because you come from a jock family and you wear a

sports bra 24/7, doesn't mean you've in any way proven yourself to be tough.

"Guess what!"

A lamer segway into a 20-minute monologue about yourself couldn't be uttered. I'm obviously not going to "guess what." There are an infinite number of things that could've happened to you in your meaningless life and you clearly don't intend on waiting as I go through the long list of things that I couldn't care less about (got a new bf, broke up with a bf, what you ate, who you saw, what your bowel movements look like). One thing that always bugs me is that, like the naive (yet attractive), stud I am, I always think that there's a chance that the "what" of which I'm guessing has to do with me. I think to myself "maybe today, by some fluke, this affects me in some way." Unfortunately, I get disappointed each time and my hate for the line grows deeper. My punishment - watching you flap your sausage lips, for what feels like an eternity, about something that interests me less than One Tree Hill, lacrosse, wooden dowels, Orlando Bloom, etc. etc.

"X nights ago, I had like Y shots of tequila"

Of all the pathetic attempts to impress me with something, this has to be the worst and most generic of all. It's funny, it's not only guys that will say this. I once thought it was all about being macho, but chicks will also try to impress with their alcohol tolerance. You walk a fine line when you tell me about how many shots you can take. If you tell me a number between 1-9, I won't be impressed. If you tell me a number that's 10 or greater, I won't believe you. The mathematicians reading this will quickly notice that there's no number that would actually merit a favorable response from me. That's because, no matter what you say, I'll think your a dipshit for even wasting my time with something I care so little about.

"I don't drink (insert alcohol type) anymore."..."Not after last time..." OR "It doesn't agree with me..."

What possible benefit could be derived from that? I assume you're, once again, trying to segway into a lame story about yourself at some other party which I care nothing about. Not only will your story make me want to take a bullet OUT of a gun and force it through your temple, but it'll most probably deter me from ever offering you a drink since you have a history of going overboard and you have an irritating tendency of repeatedly bringing it up.

Any alcohol you insert into the blank will label you as a tool except one - vodka. Telling people that you can't drink vodka labels you as a completely useless waste of space and air. Why? Because unlike alcohols like brandy, rum, whiskey, etc. vodka is completely flavorless. It's pure alcohol cut with water. The finer a vodka is, the less impurities it contains. So in essence, what you're saying is you can't drink alcohol. Period. If you something more ignorant could be said in a bar, I'm curious to know what. Until such time, you deserve a swift knee to the groin every day for being the village idiot.

"What do you bench?"

I challenge anyone to find a better way of saying "I'm a huge douche and know nothing about weight lifting" in 4 words or less. Since when has a person's bench pressing capacity demonstrated their strength or fitness savvy in any way? If you don't have enough knowledge to make small talk about exercise - don't. Stick to what you know. Do you see me asking you how much horsepower your cup holder has? If you should happen to be naturally gifted with a McConaughy-like physique, opening your mouth with such a stupid statement deflates any credibility you might've had in the fitness realm and immediately thrusts you into the brain dead jock category.

Smiling: The second best thing you can do with your lips

2009-02-16T21:29:00.000-05:00

One crucial piece of equipment necessary in getting your way is a simple smile. It seems a bit too naive, but a good smile gets you better service at restaurants, gets you noticed at parties, or even prevent a fight. When an animal shows its teeth in the wild, it either means it's prepared to fight (in the case of wolves) or it's afraid and submitting (apes). In the case of modern man, it's actually a mixture of both.In the battlefield that is our social playground, your smile is your trusty field knife. It's always handy for something if you can use it properly.

Dropping defence

When you first engage in a conversation with another human, it's important to greet with a smile. If you go from your default idle face to a smile, your subject suddenly feels a lot less intimidated by you and the likelyhood of a hostile interaction is greatly reduced. When people have their defences down, in this sense, they are more likely to take orders from you and are less likely to impede your progress. After your initial smile, don't hold the dumb grin on your face. Holding a smile let's everyone around you know that you feel awkward and nervous and the smile loses its potency.

Greasing the Gears

“If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work”

-George Carlin

In situations where you might be asking an individual to go beyond his requirement of self-preservation, it's necessary to confuse them somewhat in order to increase the likelihood of them agreeing with your request. To do this, first look at your target in the eye. This initial look is intimidating and, to an extent, flusters the mind and prevents proper focus. The next step is to, without breaking eye contact, flash those pearly whites. This gives your confused subject a comforting feeling and a general good impression of what you're saying. Not only is your subject partially impaired from thinking about your statement in a fully rational and critical sense but, thanks to your sparkly grin, he's also given a positive emotion about the conversation before he can fully understand it. When used properly, there's no limit to what the smile-gaze combo will get you.

Arming yourself the Teeth

Keeping your smile potent is extremely important if you want to yield maximum results. There are some basic guidelines to maintaining an effective and appealing smile.

Always have a chapstick on hand - You'd be surprised how often you use a chapstick when it's on hand. Cracky, bleeding lips won't charm a donkey

Use a good toothpaste - Toothpaste is something you definitely don't want to be penny pinching. The difference between a crappy toothpaste and a good quality one is a couple of bucks but the difference is astronomical. Look around for the shiniest, most futuristic looking package. That one with the little whitening strips in the paste is just tits. Leave an extra tube of toothpaste and toothbrush in the shower. If you're doing something that requires fresh smelling arm pits, it's guaranteed to also require fresh breath.

Floss Picks - Starchy foods tend to get stuck in your molars and between your teeth. In case you weren't aware, decomposing food has a nasty habit of smelling like shit. Having some of those floss/pick hybrids in the car will help you pick some of the smile-comprimising fecal matter out from between your teeth when you have a free moment.

Diffusing a Bomb

Should you find yourself in a hostile encounter, a smile can be the difference between a pleasant pat on the back or a boot up the arse. When a hostile situation is in the making, beguiling the sad fancy into smiles and pointing out the absurdities of the situation will, most likely stop a guy from needing to show off his manly skills and throw you a 1,2 knockout. I'll write about body language for avoiding the fight, but for now we're discussing the smile only. The most important part of this smile is actually your eyes. The difference between a face smile and a real smile is that, in a real smile, the muscles around you eyes (orbicularis oculi) contract. This is what squints your eyes. Why do you need to know this? Eye gaze is a very intimidating and palpable thing. Squinting your eyes to reduce this reduces the intimidation factor and decreases the odds of the first punch being thrown your way. In return, it also hides your eyes from signalling when and were you will be punching, should you decide to do so.

“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

-Greta Garbo

How To Incorporate Exercise Into Your Daily Life

2009-01-03T06:40:00.000-05:00

The New Year has passed and I can tell that at least 50% of my readers want to lose weight for the new year. Yes, the gyms will love you guys. You'll sign up and get motivated and show up 3 times a week for the month of January. However, over the next 3 months, you'll start to slow down and eventually not go. You might even wait a month before canceling your membership. That's pure loss on your part and an easy gain on the gym part. Why does this always happen? The odds are stacked against you. Winter is a cold, dark time of the year. Our bodies physiologically respond to these changes by reducing energy output, consuming more food and sleeping longer. Why? This is basically a defense mechanism. Your body is trying to build up fat and body mass. Instead of using your energy towards exercise, your body is desperately trying to preserve the organs in case of a freezing famine. The more you try to fight your natural instincts, the less your chance is of winning. Pushing yourself to go to the gym after work when it's very dark and cold isn't likely to be a ritual that will last long. The more you manage to integrate exercise into the daylight hours when you're body knows to be active, the better results your see. The following is a list of ways you'll be able to shed those New Years resolution pounds without perturbing your schedule.

Ankle Weight

A good set of ankle weights fits discretely under most pants. They're probably the most crucial item on this list. They allow for a lot of leg toning to be done during the day. While sitting at your desk, try lifting your legs off the ground. Hover them over the ground for as long as you can. It's those kind of long exercises with light weights that'll give you the lean tone for which you might be looking.

Opt For Stairs

When you have a choice between stairs and escala

tors, go for the stairs. Sounds like a no brainer, right? There is, however, a catch. Since you're not likely to be walking up 2 km of stairs every day, you're going to make the steps you do walk up a bit more intense. Step using only your toes on the ledge of each step. The sole of your foot should be parallel to the ground and yur heel should be floating in the air. Keep your back straight so that the weight of your body is above your ankle. Walking up the stairs in this way gives your calves a great workout. I promise you'll feel the burning sensation on a tall set of stairs.

Sprint Has Sprung
Should you find yourself having to cover a relatively long distance, sprint it. Don't worry about how you look. People will just assume you're just late for a class or a meeting. A five minute sprint once a day will contribute more to your stamina than a 20 minute jog. Remember to use your best judgement when deciding on your sprint location. Sprinting in a parking lot, for example, might get result internal bleeding when a teen driver hits you when he zips around the corner in the Mazda 3 mommy and daddy just bought him.

Wii Will Rock You

You don't need WiiFit to turn your Wii experience into a full workout. Wii fit is simply a marketing ploy. Yes, it could open your game experience to new motions, but you definitely don't need it for a workout. Remember the ankle weights I ordered you to buy? Now try attaching them to your wrists and playing your favorite Wii game. Depending on your motions, your Wii gaming session turns into a workout for your biceps, triceps, deltoids, forearms, pectorals, etc. If you want better comfort, you could always spring for writ weights, but that's optional. Two games I recommend for this are the Wii Boxing (part of the Wii sports package) and Dragonball Budokai Tenkaichi 2. Both require heavy, rapid hand motion.

Butt cracker

It doesn't matter whether you're a guy or girl, the opposite race will check out your ass. It's pretty much a given. Working out your butt is probably the easiest and most descrete workout you can perform. While your sitting in you office or in class, clench your butt for about 5 seconds then release for 2. Each time you do this it's called a repetition or "rep". You should be doing 10 reps at a time. This group of 10 reps is called a "set." You should

try to do about 3-4 sets in a session. As you progress, try upping the 5 seconds of clenching to 7-10. I realize that all this may sound stupid, but you know what's even more stupid? Watching your jiggly butt speed down the water slide at mach 3 while the lifeguard can't decide whether he's seeing 2 pigs trapped in a hammock or your road map of cellulite.

Tip: An easy way to remember your the repition you're working on is to count the seconds in your head like this:
"1,2,4,5

2,2,3,4,5
3,2,3,4,5

4,2,3,4,5 etc."

All in Stride

Whenever you get up and walk, whether it be to your next class or to the photocopier machine, push yourself to and just a bit more distance to your stride. Not so much that it looks like a Monty Python sketch (see below) but enough to add an extra 10 cm to your stride. Not only will you find that you walk faster, but you'll also feel the burn in your larger leg muscles.

Big Balls

One of the more popular workouts, for people who are sitting at an office desk all day, is to sit on a fitness ball instead of a chair. Sitting on the ball forces you to use your core muscles to balance yourself. This should slowly chip away at that gut and those love-handles that threaten to ruin the way you'll look in by in the upcomcoming swimsuit season. If you feel silly bringing one of these to work, that's fine. You can keep it in your TV room and use it while you watch your evening lineup.

The most important thing to remember about all these workouts is that, while they're a means to a goal, you'll never stop doing them. All these things are simple and easy because they're lifestyle changes. This is how you're going to live from now on. While this may sound a tad grim, it's really not because, once you get the body you want, you're acheiving your goal every day. When you look into the mirror and like what you see, that's a reward. As long as you continue to stick with these lifestyle changes, you'll continue to be rewarded and every day will be another day in which you're acheiving your goal. Good luck to everyone who's decided to lose weight in '09. Check out my other weight loss articles for other diet and psychology tips to enhance your weight loss:

http://standeviations.blogspot.com/2008/07/how-to-curb-your-appetite.html

http://standeviations.blogspot.com/2008/07/lose-weight-with-little-effort.htm l

Brightstorm - almost as good as beating your teen

2009-01-02T20:09:00.000-05:00

If there's one thing I can't stand it's a dumb teenager. Their parents consider driving their kids to hockey in an Escalade and buying them a Wii Fit as good parenting. Unfortunately, your job as a parent doesn't end just because Timmy's sugar rush died down and he's not smoking pot yet. It's your job to make your kid the smartest in the class. Unless you live in community-oriented semi-communist tribe, the world is highly competitive and, in order to be successful, your kid needs to every advantage he/she can get. I've seen too many of my classmates in high school flunk certain key classes and it ruined, what would have been, a very promising program in college. That's why you have to start now. There's an site called Brightstorm. It's a full video tutorial system that'll help your flunking teen with all the high school subjects of your choice. It's relatively inexpensive ($49 per course) and, in my opinion, totally worth it. Even now, I'm searching YouTube if they just might have the topic with which I'm having trouble. With Brightstorm there's no risk. Just sit your teen in front of the comp and for half an hour, instead of looking up porn, you kid will learn geometry from a teacher who was born this century, using dynamic illustrations that are much better than the usual drilling and grilling from the textbook.

How to Find Deals on the Web

2009-01-02T17:01:00.000-05:00

So you're the type of person that will spend an extra day shopping around just to save a couple of bucks and, when you do, you feel so proud of yourself. Do I have you pegged? Of course I do. I'm the all-knowing. Whenever you see an item in the store you say to yourself: "Meh, I can get it for half the price online. The only problem is that, even though it is online. You can't find it and you never end up getting that item. Well that's all about to change now that I teach you the ways of the cyber bargain hunter.

1) Deal Extreme - Your first rule for finding that random trinket you just have to have is checking Deal Extreme. There you'll find cheap items direct from China. With free shipping also, your new USB key will only run you 5 bucks.

2) eBay tricks - You obviously know how to search up an item on eBay. Even you can figure that out. The tough part is finding the good deals. Occasionally, sellers will make typos in their listings. The result is that their listing doesn't turn up in searches. That's where you come in and nab the auction with little to no competition using www.missing-auctions.com . This free site allows you to search for typos on eBay. Another tactic for getting a low price is sniping. Sniping means you wait until the last minute and 30 seconds before the end of the auction, you place a bid, giving your opponents little time to react. A good program for that is Baygenie auction sniper.

3) Shopwiki - Sometimes you just don't have the time to shop around for the lowest price online. That's why you'd make your work easier by using ShopWiki. I, for example, am trying to find a pair of all-terrain skates. When I searched it up on Shopwiki, I easily found the lowest online price. Afterwards, I'm probably going to decorate my room with some cool samurai shit. You can pretty much find anything there. If you search up Kitchen and Dining, you'll find things there much cheaper than home outfitters.

4) Smart Canucks - Sometimes, the cheapest way to get something is to get it for free. Smart Canucks is a forum where Canadians share freebie offers, hot deals and coupons they've found online. So far, I've gotten iPod travel chargers, t-shirts, dog treats, and more. It's definitely worth checking out if you're a cheapass.

Sorry to Disappoint: Christmas is Pagan...lolz

2008-12-25T19:29:00.000-05:00

It's Christmas day! Let's wake mom and dad up into a hangover and run our urine soaked PJs down the stairs to open our Playstations, Wiis and other battery operated sexual devices! What better time to write a Christmas article than Christmas day? Families are gathering together around the fireplace and following rituals which they know nothing about. I'm not trying to make enemies with this article, but the fact of the matter is, many of the Christmas traditions aren't accurate and most aren't even Christian. Ironic, huh? So with a jug full of jolly egg nog, lets jet through the fallacies of this yule tide spirit.

Jesus wasn't born in December
Despite the popular notion of Jesus being born in a manger in December, Jesus was more likely born sometime between April and October. "Now there were in the same country shepherds living out in the fields,keeping watch over their flock by night" (Luke 2:8). The flocks weren't out in the field at night during the winter months; it was too cold. Nowhere does the New Testament hint towards Jesus being born in the winter.

Why December 25th?

The Christian religion never celebrates a popular figure's birth, only their death. So why the popularization of December 25th as the celebration as Christ's birth? It just so happens that, Saturnalia, a Roman celebration worshiping Saturn, occurs in December. The Church, trying to find a way to be accepted by the Pagans around them, decided to also create a celebration in the middle of the winter. The result of this assimilation is the Christmas we know today. According to Persian Pagans, December 25th marks the birth of Mithra, the sun god. His birth would bring light to the dark days of the winter solstice. It was only until the 4th century that the Christian Church announced that, despite what's clearly written in the bible, Jesus' birthday falls on the same day as Mithra's.

Yule log

The term "yule" comes from the Norse god of fertility "Jule." The heartwarming tradition of gathering around the fireplace is based on a Scandinavian Norse/Pagan winter solstice ritual. This involves burning a large tree trunk for 12 days (hence the 12 days of Christmas). The log is a phallic symbol. Over the course of the 12 days, people an animals are burnt as an offering to Saturn. That's one practice I follow, however; I sacrifice many virgins on my yule log - HIGH FIVE!

Christmas Tree

The Christmas tree, like the yule log, is a phallic/fertility symbol. Pagans saw trees as sacred and bringing them into the home brought their holiness into your household. Once chopped and brought into the house, the tree was worshipped as an idol. Now here's the kicker - a few lines from the old testament: "Thus said the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them: For the customs of the people are vain: for one cuts a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the ax: They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not....Be not afraid of them; for they cannot do evil, neither also is it in them to do good." (Jeremiah 10:2-5) how creepy is that? Even the Bible warns against the Christmas tree tradition.

Santa Claus

Santa Claus is a composition of several sources, mainly the following:

Odin - The pagan thunder god. He flew over the cities and decided who would live and who would die

St. Nicholas - The patron saint of sailors, prostitutes, children, merchants, the falsely accused, pawnbrokers and repentant thieves. He was said to have captured the devil and used the devil as his hired muscle. If the child was good, they'd receive presents, otherwise, they'd get whips. Ah, those were the good ol' days. No such thing as a spoiled brat getting his Xbox 360. If you were bad, you got flogging that scarred your ass back into shape.

The writings of Clement Clark Moore eventually made the image of Santa that we know today. The devil became the reindeer we know today and any religious connotations were erased.

The Puritans who came to the New World sought to rid themselves of Christmas as we know it. They wanted to create a society based purely on Christian traditions, free of Pagan influence. Instead, Christians chose to celebrate Christmas, holiday based almost purely on Pagan traditions and whose Christian roots are slim. I'm sorry to have taken away from your most holy of times...but it's really not your holy time. Nothing happened in December. I'm not refuting Christianity as a religion, simply pointing out a fallacy that's been perpetuated for about 1700 years now.

The part that pulls my pubes about all this is that children are blatantly lied to about Santa Claus. Eventually, all kids grow up and learn that Santa is a myth and their parents don't even know where he came from. All mommy and daddy know is that their parents lied to them in just the same way. So has it been for generations. Now who's the real Grinch?

So when it all boils down, there's absolutely no reason to flood my radio with crappy gospel music, no reason to bring candy cane flavored coffee to my cafe, no reason to interrupt my morning cartoon rituals with play doh Christmas animations and no reason to contribute to deforestation just so you can bring a large mock penis into your living room. If you're so eager to have a sex symbol in your house, I'm free weekends after 3.

Update

2008-12-19T15:50:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've written a decent "how to" article, hasn't it? I've been overcome with ads and useless posts. Well the era of ad posts seems to be coming to an end. Payperpost, the company that would assign me advertisements, has just booted me from their community. Let me tell you how great it is to write advertisements that drop your pagerank to 0 only to later be booted from their system and not be able to use your blog to publish anything else. The part that really screws you over is that PayPerPost does not allow for "no follow" tags in your links. Google really doesn't appreciate people selling links because it throws off their pagerank system. So once Google catches you with your pants down, you better bring a tub of vasoline, 'cause your about to be screwed long and hard. So, to sum up my emotions, Payperpost sucks. They used me like a Czechoslovakian prostitute and didn't even have the courtesy to finish off with a happy ending.

The way things look now, I think the only ads you'll be seeing are Google's ads on the right of this page (see it???). I am not allowed to solicit clicks for these ads, so I won't. I can't purposly ask you to click on the ads if you appreciate my content just so that I can generate a profit because that would violate the terms of service.

That's what's going on with this blog now. More quality content is on the way. Lates sucka.

Quantam of Solace - Scariest Villain Yet

2008-11-16T20:07:00.000-05:00

Hello Pussy,

I felt it to be my duty as the proud owner of a pair of testicles to see the new James Bond flick as soon as I could. I can safely say that it was pretty decent. It wasn't the best Bond, but still good nonetheless.

James Bonds, in case you haven't noticed, have always synced up with the politics at the time. The first James Bonds set the Russians as the enemies, while the Cold War was prevalent. In "Die Another Day", the enemies are Korean. In "The World Is Not Enough", surprise surprise - bad guys are Middle Eastern terrorists. In this James Bond, the villain is Dominic Greene. He owns an "environmentally friendly" company. As if his last name and the eco-company isn't enough, the dude (Mathieu Amalric) looks a shit load like Al Gore. In case you haven't processed all that, the enemy for this James Bond is corrupt environmental movement. That, by the way, makes me happier than a pig in shit.

There were however, a few things that disappointed me with this movie. Firstly, this is the first Bond I've seen where 007 is not briefed by R (formerly Q) and given the clutch gadgets that will end up being live savers for him later in the film. Secondly, JB doesn't snog the Bond girl at the end. It's just not a Bond if he doesn't contract some sort of STD.

A lot of people will tell you that the new Bond sucked. While that may be, I can't bring myself to say that about a Bond flick. While there were definitely better Bonds (except the Lazenby one), this one was still enjoyable.

(PS: If you didn't get that the opening line was a Bond reference, you have no place reading this post. In the off chance that you're a man, you must immediately forfeit your testicles to the Male Appendage Regulatory Board, Chicago, IL 60652)

Lates suckas

7 Reasons Why My Dog's Better Than Your Kids

2008-11-11T09:47:00.002-05:00

1) Rubbing my dogs nose in a urine soaked carpet while shouting: "No, bad" won't get me arrested

2) When you leave your kid in a cage for 4 hours, he won't really be happy to see you at the end of the day.

3) My dog will never make me a crappy macaroni painting that I'll have to pretend to like and post on the fridge.

4) When your kid knocks up a chick, you can't sell the kids and make a profit.

5) My dog started shitting where I wanted him to within a week of bringing him home.

6) Putting a choker chain on a kid never seems to yield positive results.

7) My dog will never ask for Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad action figure until I'm forced to hit him

There you have it; 7 good reasons to put up your kid for adoption and get yourself a canine companion. Lates, sucka.

Shame On You Bob

2008-11-07T02:11:00.000-05:00

In a previous post, I mentioned that Bob Saget's commentaries were hilarious. It was clearly to be absurd since no one actually likes the stupid commentaries. I had remembered that Bob Saget is still doing stand up so I decided to YouTube some of his routines. What I saw tore me apart. His routine had to be some of the stupidest, uninspired shit I've ever seen in my life. I don't mind when comedians are vulgar; it's like adding tobasco sauce to chili - it makes it better and my leathery man mouth enjoys the challenge. Bob Saget's routine, however, is like swallowing a spoonful of tobasco without chili - it's totally pointless and reserved for frat boys between beer bong hits. So if you're reading this Bob Saget, and I'm sure you are, I demand an apology e-mail for you sucking. Your 2 second cameo from Half-Baked cannot be stretched out into a whole stand up routine!

7 Easy Ways to Improve your Face (for men)

2008-11-06T16:08:00.000-05:00

Pluck Your Eyebrows
Let me tell you a love about two eyebrows that were made separately but desperately wanted to join up and form a single entity. Through thick and thin, they struggled to join and share their affection. The part that I didn’t tell you is that they’re two male eyebrows and, as such, their union should be prevented at all costs. That’s where you come and pluck the shit out of their bond. Getting all the little buggers out of the middle is the easy part. It’s shaping each brow that gets tricky. A bushy mess of a brow is just as bad as a uni-brow. Try to focus your energy on getting the stray hairs underneath the brow since it’ll improve the neatness without making your brow look too catered. Two tips on making the process easier to bear – take a warm shower first and pull in the direction of hair growth. The shower will open your pores and the follicle will come out much easier.

Chew gum
A facial feature that’s very desirable in men is a strong, chiseled jaw. A sharp jaw line gives the impression of strength and confidence, at least in your face. An easy way to add some nice shape to this area of the face is to work your jaw muscles. This can be accomplished by chewing gum – lots of it. The constant chewing is like a workout for your mouth. For those without patience or who want a little more of a challenge, try drinking water with the gum in your mouth then continue to chew. The gum should toughen up after having been exposed to the water and will give your jaw more of a workout.

Wash and Exfoliate Your Skin
This may sound like the most feminine of all the tasks but that’s a notion that has to be broken. Being manly doesn’t mean you walk around with a pimple on your forehead after clogging your pores when you wiped your forehead when you and your large mammal friends went out for all-you-can-eat ribs. First exfoliate with hot water. This will remove the crud that’s encrusted on your mug while opening your pores. After rinsing with warm water, use a cleanser to remove the microscopic dirt that’s clogging your pores. It’s important that you rinse the cleanser off with cool water to close up your pores otherwise you’ll dry out your skin. Avoid using oil astringents. They may work for a bit, but after a few days, your skin will start producing extra oil to compensate for it. The last thing you want it for your slightly shiny skin to suddenly turn into an Exxon Valdez.

Trim your facial hair
Whatever your facial hair status, ALWAYS keep it evenly trimmed. However you chose to style your facial hair, not shaving for a week will make you look a disgruntled hobo. If you have a facial hair design (ie: goatee, side burns), it needs to be re-defined and trimmed. If you have a full beard, it needs to be trimmed so it looks neat and uniform again.

Trim your nose/ear hair
Nothing will repulse your date more than a rebellious nose hair rising up against nasal oppression. An easy way to rid yourself of those pesky revolutionaries is to get yourself a nose/ear hair trimmer. It doesn’t need to be something expensive, just something that’s specialized for the job. Hacking away at your nose and ears with a pair of scissors will do more harm than good. You’re aiming to just trim the ends, not shave yourself bald. After all, those hairs are stopping dirt particles from getting inside your body. You can get yourself a good trimmer for under $5 at Deal Extreme. It’s my favorite spot for getting crap like this. Shipping is free with them and, if you try to get the trimmer from the store, you’ll get the same, made in

China

, product for $20.

Scrape Your Tongue
You probably haven’t thought of the fact that most of your bad breath is actually coming from decomposing particles on your tongue. Brushing your tongue could help but not 100% and a lot of people gag from it. Personally, as a manly man, my mouth wasn’t designed to deftly take in long hard objects whilst delaying the gag reflex. If you can, then all the power to you. You might have a career as a sword swallower….or a pillow biter. Getting back to the point, a tongue scraper is guaranteed to make your mouth feel 10x better. Don’t knock it till you try it. You can pick one up from your pharmacy, or you can get it for less than half the price on Deal extreme.

Moisten your lips
The winter months are just around the corner and with the cold weather comes extremely dry air. That dry air is exactly what’ll cause your lips to get crack and bleed like a leper. If you think applying lip balm is reserved for women, then your enjoy the chapped life and good luck getting anyone to kiss you when they worry that they might be getting a blood transfusion should they lock lips. Balming your lips falls in the same category as brushing your teeth. It’s just another step in making your mouth-area look presentable.

Disclaimer: This is the first article where I made gay jokes. Just to note, I have nothing against the gay community nor do I condemn gay marriage. The purpose of the jokes were to make my homophobic readers more comfortable with taking care of their skin in ways that is wrongly seen as overtly feminine. If you're still offended then too bad. I've wasted enough time writing this disclaimer for your pouty ass. Lates, sucka.

Sushi - The Fountain of Youth

2008-10-25T09:11:00.000-04:00

Of all the foods I can think of, sushi is probably the healthiest. If you haven't already tasted it, do yourself a favor and get a box of fresh sushi (not older than 6 hours). It was recently found that Ogimi, an island in Japan has the highest number of centenarians (people over 100) per capita in the world. Most of the island's inhabitants credit their sushi heavy diet as the secret of their longevity. This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone. Sushi is the ultimate health food:

Rice - Rice is an excellent complex carbohydrate. It provides great energy and it fills you up quickly so overeating isn't much of a problem

Vegetables - It doesn't take a nutritionist to tell you that vegetables are healthy for you. They're full of vitamins and minerals.

Seaweed - One of the best things you can eat in the whole sushi roll is the seaweed. It contains almost all the minerals you need in your diet including, sodium, magnesium and zinc.

Raw fish - Raw fish is full of omega-3 and that has countless benefits. Omega-3 fatty acids, among other things, reduce the risk of heart disease, prevent varicose veins and lower cholesterol.

What you won't find in sushi is tons of salt, saturated fat or cholesterol. That's the second half of its secret.

Occasionally, someone will tell me that eating raw fish is gross. You know what I think is gross? Getting 85% of your RDI* of saturated fat from eating a sundae (DQ Peanut Buster), getting 60% of your RDI of sodium from a sandwich (Double Quarter Pounder w/ Cheese) and getting 55% of your sodium intake from a single chicken thigh (KFC original recipe thigh).

*Recommended Daily Intake (based on a 2,000 calorie diet)

Why Family Guy Is Better Than The Simpsons (part 1)

2008-10-23T16:47:00.000-04:00

I decided I'd start a new recurring post. I've decided that The Simpsons is a washed up sellout of a show and isn't worth viewing anymore. This week's reasoning is character development. When Family Guy first came out, people were telling me that it's pretty much an imitation of The Simpsons. Both shows sport a dumb father, a housewife, a son, a daughter, a baby, a dog, a black friend and a white friend. My argument towards this is that, in 6 seasons, Family Guy managed to round out their characters more than The Simpsons was able to in its million seasons.

Homer
Homer's the dumb father of the family. He works at a nuclear power plant. His father is a generic old man who lives in a retirement home.

Peter
Peter's job has changed throughout the series. He's worked at a toy factory, as a fisherman and at a brewery. His father is an angry, abusive, Irish Catholic who hates his son's Protestant wife. He has an inexplicable hatred towards his daughter, Meg.

Marge
Marge is a typical housewife but has fun blue hair. She has two sisters who hate her husband. That's about it.

Lois
Lois, like Marge, is a housewife but has had a somewhat mysterious past. She constantly makes references to a history of rebellion (eg: her rep with kiss as "loose Lois", her explanation for her tattoo as "meth is a hell of a drug"). She always lets her daughter, Meg, know that she was much more popular in high school. Also, she's constantly fighting off crushes from both Brian and Quagmire.

Bart
With a slingshot in his back pocket and a spiky haircut, Bart is simply an early 90s reincarnation of Dennis the Menace. He doesn't like school. Gets in trouble. Likes skateboarding and comic books. Nothing really special.

Chris
Chris is awkward beyond the society's allowance. He has random bursts of insight that can't be explained. He's taken up a job as a paper delivery boy and constantly has to deal with a pedophilic old man harassing him.

Lisa
Lisa is the middle child. Unlike here brother, she enjoys school. She also plays the saxophone.

Meg
Meg's the epitome of a social outcast. She constantly strives to hang out with the popular clique but it always ends up in her mockery. She has a crush on her neighbour's son. Meg's always embarrassed by her family and tries to disassociate with them whenever possible. This is made ironic by the fact that Lois, Peter and Stewie have all proven to be much more sociable and "cooler" than her. Those who pity Meg and her constant ridicule should take solace in the fact that, when she has gotten the opportunity to be popular, she's acted like a stuck up bitch (eg: 1] when "Lando" made her seem cool, she rejected a dance with Neil, for a shallow football jock 2] When the meg got her makeover and the family became famous, she developed a huge attitude and gave her whole family the shaft)

Maggie
Maggie is a baby. She has a pacifier that she always sucks. That is all.

Stewie
Stewie is an intellectual bent on causing chaos. Oddly enough, he has a posh British accent. He has an inexplicable hatred for his mother and is constantly trying to kill her. Brian is the only one in the family that can match his wit so there's constantly a rivalry between them. Stewie is always balancing between his mature, chaotic view of life and his innocent, childlike tendencies.

Santa's Little Helper
A greyhound that Bart and Homer rescued from the tracks.

Brian
Brian, though not at Stewie's genius level, remains an intellectual. His intelligence is mostly associated with the arts. While him and Stewie have their humorous dialogs, he remains Peter's best friend. Just like Stewie must balance his maturity with his childhood, so too must Brian balance his intellectualism with the fact that he's a dog. Brian goes through a few love stints, but he never gets over his love for Lois.

Lenny
Lenny is Homer's friend. He is also best friends with Carl

Glenn Quagmire
Quagmire is Peter's perverted friend. You can tell by the way he speaks, the decor of his house and his attitude towards women that Glenn Quagmire is straight out of the Rat Pack era. Just like Brian, he has an undying love for Lois but, out of respect for his friend, will never act seriously on it.

Carl
Carl is Homer's friend. He is also best friends with Lenny

Cleveland Brown
Cleveland is Peter's laid-back, slow talking, deli-owning friend. He's recently divorced and is now on the lookout for a new relationship. Though Quagmire was the one who had an affair with his wife, he came to the realization that his wife was the unfaithful one and his friendship with Quagmire wasn't worth the sacrifice.

So there you have it; when it comes to character development, The Simpsons just doesn't compare to Family Guy. All you whiny Simpsons fans might try and pull up different events that happened in the Simpson family history, but this article only focused on occurrences that have an effect on more than one episode (ie: yes, homer was a plow driver, but that ended with the episode). Family Guy 1 - Simpsons 0, sucka!

Kids Are Violent Because Cartoons Aren't

2008-10-11T00:37:00.000-04:00

I recently woke up early enough to catch some Saturday morning cartoons. So I get a bowl of chocolate coated sugar bomb cereal and I turn on cartoon network to what I thought would be the kick-ass line up I remember. Instead, what I get is a bunch of watered down, modern-retro stylized, clichéd crap. I keep flipping hoping to find something good. Instead I find Jimmy Neutron, Fairly Oddparents and Johnny Test. Once upon a time, I'd flip on the tube and see Wolverine sticking his badass adamantium claws into a sentinel. Now all I get is the wacky adventures of a 9-year old boy who's still learning about moderation, friendship and why his pubes haven't come in yet.
What's even worse is that kids are more violent today than ever before. Kids will always crave violence. If cartoons don't have enough balls for them, they'll just flip on the Xbox and play something that involves some sort of dismemberment and is 10x more violent than any ABC cartoon will ever be. A few years ago, the only violence video games suggested was jumping on turtles in attempt to have them hurled towards your opponents at breakneck speeds. I hope you parents are happy. Hoorah, cartoons suck and your kids are serial killers in the making. But what does that matter? You don't pay attention to what your kids watch anyways. All you know is that the cartoons are sugary enough to cause diabetes and if your youngin' acts up, you'll pop enough Ritalin in him to sedate a small rhino.
I think everything started going downhill when Pokemon became popular. When I watched an anime, it was Dragonball Z and that was just tits. Aliens from different planets blowing each other away with laser beams that shot out of their hands. Pokemon reduced these testosterone driven battle royals to two beanie babies going at it until one falls to the ground with swirly eyes.
I say we should put the balls back into the early morning cartoons and pry the video games away from your kids. Sounds crazy? Consider this, your kid will be waking up earlier and, as result, going to sleep sooner. He'll be eating his cereal early in the morning and get his metabolism running right away. Unlike video games, cartoons have breaks every 7 minutes so your kid won't be in a coma-like state for 2 hours at a time. At around 12 o'clock, the shows get crappy and your kids will look for something more interesting, to do. That's when you hand the little free-loader a rake and have him pay his keep. The power is yours.... sucka.

How to Fall Asleep at Night

2008-10-07T15:50:00.001-04:00

You know the feeling; you have to wake up early tomorrow but the sandman just won't come. You're stuck watching the clock next to your bed. Every 5 minutes you calculate how much sleep you could get if you fell asleep at that exact moment. Not surprisingly, the next morning you're so dead tired that you can't understand how you could possibly have had trouble sleeping. Well that's about to change. Here's how you're gonna get your 40 winks without delay tomorrow night.

Cereal - the morning crusader also works nights

A bowl of cereal about 30 min before bedtime will help you on your journey to La-La Land. Don't confuse this suggestion with an invitation to eat anything that you can think of before bed. Heavier, prepared meals will get your body in digestion mode and you'll find it much harder to sleep. A light meal like cereal is ideal. I made the mistake of looking this up in the forums. People tended to disagree with the cereal before bed since they had a bowl and they still weren't asleep. That brings me to my next point...

Avoid electronics like the plague

Look at all the cool shit you have! You can listen to music while checking your email while chatting with your friends about Dungeons & Dragons while getting a colonoscopy! As great as all that sounds, none of it should be a part of your routine 30 minutes before you plan on getting to sleep. Devices like computers are highly interactive and will keep your mind fully stimulated. As long as your brain is at this level of activity, no amount of cereal will ever get you to bed. Do everyone who's there on the message boards, bitching that conventional sleeping methods don't work, try shutting down the porn and open a book.

Knockout Tub

For the man who's "in touch with his emotions" a warm bath with some lavender oil added could be just the thing that'll crack this streak of insomnia. Lavender is widely known to be a sleep aid. Combining it with a hot bath makes it even more potent because your not only inhaling lavender infused vapour, but the hot water opens up your pores and you'll absorb more of that nighttime goodness. For those of you who have a bit too much testosterone or are worried that your friends might find out about your late night aquatic escapades, a few drops of lavender oil on your pillow will yield similar results.

Bedroom Association

You should only be doing 2 things in your bedroom, the less exciting of which is sleeping. Other than that, you should be keeping out of your room. Try not to sit on your bed while you have late night chats with your 230 lbs. cybersex buddy, Bambi420. The more things you do in your room, the more your brain associates that area with mental stimulation. If your brain learns that when you’re in bed (alone), it’s sleep time, you’ll eventually find yourself getting drowsy when you enter your bedroom. That’s because your brain will recognize it’s environment and begin to decrease its activity. This is almost the same concept as the environmental tolerance I mentioned in the alcohol tolerance article.

Take a Trip to Palmsdale

If you didn't have a proper workout before going to bed, you're muscles will have trouble entering a state of relaxation. A quick way of putting your entire body and in a state of total relaxation is, obviously enough, masturbation. Playing a solo on the devil's clarinet releases a chemicals called endogenous opioid peptides into your brain. Opium, if you couldn't tell by the name, is also an opioid. Opioids will have a muscle relaxing and sleep inducing effect similar to that of morphine. This, combined with many other hormones released in the process, will have a sedative effect and should have you dreaming in no time.

At the end of the day, we each have something that works best for us. Nothing will work for everyone all the time. Should none of these methods even remotely help, you should consider seeing a doctor and ask about the possibility of insomnia. Staying up late for anything isn't cool. Sleep deprivation result in a lower IQ, impaired driving, poor social skill and, worst of all, ugly bags underneath your eyes. Sleep tight and don't tell your boyfriend you really dream about me at night.

Your Nose And You: a man's guide to boogers

2008-10-02T23:35:00.000-04:00

So you've got a nose full green plasma. Some people call it disgusting but it's snot. (HAHA) Boogers come in many shapes and textures. Each one requires you to take the proper actions and precautions to ensure safe ejection. Improper action can lead to sticky, mucous covered hands or worse: a nose bleed. Be sure to read the following article very carefully before your next pick or it could be you last.

Species

The Mossy Rock

This is pretty much your standard, run-of-the mill boog. The out side is slightly goopy but the center is pretty solid and well built. There's no need to panic for this one. It's harmless. You have 2 options for dealing with this bad boy. The first option is using a Kleenex. Thanks to the slightly slimy exterior of the specimen, it will form a semi-seal in the nostril and will allow for a pressure buildup great enough to fling it into a Kleenex. Your second option is going in for a manual extraction using the index finger. The nougat-like center will allow you to nab that sucker without too much mess. Keep in mind that before you flick it, you'll have to roll it. (See Methods & Techniques below).

The Meteor

The meteor is the bastard son of the mossy rock. Unlike it's father the meteor does not have a soft, lubricated coating. This means that going in for the pick puts you at risk of pressing it's jagged surface against the wall of your nostril. This will produce a very painful sensation. If the meteor is big enough, it might just have enough air resistance to be shot into a Kleenex. If it's too small for this, a quick hot shower will transmogrify the rebellious ingrate into a more manageable species. For those brave souls, if the situation call for it, you can use good ol' index to coax the evil menace out of your nose but proceed with extreme caution.

The Comet

The Comet is the athletic, studious and legitimate son of mossy rock. It still has pops solid core and semi-gushy exterior. Though it is slightly less lubricated than the mossy rock, it hides behind it a magnificent secret. Its tail is a soft endoplasm that extends deep into the nasal cavity. This leads me to the best way to remove it. The fun and joy behind a comet is picking it out. You think you're just getting a regular mossy rock but suddenly you discover that your removing a full umbilical cord and you're suddenly able to breath 90% better. You can always use Kleenex, but why would you want to?

The Blob

99% of the audience already know what I'm talking about. Yes, the blob is morbidly obese, jobless uncle who we all hate. The blob is that oozy drippy unpleasantness that comes along and ruins your perfect date walking through the park on a beautiful fall afternoon. Nothing is less attractive than a man who is producing a sound out of his nose that many experts would claim is a dolphin fart. Picking is like sticking your finger into a package of ground beef and hence is futile. All your base are belong to blob. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. Your only option is to blow your nose. See how fucking annoying blowing your nose over and over gets!?!? There's no end in sight! The blob just keeps regenerating and haunting you. The worst part is that, should you take a stand and just don't blow anymore, you feel like it's full out dripping out of your nose even though it's really not. Damn you blob! You're deceiving and relentless!

The Clingon

The Clingon is a vicious little demon. He's known for clinging onto nose hairs and refusing to let go. A clingon can be brought about by either a blob exposed to Canada's winters or by a meteor that has just so happened to form around a hair. The only way to remove a clingon is through a masochistic display of follicle extraction. Blowing into a Kleenex won't help. Clingons have been said to hold onto hairs in the presence of winds exceeding 130 mph. Blow all you want but that sucker's holding on tighter than a bulimic chick to her uvula.

The Paint Scraping

Some people love 'em, some hate 'em. Paint scrapings are the semi-solid boogers that'll stick close to the wall of your nostril. Due to their ergonomic and aerodynamic design, trying to blow them out simply won't work. It's obvious that your going to need to go in there with a motion that's strangely reminiscent of getting the leftover cake batter off the walls of a bowl. Under no circumstances is this picking to be done in public. Scraping your nose paint is the most obvious and disgusting style of nose picking. The application of pressure to the walls result in you pushing your nose outwards and causes your upper lip to lift up slightly. Needless to say, you do not want to be caught in this position. Try and reserve this simple pleasure for the privacy of your own home.

The Constipation

Say goodbye to quiet breathing when you've got a constipated nose. You've got a blob so viscous that not even your full lung pressure can dis-lodge it. Trying will only make your ears pop. Your only option is to melt away the the dam with a nice steamy shower or bath.

Methods & Techniques

The Roll

Semi-moist goblins require a slight amount of rolling to get them into their most aerodynamic shape and also to reduce their sticky properties. Rolling is as easy as touching your index finger to your thumb and moving it in a clockwise pattern.

The Flick

After you're done rolling, you gotta get rid of the evidence. I mean where are you gonna put it? Your pocket? With the nasal C4 on your index, flick normally, as you would to an insect who's wronged you.

The Shnot-Rocket

Tilt your head back slightly, block one nostril with your index finger and blow out of your nose vigorously. The pressure should fling out the contents of your nose without dirtying your fingers. WARNING: Attempting this technique with the blob may result in a toxic loogie oozing out your nose. Women immediately report to one another when they spot a guy whose got a toxic loogie. They have a universal online database of this but I haven't been able to crack the password...or find the site...or find anyone who would admit to it.

5-Fingered Tissue

In the absence of a tissue one, one may pinch his nose slightly and use his hand as if it was a tissue. When the deed is done, a quick snap of the wrist will rid the hand of it's congealed mess. Acceptable places to practice this are: in the shower or on a hiking trip. Unacceptable places to do this are at a pool or at the office. Know your limits.

Manswers - For Ass By Ass

2008-09-23T00:58:00.000-04:00

So I just saw the show "Manswers." If you want to know what I'm ranting about before I start, you can see full episodes of the show here (it's all legal, don't worry, you wuss). I must say, I thought American television reached it's lowest of lows when I ranted about "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader." Unfortunately, American society has reached a new low. The show "Manswers" claims to be all the answers to what men want to know. Since this is pretty much what I like writing about, I thought I'd give it a look. I must say that it's an insult to masculinity and if you enjoy watching the show, you're not a man, you're a hack. The first thing that almost gave me an aneurysm was the obnoxious "extreme" narrator. The idea that men need a surfer/drill sergeant to pay attention is retarded. Since I'm not 7 and watching a GI Joe commercial, there's no reason for the narrator to be some prick who won't stop yelling. Next, the camera is constantly zooming in and out with sound effects. It's as if they're worried that I have severe ADD that would cause me to look away if I didn't focus on the screen. Finally, the questions are answered using either a ridiculous cut sequence or using a semi-naked woman. I'll admit, there are subtle ways of getting men to pay attention but it's very much an art form. When you get a chick to shoot a gun just to watch her tits bounce, you're not being coy, you're being a tool.
This show doesn't provide you with answers to anything. If you're really curious about anything, look it up. Don't trust a 15 second cut sequence, that mainly illustrates breasts, for your source of any kind of information. If someone ever starts a conversation with me based on something they saw on Manswers, I'll punch them square in the mouth. Not only does the show tell you dick all about anything, but the fact that you sat through an entire episode and took it seriously means you're a total gooch scab that doesn't deserve to keep all his teeth.

How To Be The Omega Male

2008-09-04T00:41:00.001-04:00

I've already discussed how one would go about being the alpha male in a social situation. However, sometimes the goal isn't to be known by everyone, but rather to slip through unnoticed. Whether you want to avoid getting noticed by your ex at a party or you're spying the king of Jordan, you're going to want to learn how to be the omega male.

Avoid Eye Contact

The human brain is designed to pay the most attention to a set of eyes. Have you ever noticed that some people always see a face in a smoky picture and claim it's a ghost. That's because, as a survival instinct, humans are conditioned to find a face. By hiding your eyes, you're hiding the most defining feature of your face and are therefore less likely to have a gaze shot your way.

Arm Fortress

Keep your arms low and folded in front of you. Humans will instinctively direct their attention towards another creature with its limbs in the air as it could be a potential threat. Keeping your arms crossed makes you smaller in the eyes of all those around as well as their subconscious minds. Should you ever need to stretch your arms, remember to stretch them down. Spreading your arms to the side or upwards, will merit you unneeded gazes. Just like in the animal world, appearing bigger and more spread out is designed to get you attention be everyone around.

(Never) Dress to Impress

Before attending the event, think long and hard about the dress code and what the guests will be wearing. If you're wearing a necktie in a room full of bow ties, you can be damn sure that, as eyes glaze across the room, they'll stop on you. If you want yo be unnoticed and forgotten, it's imperative that you can be easily mistaken for anyone else in the room.

Inconspicuous seating

When sitting around a long table, sit closer to one of the ends as opposed to the middle. Never sit at either head of the table. The middle is where the action is and people at either end of the table tend to look inwards towards the center as opposed to outward. However, should you find yourself in a situation where you're sitting around a smaller table, it's best to sit in the middle since the heads of the table are receiving the most attention.

Lay off the Booze

Holding a glass of wine can help you blend in and might take the edge off, but down it too quickly and you'll catch some uninvited gazes. One thing about society today is that we feed off drama. No other creature will sit in front of a box for hours watching a member of its own species embarrass on shows like "Cops" and "America's Funniest Home Videos." With all that in mind, alcohol has thrown many great men off their game. One slight misstep after your 3rd tequila shot will have you flagged by anyone who witnesses it. For the rest of the night they'll observe your actions for any sign of increased intoxication. Being under such close supervision is no way to have your face forgotten the next day. Try to nurse that bourbon on the rocks, chief.

Dodge the Spotlight

It’s inevitable that you get in a conversation or two at a party. If you’re not interacting with people, you’ll get noticed as a creepy background guy who is purposely avoiding everyone. So your goal is to converse, but say very little. To accomplish this, when in a conversation, keep the attention on the person you’re speaking to. People, more than anything, love themselves. People will gladly talk about their lives and boast about that which they should be ashamed. If you keep asking questions and fake interest in your talking partner, they’ll end up liking you but then realize that they know nothing about you. Also, you don’t want to risk saying anything that might attract the attention of an eavesdropper and cause a group conversation.

Never assume that being an omega male is bad. It's simply another form of adaptation. Unlike the alpha or beta male, the omega spends his time observing his surroundings and gathering information from others. Just because a man is in the omega position and gets no attention doesn't mean he's inferior or any less dangerous. When you enter a party as omega, the golden rule is to check your ego at the door. An omega stays in the shadows and comes out only when it is absolutely necessary. Be safe.

How To Win An Eating Contest

2008-08-29T13:36:00.000-04:00

In their strange culture that is manhood, the man that can eat the most is considered the manliest. Why this is, I'll never know. Since my the point of my blog is to teach you how to be better than everyone else, here's how to win an eating contest.

Expand Your Walls

The day before the event, drink as much water as you can. Water will stretch out your stomach and quickly exit it. Just like pulling a balloon before you blow it up, this will make it less painful to eat so much food.

Satan's Cereal
For lunch, the day before your big eat, have a bowl of fiber cereal with prune juice. You can guess what you'll be doing that evening. This technique will help clean out your digestive tract and make sure that everything will function poperly on the big day.

Speed Eating

It's a bit obvious that you have to eat quickly in an eating contest but, in case the competition is about volume not speed, remember that slow and steady does not win the race. You have a 20 minute time frame from the time your stomach says you're full to the time you actually feel full. In that short span, you have to down as much as you can. After that, you're gonna really start hurting halfway through you meal, lard-o.

Chewbacca

It's important to chew your food properly. No, I don't care about you choking. If you're stupid enough to engage in a primitive eating contest, odds are no one cares about you choking. Food that isn't chewed properly get swallowed with air. That air in you belly means you'll have added discomfort while your eating and may just be the difference between you becoming an fatso and a fatso-so.

Cardio Your Hunger

Some research shows that cardiovascular exercise increases one's appetite. That's right, Porky Pig. Ironically enough, to show your friends you can eat more, you're going to have to pop your jiggly butt onto a treadmill and get that hunger into high gear.

Obviously Genetics plays a lot into how much you can eat but these tips might just be that extra little boost you needed. In my opinion, competitive eating is among the stupidest things guys can do. If you win, you're ultimately a fat loser. If you lose, you're still a loser...only you're a less capable loser. Chew on that, sucka.

Drink To Your Health: How Alcohol is Healthy

2008-08-28T19:28:00.000-04:00

Few things parallel in greatness to alcohol. It is, in fact, a maker of miracles. If it weren't for alcohol, 67% of ugly chicks would never see action until their mid 30s. Occasionally, some people will rain on your parade and tell you how bad alcohol is. We've all heard about alcohol destroying your liver or killing brain cells. If you were ever looking for justification for your drinking habits, here they are:

Beer

A Finnish-U.S. study showed that beer drinkers have 40% less chance of developing kidney stones. I'd rather drink a pint than pee out a rock any day. I'm not a man of such extreme sadomasochistic fetishes...but that's just me. Beer is also fat free and cholesterol free. I bet your favorite candy bar can't boast the same. Another study showed that, after 30 days of moderate beer consumption, adults show signs of a heightened immune system. The effect was greatest in women. I don't understand why ladies always find it creepy and suspicious when I encourage them to drink more.

Tequila

Tequila is made from a fruit called blue agave. Blue agave is known to absorb fat in the intestines and lower cholesterol. Maybe next time you'll think twice before prudely rejecting a tequila slammer at the bar. Your stretching bathing suit just might thank you.

Red Wine

Red wine, is pretty well known for being rich in anti-oxidants. If you drink a glass of red wine every day, you're almost guanranteeing yourself a lower chance of cancer. Women, drinking red wine lowers the risk of heart attack for you. For the old farts out there, red wine decreases your chances of developing cataract. No one ever said classy and healthy didn't mix.

Vodka

Russian's have something to brag about now that vodka has been found to prevent type 2 diabetes. A shot of the Soviet after shave could have you eating cupcakes for a long time to come, tub-o.

Whisky & Brandy

Whisky and brandy, just like red wine, has antioxidants that will prevent your risk of heart disease and cancer. Their antioxidants are actually more powerful than that of red wine. So you can sip on some Pinot Noire with the business chums, but when it comes to a night out with the guys, you know your best buddy will always be Mr. Jack Daniels.

Just in case some geniuses don't understand the concept of self-discipline, drinking should always be done in moderation. Over-consumption of alcohol, like anything else, will result in adverse effects. Just because alcohol has it's downsides when abused, doesn't mean it's bad. Drinking too much milk will give you kidney stones but you don't see any AA groups for that. So know your limits, be safe, and have a good time.

Raw Diet For Dogs (Part 1)

2008-08-21T23:41:00.000-04:00

I feed my bird pepper, carrots and broccoli and that's totally acceptable. I feed my fish lettuce, cucumbers and cabbage and that's totally acceptable. However, when I tell people I feed my dog raw chicken, beef and turkey, they're suddenly up in arms with their objections. I must be crazy to do this. Here's why I feed my dog raw meat and, since you wanna copy me all the time, how you can do it too.

Why:
Chewing bones cleans your dog's teeth better than any store bought treat ever will. This means they won't rot when he's older and you won't have to break your wallet getting them pulled.

- Many name brand pet foods use fat rendered from euthanized cats and dogs

- Commercial pet food companies, like Eukaneuba, have harsh animal testing facilities

- Commercial pet foods have been found to contain sodium pentobarbitol: the poison used to euthanize cats and dogs

- Grains, a main ingredient in almost all commercial pet foods, is a filler. Dogs cannot digest this. The carbohydrates get turned into sugar which will lead to poor liver function. Have you ever seen a wolf eat grains?

But...

Your dog could catch salmonella.

Had I immediately given him old stanky meat, probably. His immune system can now deal with any salmonella on meat. Firstly, dog saliva has antibacterial properties. That's why they lick their wounds. Secondly, a dog's intestines are 1/4 the length of human intestines. They're designed for quick absorption and elimination. This is the perfect set up for raw meat sine it's high in vitamins (so it doesn't need to stay long) and any bacteria doesn't have time to incubate.

He could choke/get hurt on the bones

Unlike a Quebecois in front of a large poutine, my dog chews his food. Raw chicken bones are soft and springy. They don't splinter like cooked bones. Anyone who argues that raw bones can shard will show you examples of weight bearing bones. Any raw feeder knows that these bones aren't meant to be eaten by any domestic dog. Wolves are able to eat weight bearing bones because the shard created by the crushing of these bones gets wrapped in the fur of the consumed animal while in the stomach. This prevents damage to the inner organs.

It's a hassle

True, it takes longer to prepare. I'm willing to make that sacrifice. Maybe you'd be healthier if you did the same and prepared yourself a decent meal instead of parking your fat ass down at McDonald's 3 times a week for greasy food that's in your mouth within 5 minutes of ordering.

Forget horses, Asians are the new thing to bet on

2008-08-21T23:38:00.000-04:00

ScreenLife Games is at it again. They launched a new Banzai game. Check it out:

Does anyone remember that show Banzai that was on TV? You'd bet on the Asians doing tho most random things: who can eat rice faster, who can go on an excercise bike longer etc. Now there's a DVD of it. I suppose you can watch it only once, but it's still quite fun. Traditionally, you're supposed to bet on the outcome. I don't see why you wouldn't just turn it into a drinking game for you and your buddies. It could be quite entertaining. Online, they have lots of fun downloads and games to promote their new DVD like an online Tamagotchi-like character: Tako-gotchi. There's a pic of m lil guy to the right. I think he's eating little teddy bears in sushi rolls...kind of odd. Takogotchi has it’s own myspace page. If you still can't figure out the easy concept of betting on Asians, there's a how to play guide on the website. If this souns like something you might be interested in, you can purchase Banzai online. Even if you sit at home with and watch it with your mom and a big bowl of her homemade mac & cheese, it's still very fun to watch. Lates, Suckas.

Breakfast Cereals Are Destroying Society

2008-08-19T16:35:00.000-04:00

I've always asked myself why there are so many punk kids today who think it's ok to become stoned slackers who talk back to their elders. When I was a kid, giving your mom lip (or any adult, for that matter) merits you a smack with a wooden sandal or plastic coat hanger. Now you'll have little Johnny McBratson flipping his mom the bird as he continues to play with his fake friends on Xbox live. Where did this behaviour come from? (other than your shitty-ass parenting) Breakfast cereals. That's right, breakfast cereals are responsible for corrupting today's youth and turning them into the rebellious little foreskins they are today. Lets have a look at some cereals and I'll show you how they're a menace to society.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch (CTC)

Every CTC commercial follows the same template. The dialogue is between a teen and an adult:
"Hey Murray, do you know why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?"
"It's got fructose which is highly addictive"
"No, lame-brain, it's got cinnamon swirls on every bite!"
Who the fuck are you to think you know so much about cereal, punk? Do you think you know better than someone who's more than twice your age? You're nowhere near as smart or as witty as you think you are. I hope the "cinnamon sugar" rots your teeth to a paste, you disrespectful dingleberry.

Trix

Day after day, I see this poor rabbit try to get his fix of a balanced breakfast. Day after day, he's met with the same response: "Silly, Rabbit. Trix are for kids." That's good sharing, Johnny PeePants. Even when the rabbit gets his own Trix cereal, these snot-nosed punks pop out of a bush and steal his cereal. I can't wait for the Trix rabbit to partner up with the killer bunny from Montey Python: "Silly, rabbit. Trix ar...GYYYAAAHHHH" *bunny rips out jugular*

Apple Jacks

Every commercial, an adult will remind a group of long-haired, pseudo-rebellious kids that their cereal doesn't even taste like apples. The kids brush him off and say that they eat what they like. Essentially what their saying is that they'll fall for any simple marketing ploy. I doubt those Menudo rejects would scarf down that shit if they found out it was really just sugar and wheat by-products.

Cocoa Puffs/Sugar Crisp/Corn Pops

I decided to group these four together because they all allude to the same social problem. Whenever I hear any of their catch phrases, I can't help but be reminded of a cocaine addict. I'll be honest, I like cereal; it's pretty healthy, it's satisfying and it doesn't take long to make. However, a lack of cereal will never cause me to go "cuckoo" nor will I break out into sweat since "I've gotta have my pops." If your sugar/crack addicted kids try to come near my kids, I'll gun them down before they get within 10 yards. No kid of mine will turn into a puffed wheat peddler.

Cap'n Crunch

Cap'n Crunch commercials always start with a bunch of kids being treated unfairly by an adult. Mr. Crunch then shows up and transports them to a colorful world of berries. Now tell me how exactly this isn't exactly like a bunch of slacker popping some LSD to escape the drudgery of a mundane life? Here's a newsflash for you, Paul McCartney Jr., escaping reality won't help you with your problems. Quit poppin' crunch berries, get yourself a job and stop leeching off society.

5 Annoying Drunk People

2008-08-05T03:17:00.000-04:00

"Once I was alone with five drunks,
Each of them was stinkier than skunks.
Simply for fun,
I pissed in the rum,
Then I watched the douche bags blow chunks"
-Carma B

Continuing in the tradition of people who piss me off, I wrote the following article. Every time I go to a party, there are different breeds of drunks. Each one finds his own way to piss me off and ruin the party for other. We all know who they are and it's about time their stupidity was brought out into the open like a closet-necrophiliac fifth-grader.

#1 The Tough Guy

Nothing says "I'm a huge douche" like another macho guy at the bar whose swaggering from side to side. Good for you, Siegfried, you grew yourself some beer balls. I just hope you drank enough to numb the pain when your ass gets knocked down to the pub floor. When alcohol gets into your blood stream, it interferes with your reaction time as well as with your sense of balance. You very much need both if you want to get somewhere other than the bathroom stall with your head in the toilet.

#2 The Daredevil

When there are enough people around, you can count on one drunken pube-snip to do something stupid that will either injure him or break something. Once all the eyes on him, Buttman will probably do something stupid and generic like jump into a bush or show you a knife trick. Congrats, Mr. Fantasdick, you look like a tool! If you want to be entertaining, tell a joke. When I want to see someone break a jungle gym while running into something nuts-first, I watch America's Funniest Home Videos reruns, where the wacky football-to-the-groin antics of lower-middle class Americans are accompanied by the hilarious commentaries of Bob Saget.

#3 The Dancing Queen

I know you're feeling loose and you're really getting into the music but when you hit the dance floor, you look like a complete jackwipe. The mess of uncoordinated seizures and flailing limbs makes me think I'm in a Kill Bill fight scene. You're not lighting up the dance floor, Travolta. You're embarassing yourself and your great aunt gertrude, who now has to get her pacemaker recalibrated when all she wanted to do was dance the macarena with her newly bar mitzvah-ed son, Saul.

#4 The Puker

Some people just haven't learnt about moderation and, at the site of booze, will open their throat hole like a Soviet hooker. These are the cockwads responsible for smelly alley ways and the occasional chunks that line the rim of the toilet at a house party. There's no kiddy table when alcohol is served. No one will tell you what you can and can't have. If you can't show a little self-discipline, maybe you should run along to Chuck E. Cheese's with a pocket full of quarters and leave the pints to the big boys.

#5 The Philosopher (aka Good Will Fronting)

Every now and then, when you're sitting at the bar with a few drinks, there will be one guy balbbing on about his views of society and religion. The worst part is that they think that, through his slurred and beer-soaked words, he thinks his words are a brief history of time. No words uttered after 5 Mooseheads will ever be of any value to anyone - ever. If you want to talk about how you like the AC Milan's new defence, that's fine. Anything else merits you a swift kick to the nuts.

How to Curb Your Appetite

2008-07-30T00:51:00.000-04:00

I recently posted an article about how to lose weight. I wanted to include a paragraph on curbing your appetite, but I quickly realized that this was a whole article on its own. There are so many tricks you could learn that would help you put the fork down, Rosie O'Donnell. I understand that you're frustrated about your helpless, dead-end life. You eat because you're sad and you're sad because you eat. Well it's time to break that vicious cycle. It's time to have you eating less and here's how you'll do it:

What: Eat watery foods
Why: Foods that are high in water will fill you faster and have you'll take in much fewer fats
How: Instead of raisins, eat grapes. Have a watermelon wedge for dessert. Apples are ok but a nice juicy pear is better.

What: Have carbs
Why: Before I even start, I know what you're thinking "but the Fatkins diet says I can't have carbs, they lead to fat." That's a load of bull. Are you going to listen to the words of a man who suffered a heart attack the year before he died? News flash, Atkins got rich of duping people and was able to have a steak dinner every night. All that meat contains cholesterol that'll clog the shit out of your arteries and eventually kill you. Now, onto scientific matters. Carbs will inhibit the production of ghrelin (a hormone that makes you hungry) longer than meats will.
How: Have a nice carby cereal for breakfast. A nice pasta lunch will keep you surprisingly satisfied and may even stop you from guilty snacking until dinner.

What: Press on your ear
Why: I'm not sure if I fully believe this, but it's definitely worth mentioning. In acupuncture, the appetite can be controlled from the ear. Pressing on the part just above your earlobe will apparently stop a hunger pang dead in its tracks.
How: When you feel the hunger bug biting and you're eyeballing the candy bar on the top shelf of your pantry, press on your hunger spot and maybe that'll stop you from inhaling that Mars bar...that and the fact that the Mars company tests on animals.

What: Keep a water bottle on you
Why: When you're sitting at the cubicle on in class, you may not notice it, but you start to fiddle with things. Some people bite their nails, which gives them fugly hands. Others will rub their foreheads, which will give them fugly a complexion. Keeping a water bottle near you will put you in the habit of constantly drinking. Before you know it, you're stomach will be feeling quite full and you'll find yourself turning down the donuts in the office cafeteria.
How: Quit being cheap and splurge on a $2.99 case of 12 water bottles. Take one to work/school with you every morning.

What: Eat Breakfast
Why: Being hungry from the morning will almost guarantee you overeating at lunch. Another near certainty is you cheating with a snack until lunch. Eating a decent, healthy breakfast will curb your appetite until lunch.
How: Chuck some fruit, yogurt and milk in the blender.

After having said all this, I'd like to mention that these methods are to stop you from eating unhealthy and (all too readily available) vending machine snacks. Never starve yourself to be skinny. Not only is it not healthy, but it doesn't work. When your body realizes that it's in starvation mode, it'll begin to hold onto its fat and won't let you burn it off. You'll end up feeling fat, sluggish and cranky.

Google's PR 0 punishment

2008-07-28T21:56:00.000-04:00

Many of you may have noticed that i haven't been very active in the past 2 weeks. This is mostly because of my recent penalization. Google, in their infinite wisdom, decided that they didn't appreciate my paid advertising. They would rather I use their Adsense program and give them the profit derived from my traffic.

As punishment for my infidelity, my Pagerank was shot down to 0. This essentially killed any chance of me making any money off my blog. Payperpost and Blogsvertise refused to give me any additional tasks. I was pretty bummed out and pissed at Google for pulling such a rat move. I quickly realized that SocialSpark, PayPerPost's sister site, uses RealRank to gauge a site's credibility. If you rely on paid posts to make you online money, you should do the same. Since Google is huge and generally doesn't care about a little sites and their meaningless complaints, you shouldn't hold your breath when submitting a reconsideration request. So let Google take your PR away from you. As long as you have traffic and quality links, your RealRank will be decent and you can get money using SocialSpark.

That is all for now. Quality articles are on the way.

As far as my posts go, I will continue to write articles

Top 5 Celebrity Hypocrites

2008-07-18T20:10:00.000-04:00

Too many people get famous by preaching messages that they themselves don't follow. They publicly condemn actions and influence a slew of people to hang on their every word as if it came directly from the Almighty. Instead of being caught up in these lies, it's about time you deviated from the general public's blissful ignorance and learn the truth about the role models whom society has placed on a pedestal.

Dr. Phil McGraw (1950 - )

His Preach - Every problem has a glamorous and half hour solution
Dr. Phil likes to be the problem solver of all relationship issues. He likes to boast that his daytime talk show is 2nd in the nation because it helps people solve their problems with a "get real" approach.

His Practice - Divorce
Unable to deal with his own problems at home, Dr. Phil is currently undergoing a divorce. He's willing to throw around the hefty sum of $200 million to get his (ex) wife to shut up and not spill the beans on his whole operation. A single testimony from his wife on how terrible he is in the homestead would pretty much kill his career as a self-help guru. How can you let this pseudo-psychology babbling hick tell you how live your life, give the illusion that his half-hour spectacles are actually psychiatry and take oodles of money in the process?

Robert Atkins (1930 - 2003)

His Preach - Carbs=Evil
The famous Atkins diet taught millions of people to avoid carbs like hookers with herpes. Robert Atkins convinced his followers that filling your body with nothing but proteins and totally cutting out carbohydrates would ultimately lead to weight loss and perfect health.

His Practice - Heart Attack
A year before he died, Atkins suffered a heart attack. Eating nothing but fatty steak dinners might have clogged his arteries and left his ol' ticker helpless. I guess that's what we call "poetic justice." In spite of this incident, people continue to hold onto the mindframe that carbs are the spawn of Satan and the consumption of any sort of bread will lead to morbid obesity.

Michael Moore (1954 - )

His Preach - The Righteous Fighter of The Working Man
Mr. Moore likes to portray himself as the "everyday working man." He's always sporting an ill-fitted baseball cap and fronting a 3-day Castaway beard. He claims that he grew up in a working class family and can relate to the lower-tier factory worker. He believes that the world needs to be rid of the fat, rich white men who spawned out of the abomination known as American capitalism.

His Practice - The Fat, Rich White Man Of Whom He Warns
Michael is anything but an everyday working man. He fought to extend his million dollar beach house's private beach onto wetlands. Contradictory to socialist ideology, Moore sends his child to a private school so he won't mingle with the working class.
Moore was never a working class child. His parents both made a decent salary and, as result, Michael grew up in an upper-middle class home in the white, upper-middle class town of Davison, Michigan (Not Flint, as Moore likes to claim.). In reality, Michael Moore is the fat, rich white man he likes to warn people about. He's never had any connection to the "working man." All he's doing is creating propaganda that appeals to the majority of a population. Don't confuse his marketing with righteousness and don't be fooled into thinking he, in any way, represents the working man.

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

His Preach - Tolerance and Faith
Gandhi is remembered as the apitomy of peace, understanding and tolerance. To this day, die-hard hippies like to quote him on their Facebook profiles. It's safe to say that, in the minds of people today, Gandhi was so pure and good meaning, that any negative comments about him is blasphemy. One of his quotes on tolerance went like this:
"Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding."
Gandhi was also a very religious man and believed deeply in the gods of Hinduism. When his wife, Kasturba, was sick with pneumonia, Gandhi refused to allow British doctors administer penicillin. A drug which would've ultimately saved her life. Instead, Gandhi believed that the gods would heal her.

His Practice - Racism and Cowardice
Gandhi was overtly racist. He constantly emphasized that Indians should not be confused with the blacks of South Africa. In the following quote, Kaffir is an ethnic slur aimed at Black South Africans (equivalent to saying "nigger")
“A general belief seems to prevail in the colony that the Indians are little better, if at all, than the savages or natives of Africa. Even the children are taught to believe in that manner, with the result that the Indian is being dragged down to the position of a raw Kaffir”
So much for tolerance. Gandhi went on to say: ""Kaffirs are as a rule uncivilised — the convicts even more so. They are troublesome, very dirty and live almost like animals."
Although letting the gods heal the body was okay for his wife, when Gandhi himself became ill, he immediately insisted that he be given medication. When you force your wife to die then cowardly back away from the same morals that killed her...that kinda makes you a hypocrite....and a huge douche bag.

Al Gore (1948 - )

His Preach - Lower Energy Consumption
Al Gore is making millions of dollars making people feel guilty about their high fuel consumption. Millions of people are spending their hard earned money on "green" products and are going out of their way to be "green" and "eco friendly" because Al Gore says that the world will flood soon.

His Practice - Consume 30 Times More Energy Than The Average American
Al Gore Nashville mansion consumes 30 times more energy than an average home on a monthly basis. While most people burn through 10,656 kilowatt-hours (kWh) per year, Mr. Gore's mansion used up almost 221,000 kWh! After releasing An Inconvenient Truth, energy consumption went up by more than 2,000 kWh in Gore household. His excuse for this is that he invest in renewable energy initatives so, in reality, he's carbon neutral. What he doesn't say is that he's actually investing into his own company. So while you're breaking your head open to "think green" Mr. Gore is laughing his ass off at how he's managed to brainwash millions and live the good life at the same time.

10 Things People Do On Facebook That Piss Me Off

2008-07-16T12:23:00.000-04:00

Just like millions of other people, I've joined Facebook. I'll admit that I enjoy keeping in touch with friends whom I'd otherwise lose touch. As much as I enjoy it, there's still a bunch of stupid shit people do on Facebook that always manages to get under my skin and take a dump on my brain. Here's a bunch of shit that people do on Facebook that merits them a merciless bludgeoning.

#1 Phallic Symbols
Nothing says "I have a small penis and low self-esteem" like someone who decides to post a picture of himself with any kind of firearm. Don't assume that posting a picture of you with an M-16 without a caption makes you casual about the whole idea. You still might as well be a 9-year-old running to his schoolyard chums yelling "Guys, guys! I got to hold I gun! I feel so cool now." Unless you used that gun for anything other than a 1 time target practice on your Uncle Buck's incestuous ranch, posting that picture makes you a poser. You should be ashamed of yourself. Go to your room.

#2 Phake Photoshop
Congratulations, you've installed a program that takes up approximately 600 Mb of hard drive space just so you can play with a few color filters. Do you think upping the contrast and applying a Gaussian blur to a picture of you and your friends makes you a graphic designer? It doesn't. It just makes you look like a pretentious douche. If your total history is under 15 actions, you've done dick all to your picture. You're only bastardizing Photoshop by using it solely to neon glow and emboss your pictures....ass.

#3 Irrelevant Status
The "status" feature on Facebook was created to let your friends know what you're doing or where you are. For example, you could be "busy studying" or "finally on vacation". This feature wasn't designed so you can showcase your favorite downloaded, generic emo quote of the day. If I wanted to see your favorite quote, I would take the time to scroll down to "favorite quotes." Do you make a habit out of placing shit where it doesn't belong? If I invite you over, will you take a crap on my lamp?

#4 Philosophy minute
When Facebook asks you your religion, it's to give you the possibility to network with people of the same belief. No one asked you to write a pseudo-witty phrase regarding your atheist (or other) views on religion. Simply writing that you're an atheist is acceptable. You won't see religious people writing "I'm Jewish, and you're a fucking tool if you're not." Pasting a Nietzsche or Pritchard quote to exemplify your world views doesn't make you an intellectual; it just makes you a pompous dickhead.

#5 Facebook Pimps
When your marital status is "in a relationship" people can assume by themselves that you and your partner kiss occasionally. Posting pictures of your pre-pubescent make out sessions isn't something your online peers enjoy. Yes, occasionally your girl friends will post a comment like "aw, cutest couple ever" but the other 99% of the Facebook population is either trying not to yak on their keyboards or are pissing their pants at the thought of how sexually insecure you are. You two aren't "cute" or "adorable." You're pathetic. Social networks and softcore porn should never be confused.

#6 Group Petitions
Every now and then I get an invite to group that needs X amount of people to accomplish a task. "If 550 people join, Jimmy will buy a bottle of Skyy on Saturday" "100 people to get Britney Henderson on Facebook." If Britney doesn't have time to waste on Facebook, that's her prerogative. Leave Britney alone! She's a human! Of all the causes in this world to which you could donate your time, getting someone to accomplish an ultimately useless task isn't the most crucial. Not only did you waste your own time by creating the group, but you've also wasted my time when I have to click "Reject Invitation."...you bastard.

#7 Forced compliments
Occasionally, some totally ugly chick will post some photos of herself dressed up for a special event. Immediately, her girlfriends will begin to swarm the photo with their generous yet generic compliments: "OMG, Stacey. Ur gorg!","So hot! Luv ya." We all know you really mean: "Wow, you're a lot less fugly in this pic than you usually are." You're not fooling anyone. Just because someone has their hair and makeup done, doesn't mean they're Tara Reid. Sometimes I feel like I've stumbled on some ancient girl pact to always compliment each other's beauty despite...each other's beauty. You'll never catch any guys rushing to post fake praise on each other's prom pictures. Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. You people make me sick.

#8 Clubbing Shots
No, I'm not talking about the, ordinarily funny, seal clubbing pictures. I'm talking about people who feel the urge to take a picture of themselves on a crowded dance floor drinking from a $20 bottle of vodka that cost them $110. What's running through your mind when you're taking this picture? "I'm gonna put this picture up on Facebook and everyone will know that I tear it up on weekends." Unfortunately, you just look like a putz who has to prove himself to people who will only have a 1.5 second glance at each picture. Congratulations, baller, you're officially a turd sandwich.

#9 Applications
Thanks to Facebook making their source code publicly available, millions of people can now piss the shit out of one another with a barrage of useless applications. In a network that was once devoted purely to online communication between classmates, people can now waste hours filling out surveys and having a JavaScript application telling them what kind of person they are. The worst part is that all this stupid shit gets flaunted on the profile page, which then turns into a MySpace page. "Look! My Sex in the City IQ is 138!" Good for you. Now end your life.

#10 Useless Arguments
Once upon a time, when people had an important political message they'd want to convey to the public, they'd take to the streets with a passion. Now any shitbreak with 15 minutes will just create a political group with a few government-bashing pictures and consider himself a revolutionary. The worst part of all this is that it leads to heated arguments. What the fuck are you wasting so much time arguing for? Firstly, you won't end up convincing the other side. Secondly, you won't gather an audience since no one cares enough to read through your heat-of-the-moment typos and nonsense. Thirdly, in a matter of days it'll be a part of an archive and no one will ever see your 45 minutes of writing ever again. No one will refer back to your arguments or quote you. You might has well have sat on your ass and watched midget porn. At least that makes for an interesting story.

That last image might not be to everyone's taste, but such is life. I know it'll get some guilty chuckles. That's a wrap for this list. Wow, that took a while to write. I know everyone reading this has committed at least one of the aforementioned sins. Your god(s) hate(s) you for it and so do I.

Lose Weight With Little Effort

2008-07-13T23:00:00.000-04:00

Everyone is looking for a magic fix. Nobody wants to work to lose weight and the reality is that, sometimes, they don't need to. Funny, huh? The truth is that a suprisingly significant weight loss can be achieved through a series of small decisions. There's no secret to any of this. You can find it out on your own through surfing but I'm going to deliver them all to you because: a) I'm an amazing and sympathetic individual and b) You're a lazy shlub who's constantly looking for the quickest, easiest way to squeeze into a bathing suit this swim season. So, without further adieu, here's what you're going to do to shed pounds and why.

What: Eat spicy foods.
How: Order the spicy meals at restaurants and buy a bottle of hot sauce for home. Whatever you feel can be spiced up (i.e. chili, pasta, bbq meat)
Why: There are many reasons why spicy foods will help you lose weight. You'll end up eating less. You'll drink more water. Your metabolism will go up causing you to burn more fat. Your digestive system works harder to break down spicy foods. All together, you can't go wrong with a little spice in your life. While it's a myth that spicy foods will cause an ulcer, it's true that spicy foods may aggravate pre-existing stomach conditions.

What: Eat early in the morning.
How: Eat as many quick, healthy meals as you can in the morning (i.e. instant oatmeal, an apple, egg in the microwave)
Why: The sooner you eat in the morning, the sooner you get your metabolism running in the day. In this way, you can maximize your bodies fat burning efficiency each day.

What: Eat sparingly and frequently
How: Ziplocs will become your new best friend in this task. Cereal, dried fruit, almonds, etc. can all be placed in Ziplocs and whipped out when you're feeling even a fiendish. You'd be surprised at how well a snack-sized Ziploc of almonds will crush a hunger pang.
Why: This works to make you lose weight in two ways. Firstly, it prevents you from gorging when a big meal comes along. Secondly, frequent food intake lets your body know that it isn't in a situation of starvation and it has the green light to go ahead and burn as much fat as is needed since fat storage isn't required.

What: Eat with chopsticks.
How: Not too hard to figure this one out. When the meal allows (stir fry, chicken pieces, chinese noodles) eat with chopsticks.
Why: Your lack of cultural diversity will inevitably cause you to eat your meal more slowly and will give your stomach the proper time to tell your brain when it's full. Surprisingly, there's a 20-minute gap between the time you've eaten enough and your brain knows that you've eaten enough. Some people will eat an extra 20 minutes worth of extra food that will become fat and leave you with that painful stomach-bursting sensation.

What: Use ankle weights.
How: Ankle weights are these straps that wrap around your ankle with velcro. Some models contain a series of half-pound sand bags that allow you to adjust the weight. Most models are quite discreet and will go unseen when covered with pants.
Why: Every step will have you burning more calories. A trip up the stairs becomes an amped-up mini workout. This is one of my favorite methods because it totally blends a full leg workout into your day.

What: Use small spoon, tall glasses, and small plates without patterns.
How: The wonders of capitalism make this quite the easy task.
Why: All these items will trick your mind into thinking that your consuming more food than you actually are. This will cause you to eat and drink less. How much less? Using a tall, slim glass will cause you to pour yourself about 34% less drink than you would if you used a short, stubby glass. Using a small, plain plate will have you eating about 23% less than a large, decorated plates. Using a smaller spoon will sometimes cause you to eat up to 36% less food than you would with a larger spoon.

What: Sit up
How: Stop slouching, you lazy shmuck.
Why: Sitting up straight will cause you to contract your lower back muscles and will stretch out your abs. This gradually works your core and might just be the final step into getting some defined six-pack line in your stomach.
What: Have a soup/salad
How: Tell the nice waiterman that you'd like the soup du jour or a salad
Why: A warm soup or a fresh salad 15 minutes before your meal is likely to have you eating less of your meal. Odds are, your meal will contain much more fat than a soup or salad.

What: Eat brown bread
How: When the waiter at your favorite breakfast joint asks if you want white or brown bread, take the brown. When at the grocery store, forget about your bleached white bread. Opt for something multi-grain
Why: White bread is garbage. It's chemically bleached and has absolutely no health benefits. Whole wheat bread has the fiber and nutrients you'll need to have a slim figure

So there you have 10 ways to lose weight without any hard work on your part. That's right, Benny Hill, even you can shed a few pounds. If you think this is all you'll need to do, you're wrong, as usual. To get the body everyone wants you to have, you're going to have to sweat but until you get your lazy ass off the couch, these tips should help you get started on the road to sweating off your jello butt and rubber love handles. Lastly, as glorious as I may be, I'm not your doctor. Before making any big dietary decisions, you should discuss your hair-brained ideas with a physician. See ya soon. Don't come back until you're slim.

Beat Your Kids. They'll Thank You For It Later

2008-07-13T01:52:00.000-04:00

I'm not one to tolerate stupidity in any of it's forms. Actions and words that haven't been properly thought out before they're thrown into a social situation are nails on a blackboard to me. That's why, above all else, I cannot stand kids. What's the appeal of having a drunken midget plowing into your valuables and creating a scene when their inferior, developing bladders burst at the seams?

I don't know about you, but every time I see a bratty kid demand another toy from his weak willed mother, I feel like jumping on him without showing the same shoe removal courtesy as I do to a trampoline. I know what you're thinking: "They're G-d's little miracle", "You were a kid too." Firstly, something that never shuts up and is constantly running into things isn't "a miracle", it's that drunk guy at the party whom everyone wishes would just go home. Secondly, I was never a child. I sublimated into adulthood after I realized that crappy macaroni art and making a scene at department stores isn't getting me on anyone's good side.

I'm sorry for depressing you, Mrs. Soccer Mom. Now you'll have to get yourself some Prozac when you pick up your kid's Ritalin. Don't be too glum; there's hope for you yet. The next time your kid acts up, show 'em the stiff side of your belt. Nothing says: "I love you but I want you to shut the fcuk up" like the smack of leather followed by the sting of a belt buckle. That's right, beat the snot out of your kids, they'll thank you for it later. Until next time; help control the child population by getting yourself spayed or neutered. Peace out, suckas.

How to Make Money Through Blog Advertising

2008-07-10T10:10:00.000-04:00

As dumb as you guys all are, I'm sure that even you've noticed that my whole blog is littered with ads. I won't lie; I enjoy making money off of my blog and I'm sure you'd like to do the same with your two-bit internet operations. That's why, being the generous and caring individual that i am, I'll let you in on the best ways to monetize your blog and end up with some extra do re mi in your paypal account.

Blogsvertise - I'd say that this is your #1 starting point when it comes to advertising in your blog. They're the most accepting of n00b, pagerank 0 bloggers. Advertisements get assigned to you by Blogsvertise as well as chosen by you from a "grab bag" of tasks rejected by other bloggers. You'll start of making 2-5 bucks per advertisement, but what do you expect when you barely have any visitors? Later one, you'll be seeing $10-$15 per advertisement with the potential to earn up to $50 per 75 word article.

Sponsored Reviews - This site has a slightly different format. Instead of being offered a wage for your articles, you approach companies with bids and your money making depends on whether or not they accept the offer. What sucks hardest about this site is that they take a nice big cut of your profits so you don't end up making anywhere near the amount you would at

ReviewMe - This site, like blogsvertise, will assign you tasks but it's less reliable. There is no ideal grab bag feature and you could go months between tasks. Keep this site on your back burner.

PayPerPost - This is the site of which I originally wanted to be a part when I decided that i want to get paid to blog. PayPerPost will supply you with a nice long list of advertisers of which you can choose. I'll warn you now that many of them don't appreciate Blogspot as your blog host. Either way, if you have a high enough pagerank, PayPerPost is where you'll start making, on average, $20 per post but, as you get bigger, you could be seeing payouts as high as $150+. It is rather tough to get accepted by them, however. Before accepting you, they'll want to see 10 original, substancial posts within the past 30 days. If you're someone who writes nice, beefy articles, this can be somewhat of a daunting task. For those of you who wimp out and just blog a single line about how you hate your conformist parents or resent the Starbucks corporation, it might be a tad easier to spit out 10 annoying, generic posts.

Blogging Ads - I've yet to receive any assignments from this site. You can try your luck, but I regret wasting time on this.

LoudLaunch - These shnitheads took forever to get back to me and when they finally did, they rejected me. I don't really know why. Their loss. Maybe I'll waste some more time on them a bit later, but I doubt it.

In all these recommendations, I'm assuming you have a rather small and budding blog. If this is the case, then banners and AdSense aren't worth your time. You're not really generating enough traffic to see any profit from these tools. If you're looking to make money off pop-up ads, you're going to have a tough time getting accepted by pop-up ad companies since they have a high standard when it comes to the traffic on the sites they accept.

On a final note, blog advertisement, apart from selling crap on eBay, is the only instance when I made significant money with my online shenanigans. Paid surveys, paid friends networks, paid internet surfing and free Xbox/PS3/Wii programs are all scams and are definitely not worth your time. There's no easy money anywhere on the internet. Don't let any pop-up or banner convince you otherwise. Also, don't let anyone convince you that you're, in any way, equal to me. I'll always be better than you in every way imaginable. I'll always be there to take your women and pee in your toilet tank so that when you flush, pee comes out. Lates, suckas.

How to Survive Torture

2008-06-29T01:01:00.000-04:00

We all pray that no harm will ever come to us but sadly, that's not always the case. Since I'm the man who takes you under his wing, I'll teach you how to survive the unthinkable. One day, when you're a covert spy being tortured, you'll think back and thank me for this. Without further adieu, here's how you'll withstand torture.

Plan your escape

If you're fortunate enough to be unmasked when you're brought to your cell, you can already begin to plot your escape. It's important to realize that, even if you co-operate, your captors aren't likely to let you go with a fruit basket and a "thank you" card. Try to remember any codes or hallways you spot. Try to find flaws or patterns in the building. These may just save your life when you're making your daring escape.

Wimp out

When you're being tortured, remember that you're lower than a piece of shit. You should be fearful and submissive at any moment. Though acting like a tough smartass may work for James Bond, it'll piss off your guards and label you as useless or uncooperative. That'll get you killed or tortured harder. Instead of being a rock, be more like a gelatine. Gelatine will mold, squish and give in to any sort of force but it will never let go of its moisture. In the same way, you should show pain (even exaggerate it) but you'll never let go of your information.

Transcend the physical

If you're not a man of religion, then it's time to find God. Many have reported that meditation can help you overcome extreme stress and pain. Buddhist monks have managed amazing physical feats like surviving Himalayan winters or burning to death without moving an inch simply through the power of meditation. Try to take yourself to a better place and, as impossible as it may sound, leave your pain behind.

Pass out

I know you pass out real quick after 4 beers at every frat party you've ever been to, but this is very different. Passing out in this situation can buy you some mercy from your captors if they believe that you are passing out from pain. Their motivation isn't to knock you out with pain, but rather apply as much pain as you can consciously tolerate. There are two ways to manually pass yourself out. The first way is to hyperventilate yourself. Instead of taking regular, shallow breaths, start taking heavy, lung-filling breaths in and out. This disruption will actually mess up with the oxygen getting to your brain. You should go into a trance-like, painfree state just before you pass out. The second way of passing out is by crounching down and taking a few deep breaths. After 5 minutes of heavy breathing, exhale everything in your lungs and stand up quickly. The lack of blood and oxygen in your brain should knock you right out.

Stay Positive

The final, and most important, piece of advice is to never give up. When you give up hope psychologically, your body physically gives into the stress and begins to weaken and shut itself down. You must always remain calm and confident. Freaking, panicking and acting irrational is also negative. It puts additional stress on your body and mind and will only result in an increased probability of you dying.

That, in brief is how one would survive a torture situation. Once again, you should pray that you never have to draw upon any of these skills, but it's always good to be prepared. Try to stay safe and, no matter what, always be strong. Peace out, SuperSpy.

12 Ways To Extend Your Laptop Battery Life

2008-06-19T08:39:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting in the library, saving the world using nothing but a laptop and my trusty jockstrap when, suddenly, my laptop runs out of battery. It seems as if I get less and less time out of my laptop every time. I've decided to go on a quest for longer battery life. I know you want to be just like me, so here's how you can do the same:

1) Uninstall unnecessary programs - This is easy. In the control panel, just click the "Add/Remove Program icon and remove anything you don't use'

2) Clean out your spyware - Spyware can cause unneeded processes to run and waste your battery. Download Spybot S&D and Ad-Aware to fully rid your computer of the pesky bugs. (They're both free, you cheapass)

3) Clean your registry - With all the porn software you download, your registry can get pretty messed up and it can cause your computer to work harder for nothing. Download Wise Registry Cleaner and have your registry spic and span.

4) Blackwash your desktop - Whatever can customized on your desktop in terms of color (ie: windows, taskbar, wallpaper. etc.) should be black. Your laptop screen is normally black and the white is created with a backlight. The less you use your backlight, the more battery power you save. For my windows I use Windows Blinds (that costs money...unless you torrent it) and I use a free skin for Firefox (internet browser). Be careful not to apply Windows Blinds to Firefox. Create an exception for Firefox since, together, they'll suck up a lot of resources. Instead of using Google, use Blackle. It's the same thing but in black. Here's what my desktop looks like. I also like to dim my screen for extra saving.

5) Defragment your hard drive - Your system files, like your messy house, will eventually look like a war zone and nothing is where it should be. When your hard drive has to run around looking for its files, it wastes a lot of battery power. Defragmenting your hard drive will put everything back where it belongs. Go to Start>All Programs>Accessories>System Tools>Disk Defragmenter and push "Defragment." Easy, huh?

6) Stop useless processes - If you're smart enough, you can push Ctrl+Alt+DDel and stop useless process like iTunesUpdater and other useless processes

7) Turn off your wireless card - Some of the newer laptops have a button on the outside that can turn off the wireless network car. If have the ability to do this, then you can save your computer a lot of battery if you don't plan on using the internet.

8) Mute your speakers - Obvious reasons

9) Ditch the auto-save - MS word's autosave feature will use up resources

10) Keep your laptop running at room temperature - When it's too cold, your battery becomes inefficient and when it's too hot, your fan has to work harder to keep your processor cool.

11) Avoid DVDs and CDs - The motor that spins your DVD or CD takes up extra battery power. Running off the hard drive prevents you from having to rely on CD/DVDs

12) Increase your RAM - The more random access memory (RAM) your computer has, the less hard it needs to work to run all the processes. Upping your RAM will give you a noticeably longer battery life.

The extra time you'll get out of your laptop will vary. Personally, I managed to double my CPU life by applying most of these methods. I'm sure that, if you follow these guidelines, you'll see some significant increase in your battery time and you won't have to cut your porn time short. Enjoy, suckas.

7 ways to prevent heart failure

2008-06-17T21:12:00.000-04:00

Let's face it, you're not a young buck anymore. You have to start watching your health. The days of being up all night partying and drinking are behind you and the most the thing that would give you the most thrill right now is outliving all you friends. That's why I'm going to help you out with some tips on how to prevent heart failure.

1) Whole Wheat Breakfast - Starting the day with a whole wheat cereal will reduce the risk of heart failure. To qualify as "whole grain" a breakfast cereal must contain at least 25% oat or bran.

2) Excercise - Getting off your couch and taking a brisk 30 minute walk can reduce your risk of heart disease by up to 50%. I think that's well worth it.

3) Stop Smoking - It's obvious that smoking will cause you heart problems further down the road. If you really want to be healthy, kick the habit. Otherwise, enjoy your stinky breath, yellow teeth and black lungs.

4) Booze it up - Once a day, it's actually beneficial to have either a glass of red wine, a light beer or a shot of tequila. Each has its own clinically proven benefits. Including heart disease prevention and cancer prevention.

5) Apples and Oranges - Having coffee every day can make you jittery and raise your stress levels. Stress can eventually lead to heart problems. An apple alone will do a better job of waking you up in the morning. When coupled with an orange, you ensure yourself a great boost for the morning.

6) Enter Sandman - Getting the right hours of sleep will reduce stress and help your body maintain itself more efficiently. Staying up late and sleeping in on weekends doesn't count as getting the right hours. Your body reserves 10 pm to 7 am for deep sleep. Those are the hours you want to target in order to get the full benefit of your slumber.

7) Pill Popping - Taking a baby aspirin daily, surprisingly enough, can lower you risk of heart failure. Aspirin thins out your blood and, in the process, will prevent the formation of clots. Be careful not to take an adult aspirin daily as it could lead to potentially serious bleeding.

There's no guarantee you'll be as healthy as me, even after all these steps. Still, it doesn't hurt to strive to be as much like me as you physically can. No matter what you do, heart failure is still a risk in your older years. Should the day come that you have a heart attack and you have to be defibrillated, you better cross your fingers that it's not part of a defibrillator recall too many people die from faulty defibrillators. On the bright side, if you live to tell the tail, you can make yourself a pretty little lawsuit. Keep healthy, you fat shlub.

How to Catch a Bluff

2008-06-12T19:14:00.000-04:00

I play poker every now and then and I'll be the first to admit that I know very little about the game. I just barely know the rules and when it comes to calculating odds, I'm pretty much braindead. How is it that I manage to win all the time and you're losing all your money? Because I never play my own hand, I play everyone else's. Here's a quick way how you can be just like me and milk the bluffers and avoid the big hands. Eventually you'll know how to win at poker (this line, in case you didn't notice, is to hook google searchers).

Eye contact - A bluffer will make very little eye contact since, subconsciously, they feel bad about lying about their hands. When they're hesitant to look people in the eye and sometimes look at objects, that's you're first cue to start raising.

Hand position - When your opponent puts his hands together in front of him, it could be another indication that he's lying. His hands are subconsciously a protection for him since he's afraid that he might be caught.

Check frequency - Someone with pocket aces will only need to look at their hand once. You have to be pretty stupid to forget that you're holding pocket aces. People with shit hands will constantly look back to see if there's any possibility that they might have overseen a possibility. If your opponent looks at his hand 3 or more times, it's safe to say that his confidence is wavering.

Beer behaviour - When sitting around a table in your parents basement playing cards (like you usually do, the ultimate tell can be the beer. After your opponent checks his hand, watch closely what he does with his beer. If he immediately takes a sip and puts it down without hesitation, he's feeling pretty good about himself and you should back off. If, however, you notice that he holds his beer and doesn't drink from it right away or drinks and then fiddles with the label, it's apparent that he's worried about the hand he just saw. If you want to get him to fold out, now would be a good time to scare him off with a high bid.

Calculators - Some people are able to really work out the odds of the deck and can calculate their chances of winning. You should never mistake this for insecurity. Too many people will mistake the calculation for insecurity when, in reality, human calculator are more even more confident after their calculation pause. How can you tell if the hesitation isn't calculation? Once again, it depends on his check frequency. If he checks his cards often, he's not calculating, he's looking for any possible opening for his crappy hand.

If you don't have any friends, you can always play poker online at Full Tilt Poker. Their special offer now is their Full Tilt Poker referral code. I'm assuming this Full Tilt Bonus will let you spend even more money on poker. No matter what PokerStars Bonus Code you use, it doesn't compare to taking your friends money and using it to buy cookie dough ice cream and 2,000 chicken nuggets. It's important to remember that no method is concrete and will work all the time. The method you should be dying to find is one that works MOST of the time. As long as it works more often that it doesn't, you're turning a profit. I know I'll gamble responsibly, and I hope you will too...unless you play against me. In that case, have a bus pass on you because I'll be driving your car home, sucka. Lates

Lightbulbs Are Your Friend

2008-06-10T22:51:00.000-04:00

I saw a commercial the other day (I'll post it here if I find it on YouTube). This commercial showed a girl telling her dad about choosing fluorescent light bulbs of incandescent ones. According to the narrator, she had learned this "green" technique from a "go green" representative that came to her school. Does it not strike anyone as the least bit suspicious that children are being indoctrinated with this mountain of shit we know as the green movement? There is still debate as to whether or not man's actions are the reason for climate change. It wasn't long ago that Hitler youth were brainwashed into believing the Nazi ideals. Now we're creating a new generation who is afraid of the world coming to an end and, in order to save the world, we have to invest in the green movement. I was convinced that brainwashing on such a large scale wouldn't happen again since people have learned their lesson since then, but I forgot how fucking blind Americans are. What else should I expect from a nation of which 20% of the population doesn't know that the earth revolves around the sun.

So I will continue to buy my non-green light fixtures and I won't listen to Al Gore, whose Nashville mansion consumes 10 times more electricity than the standard home. I'm going to buy the highest wattage chandeliers and ceiling light fixtures and you're going to continue spending a fortune on "energy-friendly" light bulbs. Do you know why? Because I don't believe everything a 2-minute commercial and a single, crappy "documentary" tells me. You, on the other hand, are a sheep. You'll go wherever you're herded will ultimately end up squeezed dry. The only way out of this grim fate is to hire me as your personal digital mentor and send me $5 a month via paypal. Could you really afford not to?

How To Be The Nice Guy And Still Get The Girl

2008-05-23T00:31:00.000-04:00

It happens all too often and it’s a sad sight to see; a guy thinks he’ll charm a girl by being the rebellious bad boy. Unfortunately, not all girls want to be with Charlie Sheen’s character in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. If this is the case with the girl you’re seeing, you might have to change your tactics because, in this day and age, nice guys don’t always finish last. Here are some ways to be the perfect nice guy and get the girl.

Steal the snake’s venom

Sometimes girls will tell you that they love the bad boy attitude and it’s hard to understand why. He’s dishonest, insincere and rude. All the traits you wouldn’t want to see in a mate. However, he does possess one trait that overpowers all the others: confidence. No matter what you’ll see the bad boy do, he’ll do it with confidence. So even though a woman might be dragged through the mud by her boyfriend, she still knows that he’s a strong, confident man. If you can be a nice guy and still show her you’re confident and strong, then you’re money.

Dangerously Good

You should never confuse being nice with being boring. It’s all too often that nice guys fall into the trap of being boring with all their orthodox compliments and actions. One reason why girls get turned off of the “nice guy” is because he lacks excitement and unpredictability. Try taking her places she’s never been to or do things she’s never done. When the excitement puts her on her toes, she looks to you for guidance and the fact that you’re playing the nice guy makes you look ten times greater.

Don’t let your job define you

One pitfall into which the “nice guy” sometimes falls is talking too much about his job. Unless you’re a professional rock climber or a daredevil, your job is boring. You can’t mask it. It doesn’t usually make for great conversation because, even though you may be passionate about it, she’s not. The “bad boy” will usually talk about exciting events that will grab the date’s attention as opposed to a ritual he does all day every day. Instead of yapping on about your occupation, try talking about life experiences and, if you’re lucky and don’t act boastfully, she’ll be impressed and possibly relate to them.

Over Polite

Chivalry is an art that will never die; however, it can very easily be overdone. When guys get nervous and insecure about a girl’s feelings, they often try to be over polite to compensate. It’s obvious how this can backfire. There’s nothing wrong with opening a door for your date but when you start to stand when she leaves the table and holding her chair while she sits down is a bit excessive and will not only make her feel awkward but also make you seem creepy. Keep the gestures moderate and within current society’s norms and you’ll do just fine.

Save Your Smiles

Even though you may be excited and you’re smiling because you’re nervous, smiling too much makes you seem weak and no woman worth having is drawn to weakness. Everywhere in nature, a smile is sign of fear and submission. From monkeys to wolves, animals use the smile to lower themselves in front of dominant figures. Your smile can be your white flag or your ultimate weapon. Holding your smile for when it counts not only makes you seem more confident, but also makes you appear more sincere in your toothy grin.

Blinded by the light

One of the best trademark techniques of the nice guy is listening. Unlike the “bad boy”, the nice guy will take an interest (or at least pretend to take an interest) in what his date has to talk about. If there’s one subject people love, it’s themselves. When you’re with your date, try keeping the spotlight on her. She’ll love the conversation and, to her mystery, she’ll like you even though she knows little about you. You just seemed so bright the whole night by shining the spotlight on her.

In summary, the ideal “good guy” will take the better points from the “bad boy” and rid himself of all the stereotypes associated with being the nice guy who finishes last. If you manage to find your perfect mix of danger and charm, you’ll not only give your date a great time, but also leave her with a craving for more. Until next time; be good and be cool.

11 Ways to Have a Better, More Trafficked Blog

2008-05-01T23:13:00.000-04:00

So it’s been about 9 months since I’ve started this blog and, in that time, my hits per month have gone up 600% That’s 600x time better anything you’ve done. Since I’m an infinitely nice guy, I’ll let you know how you can do the same and share in my success and increase your blog traffic with QUALITY hits.

Rule #1: Nobody gives a shit about what you had for breakfast or when you bought the latest Hannah Montana album. If you expect to get hits, you have to write something people want to read. What do people want to read? People want to read about their favorite person: themselves. To every living, breathing individual, nothing is more important than their own lives. Anyone else’s life or opinions, with few exceptions, has little importance to them. Good writing will help the reader and isn’t just a vent of how crappy your egg McMuffin was this morning. Let the reader know shit they want to hear…like how to improve their blog.

Rule #2: The human brain is frustrated by having to read narrow columns. A lot of time is wasted by traveling from the end of one line to the beginning of the next one. Overall, it makes your articles look a lot longer than someone would want to read. When you start off on any free blogging service, like blogspot, find a template elsewhere online and switch it right away. It’s a simple copy paste. Knowing some basic HTML helps out mounds.

Rule #3: Add pictures with every entry. Nobody likes seeing a page full of text. It’s intimidating to see and no one who’s leisurely surfing the net wants to brave through a daunting text. Whenever possible, add a picture of a half naked woman. You have no idea how many people you’ll pick up from Google images searches. About 10% of those people will stick around and read some articles.

Rule #4: If you plan on making money, keep them out of the way of your articles. If your text is littered with stupid advertisements, you can bet your sweet Pringles-eating ass that your readers will hit the “back” button after 3 seconds.

Rule #5: Sign up with www.blogsoldiers.com . This is an online system in where you surf other people’s blogs in exchange for hits to your own. If you sit down with it for about an hour, you’ll have a nice trickle of hits from it for the next few months. This isn’t really generating quality hits since people will only stop by your page for the mandatory 20 seconds then leave but, occasionally, you’ll catch someone who sticks around and reads your articles. If that person enjoys your blog enough to check back (happened to me on several occasions) then you know your page is eye-catching and you’ve done a good job in the design and layout.

Rule #6: Sometimes hundreds of hits to your blog depend on just one word. One relevant word that you forgot to include could cost you. Download yourself a keyword fisher. You’ll enter your subject and it’ll search the net for relevant words that bigger sites use. Using the suggested relevant words could help you get more hits from Google searches.

Rule #7: Stay away from dodgy hit generators. I know this sounds a bit hypocritical considering rule #5, but blog soldiers is an exception. Google will be able to tell when your hits are fakes and you’ll end up with a lower pagerank.

Rule #8: Keep your game clean and avoid porn. There are 3 reasons for this. Firstly, you’re limiting your readership when there’s nudity on the page. People will avoid reading articles when others are around (in class, coffee shops, libraries, etc.). Secondly, when guys start seeing full out nudity, they’ll forget all about your site and go to their favorite porn site. Lastly, you’ll qualify for fewer advertisers when you have adult content on your site. Stick semi-naked to the semi-naked pics and you’ll be fine.

Rule #9: Sign up to a traffic analyzer site like www.sitemeter.com. You’ll be able to see what people are searching up to get to your site and which of your links are working. This will give you some hints as to where to advertise next.

Rule #10: No one will psychically know about your blog and enter the URL. You have to get your name out on the web. The more diverse link you have pointing towards your blog, the better. People will come from all over and Google will give you a higher pagerank, which will further boost traffic. Post links in the comments section of similar posts in popular blogs or sites. Ask any contacts with high pageranks to link to you. Never copy and paste a standard message like “I have some more good tips at www.imadouch.com” all over the net. Google will pick up on this and see you as a spammer. Write a unique message every time.

Rule #11: Even if you have a surge of good ideas for articles, don’t write them all at once. Jot some notes down and save them for later. All too often, writers will get burnt out after writing a dozen entries and not post for another few months, if at all. This irregularity is also bad for readers who might just be returning for the first time and will be deterred from returning again because of the lack of updates.

How Global Warming Conflicts With Your Religion

2008-04-05T13:48:00.000-04:00

If you still believe in all this global warming bullshit, not only are you stupid but you're also a hypocrite. That's right; you're a turd sandwich and you didn't even know! It doesn't matter which philosophy you follow, it conflicts with the ridiculous notion of global warming. Here's why:

Jewish/Christian?

After the flood, G-d promised never to flood the earth: "I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of a flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth." (Genesis 9:11) So if you believe Al Gore's fantasy of the ice caps melting and flooding the world, you're saying that G-d went back on his word and are, therefore, going to hell, you sacrilegious bastard.

Atheist/Agnostic?

You either don't think there is a god or don't care. Whatever the case may be, you think the evidence pointing towards the existence of a higher being is sketchy and, in some cases, exaggerated. Right? Well the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC), the panel of 2500 scientist that Al Gore loves to cite, contains many scientists who disagree with global warming all together. Also, the famous "hockey stick graph" that Al Gore uses has been shown to be false and uses fabricated numbers like a CO2 increase of 1% a year when it's really .5% That's a 100% margin of error. If you dismiss evidence of G-d as inconsistent and anecdotal, then you have absolutely no reason to believe global warming, you godless sucka.

Flying Spaghetti Monster?

Bobby Henderson emphasizes that correlation doesn't imply causality (not a revolutionary concept) by illustrating the correlation between global temperatures and the amount of pirates in the world. Your "religion" outrightly denounces global warming, so you're a total tool if you still believe in alarmist environmental theories.

Islamic?

Though Muslims are quite spread out, they are found mostly in the Arab penninsula and Northern Africa, where 90-100% of the population is Muslim. That being the case, climate change policy will disadvantage these countries the most. Arab countries rely heavily on oil for political leverage. African countries would very much like to develop their country by being able to exploit their coal resources. Unfortunately, global warming policy is trying to keep Africa "green." This means that they're forced to use solar energy instead of their cheap coal. The problem with that is no one can afford solar panels. Hospitals are forced to run without electricity because solar panels are out of reach. Ya, that's totally fair. The West can use coal in the industrial revolution to advance themselves, but not Islamic Africa.

Church of Heaven's Gate?

The earth's being recycled. Stop whining and kill yourself.

Satanist?

The first tenet of Satanism is to indulge rather than to abstain. You won't find Al Gore, with his global warming notions, wanting to have less laws and control over people. According to Al Gore, we've been very bad and now we have to abstain from many of life's pleasures. Not very Satanist if you ask me.

No matter what your religion, Al Gore is Satan....unless you're a Satanist. Then he's Jesus. Even if you believe in no god at all, Al Gore represents a contradiction in your philosophy. So know this: whoever you are and whatever you believe; you're a hypocritical douche if you believe in global warming. Peace out, fool.

How to Speed Date...Successfully

2008-03-20T09:56:00.000-04:00

It’s become more and more obvious that technology is speeding up the pace at which business is done. The result is a population that is obsessed with speed and efficiency. Unfortunately, some individuals carry the same logic over to their dating life. The first steps of dating are stressful and intimidating. That’s why some people are attracted to speed dating. The motivation to go to a sped dating event is to get the process over with as quickly as possible and keeping the awkward moments to a minimum. Don’t be fooled into thinking that speed dating is like a bunch of mini dates. The strategies are quite different. Imagine regular dating a reading various articles in a newspaper. Speed dating is like reading a news paper by its headlines. If the headlines are appealing and clever enough, the reader is enticed to continue reading the newspaper. In the same way, you have to appeal to your date in little time using very few words. On the plus side, maybe this will be better for you because your date won't have much time to realize what a shmuck you are. Here are some ways to ensure you get that second date you’re after.

Save Your Best Smile

I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s even more important in this context. Your date knows that you’re seeing a lot of other women that night. If you’re too much of a smile whore then your toothy grin looses all its impact. Instead, hold your smile for the best moments like after she says something entertaining. When she feels that you’re genuinely enjoying yourself, she’ll feel as if she’s something special and that’s what will get you the next date.

Chin Up

While you may only get the chance to express five minutes worth of words, your body language could be screaming “I’m an insecure, douche of a man”. In the short time you have during your audition, it’s crucial that you appear calm and confident since the goal is to pique her curiosity and have her drawn to you even if she doesn’t understand why. Firstly, it’s important to sit up straight. Save your gangsta lean for the Impala. Keeping a straight back shows your full height. In their unconscious primitive minds, women are looking for the best and strongest specimen with whom to mate. Taller individuals are usually seen as being stronger and better leaders. While straightening your posture, you should also be looking. This may seem obvious, but you'd be amazed at how many Neanderthals will slouch in front of their date and fuck the whole thing up for themselves.

Save Your Best Smile

In a speed dating situation, odds are that your date’s been asked her occupation and hobbies a thousand times over. She’ll remember you a lot more if you don’t talk about generic topics. Try asking about her favorite childhood cartoon, ideal vacation, etc. Stay away from topics that will make you seem too random or weird. You want to appear original, not as if you live in your parents’ basement and have a booger collection...even though you probably do.

Aim The Spotlight

Although it sometimes may be easier to keep conversation going by talking about yourself, it makes for sucky dialogue. People love themselves more than anyone in the world. Talking about themselves is an incredibly enjoyable activity. If you think about it, the only reason you’re reading this is because it’s about you and not what I did yesterday. This is the exact passion that you should be exploiting. Keep the spotlight on her while you show/fake interest will create a conversation she’ll enjoy. It’s important that the conversation be about something of which she’s passionate and can go on about. Although it’s challenging to find that perfect topic, it pays off in the end.

Appearance is Everything

In the 5 minutes you’ll have with your date, they’ll take a snapshot of how you look and smell. When the brain remembers a face, it creates a caricature image. All the features and defects are exaggerated. This means it’s crucial to look your absolute best because Cindy-Lou won’t easily forget your cowlick or bad breath. Check my section on fixing yourself up to make sure you don’t go out looking like the bum you are.

Even if you follow all these guidelines, there’s no guarantee that you’ll succeed. You should be smart enough to know that. If you’re not, then go away. You don’t deserve to be reading such fine writing. You have to realize that, although the guidelines are crucial, you have to add in your own style and comfort to your dating techniques. Once you become accustomed to the basics of speed dating, you’ll be able to work the situation to your favor. It’s also important not to loose confidence. It’s speed dating; if you screw up, you can try again in 5 minutes. It’s like dating a goldfish. Maybe you won't spend Valentine's day alone again. Be cool and have fun.